AN OMG You guys are just so.. ugh just so awesome that I can't even begin to put it into words. I love you all and your words of encouragement and your ideas mean so much to me. This is a short chapter, very short, but with good reason. I originally had it on the last chapter, but then decided it stood better alone. The next part of the story will take awhile to churn out because I've only framed it and have yet to write any of it. This is the end of part one, so next time you get an update, there will be a whole lot of Kakashi. Okay. I'm done talking.

Please R&R xoxo

I love you, but I'm not myself.

Coyote Theory "Vibe"

IV.

Sakura was just on the verge of sleep when she'd heard the front door slam shut with such force, she was certain the frame would need to be replaced. Sitting up on her elbows, she watched curiously as Kakashi appeared in the doorway. He didn't look at her, but Sakura could see the tension in his muscles, the fury that radiated from him in large, noxious waves. He shrugged out of his vest, obviously using everything in him to not hurl the suddenly offensive article of clothing into the wall.

Every careful, trembling movement he made spoke volumes of his self-control, because if his mood was strong enough that Sakura was picking up on it without trying, then that could only mean something terrible had happened at his meeting with Tsunade.

He disappeared into the closet for nearly ten minutes before reappearing in a pair of sweatpants and a tank-top. He was wearing his mask to bed, something he hadn't done since she'd seen his face for the first time a few months ago.

Onyx orbs swept past her, blind to her presence, and he settled himself between the blankets, a foot of space between them.

"If you were just planning to ignore me, why not go back to your apartment?" She asked with genuine curiosity and concern, although anger was only a few more minutes away.

His eyes, which had been staring blankly at the ceiling, closed tightly, pinching his eyebrows together and deepening the faint lines on his face. It seemed like answering her physically pained him. "I have a solo mission."

Sakura wasn't sure if his response was meant to answer her question or direct her attention away from the question, so she tried to act natural and curled up next to him, resting her head on his stiff shoulder.

"Is it going to be hard?"

He choked suddenly in surprise, as if she'd just made the most inappropriate comment imaginable. "It won't be difficult to carry out, no."

"I don't understand. Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is that I don't want to take it. They are forcing me to."

She hummed in response, pressing a hand to his chest and sending warm tendrils of healing chakra to coil through his muscles until he was sufficiently relaxed. Slowly, he snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her on top of him. She lazily complied, settling her knees on either side of his waist and bending down so that she could see his eyes properly.

His mask was a way to conceal his emotions, but Sakura had memorized each one he hadn't bothered to hide from her in the past. She recognized this one immediately by the shape of his eyebrows and the small wrinkle in his forehead. It was despair.

"Kakashi.. I love you." She said suddenly, surprising even herself. His expression softened, momentarily smoothing the worry-lines that marred his handsome face before immense sadness began to flood his features.

She could practically hear the words that went unspoken, and for a moment she was sure that he was projecting his voice into her head and screaming them. I know you do. That's what makes this so difficult.

"I love you too, Sakura."

。。。

"I think she's dead."

"Dobe."

"For a Hokage, you aren't particularly bright, Naruto-sama."

"The Hokage is chosen because of strength, Sai. Not intellect. Let us not forget that."

"Teme! You know that's not true!"

"Hn."

What on earth is going on?

Then she remembered. Like a shot, Sakura sat up straight, narrowly avoiding Naruto's forehead. "Kakashi!"

"Oh no. She has amnesia."

Naruto smacked Sai on the back of the head. "Social cues, you idiot!"

She was on her dining room floor and must have missed their monthly spar. "No no no no. He was here. He was here. He left a note."

The three men stared at her, each displaying varying degrees of confusion and pity.

Sakura's eyes fell to her hand. She'd just been holding the note, hadn't she? It was gone. Instead, her fingertips bore angry, red blisters and her palm was smeared black with the ashes of the note's remains. He'd written it on a timed, low level exploding tag.

"What time is it?" She asked no one in particular, her viridian gaze focused on her hand.

Naruto was the first to speak. "It's like 7 o'clock. There was a freak rainstorm this morning, so we thought you bailed because you were too hungover to spar in the rain, but then Sai was all 'Sakura doesn't get hangovers and she loves sparring in the rain' because apparently Sai stalks you. And we were going to come over earlier, but we ran into Ino and Shikamaru and Chouji having barbecue, so-"

"Please stop talking." Sakura interrupted. "All of you get out, please."

Naruto wanted to argue, but Sasuke clearly knew a storm was coming and grabbed Naruto by the arm, Sai following suit until they managed to successfully drag him from the apartment.

She'd been out for nearly an entire day. How did he do it? Was the paper laced with drugs?

She lifted her fingers to her nose and smelled them before taking a quick taste to confirm her suspicions.

No one was going to believe her. Damn, he's good. Forget what Junko said. Her father is very clever.

