"I'm sorry, I just think it would be best if we broke up."
It was six o'clock in the morning Saturday. Exactly one week since Stan's funeral, and I had died every day that week and now I had been woken up early from a call from Bebe.
"What? Why?" I asked not caring all that much; it was way too early in the morning for this shit.
"Well, to be honest, you spend more time dead than with me. You spend more time being dead than being alive anymore, actually."
She was probably right, and I didn't really care if we were together or not so I was just holding her back from getting with someone who really gives a rat's ass. It'd be nice to be single; no one to yell at me for checking out some chick's tits. It was a win-win, but being more dead than alive? What the hell is she getting at with that? I know ever since Kyle's death I've been with them a lot, but it's not like I'm skipping classes to go play tea party. It was actually somewhat annoying to hang out with them anyway. I mean, while they were sitting there making goo-goo eyes at each other while still being in denial about it they didn't pay me any mind. They totally forgot I was there and ignored me. I swear it's like watching a moronic chick-flick and it's like talking to a wall. A big, fat, totally infatuated with itself wall!
It made me feel kind of more alone with them than at home.
They didn't even listen to me! Get this, once during the middle of the week I was with them, we were at the pond. Kyle's parents were with Stan's parents down on Middle Earth, so we were watching what they were doing. We had currently focused on Mrs. M, she was having a breakdown. Kyle and I were chilling up against the two-foot wall around the pond waiting for Stan to give us our turns when he did something unexpected.
I got up when I heard Stan pick up the phone next to the pond and he brought it to his face slowly. Through the speaker you could hear them talking together and crying, I was watching Stan to see what he would do. He just kept staring down at his mom as she bawled right in front of everyone. It was obvious to tell he was starting to feel guilty about leaving them, then things went from bad to worse.
"Stan! Wait, stop!" I yelled reaching for him as he opened his mouth to speak into the phone; he was thinking of haunting his own mother.
He wouldn't listen to me, luckily before he could start talking Kyle got up and took the phone from him, "Stan, don't. Sometimes…" He put the phone back and sighed. "Something's are just meant to stay dead. Don't put your mom through anymore pain."
He listened to Kyle.
"…Yeah, okay. I get it." I said monotone switching hands with my phone. "I'll see you on Monday."
"We're still friends, aren't we?" She asked then before I could hang up.
'You're dog died, but you can still keep him' ran through my mind that second, I caught myself before I accidentally said it out loud, "I don't think so."
"Oh…" She sounded disappointed. "Okay, I'll see you on Monday then."
I ended the call without saying goodbye, she sounded upset, but it wouldn't last. Bebe could get with anybody; by Monday she'll probably have a new boyfriend. Possibly more. But whatever, I don't really care. I got up, I was too awake now to waste the rest of the day in bed, and went to the kitchen to make myself some toast in my boxers and an undershirt.
I got my toast and buttered it, in the middle of my Monster I noticed a little yellow post-it note stuck to our old refrigerator; it was from my mom.
"Dad's at work, I went to an interview at the Laundromat, be back around 2:30." I read allowed, then crumpled the post-it into a ball and threw it in our trash.
Since when did our family start writing notes? Since when could our family afford notes? I didn't really like all the changes happening now a days, there were just too many at once. My dad getting a job and keeping it, my brother's band making it big, Stan and Kyle's deaths, now no one was home and none of my friends were around. I liked everything a hell of a bunch better back when everyone was around, and my parents could only afford one blanket that we'd all have to sleep under together and Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and I could all go out and egg me on into shoplifting them all new copies of their magazines. I liked having people around and being the center of attention, it gave me thrills. It also kept me sane all those years of being paranoid and afraid for my life of waking up the next morning and wondering how I'd die that day. I had overcome that by now, but now I just felt so suddenly… alone.
I took out my phone and took another bite from my toast: No New Messages.
Normally when I felt kind of like this I'd just kill myself. Just take a walk alone in Heaven, then by the time I'd get back everyone would be so happy to see me again. I'd spend some real time alone just talking one on one with Chef who'd always clear my mind and then come back thinking how great life was and how amazing it felt to be back. Now if I died I'd just see Stan and Kyle. And they'd go off with each other and leave me alone, and I'd come back feeling worse. Every day I went and saw them it just got worse and worse, and they never noticed. Some friends.
