Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love.
- "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple
Part Four: Baby
After that day when Darcy cried and Bucky hugged her to his chest, something changed between them. There was a lightness to their relationship, on and off screen. Bucky became someone he didn't expect; an actor whose role was preferable over his personal life. It had always been the opposite in other movies. He couldn't wait to get out of his costume and into someone's bed because his work was mind-numbingly dull.
He and Darcy moved onto the second phase of the shoot. These were the present years, the ones where they were married with a baby. Stephen chose a pair of twins to be their baby Lily. The twins did not resemble either Bucky or Darcy that well but at least the babies looked like each other and were swapped back and forth with little to no issues.
"Can I do the slate?" Darcy asked one morning.
She sat up from her lying position in their double bed, the one that was meant to be Jack and Natalie's old mattress with mismatched bedding. Bucky had one arm across her middle that she slipped out from under, kneeling forward to reach the slate someone passed her.
Bucky glanced at her rear end, seeing the small pair of black underwear she wore. She had a heart-shaped ass and it wasn't the first time he'd noticed it, but it was the first time that he felt the urge to reach out and touch the soft white skin of her generous cheeks. The realization that he wanted to touch her had him readjusting himself under the sheet and looking at the ceiling as he waited.
Luckily his cock stayed unimpressed in his boxer briefs. He felt Linda's hand in his hair, adjusting the bedhead she'd achieved in the makeup trailer an hour ago.
The thought of what Darcy said the other week – I'm glad I'm married to you – for the umpteenth time. In the moment, he replied, "Is the bar really that low?" and Darcy just shook her head at him.
Bucky heard the snap of the slate and Darcy passed it back to someone, lying down on her side next to Bucky, his arm returning to her middle.
When Strange called action, Bucky pressed up against Darcy and kissed the back of her neck, nuzzling her. She smelt good. He tried not to think about how her ass felt against his crotch.
"Go check on her," Darcy murmured, referring to the baby.
"In a second," he replied against her neck.
"Daddy, go check on your baby," she said, but she lay still as he kept kissing her.
They repeated the exchange a few times at Strange's request. Bucky liked the fantasy of being beside a beautiful woman with their baby in the next room. It was a fantasy because he knew it was nearly impossible for him to follow through with commitment. Fatherhood was probably something he shouldn't pursue. The kid would have some kind of complex by having a famous dad, but Bucky was not fit for raising a child. He knew he was still a child in a lot of ways. The industry did not encourage actors to grow, in fact Bucky often saw regression in other men.
He'd pretended to be a father in several movies, but none of those roles required the dedication of this one. He spent so little time with his pretend children in other movies. Strange had hours of footage of Darcy and Bucky playing with their daughter Lily.
Strange had a myriad of scenes in general. Probably hundreds of hours that he'd need to get through for editing. Since the bizarre phone call Bucky had with his director, Strange became somehow more devoted than ever to the process. He was meant to be the editor. After a relatively easy day of playing with the twins on screen, Strange caught Darcy and Bucky in the makeup trailer.
Darcy was in the middle of removing her makeup with a balm she warmed between her fingers. Bucky's was an easier process. He just had to change a shirt. He had a cigarette between his lips as he pulled his jacket back on when Strange ducked inside.
"You guys got plans tonight?" he asked, and Bucky glanced at Darcy, who'd turned in her chair.
"No," she said, and Bucky shook his head. "What's up?"
Strange's hair has become increasingly untidy as the day progressed. Usually by the end of each day he'd be rabid to leave to edit for the night, his various staff following him out before Bucky had a chance to say goodbye.
"You both need to see some of the dailies," Strange said. He looked at Bucky. "You only saw the early ones. These ones are essential."
"Why?" Bucky said, cigarette bobbing.
"Atmospheric… reasons," Strange said, sounding annoyed. "Consistency. Vibes."
"He wants you to pick a word," Darcy said to Bucky, eyebrows hiking.
She turned in her chair to grab her towel and pat at her scrubbed face. She was completely bare and pink from rubbing.
"Vibes, then," Bucky grunted, because he knew that would piss Strange off a little bit. "You're worried about vibes."
Strange narrowed his eyes just slightly before sighing. "Dinner at my place? I need a verbal confirmation before the union comes after me."
"Yes," Darcy and Bucky said together.
