MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS: I haven't posted a new chapter of this story for a couple of weeks, so I wanted to give another reminder that this fic deals with the aftermath of rape and physical violence and self harm, so please be advised of this before you continue reading, if these things trigger or bother you in any way.
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Amanda stares up at the pitch dark ceiling as she lays somewhat awkwardly in bed, her thoughts in utter turmoil and unable to settle down enough to drift off into a desperately sought-after slumber. She can't get comfortable at all in her current position; sprawled out on her back across the mattress with her pajama shirt rucked up around her ribs and an ice pack placed on her stomach, a persistent hint of nausea that won't leave her alone, and Frannie snuggled up between her legs with a furry head resting on one of Amanda's thighs.
Her beloved pet has been quite out-of-sorts and extremely overprotective since she had arrived home from the precinct earlier that evening, as if the dog could sense that not only had Amanda been physically injured at work but her emotions are in complete upheaval as well, and is very dedicated to providing her owner with some sort of comfort. Frannie had spent the past few hours trotting eagerly after Amanda throughout the apartment, following her from room to room during dinner and her bedtime routine, and now their bodies seem to have become entirely merged together as the canine refuses to move even an inch away so that Amanda can try to find a position that is at least a modicum more comfortable.
She lets out a weary sigh and reaches an arm down to stroke a palm soothingly over Frannie's head, the dog letting out a whine of appreciation in response and swiping a long pink tongue over Amanda's hand as an apparent gesture of thanks. She scratches trembling fingers through her pet's warm spiky fur and lets her eyelids flutter closed, hoping against hope that she will finally be sucked down into the deep, dark depths of unconsciousness she is so longing for and that no one will be awaiting her in her dreams; that Charles Patton will not be starring in her nightmares once again and she will actually be allowed to enjoy a rare peaceful and stress-free sleep.
Slumber continues to stubbornly elude her, though, and Amanda wonders how the other human occupant of the apartment has been able to get any rest at all, as she listens to Olivia's light snores that sound on a regular basis from the couch in the living room. A soft cough or quietly spoken word punctuates the air from time to time as the older woman sleeps, Olivia seemingly caught up in some interesting dreams of her own. Amanda has very mixed feelings about the brunette spending the night at her place again, especially after what had happened at the precinct earlier that day and Amanda's comment about keeping things professional between them, but had figured it would be much easier to say yes to Olivia's worried pleas to stay overnight instead of blowing her boss off and not allowing the other woman to come over.
The first day back at work after her leave of absence had certainly been less than stellar; the combination of Olivia's and Fin's worry for her well-being mixed in with the obvious feelings from both Amaro and Carisi that she is quite sure go beyond that of just co-workers being friendly, doing their best to annoy to hell out of her before the day had been capped off with that teenage stoner kneeing her in the stomach and consequently bringing her deepest, darkest secret to light. Amanda's face burns with a blend of shame and humiliation and a particular kind of terror that she has only felt once before in her life and something she has thankfully not had the misfortune to experience for a very long time; the fear and anxiety that come with being caught, the panic and dread that stem from the knowledge of her secret being exposed and brought to light and thrust out into the open to be scrutinized and judged and picked apart, no matter how gentle and caring the intentions might be this time.
She has resolutely stayed quiet throughout the ensuing hours since Olivia had made the unsettling discovery in her office after Amanda had been injured by that drugged-up little shit at the high school, neither verbally confirming nor denying the older woman's suspicions that she has been hurting herself, although she winces upon remembering her admittance that Patton's hand had been on her hip where some of the scars reside. Olivia had insisted on escorting her home after work and Amanda had put up very little resistance, much to the brunette's obvious shock and relief, figuring it would be much easier on both of them to just give in to her boss' need to accompany her back to the apartment instead of arguing about it, despite what she had said about the two of them spending too much time together outside of work. The exhaustion of the day, combined with both the physical and emotional pain, had ended up wearing her right down until she had been too tired to utter a word of dissent, and had not been in the mood to engage in one of the legendary fights that they have become known for; had not wanted to deal with the added emotional strain of arguing with her best friend, especially about this particularly heated and serious topic.
