Dear Readers-

I apologize this is so long in coming. I have to say my move and new job and all the associated stress really got the better of me. I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but I want to get it out there and move on. I hope you all enjoy it; and I promise there'll be some relief from the angst eventually.

The Reason for Things

Jack stared out the windscreen as a light rain started to fall. It was loud inside the otherwise silent SUV. Checking the time, he sighed heavily. Tosh had been inside for almost a half hour. Jack laid his head back against the seat and closed his eyes, clenching his fists as he fought the urge to run inside and demand answers from Ianto.

It had been two days since the events surrounding Lisa, or rather the half-converted shell of Lisa, had occurred. Two days since she had wreaked havoc on the Hub. Just two days. And while Jack had accepted Ianto's willingness to clear up the mess she'd left behind, he was still very angry.

When the Hub resembled its pre-Lisa state, Jack sent Ianto home for a long weekend to think about if he really wanted to stay at Torchwood. It had taken all of his self control not to rail against the younger man in that moment. He hadn't been blind to the shame and defeat in Ianto's expression, yet Jack had felt no empathy for him. Still Jack was willing to give Ianto a second chance, something he'd done seldom few times in his storied past.

Jack had been certain he would return to work the following week. Ianto knew the consequences if he were to choose to leave Torchwood; he would be retconned. He would remember nothing of the last few years. No traces of Torchwood would remain, which meant no traces of Lisa would remain either. Jack, though his list of former lovers was long, would never want to be deprived the memory of any of them and he was certain Ianto would not want to forget Lisa, no matter how painful the memories. He therefore assumed Ianto would be back.

The following Monday Ianto didn't show up. A slight paralyzing fear overtook Jack but he quickly pushed those emotions away, replacing them with the hurt anger he still felt. He spent the day stomping and raging around the Hub, not really noticing the others. Late in the afternoon Tosh paid Jack a visit. She wanted him to drive her to Ianto's. He understood her concern for Ianto and admired her empathy even as he struggled with his own wounded ego. If he were honest with himself he was actually a bit jealous at her ability to forgive. Tosh still saw the best in people even after all she'd been through. Jack was much less forgiving. He had seen too much and was jaded to humanity and its selfish need to lie and deceive in order to serve its own purposes. He didn't think Ianto's motives were purely selfish, and he wanted to move past the events but he was hurt.

Jack was hurt by the deception; the lies that Ianto had told both outright to Jack's face, and the lies he had told by omission. He recalled the conversations he'd had with Ianto about working late, or the mornings when Jack would emerge from his bunk to find Ianto already at the Hub. Turns out all those times he'd been taking care of Lisa, all under Jack's very nose. It made Jack feel like a fool, and Jack didn't like to feel that way, especially when the feelings were brought on by someone he trusted.

He had trusted Ianto more than he had trusted anyone in some time. He had felt a kind of closeness with him, almost from the beginning. He seemed older than his years; almost wise. Jack now knew he could attribute that to what had happened at Canary Wharf and the things he saw there.

As they'd approached the non-descript building Jack had felt fresh stirrings of anger grow in his stomach. Tosh had wanted Jack to accompany her inside but he wasn't ready to face Ianto yet; he was still too angry. He'd leave the condolence visit to Tosh.

So Jack waited.

Sometime later, Jack was startled from a light sleep by the SUV passenger door opening quickly. He watched, slightly bemused, as a dripping wet Tosh jumped quickly into the SUV. The light rain had turned heavy and Jack was surprised he hadn't noticed. The larger drops were exponentially louder on the roof of the vehicle.

"Didn't think it was supposed to rain this much today," he said as he started the SUV, turning up the heat and turning the vents in Tosh's direction.

Tosh just shrugged and leaned forward, rubbing her hands furiously together and gently shaking her head as warm air blasted out of the vents. Jack felt water droplets from her wet hair land on his cheek as he stared ahead.

The SUV warmed up quickly in the early fall weather and Jack was soon sweating beneath his wool greatcoat. Once the windscreen had cleared of fog Jack shifted the SUV into drive and pulled away from Ianto's building, steering them back towards the Hub.

"So," Jack said after several minutes of silence, his curiosity getting the better of him, "how is he? And more importantly, is he coming back to work?"