Bucky drove alone to Strange's bungalow. It took over an hour to get there because of traffic and Bucky made his way through several cigarettes, wishing he was quicker than Stephen to ask Darcy if she wanted to leave the set with him.
As he pulled up at Stephen's place, Darcy was waiting for him, a black cat in her arms as she smiled at him from the open doorway.
Bucky smiled at her as he walked up the steps to the front door.
"This is Zero," Darcy said, meaning the cat. "Say hello, Zero."
Bucky scratched Zero behind the ears and the creature began to purr. Strange must have been somewhere inside. Bucky came in after Darcy, seeing her move through the house with such ease he had to wonder how many times she'd been there.
Bucky had only been there once before, when he came to meet Strange for the first time. Their director came into view as Darcy led them through to the living room, Zero still purring in her arms as they walked.
"There he is," Strange said. He sat on one of the plush sofas in front of the mammoth television screen that took up most of the room, and the entire back wall.
"I ordered pizza on the way here," Darcy said, placing Zero next to Strange. She turned toward Bucky expectantly. "You want a drink?"
"Beer, please," Bucky said, and Darcy grinned.
She was too nice. It wasn't meant to be that easy to get along with him, but she made it natural. Bucky just went along with it on camera, and any chemistry that was between them was to Darcy's credit alone.
"You speed to get here before me?" Bucky asked as Darcy took off down the hallway to retrieve their drinks. He remembered Strange having a butler of some kind and wondered if they had the night off.
"Nope. Maybe you just drive slow," Strange retorted. Zero jumped on the back of the couch and walked across it to rub his face against Strange's head.
Bucky sat down on one of the other couches and chose not to reply to the jab. It was better to ignore Strange when he was kind of an asshole.
Bucky checked his phone to see he had a new text message from Steve.
Can you call me sometime?
Bucky was tempted to reply with just the words I could but instead put his phone away. He'd rather not think about Steve worrying about him from thousands of miles away. Rachel was all over the news still with her impending nuptials and people were occasionally asking Bucky's publicist for a quote but he usually never publicly acknowledged his girlfriends, ex ones or otherwise.
When Darcy finally returned she had a tray with a teapot on it with an empty teacup. Her beer was next to Bucky's, which he took when she handed it to him.
Darcy put the tray down and proceeded to pour Strange a cup of tea. She left them for something again, coming back with a little jug of milk and a sugar bowl.
"I can't remember, is it -?" she began, and Strange smiled at her.
"Two," he replied, and Bucky felt his stomach twist.
He looked away, staring at the screen in front of them while Darcy fixed the cup of tea with two sugars and a splash of creamer. She handed the teacup to Strange and sat down beside Bucky, sipping at her beer.
"What are we watching?" she asked, and Strange put down his tea after a careful sip.
He picked up several remotes, syncing something to a caster before footage from the week popped up on the screen in front of them.
"I'm slating!" yelled Darcy, holding a slate and snapping it over and over. She was giddy and jumping up and down with Bucky smiling behind her in the background, watching her play it up for the camera.
"Take – eighty something! Snap! Hi, Stephen!" she yelled.
Bucky smiled as they watched the dailies because when Darcy broke character she usually cut the tension by making a face and yelling.
"Shit fuckin' shit," was one blooper from Bucky, who'd managed to knock a photo frame over when moving through the set. He'd never sounded less eloquent but Darcy smiled at him.
Stephen wasn't paying attention so much to their mistakes, skipping through to another day on a couch in the set's living room where both Bucky and Darcy were nude from the waist up, kissing. Seeing the rough footage of one of their sex scenes was jarring and Bucky blinked at it, chugging his beer.
He remembered that day he could smell Darcy's armpits. It was a certain musky scent that made him want to cuddle her closer. It probably caused the intense staring from him that day he could see on the screen now. He just looked so serious while simulating their dry humping. Minutes later, there was footage of Darcy pulling down Bucky's boxers before sitting down on him again.
When they filmed that part it felt very unsexy, but watching it on the giant screen did something else for Bucky. Darcy's wide eyes were believable. Seeing their bare hips together like that made Bucky stare a little longer than probably necessary, but there wasn't anywhere else to look.
"We can't constantly have it like this," Strange said over the loud panting that could be heard. He waved at the screen. "It's too good."