Olivia had obviously made an effort to be as easygoing as possible when they had returned to Amanda's place, telling her that she wasn't going to keep asking about the marks on her hip or urging her to see a doctor for her stomach injury but letting Amanda know that she was ready and willing to listen, when and if she wanted to discuss anything, and assuring her that they didn't have to talk at all while she was there but that Olivia wished to remain close by to keep an eye on her. The evening had ended up being extremely awkward, to say the least; Amanda preparing a quick and easy microwavable dinner and the two of them taking Frannie out for a hurried walk in the freezing cold winter darkness before putting a movie on.
Any discussion between them had been quite minimal and they had huddled at opposite ends of the couch while the film had played, neither one paying much attention to what was happening on the TV screen, both lost in thought and consumed with their own worries. Amanda could tell that Olivia had been trying very hard to hold her tongue and not pry into her personal business with invasive and probing questions, and it had been very much appreciated, but she doesn't know how long she can hold off the other woman's inquiries, especially when she remembers how hard she had pushed Olivia in the aftermath of what had happened with Lewis and knowing how much the older woman wants to be there for her in the same way.
Amanda had seen the look in Olivia's dark eyes as she had set up the couch for the brunette to spend the night after agreeing that they would sleep separately; a complex storm of emotions raging within those deep brown orbs that she finds herself drowning in more often than not, that intense worry mixing in with something else that Amanda is too afraid to bring up in conversation. Her heart had been in her throat as she had trudged slowly into the bedroom with Frannie on her heels, leaving Olivia behind while the other woman had looked so uncharacteristically lost and forlorn, and the words had been hovering right on the tip of Amanda's tongue as she had closed the door and her eyes had bored straight into Olivia's for a brief second; the urge to tell the older woman to join her in the bed and not leave her alone bubbling up inside her throat before being determinedly tamped back down.
She had tried to ignore the disappointment and hurt that had flashed across Olivia's expression in that instant before closing herself inside her bedroom, the look on the brunette's face replaying itself over and over again in Amanda's mind, and she is quite tempted to toss the ice pack onto the nightstand and throw the covers aside to march out to the living room and squeeze onto the couch beside the other woman, giving and taking the comfort that they are obviously both so desperate for. Despite her intentions for seeing this plan through, Amanda finds that her eyelids are finally slowly drooping shut, and she gratefully allows herself to succumb to the delicious slumber that is beckoning so tantalizingly.
Her eyelids are flying back open only a moment later, however, as a soft noise has just sounded right by the bedroom door and a tentative smile stretches slowly across Amanda's face as she rubs a closed fist across her blurry eyes and tries to get a better look at the shadowy figure standing there before her. "You can join me, if you want," she whispers shyly, gesturing to the empty space on the bed beside her as she is pierced with guilt for treating Olivia so badly at the precinct, Frannie still curled up between her legs and sleeping soundly, not moving an inch at the sudden sound of her owner's voice disturbing the quiet of the night.
"Well, how kind of you, Mandy. Don't mind if I do."
Every single hair on Amanda's body is instantly rising and standing at attention as she immediately recognizes that deep Southern drawl, the calm voice and polite words always disguising her former deputy chief's true intentions; overcome with dread and fear when she realizes that it is not Olivia standing there but the man of her nightmares instead.
"You know, it's nice to see you taking some initiative here," he continues in that usual mocking and condescending tone, Amanda watching with alarm as Charles Patton materializes out of the darkness and seems to transform from a murky, shadowy being into the fully formed figure of her Atlanta boss, the moonlight breaking through the clouds outside the window and illuminating his tall and imposing frame as he takes a menacing step toward the bed.