His eyes moved quickly to glance at Tosh. She had her head resting against the back of the seat and was staring straight ahead, her expression sad.

"He's not good, Jack," she said finally, glancing over at him.

"He's heartbroken and consumed with guilt over what happened. And he's lonely," she added. Jack watched her eyes blink rapidly. Undoubtedly she was fighting back tears. Tosh felt everything if she allowed herself. It was one of the things Jack loved about her. He turned back to the road, his chest tightening. Jack sighed inwardly and clenched his jaw. He wasn't ready to feel sorry for Ianto; he was still angry.

"He's completely distraught because he feels like he disappointed you," Tosh added, a slight edge to her tone.

"Did he say that?" Jack asked in a measured voice, his eyes on the road as they started to encounter afternoon Cardiff traffic.

"Not in so many words," Tosh replied with a sigh. "But it's obvious that Ianto has a bit of a hero-worship complex when it comes to you, Jack."

"Is it?" Jack asked, a small smile playing on his lips in spite of his efforts to remain indifferent.

When Tosh didn't respond, Jack glanced at her and his smile faltered. Her expression was angry, her eyes hard and narrow.

"This is serious, Jack. Ianto needs reassurance from all of us, but especially from you. It would go a long way if you would go talk to him. Let him know that he didn't let you down. That might be an incentive for him to come back to work."

Jack remained silent as he pondered her words. He wanted to reassure Ianto but he wasn't sure he could. Not yet anyway. The truth was Ianto had let him down, and Jack was in no position to make any grand gestures or offer forgiveness. He needed time, too.

"Right," he said with finality, glancing at Tosh with a look he hoped conveyed that the conversation was over. The sounds of the wipers on the windscreen filled the vehicle as it made its way back to the Hub through the heavy rain, both its occupants lost in their own thoughts.

Ianto didn't show up for work on Tuesday or Wednesday, and the Hub was quiet as everyone kept to their own work. Even Owen was subdued. Jack busied himself with hunting Weevils, hoping the activity would leave little time to consider Ianto or what Tosh had said to him. It worked some of the time, but Jack still found he was thinking about Ianto more than he wanted.

Thursday morning that same week Jack awoke feeling anxious. For the first time since the discovery of Ianto's betrayal his first thoughts about Ianto weren't laced with anger. Jack actively missed him. He missed his proper manners, his neat appearance, his voice, and most noticeably his coffee. No one else had the skill for coffee like Ianto; no one else could get it "just right" like Ianto. Jack knew he wasn't the only one wondering what they would do about beverage services if Ianto decided not to return.

The morning passed slowly with Jack sitting behind his desk staring blankly at forms and invoices that Ianto usually helped him complete or that he did himself, later shoving them in front of Jack for his signature. Jack waged a war within himself as he resisted the urge to forgive Ianto for his mistakes while simultaneously trying to fuel his waning anger; he wanted to maintain the rage. Remaining angry was much easier than offering forgiveness and truthfully, Jack didn't want to confront Ianto. What he wanted more than anything was to simply bring the young man back to the Hub and move on as if nothing had happened. But Jack knew that wasn't fair, and that Ianto deserved more than for Jack to just ignore everything that had happened.

By lunchtime Jack was going mad with the thoughts swirling in his head. Without a word he threw on his great coat and strode out of the Hub. He shortly found himself at a pub around the corner from Ianto's flat. He hadn't intended to go there, but as he pulled the SUV out of the parking garage he found himself automatically driving towards Ianto's. Still, his pride kept him from making the last part of the trip up the steps to his door. So Jack found himself at a Pub, a double of scotch in front of him, his mind a cacophony of arguments for why he should go talk to Ianto, and why he shouldn't.

Watching his reflection in the mirror behind the bar Jack rolled his neck, trying to ease the stress of the last week. Closing his eyes he downed the scotch, relishing the burn as it trailed down his throat to his stomach. It was the first drop of alcohol he'd consumed in years and Jack felt the effects of the drink almost instantly. His body warmed from his core, the heat spreading quickly up his neck and down his arms and legs.

"Another?" The young barkeep appeared in front of Jack, the bottle of scotch poised above the empty tumbler, ready to pour.