Darcy snorted. "We're making the sex look too good?"
"Yeah," Strange replied. "It's not like that."
"It can be," Bucky said, hoping he didn't sound too defiant. His eyes met Darcy's and he blinked. "Or does Jack suddenly have to be a terrible lay?"
Darcy made a face. "Can we at least cut down on these scenes? My hips are killing me."
"Go to a physical therapist," Strange snapped, until Darcy gave him a long look and he sighed. "Fine. But the sex can't be like this every time. It needs to be true to life."
Darcy began to laugh, louder than Bucky expected.
"I don't know about you, but I like to do it like that," she said, after her mirth subsided. "It's beautiful. It's… very real to me. At least up there."
"It's all people will talk about," Strange said. "The plot will be the second or third thing, after…"
He gave Bucky a wave.
"Hey, who wrote that I was completely nude?" Bucky snapped, only to have Darcy laughing beside him again.
Strange put his face in his hands while the footage on the screen kept going. There was one take that ended with Darcy laughing breathlessly chest to chest with Bucky. That was after Strange had called cut. Bucky couldn't remember what he said or did to make her laugh like that but he wished he did.
"I just want something different. I want something that transports an audience. Something so immersive it feels real," Strange said, glancing from Bucky to Darcy. "You understand what I'm trying to say?"
"We have arguments to film. That whole scene in the supermarket next week –" Darcy began, but Strange shot up from his seat, making Zero jump.
"Wait, shut up!" he said. He pointed at them both. "I have an assignment."
"What is it?" Bucky asked.
A part of him dreaded whatever idea Strange had. He heard of movies resorting to using unsimulated sexual acts for footage, and he had to refuse if it came to that. He knew he didn't have it in him to do that scene on camera, knowing it was meant to be seen by an audience. It was different when he'd made a sex tape when he was around twenty-one and barely making ends meet. That girlfriend threw him out after he cheated on her, and all footage of their tryst was destroyed. Bucky made sure of that.
He got nude pictures from girls still but that was different. He never, ever sent nudes. He would plead stage fright when really he knew it was all too easy to leak something like that. He might use pills but he never did something as stupid as that. He didn't think it was smart for any guy to send a picture of his dick, anyway. He figured once a girl saw one she'd basically seen them all. And girls didn't ask, usually. If they asked Bucky backed off immediately, wondering if it was their plan all along.
He had to laugh at the absurdity of it all, pretending to have sex with Darcy for hours on end. Her hips were hurting from a non-sexual sexual injury. He passed a hand over his face as Stephen explained.
"Go do boring shit together."
"Like… do our taxes?" Darcy asked, though they knew she was joking. Bucky had an accountant, anyway. He had no idea how much he paid in taxes and he supposed he should, but it was another thing he pushed aside. His accountant could be embezzling and he'd never know.
"I mean," Strange said, going back to his tea and taking a couple sips. "Grocery shopping. Building IKEA furniture. Cooking – fucking something that would usually require a team effort other than sex."
"Gee, Stephen," Darcy said, making a show of shrugging. "I just wouldn't have a clue, with all my maids, assistants, stylists… I don't think I'd know how to do any of that."
"Me, neither," Bucky grunted, and Darcy shot him a wink.
Strange ignored them, pushing on.
"I am challenging you to do this sometimes soon. A real moment between you, in-character, where people can see you."
Darcy stopped smiling, glancing at Bucky once more.
"I can push a cart," Bucky said with a shrug.
Bucky was aware of the fact that Darcy was making fun of the Hollywood types that had everything done for them, and he was one of them. Close to everything he had he didn't deserve, but he got it because he asked for it, and he didn't even have to ask nicely.
His maid who cleaned up after him and washed all his clothes. He was a man in his thirties living like he was a child with zero consequences. He smoked like a chimney. He had pill bottles all over his condo all in his name, and not because he needed them all, he just knew multiple doctors. He had companies sending him clothes so he never had to shop, which he wouldn't do anyway without a stylist to plan most of it for him. He never mowed his lawn, and he had no idea who did that for him but his garden was always immaculate.
He never even plucked a leaf out of his little pool out back. He only floated in it.