"I know it's not all one-sided here, Miss Rollins, no matter how much you like to pretend it is. I know you want it just as much as I want to give it to you," he sneers in a whispered tone that is simmering with arousal and violence, a stark promise of the terror and humiliation and pain that is to come, and Amanda finds herself shrinking back against the headboard in horror, arms and legs folding into her chest to make her body small; to give the appearance of being so tiny that she might actually shrink and disappear entirely, and he will have no choice but to just give up and go away.
But Amanda knows from experience that Patton is like a dog with a bone and he won't give up until he has chewed completely through her, ripping her to pieces both physically and emotionally, exposing the most private parts of her body and soul before spitting out the mangled mess that remains and continuing blithely on with his own life like he hadn't just torn hers apart and has left her to wade in shock and confusion through the wreckage.
Her hand creeps slowly beneath the ice pack that is still resting on her stomach as she watches him take another step closer to the bed, one trembling fingertip tracing repeatedly around a raised scar that she finds nears her navel, remembering when Patton had held her down with one large hand splayed out across her bare abdomen, pinning her roughly to the bed while the other hand had gone to work lower on her body, thick fingers harshly invading her in places that make her sick to think about.
"Mmm, I love when your brain is consumed with thoughts of me, Mandy," he says softly, a knowing snicker emitting from his grotesque mouth; a mouth that has been on various parts of Amanda's body without her consent, and she is taken aback at his apparent ability to be able to read exactly what is on her mind. "Oops, I'm sorry, Detective Rollins," he snarls wickedly with a vicious burst of laughter. "I keep forgetting how you women think you're actually supposed to be treated with respect at the precinct, like you're our equals and not just playthings for me and my boys."
"Get the fuck out," Amanda snarls in disgust, the sudden rage that is thrumming through her outweighing the sheer and utter terror that just the mere sight of this man seems to provoke, and she unfolds herself from her curled up position against the headboard, throwing the blankets aside with the intention of leaping to her feet and physically pushing this monster out of the room with every ounce of strength that she possesses.
"Awww, you don't want me?" Patton replies with feigned hurt, the corners of his lips quirking up into a mischievous smirk. "Well, alrighty then. I'll just take my leave, if that's what you would prefer."
Amanda frowns deeply in response, blue eyes narrowing as a curl of suspicion twines around the rage and disgust that are still simmering inside, very aware that it has never been this easy before. Charles Patton always takes what he wants and doesn't leave until he is finished, and he certainly never takes orders from anyone, especially not from the likes her; small and blonde Amanda Rollins, a little girl who has no purpose being a detective and is only there to serve the needs of a man in higher power.
"It's okay, Mandy, your rejection doesn't hurt my feelings at all," he assures her with a teasing grin, and she feels a hint of uneasy relief as the large man takes a step back toward her bedroom door. "There's someone else in the other room, isn't there?" His voice has lowered down to a conspiratorial whisper and he wiggles his eyebrows up and down suggestively as his grin widens, the expression on his face indicating malicious intent that is no longer directed toward her. "A tall, dark-haired beauty with curves in all the right places and legs for days. You know, I don't just like my women young and small-boned and blonde." He winks lasciviously at her, his hand hovering over the doorknob now. "I have a broad range of tastes, and that gorgeous brunette out on the couch looks good enough to eat."
A rush of nausea suddenly races up Amanda's throat and she has to clap both hands over her mouth to keep from being violently ill, the thought of this vile, evil excuse for a man even thinking about laying a finger on Olivia inducing an abrupt physical response and a pure horror the likes of which she has never experienced before. "Don't you dare touch her, you fucking prick!" Amanda's voice is low and dangerous when she speaks, her hands curled into tight fists down by her sides, prepared to do anything and everything to protect her lieutenant from having to endure the same things that she had, even going so far as to offer herself up a sacrificial lamb. "I'll let you do anything you want to me if you just leave her alone."