My one place of refuge and they took it from me. Kind of like the way my family and Stan and Kyle were taken. Now there really wasn't any place left.
Well, I guess there was always Best Buy, but they were only open until nine.
I sat down in my usual seat at the kitchen table, my chair was icy cold. I just finished my toast in silence, after slamming both elbows on the table to rest my head in my palms. What the hell was I supposed to do now? A walk around town would be nice, maybe I could stop by Best Buy on my way home, check out the sample computers. I got up and threw on my parka and some white skinny jeans and headed out into the cold.
There were a few people also out walking around, but they just passed me without a word. What the hell was I doing? Where was I going? What was I supposed to be doing now? Where was everyone? I asked myself as I walked down the sidewalk looking from shop to shop at the signs. I was going to cross the street so I was fiddling with the ring on my thumb as I approached the curb, but the second before I could put my foot down some asshole driving a minivan turned and zoomed by right in front of me making me fall backwards on my ass on the concrete. Also making my ring fly off my thumb and bounce on the ground behind me.
"Watch where you're going, you crazy kid!" They screamed out the window at me.
"Yield to pedestrians, asswipe!" I yelled back flipping them the bird.
I stood once they were out of sight and went to pick up my ring, but it was shattered into four little pieces. Bastard made me drop my ring and it broke! I continued walking then, throwing the pieces down the first storm drain I passed and kept going until I reached the local Best Buy. Inside it was warm and inviting, I could care less. First thing I heard coming in was, "Need any assistance, sir?" from an employee who I turned down and the song on the radio they had playing all over the store.
"I woke up, it was seven. I waited 'til eleven, to figure out that no one would call. I think I've got a lot of friends, but, I don't hear from them, what's another night all alone? When you're spending every day on your own…"
I just walked over to the computer section and fired up the internet on the first one I got to. Up popped google and I typed in my usual sites and sat back putting on the headphones. I could care less who saw me there watching porn too because right now it was me time, and nothing was coming between me and it now.
"Wide awake, I'm bored, and I can't fall asleep! And every night is the worst night ever!"
"Kenny?" I stand corrected.
Really? Come on! For once, could you just let something go my way? I thought God was supposed to love all his little children. All I wanted was to watch porn, but you couldn't even let me have the satisfaction of that, could you? Well, I guess keeping your children from watching porn would be better parenting then letting them get away with it, but—COME ON! Come on!
I swear, if they had porn in Heaven… oh wait! They do! Stan and Kyle! Sarcasm.
Even if they weren't such prudes and did really get it on, they'd never let me watch, none the less even tell me about it.
"What do you want, Butters, I'm busy here!" I snapped at him.
He jumped a little in shock, then it looked like he might cry, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, you just looked like you needed someone to talk to; maybe cheer you up." He said taking the seat next to me then scooted it over so we were closer.
I sighed, I was being a jerk to him lately, he didn't deserve it, "I don't think talking is going to help anything." I admitted exiting out of the Internet. "I think the only thing that could really get me in a better mood would be sex." I said looking up into the distance for dramatic affect.
Butters looked down at the ground a bit fiddling with his shirt some before scooting his chair back away from me, "Well, I don't know if I can help you there, if my dad found out I was funny he'd be awfully sore."
I looked back over at him, "Not you! I mean, real aggression sex, something that can distract me from everything that's going on!" I said rubbing me temples with my forefingers.
"Like Cartman?"
I paused opened my eyes a second, "Too aggressive."
He stood then clenching his fists taking a stance like he was in a boxing arena then threatened to hit me by throwing some warning punches at my shoulder, "Alright then, let's go!"
"Butters, what the hell are you doing?" I asked spinning my chair to face him.
He put down his arms shrugging a little, "Well, I'm being aggressive is all."
I didn't mean to laugh at him, honestly it was an accident. Butters Stotch was trying to act tough just so I'd sleep with him to make myself feel better. This was some kind of weird Alice in Wonderland kind of dream. "Dude, Butters, no." I said making him take his seat again. "It's not working, plus, I'm not really into blondes. Even if it means being a hypocrite because I am one."
He cocked his head to one side, "But, you always liked Bebe, and you dated her for three—"
"Four." I corrected.
"You've dated Bebe for four months and you've always talked about how much you loved her hair. You've always been crazy for blonde girls, I'm not that different from them."
