Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII
Humor
Cloud/Zack
Summary: Zack isn't paying attention to him, and Cloud wanted to know why. NOW.
Disclaimer: If I owned Cloud and Zack, then this so humorous scene would have happened a lot more often. And most likely in public. With more blood involved.
Attention
"I doubt you could even get his attention, Strife." The General told me in his usual monotone voice.
But this time I could catch a hint of confusion and slight worry in it. Which is weird. I can tell the different tones in the General's monotone voice? That's like an oxymoron.
Zack's hatred of paperwork is legendary. I remember him once waking me in the middle of the night screaming about a paper war and the pen-caliber. I never managed to get an explanation out of him for that either.
"I'm still going to try." I said with a nod to him, and the General merely sighed at me.
"Good luck," He said coolly, stopping in place while I continued forward and raised my hand, hitting the wooden door in front of me once with the back of my knuckles.
There was no answer. I blinked once, tilting my head at the door.
When you knock on the door, normally Zack has a cheerful greeting for you, depending on the person at the door.
He told me once he can tell who it is normally by their scent, gait, and whether he wants to talk to them by their heartbeat.
See Spike, a fast heartbeat means something made them break free from the norm. They're excited, they're shocked. They're angry - well that's a bad one actually – they're happy happy happy! Fast heartbeats get me out of the office! Slow heartbeats are boring, normal normal people on their normal routines – normally with more paperwork the evil people – and are boring, making me have to stay longer in this smelly place! Slow heartbeats means no fun.
"Zack?" I said hesitantly. There was a sound inside, Zack's incoherent mumbling, and then Zack's distracted voice loud enough for me to understand.
"Come in!"
Utterly irregular.
I quickly grabbed the door handle and turned it, pushing the door open.
…I looked in the room and froze, blinking a few times.
Zack was doing paperwork.
Zack was sitting in his desk, with both feet on the ground, hunched over his desk, a pen and a piece of paper simultaneously in his left – and dominant hand – his right hand clutched into the long hair behind his ear, that elbow on his desk, holding a page onto the surface he was scanning.
Zack actually brushed the dust off of his tactics brain, and had turned it on.
Staring at him, I gently closed the door behind me, and wondered over to the leather couch he had near the door, sat down, and simply observed him.
I had almost forgotten just how much I love watching him think.
Unique grey hued purple eyes were constantly in motion – I guess since when he's serious his body's utterly still, something still has to move – roaming over everything around necessary to crack the problem; the orders, the map, the page with troop numbers, the information on the terrain…
I've witnessed Zack create a near fool proof battle plan for a group of people he knew, and an environment with enemies he didn't.
In a little more than half an hour.
Zack may always come around as a loveable idiot, but he hid a brilliant mind behind a dazzling smile.
But he hadn't put on his thinking brain since the last skirmish in the Wutai war. Why did he now?
And I managed to sit here for nearly ten minutes while Zack stayed in his chair, and he has yet to say a word. That worries me. Just a little.
"…Zack?"
He made a vague noise, but didn't say a word, freeing another sheet of paper from under his elbow and scribbled something on it. From here it looks like a line of numbers. And not binary. He's writing numbers and it's not binary?
I had to look around him to the floor to ceiling window behind him and stared at the sky.
Nope. Still blue. Clouds are white, it's not raining cats or dogs or strange animals. The sky isn't falling, nor is it raining fire upon the planet.
"Zack." I said again, and this time purple grey eyes darted up to look at me for maybe a second, before they turned back to the page in his hand.
I blinked.
When Zack first latched onto me after I failed the SOLDIER exams, I used to pray to anyone and anything listening that for a half an hour – maybe if not that than even a minute! – that Zack would just shut up.
Now he has and I feel like a rug was pulled from under my feet.
I said his name again in disbelief, but this time he didn't even acknowledge me.
No wonder the General wished me luck.
Even in his thinking mode, Zack would sometimes talk to me while he worked. He's never been able to sit still and be quiet while I'm around.
Utterly confused, I stood from the couch and walked over to his desk, pressing both hands to the wood.
Then got another shock.