Patton doesn't even grace Amanda with a verbal reply in response to her offer; instead just flashing her another one of his trademark smug smirks before whirling on his heel and giving the knob of the bedroom door a sharp twist as he steps out into the dark hallway. Amanda is in a complete panic as her body seems glued to the spot, hovering half in and half out of the bed, absolutely desperate to help Olivia; to launch herself at the man who has brought her so much hurt and anguish and pain, to try her best to physically hold him off so that he doesn't get even close to Olivia, but she can't move even an inch, her quivering limbs rooted right to the spot. When the older woman's terrified shriek sounds a moment later, Amanda has to hold in a horrified scream of her own, her heart racing madly out of control and a slick sweat matting her long hair to her head, beyond frightened for what is about to happen to her best friend, her eyes squeezing shut as if to block out everything that is about to occur.
She is overcome with an intense amount of confusion as her eyelids fly open a moment later and she finds herself standing beside the bed now, arms and legs shuddering violently and Frannie dancing around her feet in anxious perplexity, her gaze falling on the bedroom door which is firmly closed, no sign of another person having been inside the room with her. Amanda's confusion only deepens when she hears Olivia shriek again, and she has absolutely no idea what is going on; if she has been awake this whole time or had fallen asleep and is still caught up in one of her nightmares. Regardless of what is actually happening, the thought of Charles Patton having somehow found his way into her apartment with the intention of hurting the person who is more important to her than anyone else she has ever known has Amanda springing into action as her feet unglue themselves from the floor and she bursts from the room to sprint down the hallway with Frannie running so closely behind her that their legs nearly become entangled together, threatening to send both human and canine hurtling toward the hard surface of the floor.
When Amanda reaches the living room, she skids to an abrupt stop at the stunning sight before her, the pounding of her heart only increasing when she sees Olivia sitting up on the couch and muttering something under her breath while emitting the occasional whimper; the confusion and fear and a sudden spark of shameful arousal pulling tightly around Amanda to create a swirling mix of emotions. The lower half of the older woman's body is hidden beneath the blankets that are draped across her lap, the covers pooling at her waist in a jumbled heap, but her upper half is entirely exposed; no covers or pajama shirt or bra to be seen, Olivia's breasts laid bare in the soft moonlight that is trickling in the window through a gap in the curtains, gleaming olive skin and dusky pink nipples causing Amanda's breath to catch in her throat and her mouth to go dry. For a moment she thinks the brunette had been violated by Patton in the short amount of time it has taken her to rush out here and that is why Olivia is naked from the waist up, and the thought of actually feeling aroused by seeing her boss without her shirt on in this instance is enough to induce another sharp wave of nausea and remorse, completely disgusted with herself.
Amanda creeps toward the couch, an apology poised on the tip of her tongue for thinking such horrendous and inappropriate thoughts in this kind of situation, her head swinging back and forth as she looks around wildly while trying to locate Patton, but her former deputy chief seems to have vanished into thin air and she is still quite unsure of just what exactly is going on here; reality and dreams bleeding together in a jumbled mess to the point where she is unable to ascertain what is real and what is not.
Olivia is murmuring something about William Lewis; about fire and cigarettes and burning flesh, and Amanda's brain slowly to begins clear as she realizes that both of them have been suffering through their own horrific nightmares at the same time; that Patton has certainly not just left her bedroom to assault Olivia but that the brunette seems to be currently reliving her own assault, and she needs to put her own issues aside and focus on gently waking Olivia up and putting an end to the other woman's torment.
Any residual anger or resentment that Amanda had felt toward Olivia earlier in the day has completely melted away in the wake of her boss' intense distress and incoherence, the older woman still firmly caught up in her nightmare and beginning to shout heatedly at a presence that only she can see, Frannie whining in a high-pitched tone of alarm in response, and Amanda quickly shushing the dog before shooing her into the kitchen so she can turn all of her attention on Olivia.