I smirked ruffling his bangs and hair, "No, you're not too much different from a girl at all, but I'm just not into blondes anymore."
He gasped using his hands to cover his mouth, "You're not saying…" He looked around and leaned in like it was the greatest secret in the word. "You and Bebe broke up?"
"Yup, definitely no difference between you and the girls." I mumbled leaning back in my chair. "Yeah, she broke it off with me this morning, but I don't really care. She was too needy, I like being single. It let's me get with whoever I want."
He thought about that a moment, "But then what if you can't find anyone else? Then you'd be without anyone to make love with."
I stared at him then blankly, "Butters, I do not 'make love', I fuck. I fuck and then I move on. And there will never be a time when I am fuckless, because look at me." I said gesturing to myself up and down, before continuing he actually let out a little ("Wow.") "Besides, if all else fails I have my good old fashion left hand." I said holding it up.
"You're left handed?" Butters asked.
"Yes, and that's beside the point."
"Sorry."
"Butters, I can get with anyone, you don't need to make an effort to make yourself available to me, everyone is. And also," He looked up at me, "no offense, but you're not exactly my type either." His face scrunched up a little; he felt unwanted. "It's not you, more of just your personality."
He sat back up in his chair then sniffling a little, but thank God he didn't cry, "Oh… I see. Well, I'm sorry I wasted your time then."
God damn, I'm so going to Hell for that one; poor Butters. Wait a second; Hell! That's totally it! That's the answer to my problems! There is still one place I can go to be alone and have a good time, and it's super easy to get there!
I stood up pulling Butters with me then tackled him to the ground. He screamed only for a second until I had him grabbing for the leg of his chair as I was fiddling with his shorts. As he managed to get a good grip on two of the chairs legs with both hands I flipped him over under me and grabbed his right back pocket. Inside of it I pulled out his Hello Kitty wallet, then let him go standing up with it still in my hands and I fled the building with him running after me.
"Kenny! What are you doing!" He yelled as I ran through the automatic doors to the outside.
"Kenny, what's going on?" Someone asked me, but I didn't look around to see who it was, their voice was distorted and it hurt my head listening to it.
I stopped on the curb and watched as a little pale yellow car zoomed up the street in front of the Best Buy. At the last possible moment I sprinted from the curb out in the direct path of the car and I saw Tweek behind the wheel and Craig's little sister in the passenger seat before they hit me. I wasn't caught under the car, it was too small to and I bounced up on the hood over the car and fell back on the pavement behind them as Tweek desperately tried to stop the car. They both jumped out of the car the second Tweek could put on the parking brake in the middle of the road, then they and Butters all ran over to me.
"OW HOLY SHIT!" I screamed putting my right hand to my face. "GOD DAMMIT I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!" There was blood streaming down my face with my head still against the pavement, my left leg was no doubt broken, and my vision was going red.
"Oh fuck! I hit him! I—ACK!—killed Kenny!" Tweek screamed pulling on his shirt.
"Not yet you didn't!" I choked out trying to pick myself up, but I fell back on the pavement. "Someone just fucking kill me, AHAAHA FUCK!"
I spat out my blood before it could pool up in my mouth anymore. I rolled over on my back, that hurt even more. My whole spine had to have been going in three different directions. Damn Tweek drives fast for being such a neurotic. Finally Butters called an ambulance, but I was starting to fade in and out already. The flashes of red and white, the strong waves of heat that came pulsing over the pain; I was dying.
This was probably how it felt to be Stan when he was hit by that truck, but then again a truck is a whole bunch different from Tweek's car. He was probably dead the second he was hit. Then at least he wouldn't feel too much pain. I could come up with ten worse deaths I had gone through just off the top of my head. I'd have to say the worse was death by the Woodland Critters. That had to have also been my worse Christmas.
"Kenny, what the hell are you trying to do!" There was that voice again, but when I opened my eyes again it wasn't coming from Butters or Tweek or Craig's sister, it was so familiar, and it didn't sound like it could come from any of them, it was like it was in my own head, like my conscience.
"Why the hell would you do that to Butters! What's going on!" It was a different voice that time, but it was so familiar. "Fuck, Kenny! Answer!"
"Stan? Kyle?" I yelled spitting out more blood. "Don't ever the fuck haunt me!" I spat. "It hurts! Get out of my head! Leave me the fuck alone!"