Zack has a work station on his desk. Why I know that is a scene I remember whenever I get to march in the mud.
"Why are you just sitting there?" I slapped down more work from the General on Zack's desk, and he shot the folder a look of vague disgust.
"Why am I sitting here?" Zack repeated, shifting his foot on his desk a bit, making the folder slide a bit closer to the bin on the edge of his work place. "Well that is a simple question to answer. See dear, this is my office." He waved both hands around. "If my office I have a desk and desks normally come with chairs, right? My desk. My chair. A chair just screams SIT ON ME. PLACE YOUR ASS HERE." I raised an eyebrow, and Zack grinned widely.
"And you have all this paperwork just sitting here…why?" Zack grinned again, this time stretched in a way where I could see just about every muscle on his arms and chest.
"I have a simple reason for that too. See this area, on my desk? Let me give you a saying to help explain this space. 'A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...'" trailing off, Zack did his giggle/chuckle and fixed the pile of papers on his desk again, placing them neatly in the box labeled 'IN' then placed both elbows on his desk, lacing his fingers together. "What can I do for you, Cloudy?"
"Your work." I deadpanned, and Zack grinned at me.
"But what's the fun in that darling?"
The bin labeled 'IN' was near empty.
The bin labeled 'OUT' was over flowing.
I blinked rapidly, and then turned back to my boyfriend, who had yet to say a word to me since I entered the room.
"Zack." I said. "Zack. Zack. Zack. Zack."
And no response.
I narrowed my eyes, and then slammed both hands onto the desk.
"Zachariah Karmichealan Nathanial Sinclair-Fair! Stop ignoring me!"
Karmichealan. Car-mich-elen. I love that name. If I could have a child I'd name them that.
On the other hand, Zack hates his middle name with a passion that rivals his love of sex. His name according to ShinRa is Zackary Nathanial Fair. But I know better.
And just like I thought would happen, a full body jolt ran through Zack's body, and his face darted up, eyes wide while they stared at me for roughly five seconds before he instinctively said what he always says:
"Don't call me that!"
"Then tell me why you haven't said a word to me since I walked in here." I demanded, and Zack narrowed his eyes, brushing his hair out of his face while he turned back to his paperwork.
"I'm sorry Cloud, but I'm busy."
"Bullshit." I snapped out. "What is so important to you now that after a full year into our relationship this is the first time you ignore me after all the time's I've come to visit you?"
It was strange, but a vague ill formed knot of hurt was in the middle of my chest.
I never realized how much I actually enjoyed his attention. Even a "wait a moment" would have made me happy. But this time, nothing.
Zack's eyes darted up to look at me, but then turned back to his work, and I felt my spine stiffen while my eyes narrowed.
Fine. He thinks he can just ignore me? Let's see if he can keep it up.
"Think you can keep on doing your work and pretending like I'm not here, huh?" I looked over his work, noting but not actually reading the many lines of numbers and scribbled words in his hasty I'm-Thinking-And-Not-Trying-To-Make-This-Pretty-OR-Legible handwriting.
"Your handwriting looks like a Chocobo's scratch after it ate crack laced Krakka and Pahsana Greens." I commented, and Zack snorted once. "Your math also makes no sense. Then again your brain normally never travels in a straight line; more like spasming squiggles no one could ever keep up even on a bad day while brain dead."
Zack vibrated with suppressed laughter for a few moments, and I raised an eyebrow.
"As a matter of fact, are you sure you're not just scribbling on a piece of paper and trying to make it look important? I'm sure if it were possible, and I turned your brains into gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to run an ant's go-kart around the inside of a donut."
Zack sputtered out a laugh and I smirked once, and then continued. "You should really stop thinking so hard." I paused, tilting my head a bit while Zack bent down over the paper again, scribbling down more numbers. "Really, you should. Preferably before you kill off those ten brain cells you managed to save. I mean rolling up the Chocobo's crack laced Krakka and Pahsana Greens was a bad bad idea." I paused, watching Zack sniggered.
"Then again. The idea of smoking Chocobo Greens as a whole is just strange. Have you done it before and lost some brain cells before I met you? That would explain so much."