"Liv, honey?" Amanda says quietly as she takes another step toward the couch, stopping just short of reaching out to lay a hand on her lieutenant's bare shoulder, her gaze straying down to the scars that mar the upper part of Olivia's chest, the wounds trailing down between her breasts to her scatter across her stomach. "What's going on? Where's your shirt?"
"It's too hot," Olivia mumbles, swiping a hand over a breast that is beaded with droplets of sweat. "I had to take it off. It's burning."
"It's the middle of winter, Liv," Amanda reasons quietly, although she can see that the other woman is indeed overheated, Olivia's dark hair matted to her forehead with moisture. "It's freezing in here. Why are you so hot? What's burning, honey?"
"My skin," Olivia whimpers as both hands clutch the front of her chest now. "The cigarettes are hurting me."
"Liv, there's no cigarettes in here, remember?" Amanda reminds her gently, her heart aching at the other woman's anguish. "I stopped smoking a long time ago." A habit that Amanda hadn't been able to break since she had started smoking in her teenage years had come to an abrupt end after the sight of a pack of cigarettes tucked into her purse had sent Olivia into an instant and terrifying flashback not long after her first ordeal with Lewis, causing Amanda to go cold turkey and never even so much as touching another cigarette since then.
"He won't stop burning me," Olivia cries, her arms and legs folding closer to her body as if trying to protect herself from the scene she is experiencing in her nightmare. "I try not to scream because I know he gets off on it, but I can't help it."
"Oh, Liv." Amanda's voice is hushed when she speaks, her eyes blurring with hot tears and her heart shattering into pieces because it has been a very long time since she has seen Olivia in such a state; since she has held the other woman against her chest and soothingly coaxed her from yet another devastating nightmare, since she has had to reassure her that William Lewis is dead and can never hurt her or anyone else ever again.
A sudden distressing thought occurs to Amanda as she very slowly eases herself down on the cushions next to Olivia, with the intention of putting a stop to the awful dreams and memories; of bringing her lieutenant out of the confines of her mind and back to reality, and she is stricken with the idea that she herself has been the cause of this, that Olivia seeing the scars on her hip at the precinct had been the catalyst for her own horrific nightmares featuring the scars that litter her body from the violence that Lewis had inflicted upon her. Amanda covers her mouth as she is overcome with a wave of intense guilt, reaching out to place a tender hand on Olivia's shoulder and flinching as the other woman jerks violently beneath her touch, and she knows that she needs to put a stop to this right now.
"Liv, honey? We're in my apartment, okay?" Amanda says very softly as she tries again to lay a gentle hand on Olivia's shoulder and is relieved when the older woman doesn't pull away this time. "Remember you came here with me after work and we decided to have another sleepover? It's just you, me, and Frannie here. No Lewis and no cigarettes. It's cold in here and there's nothing hot on your skin, okay? No one is hurting you. It's just a bad dream."
"He said he was making me ugly," Olivia mutters under her breath and Amanda frowns deeply, leaning forward so that she is face to face with her boss, Olivia's eyes wide open and staring straight at her, although she is unable to ascertain whether or not the brunette is actually awake. "Every time he burned me, he would laugh so hard like it was some kind of joke, saying that no one was ever going to want me when he got done with me; that I would never be able to take my clothes off in front of anyone without them asking questions, without them being disgusted, without me being reminded of him."
The tears that have welled up in Amanda's eyes come streaking down her cheeks now and she has to hold in a loud sob, not at all eager to frighten Olivia any more than she already is, and pretty sure that the other woman is now on the verge of waking up entirely and not wanting to disrupt that process and send her plummeting further back into the dark recesses of her brain. She remembers with acute and sickening clarity how it had felt to be told how ugly she was because of her scars; not expecting to hear such a thing from the person who had said it, as she had never expected to be in a situation where Charles Patton would be seeing her without a stitch of clothing on; every part of her body laid bare before his roaming and perverted gaze as his eyes had wandered up and down her naked skin, frowning in perplexity and then in knowing realization at the scars that resided in certain areas, wounds that had been put there by her own hand long before Patton had ever laid a finger on her.