Butters and Tweek looked at each other again, they were scared as shit, "Holy—AHA!—Man, that's messed up!" Tweek yelled looking back down at me wide-eyed. "I think he's sick!"
They thought it was in my head. They thought I was crazy, that Stan and Kyle weren't really haunting me right them, fuck they were giving me a head ache! Maybe it was all in my head, maybe I was insane, after all of that that'd be pretty good news. I was just mental, Stan and Kyle were alive, I just had some illness that made me think they were dead I could talk to them and visit them. Damn would it have been nice to have know I was just crazy the whole time! Didn't matter anymore, I was sane, they were haunting me, and I was dying.
Eventually I heard the ambulance siren in the distance coming for me. Butters, Tweek, and Craig's sister were all yelling at each other, they sounded far away even though they stood around me. The only voices clear were Stan and Kyle's who were also trying to find out what was going on. Finally after what I felt had to have been forever, the pain died and so did I.
Going to Hell is a little different then going to Heaven, but it's the same basic idea. I stood up from my body looking over at Butters and Tweek who were still yelling, then Butters got on his knees noticing I had stopped screaming and shook my body. My back and leg felt much better now, still a little tingly though. The second I died Stan and Kyle's voices turned to static, then disappeared completely; the dead can't haunt the dead, even if I haven't made it to Hell yet.
Craig's sister apon hearing Butters screaming for me to wake up grabbed Tweek and pulled him back to the car and they drove away as the ambulance parked next to Butters and my body. I watched them a few seconds as they put my body in the back and drove off, Butters with them. The moment they went out of sight around the first corner the big wind kicked in. This one was uncomfortably warmer and stung instead of the more inviting Heaven wind, it also reeked like rotting fish. The ground under me shook violently then cracks broke through the road letting a red light leak out from Hell below. I just floated above the crater as the pavement caved in and the broken pieces fell down into the darkness. Of course the hole was only there and visible to me, cars on the street drove right over it and through me unaware.
I jumped over to the edge of the crater looking down so I wouldn't have to float anymore and waited. Post the eerie silence, a strange swishing noise came from the crater and the first giant demon hand came up grabbing my ankle nearly making me fall forward, then another and another until they pulled me down into Hell. Hell's not actually that bad of a place, it's kind of like Heaven. They have Lucifer over by the gate most of the time or one of his little demon servants to check people in and to take their valuables. They have places to eat, and they got rooms for people. It's like the kind of community next to Middle Earth next to Heaven, except, both Middle Earth and Heaven are better communities than Hell. Hell was like the Iraq of the afterlife. The second difference was they didn't have a portal pond to see the living—well, they have one, it just doesn't work—and the last one was that the whole place smelled like rotting fish.
I walked over to Satan, avoiding the cracks in the black rock beneath my feet the and the occasional release of pressure underneath them resulting in a quick spurt of very hot gas. That was another difference between Heaven and Hell, in Heaven you stub your toe or something you don't feel any pain; in Hell shit hurts like… well, Hell. That's kind of where that saying came from anyway. So I walked over to him and he stamped my new card, then I handed him Butters' wallet that had came with me. Damn, now I was going to have to somehow pay Butters back all the money he just lost to the Devil.
"Car accident?" Satan asked checking me down in his book.
"Yup."
He just signed his name below my entry in the book then closed it, "You know what happens now." He looked over at me.
I sighed, "Let's get it over with."
He waved his hand over me like Peter did, with the little glittery red sparks dropping from his arm; stupid dark magic. The pain came a second later, felt kind of like growing pains—god did I not miss those—in my skull, shoulder blades, and ass. Falling to my knees trying not to scream, I should have been used to this by now, right? My hands flew to my head grabbing the two little bumps starting to poke out the sides of my skull. Moments later the growing pains turned to stinging and stabbing as my horns tried to pierce through my scalp.
I swear, couldn't they make the whole process a little faster? Do you know how painful it is to actually feel the skin of your ass trying to split as you spontaneously grow a tail? I'm so glad in Heaven they at least save you the pain of growing your bird wings and you just wake up with them, apparently they want you suffering in Hell the second you arrive.
I stood up once my transformation was complete—or at least tried to—and tried my best to force a smirk as I continued to hold back the tears already leaking down my face, then breathed. I didn't even realize I had held my breath, oh well.