Zack smacked a hand over his mouth, letting out a wheeze while his pen made a sporadic line across the page. I looked down at it smugly.
"That's no good no more." I said while crossing my arms. "Are you paying attention to me now?"
Zack looked up at me, then back down to the page with a line of blue across its front. "No."
I raised an eyebrow. "What is so important that you have become obsequious?" I said absentmindedly, and purple grey eyes shot up to me for a second, then back down to the page. "Obsequious." I said again. "Bootlicker. Brownnosing. Suck up. Yes man, butt leach, apple polisher also known as a teacher's pet. But that one isn't much fun as the others." Zack shot me a look at that, eyes a little wider. "Don't wanna tell me? Fine then. I'll just continue to be obfuscating." I took the 'OUT' Bin and dropped on the floor, plopping my ass where it was.
"You be obdurate and I'll be discombobulating." I dropped a hand onto his desk and messed with the papers, slipping one from underneath the blue lined masterpiece. "When did you leave this morning anyway? You look like you didn't even do anything with that black mop of yours. Did'ya wet it again and forget to comb it through before it dried?"
I chuckled as Zack combed his fingers through his hair, the digits getting stuck about halfway through.
No wonder he had his hand buried behind his ear. That's as far as it gets.
"You know better than that. Without combing it down first your hair is so fucking spiky you could poke someone's eye out." Zack snorted. "And it's so damn thick now I'm would not be surprised if you tried to comb it through now, you hair would swallow the comb whole." Zack snorted again, pressing a hand to his face. "Then it'll take you a good month to find it again, longer if you forget to do it like you like to do other things." I sat back, eyeing his head.
"Puts a whole new meaning to 'finding a needle in a haystack.'" I said dryly, and then blinked; pulling out the reason I came up here in the first place.
Zack while in his morning training took a slice across his back. When I heard I grabbed my kit and came up here to sew it back up for the day so he isn't showing a strip of flesh while he wonders the grounds like he loves to do.
Sewing kit in hand I opened it up and pulled out one of the larger needles, closing the kit with a snap and waved the needle a bit, pointy end pointed at him.
"Can I try? Your skull's thicker than this needle so there's no chance of hurting you." Zack looked up with a blink stare, and caught sight of which needle I held. "Yes before you ask that is an insult."
Zack merely watched the needle for a bit then looked back at the papers, and I sighed. Where to put this…
I grabbed a discarded gummy bear and stabbed it with the needle, pinning its dark red body onto Zack's wooden figure of a tree. He used it to put sticky notes everywhere like multicolored leaves, so why not?
Grinning a bit, I opened my kit again, pulling another needle out.
"Then again, if I manage to actually hit your skull maybe your head's so full of air, it might go pop like a balloon." I mimed hitting something with the needle in my hand, then the outward explosion. "In any case it'll deflate your ego somewhat." I stuck the bear with the needle, hitting its left arm. "All puns intended." I added on, and Zack snorted.
"I just compared your brain to a balloon. That would be a very hairy balloon, huh? Well. I guess your head's making up for the lack of hair anywhere else on ya."
Zack froze. I smirked to myself, pinning the bear with another needle, this time its right arm.
"No manscaping for you~" I sang out, and threaded a bit of red thread into the third needle. "Then again, a Brazilian wax looks painful." I shot the still frozen Zack a look and jabbed the bear in the chest with the needle, and then tied a fourth needle to the third with the blood red thread. "You'd probably scream like a girl." Zack did a slow blink, and I stabbed the fourth needle into the bear's groin area. "'Specially if you had to wax your dick." Zack shuddered.
"People wonder about that you know. Do you shave? How much do you shave? Is the Buster Sword a compensation for anything?" I leaned forward, looking down to the still frozen Zack's crotch. "Are you overcompensating for something?" I shrugged and sat back upright, grabbing another needle. I'm running out. Man. Maybe I could use a pen and draw stuff on it next. "I really don't understand why you would be compensating for anything. Even if you are, I think Sephiroth's is bigger." I shifted a bit, raising a hand to rub my chin. "Are you trying to have the bigger 'sword'? You don't." I told him bluntly. "Two and a half meters versus a sword two inches taller than me. Which one is taller? Me or the Masamune?"