The disgusted laugh that had followed; the offhand remark that she wasn't nearly as pretty underneath her clothes as he had been anticipating but that she would still be good for a nice long fuck, had dashed any hopes that Amanda had held about him tossing her aside because she didn't meet his standards, growing more humiliated and embarrassed by the second under that intensely scrutinizing gaze that seemed to burn right into every part of her being. The terror of her secret being discovered by this man; Patton repeatedly brushing aside her lame excuses that she had been injured in an accident and hadn't inflicted these wounds upon herself like he had accused of her doing, had only grown stronger when he had threatened to reveal her secret to everyone at the precinct if she didn't comply with each and every one of his demands, never failing to remind her that all of her their co-workers would soon know what Amanda had done to herself if she didn't behave like the good Southern girl she was supposed to be.
"You are not ugly, Liv," she replies with a quiet vehemence, lifting a hand to sweep aside a lock of damp hair from the other woman's forehead while her other hand drifts down to clutch onto the blankets. "You're beautiful, do you hear me? More beautiful than anyone I've ever met. There is nothing even remotely ugly about you."
"I know," Olivia whispers, and Amanda observes with no small amount of relief that the brunette is finally now fully awake and gazing back at her with a coherent, if pained, expression. "I used to think he was right; that he had made me that way, that I was ugly after the things he had done to me, but I know it isn't true." There is a slight pause as they stare at each other intently before Olivia continues speaking, swiping a tender thumb beneath Amanda's eye to catch one of the tears that are still steadily falling. "I can see it when you look at me, Amanda; that you're telling the truth when you say I'm beautiful, that you told me I was beautiful right after it happened, just like you're telling me now. That the scars he put on me don't make me ugly."
"I am telling you the truth," Amanda confirms fervently, leaning into Olivia's touch and lifting the blanket to cover the other woman up so she doesn't feel vulnerable while they have this discussion, and is surprised when the brunette gently pushes her hand away.
"I'm too hot," Olivia mutters in a small voice, like she too is on the verge of tears and is trying to put a stop to them. "I can still feel the cigarettes burning my skin, even though it was just a dream. It feels like my whole body is on fire. It feels like it's happening right now, like his hands are still on me."
"It's not happening right now," Amanda murmurs soothingly, her own tears refusing to let up in the face of Olivia's intense physical and emotional pain, and she leans forward to press a soft kiss to the older woman's forehead, one hand sliding slowly up Olivia's arm and trailing around to her back, fingers splaying out across bare, sweaty skin. "This is my hand touching you, not his, okay? You're safe, Liv. No one is hurting you, I promise."
"I know," Olivia whispers again in a tight voice, shifting back slightly so they are looking each other in the eye again, brown eyes suddenly boring into blue with an unwavering intensity. "I'm so sorry, Amanda."
"What?" she answers in confusion, frowning at the other woman while making large, sweeping circles across her boss' back. "Why are you sorry?"
"I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable," Olivia replies in a hushed tone, dark eyes bright with unshed tears. "I'm sitting here half naked, talking about my scars, when you're going through so much...some things that are very similar..."
"You're not making me uncomfortable," Amanda assures her quietly, another strong wave of guilt hitting her so hard that it almost takes her breath away with the force of it; that persistent sensation that she was the one who had caused this with her own flashbacks of Patton and her fears of being naked in front of anyone and Olivia's discovery of her scars.
A tear slips from Olivia's eye to roll down her cheek and Amanda's heart breaks as she watches the other woman's face crumple, the apologizes falling steadily from the brunette's lips. "I'm sorry, Amanda. I know you've been going through something terrible lately, and I'm trying to be strong for you, but I just can't get him out of my head right now...the scars hurt so much..."