"No," Jack turned the glass upside down and pushed it away.

"Ice water," he added ignoring the arched eyebrow of the barkeep.

Jack continued to stare at his reflection, seeing the glass of ice water appear out of the corner of his eye. Suddenly and without warning, a memory jumped to the front of Jack's mind. A memory of something many decades gone, yet it was so vivid it could have happened only days ago…

She had been an employee of Torchwood when Jack had fallen in love with her. She had been, for a short time, the most important thing in his life. Jack would have done anything for her; anything at all. Suddenly Jack understood completely.

"Damn," Jack whispered as he took a long drink of water, then tossing some money on the bar he headed out into the damp afternoon.

For almost five minutes Jack stood outside Ianto's door, alternately knocking and calling out his name to no response. Jack sighed and raised his hand to knock again when he finally heard the movement of the lock and the door slowly slid open.

"It's about damn time," Jack blurted with exasperation as he pushed his way through the door into Ianto's flat.

"What do you want, sir," Ianto closed the door and slipped the lock once more. He leaned heavily against it and stared at Jack with red-rimmed eyes, his face wearing several days of stubble. Jack noticed Ianto's facial hair had a reddish tint and he fought the urge to reach out and rub his hand along Ianto's cheek.

"Are you drunk?" Jack stared back.

Ianto shrugged and shuffled past Jack into the flat. The window shades were drawn and the place was dark and moody.

"How about some coffee? Won't be as good as yours but I can make a decent cup," Jack announced loudly as he strode into the kitchen.

"Got none," Ianto said. Jack was caught off guard with the suddenly improper speech pattern. He stopped and turned at the kitchen doorway, in time to see Ianto fall heavily onto the sofa.

"Water then," Jack said under his breath as he moved the rest of the way into the kitchen, taking note of the half-eaten Chinese take-out and the ominous smell coming from the trash bin.

"Drink," Jack strode around the sofa and shoved the water at Ianto, holding his gaze as Ianto stared at him. They stayed like that for nearly a minute before Ianto finally reached out and took the glass.

"You didn't answer my question," he said, sipping the water.

"I don't know," Jack replied awkwardly. This wasn't going as he had expected.

"I guess…I wondered if you were coming back to work," he added lamely, watching Ianto cradle the glass of water in his hands.

Ianto's let out a barking laugh, causing Jack to jump.

"You don't need me," he snorted before he took another sip of water. "I'm just the tea-boy. Ask anyone."

Ianto's self-deprecating tone hurt Jack in a way that surprised him. He had never considered Ianto to have a low self-esteem, but burying a lover can bring out the worst in people. Jack knew better than most. He'd buried many lovers; too many in fact. He tried not to think about all the future lovers he'd also see buried, the curse of his eternal life. No, what he needed to do now was focus on helping Ianto.

Jack didn't respond right away. He simply watched the man in front of him. The man who undoubtedly felt as if he'd lost everything worth living for. He wanted to reassure Ianto that he was so much more than the tea-boy; that he had so much more to live for. But Jack didn't know how.

"Ianto-," Jack began, but Ianto suddenly leaned forward bringing his face inches from Jack's.

"What are you doing here, Jack?" Ianto asked again softly, almost pleadingly. His eyes bore into Jack's, searching.

"I-," Jack started but again, Ianto cut him off.

"Why did you even hire me?" A single tear fell down Ianto's cheek and Jack felt an immediate compulsion to wrap his arms around Ianto and hold him tight.

"Ianto," Jack's voice was a whisper as the two men continued to stare at each other. Jack could feel Ianto's breath on his lips. He could see the fading bruises on Ianto's forehead, now with a greenish tint to them. His head felt thick with cotton, the proximity of Ianto distracting him.

"Why, Jack?" Ianto asked again, his voice barely a whisper.

They were like that for what felt to Jack like an eternity, but what was probably only a few seconds, before Ianto moved away and fell back against the sofa, a heavy sigh escaped his lips. Jack saw he still held the glass of water in his hands.

"I liked you," Jack finally answered. Now that there was a bit more distance between them, Jack felt his wits returning.

"You were persistent. You wouldn't take no for an answer."

And you looked good in that suit, Jack thought to himself as he remembered their third meeting.