From what he learned about Darcy she was distinctly anti-L.A. The one time he Googled her, the Wikipedia page that came up was so sparse under the Personal Life section. It just mentioned that she was Jewish and where she grew up – Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania – and nothing about men, women or anybody else who might be in her life. The Career section was a plethora of information by comparison.
Bucky never Googled himself because it made him feel all types of weird but he knew Steve was more inclined to keep up with gossip. When he finally called him one night after work he was able to gauge more information about Darcy without having to ask her too many creepy questions to her face.
If she wasn't Darcy, Bucky would have just come out and asked. He didn't like that there were now two categories of girls in Bucky's life – Darcy and the others.
"Her last boyfriend was some AD named Ian something. I went down this rabbit hole once you told me you were doin' the movie with her," Steve said.
Bucky was in the middle of his dinner on the couch, shoving fries in his mouth.
"How long were they together?" he asked with his mouth full.
"Eight years, I think," Steve said.
Jesus. Eight whole years? Bucky's longest he managed was two, and they weren't all that good anyway. So much screaming, but not from his side of it.
"What happened?" Bucky wondered aloud.
"Why don't you ask her?" Steve retorted, making Bucky roll his eyes.
"Doesn't work that way, punk."
"Just be honest with her, tell her you want to –"
"What? Tell her what?" Bucky snapped. He flicked crumbs onto the floor.
Steve let out sigh. "Doesn't matter."
When he hung up later, Bucky felt worse than before. He hoped Steve would ground him but he just pointed out how different things could be if Bucky wasn't so… him.
He thought about watching porn but he didn't think he could handle how pathetic he'd feel after rubbing one out, so he went to his bathroom cabinet and found his Adderall.
He didn't need it. Most people prescribed it in Hollywood didn't need it but Bucky knew a guy who knew a guy whose doctor dolled it out like candy and Bucky wanted to stop being sober fast so he took one instead of half and slammed his cabinet shut, catching his reflexion.
He remembered he was meant to be spending the next day with Darcy and he glared at his own face, hating that he was always such a fucking coward.
He sped off into the night, hoping to be let down by some stranger in a bar because then it wouldn't hurt as much, but he ended up at some strip club without hesitating.
He couldn't remember the drive and could feel things were different. He needed to sit down somewhere or he might start bouncing on the balls of his feet.
The strip club was called Laguna something – the sign was always broken and he never made out the words. He hadn't been there in months but he was high, and seeing something beautiful seemed like a good idea.
The bouncer's eyebrows rose at him and he smiled, letting him in. Being recognized there wasn't the worst thing. It meant he didn't have to ask for a dance. The girls flocked as he sat at the bar, hastily ordering a bottle of bourbon.
Soft hands on his arms and he turned his head to see a blonde and a redhead grinning at him, both of them hopeful.
"Hey, beautiful," he said to the blonde, and the redhead moved away with her smile faltering.
The dancer just smiled back at him. "You want to get a room?"
She linked his arm with hers and they walked out to one of the VIP rooms in the back. It went so quickly but Bucky remembered the Adderall. Why didn't he think of it sooner? He could feel like this forever if he rationed the pills carefully. He'd be able to ignore his guts twisting so much. He could make Darcy laugh again, her tits pressed up against his bare chest.
Darcy. Darcy. No – he was there with this dancer. She said her name was Jen. Her hair looked too shiny – she had to be wearing a wig. When she sat him on the couch with his bottle she stared up at her in awe, seeing her costume under the lights.
She did a little turn around the pole, smiling back at him. Her bikini was covered in rhinestones and Bucky ached to touch. His dick was hard already. Jen was so flexible, twisting and turning her little frame against the pole. She slid down it, hips rolling.
Bucky licked his lips and she began to laugh.
"Damn, I am so lucky," she said, her voice almost entirely drowned out by the music. "You walking in here tonight. Big handsome movie star."
"I'm not really," he replied, as she was suddenly upside down, sliding down the pole, her wig lopsided. "He's just a guy I play."
She righted herself, pulling one strap of her bikini top down her shoulder and then the other.
"You mean you play a character."
"I play both," he said. "Bucky Barnes, too."
He said it because it was true. Steve was right, he just needed to be honest. Jesus. Steve. He loved Steve so much, but he lived so far away. He hadn't seen him since the Christmas before last.
Jen was topless and moving to the music, still smiling.
