Can this week get any better? We got a major snowstorm last night, and practically all of Long Island gets a snow day! Huzzah! I'm using my valuable time to start shopping for dorm room supplies. And while I'm at it, why not end the suspense, and bring on the next scene?
Oh, and did I mention this is one of my favorite chapters, as well as my favorite music number? ^_~
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Cut to…Jubilee at the camp's entrance. Pyro hides inside of her armor, poking his head out from her back to speak.
Pyro: Okay, this is it. Time to show 'em your man walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feet apart, head up…and strut-2-3—break it down-2-2…and work it, work it.
Jubilee: I feel ridiculous.
Pyro: That just means you're doing it right.
She walks into the camp, drawing attention from any guy who sees her. Ignoring them, she heads straight into the closest tent. Two Duncan flunkies are off to one side. One picks his nose as the others picks dirt from between his toes with chopsticks.
Pyro dramatically wipes a tear from his eye.
Pyro: Beautiful, isn't it?
Jubilee: Ugh. They're disgusting.
She makes a face of disgust and continues to walk.
Pyro: No, they're men. And you're going to have to act just like them, so pay attention.
Jubilee stops to watch Lance, Pietro, Fred, and Todd, who is showing the first three a kick-ass tattoo of a dragon on his chest and belly.
Pyro: Biased, are we now?
Naturally.
Todd: *to boys* Look here. This tattoo will protect me from harm.
Lance thinks for a moment, then punches Todd in the stomach. However, his hand bounces off the tattoo, sending him flying.
Todd: Told ya.
Lance: THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!
Bias. Duh.
Todd: I feel so loved.
Not you. The dragon tattoo.
Pietro and Fred stand off to the side, laughing uncontrollably.
Jubilee: I don't think I can do this.
Pyro: Sure you can. It's all in the attitude. Be tough, like this guy here.
He points to Todd, just as the amphibian mutant snaps a fly mid-air with his tongue.
Pyro: …okay, maybe not that tough.
As Todd hops off, the remaining three notice Jubilee.
Lance: What are you looking at?
Pyro: *whispers to Jubilee* Punch him. It's how men say 'hello.'
Jubilee looks at her fist, then punches Lance from behind on the shoulder. The force causes him to run into Fred.
Fred: Oh, Yao, you made a friend.
Pyro: *whispers to Jubilee* Good, now slap him on the behind.
Jubilee: Not on your life.
Lance recovers from his fall and grabs Jubilee by the collar, angry.
Lance: I'm going to hit you so hard it'll make your ancestors dizzy.
Fred, in turn, picks up Lance.
Fred: Yao, relax and chant with me. Yaaaaa Moouuuu Ahhhhhh Doooooou Fuuuu Daaaaaa.
Lance: Ya Mi Ah To Fu Da.
Fred: Feel better?
Lance: Actually…I do.
Fred places him back on the ground. Lance dusts himself off before walking off.
Lance: *calls back* Aaaa, you ain't worth my time chicken boy.
Pyro: *loudly* Chicken boy!? Say that to my face, ya limp noodle!
Jubilee: You. Not helping.
Lance grabs Jubilee by the collar, thinking it was her who said it, and pulls back his arm to punch. Jubilee ducks, and Lance hits Pietro instead.
Lance: Oh. Sorry, Ling. Hey!
He grabs Jubilee by the foot as she starts to crawl away. Pietro kicks him in the butt, causing him to land on Fred's stomach. Pietro them jump-attacks Jubilee, but she ducks just in time. He lands on top of Lance, on top of Fred.
Pietro: You're dead.
They fight on top of Fred. Jubilee takes the opportunity to run away. Pietro notices this, then points to her.
Pietro: There he goes!
She runs into a tent, then stops. Lance, Pietro, and Fred (in that order) run through the tent. Lance stops short as he is about to run into Todd, who was in line for food. He looks behind him with concerned eyes just as Pietro stops in time. However, Fred bumps into Pietro, who bumps into Lance, who bumps into Todd…creating a domino effect of soldiers in line all falling over. Chaos ensues.
The men all look to the back of the line, and spy Jubilee, who has emerged from the tent. They angrily start walking toward her. She has a look of horror on her face, as if trouble is about to brew
Jubilee: *nervously* H-hey, guys. How's the food today?
Meanwhile, Evan watches everything unfold before walking into another tent. Warren and Bobby are already there, the former motioning with his pointer to a map of the region.
Warren: The Huns have struck here, here…and here. I will take the main troops up to the Tung Shao Pass and stop Shan-Yu before he destroys this village.
Evan: Excellent strategy, Sir. I do love surprises. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Warren: *to Bobby* You will stay here and train the new recruits. When Chi Fu believes you're ready, you will join us…Captain.