Amanda stifles a sob and gathers her boss to her chest as gently as she can, mindful of the fact that Olivia is in pain but wanting to provide comfort in any way that she possibly can, murmuring soothingly into her ear that she is safe here and that Olivia doesn't have to be strong all the time, her arms winding themselves around the taller woman's back to stroke tenderly along heated skin, while Amanda desperately tries to push down the immense amount of guilt that is threatening to swallow her whole.
She is devastated that it has come to this; that Olivia is suffering through her own nightmares again and breaking down in Amanda's arms, most likely in response to what has been happening with Amanda herself, and for all of the effort that she has put into making it seem like everything is fine and trying to convince herself and everyone else that nothing is wrong, it is all coming crashing down around her now; first with her own flashbacks and nightmares and the reveal of the scars on her hip, and now with Olivia's own horrific dreams and physical pain. The trip to Costa Rica had done nothing to start her on the road to recovery or to make her feel even the slightest bit better about things, despite her claims that the time away had been very good for her, so desperate for everything to be fine again and not wanting to let anyone in on her own private and shameful agony.
She is aware of how unfair it is that she had pushed so hard into the other woman's life with the intention of helping her after the ordeals with Lewis, but now that the tables are turned, she is pushing Olivia away just as firmly and not allowing the brunette to help her in return, and Amanda bites back a whimper as she realizes that her own scars are now throbbing as much as Olivia's seem to be, the newest ones fresh and excruciating and having been etched into her skin right after she had left the older woman alone in the living room for the night, suffering through another flashback of Patton while she had been getting ready for bed in the bathroom.
Amanda presses the softest of kisses along the tops of Olivia's shoulders as she rocks the other woman back and forth in her embrace and listens to the quiet crying and sniffling, trying to ignore the pulse of pain in certain areas of her body that she doesn't wish to think about Patton touching and wanting to focus all of her attention on the trembling woman in her arms. She leans back slightly to get a look at Olivia's tear-streaked face when her gaze wanders down between their bodies to the scars on her boss' chest, and this is the first time that she is getting an up close and personal look, having only caught quick glimpses when Olivia has been changing. That guilt is slamming into Amanda with the force of a train now; reminded yet again that while it had been her own choice to drag a razor across her tender skin, any choice of Olivia's had been taken away from her while she had been at the mercy of a man intent on degrading her and abusing her for his own pleasure.
"Do they still hurt?" Amanda whispers, inhaling a shuddering breath as she speaks, both of their faces awash in tears, and she finds herself raising a hesitant arm to Olivia's chest, her fingertips hovering right over the marks as if she can soothe the pain away with a gentle touch.
Just as she realizes what she is about to do, horrified with herself for nearly touching an intimate part of Olivia's body without her permission, the brunette shocks Amanda by tenderly taking her hand in her own and pressing Amanda's palm right over heart. She sucks in another deep mouthful of air as her fingers spread out along Olivia's heated skin, feeling the strong heartbeat thrumming beneath her hand as she stares at the wide dark eyes that are boring right back into her own with an unwavering intensity, their gazes locked together and both of them ceasing to speak for a long moment.
She can feel the raised scars beneath her palm and fingertips, although she makes sure to keep herself entirely still while Olivia continues to hold her hand against her heart, the organ pumping as hard as Amanda's currently is, and despite the most intimate moment she has ever shared with this woman who has become her whole world over these past couple of years, she is still unable to bring herself to speak about her own scars that reside on many hidden parts of her body. A brief thought flickers through her mind that Olivia is only doing this so that Amanda will feel comfortable enough to open up about what has been happening; to come clean about the wounds that litter her body that were not put there by a madman but by her own hand, this habit that had started way back when she was hardly more than a child and was first made aware of just what kind of monsters live in this world, this habit that now continues whenever anything of that sort happens, whether it be in reality or in a nightmare or flashback.
"Is this okay?" Olivia whispers, her gaze flickering down to their joined hands before raising back up so their eyes are locked together once again, and Amanda nods slowly, overcome with so many conflicting emotions that she is having trouble replying verbally. "I just-" Olivia falters with her words momentarily before speaking again. "I just wanted to feel your touch instead of his. His hands...they're just all over me..."