Bucky remembered he needed to reward her and fished out his wallet, finding some money. He didn't even count it, just moved closer to slip it between her bikini bottoms and her hip.
"Thank you, baby," she murmured, and he smiled up at her.
He pointed at her wig. "You brunette under there?"
"Yeah," she said.
"Take it off," he said. He didn't say please, just handed her more money.
Her tits bounced a little as she laughed. She obliged, taking the wig off along with the cap underneath. She tossed her head back, teasing her long brown hair with one hand, the other still on the pole.
She did more turns. She was like an acrobat, a sexy little acrobat with a big smile and Bucky just stared and stared at her while the music pumped.
Bucky bit his lip as she pulled down her bottoms and kicked them aside. She giggled at him, bug-eyed Bucky flying high as a kite.
He laughed at her. "Fuck. I just wanna –"
"What, baby?" she asked, teasing him with a little wiggle off her hips. "You want me?"
Other places would have a security guard beating down the door by now but Bucky chose this place because he knew it was one of the seedier clubs.
"Yeah."
Bucky wiped the sweat from his brow he hadn't noticed until now. Jen crouched, leaning toward him with her tits falling down.
When he kissed her, she didn't taste of anything. Bucky pushed his tongue into her mouth and she made a surprised sound at the force of him against her. He pulled her into his lap and they fell back against the couch.
When she moved back for air, Bucky froze. For a split second he saw Darcy, her big blue eyes hooded and glazed with lust. He blamed the Adderall, his hands falling away from Jen's body to ball into fists.
She didn't notice or chose not to, because she proceeded to go down on him. She worked him over in greedy sucks, causing Bucky to groan. He couldn't help it as a hand went to the back of her head to hold her in place.
He took no time at all to come, and when she stood up above him with her hand outstretched, he felt something split deep inside his chest.
"That's extra," she said, her voice less sweet. She'd just swallowed him up and her makeup was ruined, her hand insistent.
He handed her about a thousand dollars more before tucking himself back in his jeans and getting up. He swiped the liquor bottle and took off.
He knew he was a mess. He was out of control, 'mess' didn't even begin to cover what Bucky was. He drove all the way home, panic stricken by the time he reached his street. He was sweating so much his hands were slipping on the wheel.
He realized he'd left his jacket at the club but there was no way he was going back. He reached his living room again and went without a glass, taking a few steady gulps of bourbon to calm himself. He wished he could forget what just happened, but he knew no matter what he never would.
He didn't sleep for hours. Among the panic he considered briefly calling poison control, but soon he was throwing up in the kitchen sink. He was a teenage boy again, but his mom wasn't around to scold him.
He wore his darkest pair of sunglasses on his way to pick Darcy up. She lived half an hour away from him and the entire ride he kept trying to find the courage to call her and cancel, but by the time he figured out what to say to bail on her he was pulling up at her house.
He texted her that he was outside, hoping she wasn't going to make him come inside. She knew she lived with other people, and he wasn't up to meeting new people.
She skipped down the steps in a sundress, looking like a dream and Bucky felt that familiar flipping on his stomach at the sight of her. She opened the door and sat down beside him, inspecting him.
"You hungover, baby?" she asked.
Her words threw him for a moment, and he was back at the club with Jen before he remembered that they were meant to be in character and Natalie frequently used that pet name. She smiled at him, her hand going to touch his hair.
It felt so good that Bucky closed his eyes for a second behind his glasses.
"Yeah, me and Mike got a little hammered last night," he mumbled.
Darcy withdrew her hand, moving to buckle her seatbelt.
"You're telling me," she said, sighing. "You woke me up when you stumbled in this morning, stinking."
Could she smell it off of him or was she just making that part up? Bucky didn't dare clarify that, signalling to join the road once again.
They drove in silence until Darcy nudged Bucky and he looked down to see his wedding band from the set in the palm of her hand.
"Put it on," she said. "I like it. It's a sexy accessory."
Bucky did as he was told, and then Darcy copied him with her own fake little diamond ring.
Darcy played with the radio and talked about Lily, how she was starting to remember colors. Bucky tried to keep up but his head was pounding. After a while, Darcy let her sentences trail off and she sighed.
If she was about to tell him she was disappointed he wasn't trying harder Bucky wouldn't be surprised. She took his left hand in hers and squeezed it.
