"He always said he would die alone- but he was not; not really. I knew I would always be there with him at the end, even if it was only my thoughts."

This time Spock too was in tears; silent and stoic as always, but his eyes shone with his sobs and he leaned heavily against Kirk for support. Jim could hardly breathe, his chest tight and painful as he came back to himself, barely aware of his own tear-streaked cheeks as he felt the loss of Spock Prime's Jim as keenly as if it had been his own. He glanced at his Spock, guessing at the awful, bottomless anguish his Vulcan was feeling, and he put an arm out to steady him, Spock clinging to it with a grip so painful Kirk had to bit his lip to stop from crying out. Spock Prime said nothing for a long moment, lost in his own memories and barely even registering their presence.

Through their physical contact, Spock could feel Jim's sadness and confusion, a dull echo of the emotion but painful nonetheless. Jim's thoughts were a swirl of conflicting thoughts and panic.

Oh god, he lost so much- how can I help him need to help, to be okay, have to- Spock, how do we fix this-

Spock tried something which he had not previously dared, despite their sexual intimacy and their previously easy friendship. Tentatively, he sent a thought out to Kirk's mind.

We will do whatever we can.

Jim hid his shock extremely well; only a widening of his eyes and a sharp exhale betraying him.

How long have you been able to do that-

Always-

Fuck, if I'd known I wouldn't-

Spock cut the connection abruptly, releasing Jim's arm from his grip. He didn't want to hear Jim's excuses about how uncomfortable he was with Spock hearing his thoughts; he had worked it out already by how little his Captain had engaged in physical contact recently.

Kirk looked distressed, but said nothing, confirming Spock's fears.

Why would he stop talking to me? Is my mind that terrible to him, does it hurt him to touch it?

"I do hope that I have not upset you," Spock Prime said at length. "It was not my intention."

"We're- we're fine," Jim lied, knowing that the old Vulcan almost certainly knew but was too polite to say.

Spock wiped the tears from his face almost impatiently, clearing his throat. "If we could find some way to assist you-"

"I do not think it possible," his older counterpart replied gently. "But I thank you for your concern."

Helplessly, Spock turned to Jim, his eyes dark and beseeching. Kirk could not think of any reply that would ease the suffering in that expression, so he said nothing, his own eyes locked on the Vulcan's in what he hoped was silent support. Hesitantly, he reached out to Spock again, slowly, as though he were a frightened animal; and the Vulcan sighed and leaned into the touch, every nerve ending burning with need and desperation to connect.

Spock- Jim thought carefully, trying to get his message across. –It'll be okay, we'll work it out like we always do-

How can we help him, when we cannot even help ourselves?

He sounded exhausted, a hint of terror breaking through. An image came to Kirk clearly, powerful and full of empty, hollow bitterness and sorrow.

Jim- so close, can see his breath on the glass-his eyes so vivid, willing me to be closer but I cannot, I cannot touch him and it is killing me to watch this- his hand on the glass, pressed so hard his fingertips turn white, trembling as I will the glass to disappear so we can touch-so we can kiss-does he even know that's what it is-Jim slumping, scared and alone in there-his eyes glazing over, losing their fight and he is gone, my Jim is gone, and he said I was his friend but I am not, I allowed this to happen and now I have nothing-

This was Jim's death, seen through the eyes of Spock, and he was overwhelmed, drowning in the intensity of Spock's emotion. Kirk felt sick, dizzy as though he was about to pass out, and Spock pulled back from the human's touch hurriedly, as though ashamed.

Now he knows, now he sees that I cannot lose him again- I have felt as my elder counterpart is feeling- and I would rather have died than live with that knowledge of being hollow. How much worse would it have been to be bonded-but that may never be-

I never knew- I didn't even ask him how he felt, he watched me die and thought that was it- I had no idea how much he blames himself when it was my fault-

Spock Prime had leaned back against his pillows silently, waiting for them to recover. Now he looked between them curiously, clearing his throat politely.

"Do I assume that you have yet to resolve your issues?" he asked after a discreet pause.

"We're fine." This time it was Spock who lied, unable to meet his counterpart's eyes.

"Indeed. I believe I need to rest," was all Spock Prime said. "Will you visit with me again tomorrow?"

"Of course," Jim replied, and they both rose to their feet as one.

