And now for a brief trip over the fourth wall

…

Dr. Farnsworth – Good news everyone, I've finally repaired the Pokélingual translator device.

Fry – Great! What does that mean.

Dr. Farnsworth – No more subtitles.

Bender – Good. I was getting tired of all that readin.

…

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fic.

…

Cast Iron

…

"Ladies and gentle'mon, welcome to this episode of, Cast Iron!"

Up in the stands, the audience exploded in raucous cheers. Fortunately, no one regular exploded, but the day was still young.

"Let's get fired up!" said the host, Charmeleon, blasting a beautiful Flame thrower that earned him an awestruck round of applause, "Thank you, thank you. We've got a great matchup tonight. Not quite on par with our legendary Snorlax v. Wailord battle."

The flaming host paused to let the cheers die down, patiently waiting out the fan overenthusiasm.

"Yes, yes, we all had a lot of fun that day, but now, we have a special matchup, two unique eaters who will battle to see whose stomach is really, what?"

"CAST IRON!" the audience screamed.

"That's right. So, without further ado, let's bring'em out."

The lights went out and a single spotlight shown on a curtain hanging over a doorway.

"Our first combatant comes all the way from Sinnoh. He's the tiny shell head, the little nibbler, ladies and gentle'mon, I give you, Aron!"

Much screaming and cheering followed his introduction and Aron trotted onto the stage, giving a cheerful wave to the audience. A particularly loud and annoying section of the audience squealed 'cute' which made the poor little shell head blush terribly.

"Well, he's got fans" quipped Charmeleon, "but will he be a worthy combatant for our next contestant. He comes from a resurrected fossil, in Alola his un-evolved form is considered the ancestor of all turtle Pokémon. Here he is, the bane of bridges, boogeyman of I-beams, Carracosta!"

Again the crowd went bananas, and the ancient turtle Pokémon reveled in the attention, stopping to pose every few steps all the way across the stage.

"I'm smelling a bit of ham in that turtle, but I hope he's still hungry, cuz tonight's menu is gonna be a gut buster!"

The audience liked the sound of that and expressed their feeling as loud as they could. Maintenance would later comment on all the loose dust and fallen debris.

"Sounds like we're ready, what do you say contestants?"

The two eaters stared at one another.

"You're goin down shorty."

"Bring it on, fossil."

"Well, they sound ready to me, so let's get this dinner party started!"

FIRST COURSE

"No day would be complete without a hearty breakfast!"

A female Machoke, (because she had lipstick on) swaggered up to the table and placed two massive bowls down.

"Your first challenge, one big bowl of nails."

Aron peeked at his bowl and asked, "Could I get some milk with this?"

"NO!" shouted Charmeleon too happily.

"Hardcore" remarked Carracosta.

"Contestants, begin!"

The two Pokémon dove into their bowls, in Aron's case quite literally. The sound of metal crunching and snapping echoed over the cheers as the audience cried their support.

"Done!" declared Carracosta.

"Done!" said Aron, hopping out of his bowl.

"Our two combatants appear evenly matched" said Charmeleon, "for now. Next course!"

SECOND COURSE

"Who likes spaghetti?" pause for response, "How's about a spaghetti of rebar?"

Two massive twisted balls of rebar were dropped before the contestants.

"Whoa!"

"What was holding that?"

"An excellent question" said Charmeleon, "contestants ready, go!"

Spaghetti rebar proved a greater challenge than a mere massive bowl of nails (without any milk). Aron nibbled around the edges looking for a good place to really dig in. Carracosta, using his superior size and strength, tore whole sections out and created his own entry.

This course took longer than the first, Carracosta leading in the beginning till Aron found his opening and started doing the Pac-man.

Both once again finished at roughly the same time, announcing it with a room shaking belch. (Poor masonry.)

"Well now, wasn't that a race. Still hungry boys?"

"Bring it on!" shouted the old turtle.

"What's next?" asked the cheerful shell head.

"A brand-new car!"

"Really?"

"No" *group face-fault*, "It's actually an old car."

Right on cue the same female Machoke (cuz lipstick) threw open the doors and hauled a massive old derelict into the studio. The tires were gone so it rolled along on four dinged up rims. The rest appeared mostly intact, mostly.

"Where'd ya get his jalopy" Carracosta chuckled.

"Just something we, dug up" said Charmeleon, ignoring the old turtles withering glare.

"How come there's only one?" asked Aron.

"Because this where it gets interesting. Whoever eats the most, wins."

This revelation had the two competitors once again staring holes into each other.

FINAL COURSE

"Are we ready? Well let's go!"

The two metal munching mon dove at the car, attacking their end savagely. The hood came clean off under Carracosta's powerful flippers and the muffler was anything but quiet when Aron yanked, tugged, and banged it free.

The vicious enthusiasm carried them through about half the overall vehicle till space started to become scarce.

"Ready to give up, tiny" the old turtle taunted weakly.

"Past your nap time, grandpa" the little shell head fired back with less than maximum enthusiasm.

Insults traded, they went back to it. Metal scraped and crunched and crammed into bloated bellies next to nails and yards of rebar. The frame was gone, all that remained being bits and pieces and one wheel rim when Charmeleon called.

"Our winner!" he declared, holding up Carracosta's flipper.

"Yeah" he groaned, swaying about like a beachball.

Aron lay nearby, rolled on his back, vainly reaching for the last wheel rim. With great effort the bloated turtle waddled over to his defeated foe.

"Nice try kid. No hard feelings" he said.

"Hic… I feel funny."

The little shell head began to glow and Carracosta recoiled, about three inches, that was as far as he could get. When the light had faded the little shell head was gone, replaced by a big shell head.

"Lairon!"

"Will you look at that ladies and gentle'mon. And right here on our show. Tell me son, how do you feel?"

"I'm hungry" he said.

Carracosta took one look at the not so little mon, "Heeeeeeeeeeee!" and promptly passed out.

"Looks like everyone wins tonight. Thanks for coming out and we'll see you again, right here on?"

"CAST IRON!"

"That's the one. Thank you and goodnight!"