"You still cry every time we do that." Satan said pushing open the rusty gates behind him for me.
I punched him in the arm as I walked past him through the gate, no way he even felt it, he was three hundred pounds of muscle, "At least I didn't scream."
Inside the gates the ground was more stable, but there was still the possibility of the earthquakes and falling off the edge of Hell into the lake of lava surrounding the whole thing, but then you'd just come back, unless you're me of course. Hell was definitely more crowded than Heaven, everyone who ever sinned big time. Just entering the gates and the front streets were crowded with people walking or flying around, I hate the little bat wings you get in Hell, they didn't work nearly as well as the bird wings you get in Heaven, and a hell of a bunch smaller. Bird wings could wrap around your whole body, then if you found a good place to hang on upside down you could sleep like a bat, they could also touch the floor if you were lean really far back. Little bat wings only had the wingspan of both your arms up in a T. At least they worked though, right? And they didn't need constant care if you ended up falling asleep with gum in your mouth and in the middle of the night you wake up with it sticking all your feathers together.
I was walking down the street, Hell was dangerous, but no one bothered me, they all knew I was the one who always went back so everyone got on my good side to hear the scoop on what's going on in Middle Earth. Mainly just news of how society is falling apart and who was definitely next to hell. Everyone didn't have much else to do, just sit around and wait for Andy Dick and Tiger Woods to come around. At least there was a little action in Hell, they had clubs, hookers, and gangs all just to keep us busy! That was the one thing Heaven didn't have; entertainment.
I passed John Wilkes Booth talking it up to Idi Amin by the side of the road, they seemed to be having a good time, I just continued on my way. I really needed to get to my apartment and take a bath, the blood leaking down my head, back, and ass was really starting to bug me, luckily I had at least gotten used to the smell of Hell.
I was just to the building when Jack "The Ripper" ran by me in a hurry, almost knocking me down, where the hell was he going in such a rush? I hopped onto the sidewalk in front of the building, there were some demon girls in their underwear out front standing over the crack in the sidewalk waiting for another burst of gas to spew out of it so they could jump in and inhale a big whiff of it. Had to get their high some how, why not the superheated gas from the boiling rock bellow Hell?
I went into the building then walking up the stairs to my floor then to my room. Of all of Hell it had to be the place that smell the least like fish. My one window had been broken in with a rock a couple months back, and my sofa was pushed over in the corner. No way was I ever sitting on it again; the last time I had company over they ended up breaking my bathroom's mirror and peeing all over it. At least they ran out before they could get to my bed. That was the one thing that I didn't mind, it wasn't much different from my one at home; same springs sticking out to stab you every time you shifted in your sleep.
I didn't bother running hot water in the sink first, you'd think with all the lava and fire they have in Hell they'd at least have hot water, but they don't. I just filled my old grey tub—I can actually remember when it was white—and took note to clean the ring around it sometime afterward. The water was very nice compared to the hot, dry air I had come to tolerate by then, the only thing that could have possibly made that moment better would have been if I had a rubber duck and some bubble bath mix, maybe a few lit candles and someone to lie there with me. Maybe I should just go back outside and talk to one of the girls out front. Maybe call up Hitler and ask him if he'd want to go down and play some poker with the Khan's.
I was almost done, and enjoying actually really being alone for once, when loud and rapid bangs could be heard from outside and the plaster and tile wall next to my tub started exploding. Someone had a machine gun and was open firing on either the girls, the building, or just specifically me. Out of instinct I jumped from my tub and hid behind it as more bullets flew through the wall. Eventually the gun stopped and I got up from my hiding spot to check out the giant gaping hole in the wall someone just made. Pulling out some plaster to help me see out I could tell it was Al Capone standing next to his new Hell buddy, "Babyface" Nelson. They were the ones with the machine guns, and they were trying to take out the "posers" that were some dead Bloods and Crips gang members with pistols.
I just huffed putting my clothes back on and headed out so I could get my very desired alone alone time. The only place left now was the park where not too many people went, most were out dancing or fucking. The grass was smoldering and in some places already toasted to a crisp, the trees were burned and black with no leaves at all, and they didn't have a fountain. I found the first bench that wasn't in pieces or covered in cum or puke and took a seat next to my old friend Hat.