He seemed to sleep almost immediately, and they left his house in respectful silence.

The heat assaulted Jim as soon as they stepped out of the door, and he groaned. "Seriously?"

It was almost unendurable after the cool of Spock Prime's home, and he narrowed his eyes against the glare hopelessly, staggering.

"We must return to the Enterprise," Spock said calmly as he contacted the ship and had them beamed aboard.

He won't last long out here-at least the temperature is constant on the ship. And I think he means for us to talk, though I do not believe I wish to hear what he has to say.

He helped Jim to his quarters, the human recovering sufficiently to walk. He was sweating despite his brief exposure, and Spock was almost amused at how unsuited to temperature fluctuations human biology was. The door closed behind them and Spock stood beside it, his arms carefully behind his back as he waited for Jim to say whatever it was he needed.

I believe this conversation has been approaching for a while. I did not wish for it to end this way. I will fight. I will make him understand that I cannot lose him-

Kirk sat on the edge of his bed, pulling his shirts over his head wearily. He glanced up at Spock, his eyes troubled.

Why is he so silent, why doesn't he want to talk to me anymore?-does he not like me now, did I do something wrong-I won't let him drift away without a fight. I can't.

"Spock-" he started finally, settling himself more comfortably on his bed. "I…need to talk to you."

"Yes, Captain."

"I- you've been distant with me lately…not yourself. I was-are you alright?" It was woefully inadequate, Jim knew it, but the words were stuck in his throat, unable to get out, unable to say I need you, don't stop touching me, you are mine, you must be mine forever, please-

Spock blinked, uncomprehending. "I am…fine, Captain."

"But you- we used to be friends- before. And we still do stuff, like chess and everything, but you're not there anymore."

"I am…sorry, Captain?" What does he mean, why is he saying this as though he regrets it?

Damn it, why is he not listening to me-

"Spock-for fuck's sake-I'm trying to tell you I miss you-"

"That is illogical as I am right here, Cap-"

"You know what I'm saying, don't play the idiot with me now Spock!"

"But Captain-"

"And call me Jim!"

"Jim- I do not understand why-"

"You won't touch me, Spock! You talk and you read with me, we play chess, but you barely look at me and you won't fuck me and you don't touch me and I need it, I need you to- " he stopped, breathless and panicking, and averted his eyes from Spock to stare at the pile of crumpled shirts on his floor.

"You are distressed because we have not engaged in coitus-?"

"No!"

"Then I do not-"

Unless he is suggesting what I think he may be, which would be impossible as he never initiates a conversation about our level of commitment to one another-

God damn this stubborn, stupid Vulcan! He has an IQ of like, a million, and he is still so thick!

"Spock I am attempting to tell you that I- that I need you and that I want us to not be weird and to be back how we were."

"Oh." So no then- we were casual at best. Spock's heart sank from the slightly hopeful flutter it had just achieved.

"No- I mean-more- I mean I want us to be…a thing, you know?"

"A…thing…Captain?"

Kirk made a frustrated gesture in the air. "Like a couple-"

"Indeed?"

Kirk glared at him. "I'm pouring out my fucking heart and you only manage indeed?"

"I am sorry that my response is inadequate, Captain-" The truth is, I'm completely at a loss as to how to proceed.

Jim groaned, rubbing a hand through his hair in exasperation. "You know what, maybe you should go sleep." This clearly isn't going well. Maybe I misjudged him, maybe he's over me-I thought with Spock Prime and everything-

"I am not tired."

"Well, fuck off anyway."

"Captain- Jim-" and Kirk couldn't help the low buzz of arousal just hearing his name spoken by Spock gave him, despite his anger. "-I would be…amenable to this suggestion."

I cannot stop wanting you, needing you always, you will be mine and mine alone and I will keep you safe, you will not die somewhere needlessly without me-

Spock took that one step forward, reaching out to grasp Kirk on the shoulder, and Jim leaned into him wearily, his anger dissipating as he yawned. "We'll talk about it more tomorrow, yeah?"

"Indeed…Jim- how are we going to help my counterpart?"

"I don't know, but we have to try."

"I agree completely. Perhaps there is some form of comfort we could allow him."

"I have a plan, I think- but it can wait. Goodnight, Spock." I would ask you to stay with me, but-

I wish you would ask me to stay- "Goodnight, Jim."