He hands Bobby a beautifully-crafted sword.
Bobby: Captain?
Evan: Oh, this is an enormous responsibility, General. Uh…perhaps a soldier with more experience—
Warren: Number one in his class. Extensive knowledge of training techniques. An impressive military lineage. I believe Li Shang will do an excellent job.
Bobby: *excitedly* Oh, I will. I won't let you down. This is…I mean, I…*somberly* Yes, sir.
Warren gets up and starts heading out of the tent.
Warren: Very good, then. We'll toast China's victory at the Imperial City.
He turns briefly to Evan.
Warren: I'll expect a full report in three weeks.
Evan grins, speaking more to Bobby than Warren.
Evan: And I won't leave anything out.
Bobby is, of course, too excited to be worried at the moment. He immediately ties his sword to his belt.
Bobby: *to himself* Captain Li Shang…hmm. Leader of China's finest troops. No. The greatest troops of all time! Heh, heh, heh, heh.
He heads out of the ten in time to see the recruits all fighting, standing to the left of Evan and Warren. Sam, clearly injured but alive, sees General Warren and salutes…just before he falls to the ground. Warren steps over him and mounts his horse.
Evan: *sarcastically* Most impressive.
Warren: Good luck, Captain.
Warren and a number of mounted troops all leave the camp.
Bobby: *softly* Good luck, Father.
He takes a good look at his troop and sighs. Evan smirks, with a board and brush in hand.
Evan: Day one.
Bobby: SOLDIERS!
All the recruits back away at the sound of his voice, revealing and pointing to Jubilee. She is crouching in the fetal position on the ground.
All Recruits: He did it!
Jubilee: Tattletales.
Bobby approaches the girl, and looks down over her. Jubilee looks up, sees Bobby looming over her, and quickly gets up, dusting herself off.
Bobby: I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp!
Jubilee: Sorry— *manly voice* Uhh, I mean…sorry you had to see that.
With her fist, she taps him on the shoulder.
Jubilee: You know how it is when you get those manly urges and you just have to kill something…*slaps her hand* fix things…uh…cook outdoors.
Pyro: *whispers to Jubilee* Don't overdo it.
Bobby raises an eyebrow, but say nothing of her ramblings.
Bobby: What's your name?
Jubilee: Ahh…I…uh…
Evan steps forward, getting into her face.
Evan: Your commanding officer just asked you a question.
Jubilee: Uhh, I've got a name. Huh. And it's a boy's name, too.
Pyro: *whispers* All right, all right. Don't rush me. Try…uh…ah, Chu!
Jubilee: Ah Chu.
Bobby: Ah Chu?
Pyro: Gesundheit. Hehe, I kill myself.
Jubilee: I'll kill you in a second if you don't give me a name, Mushu.
Bobby: Mushu?
Jubilee: No.
Bobby: Then what is it?!
Pyro: *whispers* Ping! Ping was my best friend growing up!
Mulan: It's Ping.
Bobby: Ping.
Pyro: *mutters* Of course, Ping did steal my girl—
He is silenced as Jubilee reaches back and holds his mouth shut.
Jubilee: Yes. My name is Ping.
Bobby: Let me see your conscription notice.
He takes the notice from Ping-Jubilee and reads the name.
Bobby: Fa Zhou? The Fa Zhou?
Evan: I didn't know Fa Zhou had a son.
Jubilee: He…uh…doesn't talk about me much.
She tries to hawk up a loogie, but the saliva just runs from her mouth. The other recruits laugh.
Evan: I can see why. The boy's an absolute lunatic.
Bobby turns to the rest of the recruits.
Bobby: Okay, gentlemen. Thanks to your new friend, Ping, you'll spend tonight picking up every single grain of rice. And tomorrow, the real work begins.
They all growl at Jubilee.
Pyro pops out the front of Jubilee's armor.
Pyro: You know, we have to work on your people skills.
Cut to…Jubilee sleeping in her tent. Pyro winds up Cri-Kee Jamie's wings, so that he rings like an alarm clock.
Pyro: All right, rise and shine sleeping beauty. C'mon…hup hup hup!
He raps on her head at each "hup." She groans, pulling the covers over her head. Pyro yanks them off altogether.
Pyro: Get your uniform on. Get ready. Got breakfast for you. Look, you get porridge, and it's happy to see you.
He hops on her knee with a bowl of porridge. When she looks in the bowl, it looks like a smiling face, with two eggs for eyes and a bacon smile. Cri-Kee Jamie pops up out of it.
Pyro: Hey, get out of there. You gonna make people sick!
He uses chopsticks to push Cri-Kee Jamie out of the porridge.
Jubilee: *sleepily* Am I late?
Pyro starts feeding her.