"You okay?"
He didn't know if it was her or Natalie talking.
"Yeah," Bucky said, hearing his voice was rough. "I mean, I always am."
He took his eyes off the road for a second to look at her properly and Darcy was staring back at him with a sad look on her face.
"I'm happy with you here, baby," he added, hoping she'd stop. His chest was starting to tighten too much for him to ignore. He changed the subject. "What do we need to pick up from the store?"
Darcy gave a small smile, her eyes still the same. "Lots. I made a list."
Once they pulled up at a supermarket, Bucky jumped out of the car instead of using the door since it was something Jack would do, taking Darcy's hand in his and pulling her along.
As they walked they adjusted so that Darcy could slip her arm around his waist, his arm over her shoulders. Everything about her was so soft but compact. He wasn't the tallest guy but Darcy was small. Small but curvy, but Bucky needed to stop letting his eyes run up and down her whenever she wasn't looking. It wasn't fair on either of them.
He liked the weight of her body against his, he always did. He missed her when she moved away to grab a cart, and he took it from her to push along. It turned out there was a list, but it was for Darcy's own kitchen. Bucky was more or less helping her do a weekly grocery shop, which he hadn't done for several years. He rarely ever set foot in places like this anyway.
People were staring, but it was early enough in the morning that there wasn't a crowd. Bucky tried his best to remember that the aim of the exercise was to be as real as possible. Jack would be easy-going about being in a store like this so Bucky needed to reflect that. He still didn't lower his sunglasses though. It was a half-hearted disguise at best but no-one looked like they wanted to approach them as they perused the aisles.
Darcy got tofu. Natalie would never eat tofu so she said, "chicken" as she dropped it into the cart. She got mac n' cheese and frozen berries and yogurt and seeds… the whole process seemed to happen around Bucky even though he was the one pushing the cart. Darcy would pluck something from out of nowhere and drop it into the cart. The packaging was rarely something Bucky recognized. His food showed up in Tupperware boxes, or lined up in his refrigerator or freezer.
Darcy gave a little sigh as they turned down another aisle, tucking her hair behind her ear as her eyes travelled up and down the shelves while she consulted her list.
"What are you staring at?" she murmured suddenly, and Bucky felt his heart hammer.
He was so caught up in it that he didn't realize she was teasing. She turned her head toward him, crowding him. Her hand went to the side of his face and she stared up at his eyes through his sunglasses.
She stood on tip-toes and her lips brushed his. Bucky knew this was bound to happen but he felt himself freeze up just the same. She drew back, her thumb on his lip.
"You want a smoke?"
He nodded, because yes – he was suddenly desperate for one, and she just nodded back at him.
"We're almost done. I just want a Sudoku and then we can go."
That was Darcy then. She did a Sudoku puzzle nearly every morning while Linda did her hair. They went back to the magazine aisle and found what Darcy was looking for.
Bucky's eyes fell to a gossip magazine with Rachel on the front, kissing the soccer player while in a white wedding dress. She was on multiple magazine covers.
"Christ," Bucky blurted, and he set his jaw automatically, closing his eyes.
Darcy glanced at him and her face fell, realizing.
"Hey," she said, and he shook his head. She was trying to bring him back to the exercise, but he was too hungover, too miserable, too everything. He couldn't continue.
Rachel wasn't the only one who did this. There were countless others that moved on fast from him. It was his fault, he didn't blame them for anything. He did this to himself, like what happened last night.
"Who gives a shit?" Darcy whispered. "It's her loss."
Bucky let out a cruel laugh. "No, no, that is not true. I won't let you say that."
He took off his sunglasses to rub his eyes, pushing the heels of his palms into against his eyelids and sighing. He wasn't about to cry. Not here, not with her. He took a few long breaths before turning back toward the magazine racks. In the time it took him to calm down, Darcy had turned over every cover with Rachel on it.
His hands fell to his sides and he stared, Darcy flipping the final magazine before turning back to her.
"There. Better," she said. She looked almost shy.
He wanted to kiss her so bad. Not as Jack. He'd kiss her everywhere, he wanted to throw her leg over his shoulder and feel her come apart with his tongue inside her.
Instead, he put his sunglasses back on, his stomach twisting while his face felt hot.