Father. Kakashi had a daughter. While he was with Sakura, he'd gotten someone pregnant. But that was not reason enough to abandon the village. What was she missing?

Sakura didn't bother changing out of her training shorts and favorite sweater. She stood on stiff legs and marched herself into a pair of shoes before bounding out the door.

She needed answers, and she needed them now.

When Sakura finally made it to Tsunade's office at the hospital (which was not unlike her office had been while she was the Hokage) she idly wondered of maybe she should have at least looked in the mirror before leaving the house.

Tsunade's perfectly shaped eyebrows rose slightly as she took in Sakura's appearance. "What do you want?"

Sakura took a deep breath and detached herself from the situation for optimum results. Tsunade would respond more aptly if she believed Sakura was so distraught over Kakashi, that she had resorted to completely switching off her emotions. It wasn't uncommon, but it wasn't easy to do consciously. And those who did truly so on their own accord, very often couldn't reverse the process.

"Tsunade-shishou. I need to know what happened to Kakashi." Her voice was even, and Sakura made sure to unfocus her gaze. "If you want, you can have my memory erased. I'll even make a written statement saying that I understand what you've done and that I accept the need for a memory altering jutsu."

"And what would that solve?" She was trying to appear bored, but Sakura didn't miss the worry that darkened her eyes, or the intrigue that pitched her voice a note too high.

"I like to think that if I could get peace of mind, even if it is only for a little while, then maybe it can help me accept that he's really gone and there's nothing I can do."

Tsunade didn't need to know what Sakura had concluded on her way to the hospital.

Contrary to popular belief, it was impossible to erase a memory because different aspects of one memory were stored all over the brain. Usually, the shinobi in charge of the procedure would first determine which of the five senses was most prominent in the memory, then use a jutsu to seal it away.

People like Ino could plow through those barriers with a specialized kekkai genkai. Obviously Sakura didn't have that blood-born ability.

However, and although this was only a theory, Sakura was sure if she could use her chakra to put a thin, microscopic barrier around the different parts of the memory before anyone could alter or hide it, then she could use the remaining components that were not sealed away to break down the wall of the one that was.

There was also a good chance she would end up brain-dead.

"No."

Sakura started and looked at her mentor disbelievingly. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me, Sakura."

"Why not?"

Tsunade sighed sadly, shaking her head. "Because I don't trust you anymore, Sakura. And it breaks my heart to say it aloud."

Sakura's heartbeat quickened at the admission, causing adrenaline to surge through her bloodstream like liquid ice. The careful control she'd had over her body was slowly coming undone stitch by stitch, and had been for months.

Then it hit her all at once. Every repressed emotion burst forth in a painful torrent. She had sealed away the parts of herself that gave her humanity. And of course she had. How else could she have selfishly chased after something the way she had been doing? It would have been impossible to live the way she had with the weight of her decisions bearing down on her constantly.

How many of her relationships were hanging on by a thread? How much of herself had she sacrificed? How many times had her actions kept her loved ones up at night, sick with worry and self-loathing for being unable to help her?

The cold reality washed over her, saturating her thoughts and leaving a bitter taste of regret in her mouth.

"I used to be happy." Sakura realized quietly.

Tsunade had stood up at some point and was now wrapping her arms around the younger kunoichi, gently stroking her hair as warm tears began to fall onto her bosom.

"I will say this, Sakura." Tsunade said, her voice taking on a maternal tone that Sakura had never heard before. "Kakashi was given a mission once that he couldn't refuse. He was furious with me, but my hands were tied by the Council. Neither of us had known the full extent of what we were getting him into until much later. By then, it was too late. I'm bound by an unbreakable oath to say anymore."

Sakura pulled away and wiped her eyes, a hollow laugh dying in her throat. "I should have just gone to Naruto. He's so much easier to manipulate."

Tsunade chuckled. "That's what you get for trying to go through me."

"Thank you, Tsunade."

Sakura returned to her apartment in a haze. She was so ashamed of letting herself fall into such a state. What was worse, she now understood the full extent of what she had become, but still the unbridled need to find Kakashi was even stronger than before, except now Sakura wasn't so sure she was going to act on it.

Sakura had experienced clarity and she felt free.

It was in that freedom, that moment of blissfully unburdened acceptance that left her mind as clean and clear as fresh water when she finally remembered who it was Junko favored.

A woman, someone from Kakashi's distant past, that Sakura had only met briefly, flashed through her mind. Although Kakashi had told his pupils that she had died an honorable ninja, taking her own life, there was no denying the resemblance.

Junko was almost a perfect copy of the woman, only her hair was a shade brighter and she had Kakashi's dark charcoal irises.

Sakura struggled to put a name to the face, questioning whether or not she was doing exactly as Ino had accused, finding significance where there was none. A name she'd not heard in over ten years was piecing itself together. Then it came to her, and with it, her image sharpened vividly, leaving no more room for doubt.

Hanare.