"I might regret asking," Jack added, breaking the silence and changing the direction of the conversation, "how'd you know where to find me that first night?"

Ianto shrugged and shook his head.

"You probably will regret asking," he raised his head and stared at Jack.

"I was following you. Had been for awhile."

Jack raised his eyebrows questioningly as he thought back, trying to figure out how he had never noticed. Jack was usually good at noticing things like that.

"I wasn't planning to approach you that night, but when that Weevil started attacking you," Ianto paused and shrugged again. "I reacted on instinct."

Jack nodded as he recalled the night. Ianto's assistance hadn't been necessary, but there had been a brief moment in which Jack had almost lost control of the situation. He would have been alright, being unable to die, but Ianto didn't know that about him so of course he'd jump to help.

"I felt terrible about what I was doing," Ianto said, taking another drink of water. Jack was glad to see he appeared to be calming down; the self-pitying tone leaving his voice and his manners and propriety returning.

"Using you for the Torchwood technology," a single tear slipped from Ianto's eyes, "but I had to try."

"People will do a lot for love," Jack said, surprising himself at his attempt to excuse Ianto's actions.

"Before I came over here, I was reminded of something, someone. From a long time ago," Jack said, suddenly feeling awkward and vulnerable. He never talked about his past with his team, and here he was about to discuss one of the most intimate and heart-breaking moments in his life.

"Her name was Mary," Jack smiled as he pictured her; she had dark, shining hair and full, red lips. Her eyes were a deep brown, so dark they appeared almost black.

Jack started pacing. He could feel Ianto's eyes on him.

"I met her shortly after I started working for Torchwood. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen," Jack shoved his hands into his trouser pockets, his fingers finding the stopwatch he carried, "at the time anyway."

"We had a whirlwind romance. She gave me her fa-," Jack paused almost imperceptively, "grandfather's watch."

Jack pulled out the stopwatch and turned it over in his hands. It had belonged to her father, but since Jack met Mary in 1920 he couldn't very well say that. He held the watch out to Ianto and the younger man took it. Jack watched him run his thumb over the glass cover.

"It's nice," Ianto said, giving the watch back.

"It was the last thing Mary gave me because the next day she was killed," Jack smiled down at the watch as the image of Mary naked in bed, laughing as Jack teased her with strawberries, flashed in his mind. It was the same memory that had come to him at the pub. It had been their last night together.

"Killed?" Ianto asked.

"Yeah," Jack sighed as he pocketed the watch once more. "A casualty of Torchwood."

Jack met Ianto's stare and smiled wide.

"It happens to the best of us," Jack shrugged.

"What'd you do?" Ianto asked, his expression showing real concern and Jack felt a surge of affection for him. That he would feel bad for Jack for something that happened almost a century earlier left Jack feeling a little guilty that he'd been so hard on him.

"I got drunk," Jack answered, "lasted days. I didn't go to work and I didn't eat and I didn't sleep. I just drank. But it didn't help. After a week my coworkers dragged me here and locked me in a cell to dry out. I was furious at them all. For Mary's death, for trapping me. It took me a long time to heal from her loss."

Ianto had leaned back into the sofa and was staring at his hands.

"I wanted to marry her," Jack added, his voice barely a whisper. He had never spoken this out loud before, and it was true. He had planned to marry her. He was going to tell her the truth and hope she would accept him.

"I'm sorry for your loss Jack," Ianto said as he stood from the sofa. "But the situations are hardly the same. Mary didn't try to kill you and all your friends. How can I face everyone after what happened?"

"We'll get over it. Move on," Jack said, holding out his hand.

"Everyone wants you back," Jack added as he watched Ianto stare at his outstretched hand in confusion, "we want you back, and we want to help you heal."

Ianto looked from Jack's hand to Jack's face, his eyebrows arched questioningly.

"Even Owen?" Ianto asked with a hint of sarcasm.

Jack smiled and nodded. The Ianto Jack knew was beginning to reemerge and Jack was desperate to help him along.

Slowly, Ianto reached out and shook Jack's hand.

"Great! So I'll see you tomorrow then," Jack moved to leave and pausing at the door he looked back at Ianto. The younger man nodded and Jack threw him a wink and a smile, and headed back to the Hub.