Yes the guy who killed over twenty babies, after being released so long ago he managed to rid the earth of around eight or nine more, the case was pretty big beyond what our town's protesters could do and he was given death penalty. He was sitting there with his plaid shirt buttoned up wrong and his denim pants unzipped and a half empty bottle of beer in one palm. He didn't say anything when I sat down, so I talked first.
"Sup, Hat, how's afterlife?" I asked casually.
He looked over at me a second, then down at his hand as he swished his drink around in his hands, I just continued.
"I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing anymore, I just killed myself again today, I know I haven't been coming here a lot, that's because some good friends of mine recently just died. They're both in Heaven so I wanted to visit with them a while." I sighed after my sentence. "But, you know what they say, 'three's a crowd', right? They don't pay any mind to me, it's just like being home all over again. My parents don't even notice how much more time I've been gone recently, they're too busy with their jobs. It's kind of like I've just turned invisible." I looked down at my hands, I wanted to twist the ring that was always on my finger—old habit—but it was gone. For a second I even forgot why it wasn't there and I looked around on the bench for it, but when I couldn't find it I remembered. "I really like hanging with them though, they're cool, not like Cartman, or Bebe—" I said not being able to catch myself in time. "Well, Cartman now at least. Bebe broke up with me, but at least after all the months of thinking she had just forgotten about me she noticed enough to end us."
I looked over at Hat to see what he had to say after that, he just leaned over to me and said, "You… uh… got any babies?" Then laughed a little drunkenly.
I looked up at the top of the crevasse Hell was under, they didn't Have a sky in Hell, just the top of the crevasse.
"No, I don't have any kids, I don't really have anything of a family anymore… I always kind of felt like Stan and Kyle were mine to look out for though. They can be so stupid some times, you know? I just have to swoop in and point them in the right direction, I swear, they wouldn't know where they'd be without me. Right—" I said smugly then looked back over at him, but he had vanished without me noticing. "…Hat?"
I made up my mind then, my problems of loneliness were really only what I made of them! If being alone at home was really that troublesome for me I probably would have done something about it by now. Besides, thinking back on it, whenever my whole family is home all the time I kind of feel… worse. They aren't exactly the worst parents or brother, but they really weren't too great to hang around for so long. And Stan and Kyle? They've always been my second family, they acknowledged me enough to have been watching me through the portal pond then worry enough about me to actually haunt me.
They were probably really worried about me now too.
I knew Hat was good for something! I would have to thank him the next time I ended up in Hell, if I'd ever come here again, that is. I had to go back to Middle Earth, then I had to go to Heaven and show them I was alright. That was going to be tough. I mean, I have more control over my life and death now, but I can't just close my eyes, tap my heals together three times saying "there's no place like Middle Earth", and be there. I'd have to concentrate hard on going back then wait until my body finally obeyed me.
I pulled up my legs onto the bench under me excitedly, then tried to meditate, but that was hard when you're really antsy. Eventually though I was able to channel my thoughts and make my mind run blank on everything but my bed in Middle Earth. My head went dizzy and I couldn't open my eyes, then a few seconds later I sat up wide awake in my bed.
"Oh God, it worked." I said holing my face with my right hand as I panted softly. "Better get to work."
I jumped out of bed immediately trying to figure out a quick way to die, then my stomach growled. I wouldn't have time to stop and eat in Heaven, so I raced into the kitchen and stuck some toast in the toaster. On the counter was a fork my mom had probably left out so I played with it in my hands until my toast popped up. Toast in my left hand, fork in the other, trying to think of ways to die… ways to die… hmm… I could just drown myself again, but that takes time and it feels awful. Laying out in the snow naked would definitely take way longer, and I always hated watching my limbs turn black before I'd die of hypothermia, so that was out. I finished me bread and almost walked away with the fork when I remembered it and put it down on the counter in front of the toaster. That gave me my idea.
Not twenty seconds later and I was waking up in the outskirts of Heaven with my toaster in one hand and the fork in the other. I checking in with Peter; death by electrocution, then put on my halo and robe as he stamped my card again. The doors of Heaven flung themselves open to me and I walked in immediately greeted by Stan and Kyle who ran up grabbing me and ran back to their apartment pulling me along behind them. It felt good to be back.
They jumped me with questions the second the door was closed and I just waited for them to calm down as I put my toaster and fork on their kitchen counter for them.
"Why the fuck did you push Butters down and rob him!"