Pyro: No time to talk. Now remember, it's your first day of training, so listen to your teacher and no fighting. Play nice with the other kids, unless of course one of the other kids wanna fight. Then you have to kick the other kid's butt.
Jubilee: *mouth full of food* But I don't wanna kick the other kid's butt.
Pyro: Trust me, you will. Don't talk with your mouth full. Now let's see your war face.
Jubilee looks at him with wide eyes, and chipmunk cheeks full of food.
Pyro: *sarcastically* Ooh, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover. C'mon scare me, girl!
She swallows her food and gives a frightening glare.
Jubilee: Rrrrrrrr!
Pyro rolls back into the half-eaten bowl of porridge.
Pyro: Oh, that's my tough looking warrior. That's what I'm talking about. Now, get out there and make me proud!
He ties up her hair, so she looks like Ping-Jubilee again.
Khan whinnies and pokes his head into the tent.
Pyro: What do you mean, the troops just left?
Jubilee: They what?!
She hurriedly puts on her clothes and jumps out of the tent, running off to join the other recruits. Pyro calls after her.
Pyro: Wait, you forgot your sword!
Cri-Kee Jamie hops beside him as he pretends to wipe away a tear.
Pyro: My little baby off to destroy people. *sniffle*
Cut to…the troops muddling around near Bobby's tent. Evan enters from the left.
Evan: Order people, order!
Roberto: I'd like a pan-fried noodle, please.
~*rimshot*~
Fred: Mmm…noddles…
Ling and the others begin to laugh.
Ray: Moo goo gai pan over here!
Evan: That's not funny.
Jubilee comes running up to the group. Pietro is the first to notice.
Pietro: Looks like our new friend slept in this morning. Helloooo, Ping. Are you hungry?
She stops between Pietro and Lance.
Lance: Yeah, 'cause I owe you a knuckle sandwich.
He grabs her by the collar, drawing back his other arm. Jubilee hides her face with her hands. Pietro looks away, closes his eyes, and puts his fingers in his ears so that he won't hear/see anything.
All Soldiers: Yeah!
Bobby: SOLDIERS!
The soldiers all line of quickly. Bobby takes off his shirt and grabs a bow and quiver of arrows. Jubilee is duly impressed by his physique. There is a wolf-whistle from somewhere off-screen, but no one knows where exactly.
Bobby: You will assemble swiftly and silently every morning. Anyone who acts otherwise will answer to me.
He slowly walks down the line of soldiers. On the way, he passes by Lance, who rolls his eyes.
Lance: Oooh. Touch guy.
Bobby turns swiftly around with an arrow pointed towards him.
Bobby: Yao.
All the recruits take a step back, leaving Lance stranded. At the last moment, Bobby points the arrow skyward and shoots it into the to of a high pole.
Bobby: That you for volunteering. Retrieve the arrow.
Lance: *bows* I'll get that arrow, pretty boy. And I'll do it with my shirt on.
He pauses briefly, blinking.
Lance: Did I just call him pretty boy?
Come on, boys. Stick to the script.
He prepares to leap onto the pole, when Bobby stops him.
Bobby: One moment. You seem to be missing something.
Evan brings out two large, bronze disks. Bobby takes out one and holds it for the troops to see.
Bobby: This represents discipline.
He hands the weight to Lance. It falls to the ground, taking Lance's arm with it.
Bobby: …and this represents strength.
He hands the other weight to Lance, making him fall to the ground. The rest of the troops laugh, while Jubilee looks concerned.
Bobby: You need both to reach the arrow.
Lance tries to climb the pole, but slides down under the excessive weight. Pietro, Fred, and Jubilee each take their turn, and each fall down.
Jubilee rubs her sore behind as she walks away, passing in from of Bobby.
Jubilee: owowowowowowow…
Bobby: *sigh* We've got a long way to go.
**cue music: "I'll Make a Man Out of You"**
[Bobby tosses staffs to each of the soldiers. However, Lance intercepts Jubilee's staff and trips her with it.]
Bobby: Let's
get down to business
To defeat the Huns
[He tosses up two clay pots and breaks them apart with his staff. The recruits all put their staffs out at arms length.]
Recruits: Hua!
Bobby: Did
they send me daughters
When I asked for sons?
[Pietro puts a cricket down Jubilee's back, causing her to flair erratically.]
You're the saddest bunch I ever met
[Most soldiers fall as she moves uncontrollably.]
But you can bet before we're through
[Bobby does some somersaults in the air, landing near Jubilee. He takes a pole the stomach before stopping her and taking away the staff. Then he grabs her by the collar.]
Mister, I'll make a man out of you.
[Pyro pops out, snickering.]
Pyro: Good luck on that one.
[Jubilee smacks him, so that he falls to the ground, dazed.]