Zack blinked slowly and looked at me, before cupping his forehead in his free hand, sighing deeply.
I looked at him for a bit, then took my needle and stabbed his shoulder. Zack jumped, jerking up right to look at me. "Pay attention to me when I'm talking to you." I told him sternly, holding the needle to look at the tip. Is that blood?
Woot!
Knowing Zack's looking right at me, I stuck the needle into my mouth, licking it clean, and then stuck the bear in the forehead.
…His blood is too tasty to waste it on a nasty bear.
I pulled another needle out and made to stab him again, but Zack jerked out of the way, jumping to his feet. I pouted at him, watching as he walked around his desk and bent over, grabbing onto his 'OUT' bin.
Grinning a bit, I reached over and locked onto my target, stabbing the needle home.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" Zack screeched, one hand slapping onto his ass. He spun about to stare at me while the bin tumbled from his lax hold. "Cloud!" he started. "Did you just stab my ass?" he said incredulously. I grinned at him and nodded once. Zack merely stared at me for a few more moments. "You got my birthmark." He told me, shoulders slumped.
"I know." I said, and he blinked, purple grey eyes going wide. "Of course I know! It's your ass!" he blinked.
"Why aren't you being obstreperous?" I asked, humming a bit. "You're being so reticent all of a sudden, which is so uncharacteristic of you. It's like you not doing your squats while you not-think." I tilted my head a bit.
After watching him turn his brain on and work, the times where he freezes in place and squats while 'working on a math problem' I dubbed his not-thinking.
I focused my eyes back on the wood tree, and my voodoo bear. Where to stab it now?
"What are the squats for anyway?" I paused then stuck a needle into the bear's asshole. "Then again, they do focus on "the thighs, hips and buttocks, hamstrings, as well as strengthening the bones, ligaments and insertion of the tendons throughout the lower body." And yes that is a quote from a book."
"You memorized that?" Zack said sarcastically, and I grinned. "Looks like there's more space in that oh-so fluffy Chocobo head of yours than I thought."
I reached around him and pulled the needle free – "ouch!" – and stuck it in my mouth, smirking around it. "And finally the lady speaks! Be-still my beating heart, be-still so I hear her diamond rare words!"
Zack snorted and rolled his eyes, smirking at me. "Why did you come here anyway?"
"Why were you ignoring me?" I shot back, closing my kit with a snap and narrowed eyes. Zack looked up, but didn't answer, and I frowned. "Zack. Why were you ignoring me?"
"Because I told him I'd do something for him if he finished all his paperwork." The General's voice echoed behind me and I turned to the door, raising an eyebrow. "And I must say, I thought you much more meek than this, Strife." I flushed, and then turned back to Zack.
"And you couldn't tell me that, why?" I snapped.
Zack flushed a bit. "I wanted it to be a surprise. I wanted us to get the weekend off together." I raised an eyebrow. "And why did you come up here?"
I lifted a finger and twirled it in the air. After a few blinks Zack obediently spun about, and I grabbed onto his shirt sticking my finger into the blood crusted gash in the cloth.
"I came to fix your shirt, you idiot." I told him affectionately. "Like I always do after you manage to get sliced up during practice. You should have known I was coming, you dipshit."
"Did something happen recently that I don't know about?" Zack whined, and I jabbed the still tender flesh on his back.
"He normally is much more timid than this." The General said – no it wasn't a question; the General doesn't ask questions, duh – and I jabbed Zack again.
"Dammit Cloud!" Zack snapped out. "Did something crawl up your ass when I wasn't looking?"
I smirked. "Well it obviously wasn't you."
At that Zack spun around and stared at me. I merely smiled at him, blood stained needle still in my mouth.
"Let's just say this." I said, patting Zack's chest like a mother would her child's head. "This is what you get for not paying attention to me while you had the chance."
Obsequious- Obvious
Obdurate- very stubborn
Discombobulating- confusing
Obstreperous- defiantly boisterous
Reticent- quiet