"Where did you go after you died!"
"What the hell were you thinking!"
"You nearly scared us half to life!"
Was all I really picked up from their yelling. I sighed then, taking them to the front room sitting them down on the bed and prepared for my long, unwanted speech.
"You guys are just so happy together, aren't you?" I asked, they looked at each other then back to me. "You're united and happy and can do whatever you want, not to mention your other best friend getting to visit you guys whenever you need me. Well, I know you two love each other and all, but I'm here, and I'm not just one to sit on the side and watch you guys make out." I said narrowing my eyes, any second now they were going to speak up and deny, but they were surprisingly silent, so I went on. "I really like hanging out with you guys and getting away from my home problems and all, but I don't really feel like that feeling's mutual. You understand what I'm saying? You guys just don't… talk much to me at all."
Kyle stood then putting a hand on my shoulder, "I'm sorry Kenny, you're right. We didn't really… realize we were not including you." He said looking back at Stan. "You never said anything, so we never thought anything of it."
"I'm… sorry I've been such an ass lately," Stan said softly staying where he was. "I didn't really think… we should all do something together tomorrow or whatever. I'm tired."
"Yeah," I agreed turning away to walk towards their bathroom, "I'm going to take a shower, any objections?"
"Nope." They said in unison.
At least that was now behind us, before I could close the door though, Kyle remembered what I had said then started yelling at me "we're not in love, and we don't make out!" Yup, denial. Boy, did that hot water work wonders, though. Much better than the murky, dirty Hell water they have down there. Getting out I used my robe to dry off my skin and hair and my wings twitched themselves around until they had fanned themselves out. Next time I die I should bring them my mom's hair drier; Kyle could definitely use it—that, and a comb. I was about to go out when I heard them talking about me.
"I know, I feel bad too, but we have to do something about him and Butters, that was just wrong."
"I agree, but I think tomorrow we should just get some take out, walk around the park and have a good time, it's what he needs."
"More like what everyone needs, didn't you see how pissy Cartman got this morning down in Central Square? I swear, what got him so pissed off?"
"Maybe he ran out of Ho Hos." Was said, then some snickering.
I quietly inched the bathroom door open slightly to see what was going on, they were just sitting on the bed together still talking, Kyle was the one laughing, so I guessed Stan was the one who just talked.
"I'm glad he told us, though, I really didn't notice." Kyle admitted scratching his head awkwardly.
"I wonder why." Stan said sarcastically while smirking.
Kyle sat up from leaning on one arm and used it to punch Stan in the arm lightly, "Shut up."
"Make me."
"Is that a challenge?"
"What did you think it was, an invitation?"
"Could be that too."
Jesus Christ they were flirting again, someone shoot me. They actually stopped a minute to glare at each other, but Stan broke the silence.
"Guess what?" He asked.
"What?"
"Guess!"
"You have herpes?" Kyle asked apathetically resting his chin in his palm.
"Uh… no… I hope."
"Dude!"
"What!"
"What do you mean, 'you hope'? You either have them, or you don't!" Kyle yelled making a big deal out of it.
"Alright, I don't! Guess again."
"What? No, I already guessed."
"Come on…"
"No."
"Please…"
"No."
"I won't tell you unless you guess!"
"God dammit, Stan, for fuck's sake, what is it!"
He smirked, looking down at the bed a second then back at Kyle who was beyond pissed off by now, "I love you."
Kyle only huffed, "Well I knew that!"
"What, you're not even going to say it back!"
"No!"
"Why!"
"Because you already know it, there's no point in saying it again!"
"There's totally a point, how do I know you didn't change your mind?"
Kyle then gave him a "you son of a bitch" look, "Alright, fine! I love you too, you happy now?"
"Not quite."
"Fuck, dude, what in the hell will it take to make you satisfied!"
He just leaned in kissing Kyle who immediately got the memo to shut up and role with it. I just continued to watch this time, would have been pretty funny to have walked out of the bathroom right then and caught them in the act, but I just sat there watching. Yup, watching my two best friends make out while I sat on the side like I had just said about twenty minutes before. And proving them wrong while getting away with it, made the whole thing sweeter.
My best friends are gay for each other and I was probably doomed to be left alone again; eh, I could care less.
The song playing in Best Buy was "I'm Just a Kid" by Simple Plan.