[Bobby steps on a lever, throwing three targets into the air, which he hits with three arrows from one bow.]
Ryo: *off-screen* Amateur.
Bobby: Tranquil as a forest
[The recruits all try and fail. Jubilee gets ready to fire when Pyro sticks a target on her arrow. Shocked, she pauses to look at him. Bobby sees the target and looks disdainfully at her. She tries to smile innocently]
But on fire within
[Bobby balances a bucket of water on his head, holding a staff. The recruits all fire stones at him, which he easily deflects by twirling the staff rapidly]
Once you find your center
You are sure to win
[Jubilee tries her turn, wobbling with the bucket of water on her head. As the recruits throw stones at her, the bucket tips over onto her head. She peeks out from under the bucket sheepishly from the ground.]
You're a spineless, pale,
pathetic lot
And you haven't got a clue
[Bobby stands in a flowing river. He jerks his hand into the water, retrieving a fish. Jubilee tries the same thing, but only manages to retrieve Lance's foot. Pyro pops out of the water with a fish for her, but she just rolls her eyes.]
Somehow, I'll make a man out of you
[The soldiers all run through a field of fire arrows.]
Fred: I'm never gonna catch my breath!
Lance: Say goodbye to those who knew me
[Pietro bangs his head on a stone slab]
Pietro: Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym
[Bobby practices martial arts with Jubilee. With a punch in the face, he knocks her back into a tree, where Pyro acts as a boxing coach.]
Pyro: This guy's got 'em scared to death
[He pushes Jubilee back out into the ring.]
Jubilee: Hope he doesn't see right through me
[The boys are hopping across poles protruding from water. Fred pauses on one, causing Bobby and the others to pile into him.]
Fred: Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!
Chorus: Be a man!
[Cannon fire misses the target in the middle of an open field. Pietro kicks the support structure out from Jubilee's cannon, and it begins to fall. Jubilee quickly grabs the cannon, and it fire high and back towards the camp, landing and exploding Evan's tent.]
Bobby: We must be swift as the coursing river
Chorus: Be a man!
Bobby: With all the force of a great typhoon
Chorus: Be a man!
Bobby: With all the strength of a raging fire
[Bobby looks over the camp from the hill, not looking pleased]
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
[The troops carry their poles on their shoulders, bags of grain hanging from either side, as they trudge up a mountain.]
Time is racing towards us
'Till the Huns arrive
[Fred points Bobby's eyes back to a struggling Jubilee, who falls to the ground. Cri-Kee Jamie and Pyro try to help her up, but hide as Bobby comes up to her. He picks up her pole, puts it on top of his, and returns to the troops. Jubilee looks rejected.]
Heed my every order
And you might survive
[Bobby hands the reigns of Khan to Jubilee]
You're unsuited for the
rage of war
So pack up, go home, you're
through
How could I make a man out of
you?
[Jubilee turns to leave, when she sees the pole. A determine looks comes on her face as she grabs the weights for another try.]
Chorus: (Be a
man!)
We must be swift as the
coursing river
[After sliding down yet again, she gets an idea. Tossing the weights together behind the pole, they tie to form one strip of cloth she can use to shimmy up the pole.]
(Be a man!)
With all the force of a
great typhoon
[As the sun begins to appear over the horizon, a number of recruits come out of their tents and cheer her on.]
(Be a man!)
With all the strength of a
raging fire
[Bobby come out of his tent, rubbing his eyes. The arrow he shot up onto the pole suddenly lands at his feet. He looks up and sees Jubilee casually sitting on top of the pole, a look of pride on her face.]
Jubilee: No wonder the others couldn't do it. Ever seen a boy shimmy? Not a pretty sight. (1)
Chorus: Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
[A number of scenes play during the last repeat of the chorus: troops hitting all targets with their arrows correctly…Jubilee racing in front of Bobby and the recruits with the pole and weights on her shoulders…Jubilee kicking Bobby in the face with a round house during their next sparring match, and Bobby looking pleased…Fred doing acrobatics on the poles as the troops follow…as the staffs are thrown to the troops, Lance once again intercepts, but this time hands Jubilee hers…Lance running through the arrows…and the troops all practicing their staff training in tight formations.]
(Be a man)
We must be swift as the
coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force of a great
typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength of a
raging fire
[In staff practice the troops all simultaneously jump-kicks into the air—"Hya!"]
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
**end song**
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(1)—This comes from an ongoing joke back during "Leader of the Pack." Many of the dance numbers required girls and guys to shimmy back & forth. Those of us watching from backstage were in hysterics watching the boys. Just try to picture it yourselves.
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Whoo! That was fun. Not to mention, about ten pages long—not bad. Next chapter will be up this weekend.
R+R. You know you wanna….