Amanda lays a gentle finger against Olivia's lips, the corner of her mouth quirking up into a sad little smile. "It's more than okay, Liv," she whispers back. "Anytime you need this, it's more than okay, alright?" Now she is the one who is faltering when she tries to speak, the words coming out in a muted, almost inaudible tone. "God, Olivia, I am so very sorry for everything he put you through."
Her hand slips from over the other woman's heart as she leans forward to pull Olivia back into her arms, squeezing her a bit more tightly this time, feeling overwhelmed with everything that is happening; that the two of them are so broken and falling apart at the same time, and she is so desperate to fix this, to make things right again, that she presses her lips very lightly to the side of Olivia's neck to try and bring the brunette some comfort and obliterate any lingering thoughts of William Lewis.
She hears Olivia let out a soft sigh and feels the older woman tilt her head to the side to give Amanda better access, so she continues peppering small kisses down to the brunette's shoulders, pressing her mouth again and again to warm soft skin, whispering repeatedly that it's just her here and no one else, that Olivia is safe and no one is hurting her, before trailing her lips back up to the other woman's neck and then placing a lingering kiss on her cheek, followed by a fleeting one near the corner of her mouth. Her heart seems to grind to a complete halt inside her chest when Olivia turns her head to the side just enough so that her lips are grazing Amanda's own in a gesture that might be a reciprocation of comfort or possibly something more, and before Amanda can think too hard about the situation and whether or not this is right or wrong, she is deepening the kiss.
Olivia responds immediately, her lips caressing gently against Amanda's, a warmth blooming inside to slowly encompass her entire body and a sudden pleasant ache making itself known between her legs. She resolutely pushes this feeling down, focusing instead on the tender kiss she is sharing with the woman who means more to her than anyone she ever known, the action neither hurried nor demanding, just a soft and gentle pressure that lasts for only a moment before each is simultaneously pulling the other back into their arms, holding on tightly like they are intent on never letting go, Amanda burying her face into Olivia's silky dark tresses and closing her eyes.
There is complete silence between them for quite some time as they sit there holding one other on the couch in the dark living room, the clock ticking steadily away toward dawn, the only sound in the apartment the rhythmic click of Frannie's toenails as the dog paces back and forth with apparent impatience in the kitchen, like she is waiting for the two of them to pull themselves together so they can go back to bed.
Amanda feels Olivia's chin shift slightly on her shoulder so that the older woman's mouth is right against her ear, a shiver running down her spine as the brunette's warm breath caresses her skin, her entire body freezing when Olivia suddenly speaks in a hushed whisper. "Amanda, are you hurting yourself?"
Amanda goes completely stiff with shock and fear in her sergeant's arms, her breath as well as her voice caught in her throat, although she is unsure of why she is so surprised and stricken with a question that Olivia has already asked. "It's okay, sweetheart," the other woman murmurs quietly, and Amanda feels a tender hand come up to stroke through long blonde strands of rumpled hair. "You can be honest with me. Please don't be afraid to talk to me. This is very important, Amanda."
The tears which have begun to dry on her cheeks are beginning to well up in her eyes once again when Olivia leans away from her to grasp onto both of Amanda's hands with each of her own, squeezing in a kind but firm gesture. "Please tell me the truth, honey. I'm scared for you." There is a prolonged pause and Amanda watches as Olivia swallows hard, the same tears that are swimming in her own blue eyes mirrored in the older woman's large dark orbs. "Are you hurting yourself in the places Patton touched you?"
Amanda finds that she cannot look away no matter how hard she tries, her eyes locked intently onto Olivia's once again, her heart pounding so frantically inside her chest and her body shaking so violently that it is all she can do to hold herself upright on the cushions, one whispered and shame-filled word finally falling from between parted lips.
"Yes."