Just A Girl
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Summary: Bella gets a new English teacher. It changes everything. New Moon AU. Imprint.
It had been two weeks since Bella had seen Embry on the porch steps – felt Jacob's presence inside of the house - and she was trying.
It felt like she was always trying. Constantly trying. Forever trying.
And it was never enough.
The two weeks passed with her holding her chest together for an entirely different reason. All of the pain, all of the abandonment, that had created this huge hole in her chest when Edward had walked away from her in the forest had almost healed. It had been a mare wound, stitched together with sunny smiles, warm sodas, and wonderful brown eyes. It had been like her head wound after Jacob dropped her off at the house, swollen and healing, no longer gaping, no longer gushing blood. She had been mending.
She was still mending, she forced herself to believe.
Angela and Bella had fallen into a friendship that Bella was very careful not to let be one-sided. In the past two weeks they had went shopping together, had a sleepover, baked together, done homework together, and had another sleepover. Not to mention the fact that every day at lunch Bella sat diligently by Angela's side.
It didn't feel like a compromise. It didn't feel like she was forced to be there.
Angela was a sweet girl. She never made Bella talk if she didn't want to. She knew when to listen - when to ask questions. She also knew when to be silent - when to drop the subject. Angela didn't make promises to her and Bella didn't ask her to. Instead, she enjoyed the relief of just having a care-free friend that she could do things with.
Bella had never had a real sleepover before. Angela was angry at Ben, of course, over the resent breakup. She had been annoyed at her twin brothers. Pissed at Jessica and Lauren for taking Ben's side in the matter. Angela had called Bella to get someone on her side. Bella knew how it felt to be alone.
Despite all of the time that Bella had not spent alone, she felt alone inside. She forced herself to continue on the path of mending, but she did it half-heartedly.
It was the middle of the night and Bella wasn't sleeping. She had been avoiding sleep for a while – the nightmares got more and more consistent, vivid, and horrific. She stayed up until her body passed out from exhaustion most nights. Other nights, when she gave into the temptation of her sheets, she woke up screaming. Charlie had rushed in the first night – he had thought she was getting better as the nightmares had stopped and the screaming had stopped. They had started again so suddenly that he hadn't been prepared. But he had just sighed, asked her if she needed anything, and left the room. He didn't come back the next night or the night after.
Bella wondered how long she would be a disappointed. Bella wondered why she was so dependent on other people to keep her sanity.
A part of her despised Edward now. The smaller pieces of her heart that felt the reality of the situation.
She was dressed in a sleeping shirt – a size too large and dark blue. Her underwear was gray. She hadn't brushed her hair after her late night shower and it was in a tangled knot at the base of her neck. She was stretched out on her bed, the light on. The pillow was slightly damp from the drying strands of her hair, but she ignored it. So much of the world felt insignificant anymore.
Bella had started filling out college applications. She had applied to UW after reading the last letter from her pen pal. Her mother had taken it upon herself to email Bella application links to popular universities in the state of Florida. Bella had a feeling that her father was going to encourage that line of thinking soon enough.
Maybe they were right. There wasn't anything in Forks for her anymore. The Cullens were gone and were not coming back. Even if they did come back, it would not be for her. And even if they did come back for her, she had decided, she could not forgive them for what they had done. Or rather, the way they had done it.
And Jacob certainly didn't want her anymore. Embry had seemed so upset when she had seen him – she felt such sadness, an aching for him. If Embry had been in Jacob's house, it had only been logical to assume that Jacob had joined Sam Uley's gang too. Quil would be next, she just knew it. She did not take it upon herself to call him – warn him of the upcoming events.
She'd had enough with interfering.
Maybe she should just go away to Florida. She could go to school full time and live in the dorms – maybe she would make some friends. She could find a job at a little bookstore in town. She'd get a degree in English or history. There was always the possibility of being a teacher, if she could not force herself into a writing career.
The sad thing was that Bella didn't want anything. She had no desires. She was forcing herself to play the role of a high school senior: filling out applications, thinking about possible career plans, picking up extra shifts at work to pay off the future student loan debt.
Bella stretched on her bed, reaching her arms to the walls behind her head and pointing her feet. She had the most diabolical urge to run.
There was a tapping at the window.
Bella froze, her whole body pausing mid-motion in fear. Who was at her window? Edward?
Oh god.
She wished that she had turned her light out. If she had, maybe he would have thought she was sleeping and left her alone. But she had left the light on so that she wouldn't go to sleep.
She rolled off the bed, placing two heavy feet on the floor and turned towards the window. She realized she was absolutely terrified at the possibility that it was Edward. She froze again at this new discovering.
While she had decided she could not forgive the Cullens, she had not decided about Edward. Maybe because she tried to avoid thinking of him. But here, right in this moment, she realized that she was terrified that Edward would come sweeping in through her window and want her back. She was terrified that she would say yes.
Edward had always had some gift at talking her into things that she did not want to do.
Did she not want to take Edward back?
He had left her. He had told her that she wasn't good for him – that he did not want her. He had walked her out into the middle of the woods and left her. He knew how uncoordinated she was. He knew what her sense of direction was like. He should have known that in her delusional attempt to stop him from leaving she would try to chase after him, with her clumsy limbs and human speed. But he had done it anyway. That was unforgivable.
She loved him, though. Bella loved him. However, if these last few months had taught her anything it was that sometimes love was not enough. There were other important things. Like trust. Like enjoying each other's company.
She did not – could not – trust Edward. She wasn't the same person she was months ago and she had no idea how she would get along with him now. When she closed her eyes to daydream, she thought of warm, human hands on her waist and room-temperature sodas.
"Bella!" A voice whispered harshly from her window. She moved her tongue from where it had glued itself to the roof of her mouth. That was certainly not Edward's voice. In fact, it sounded a lot like Jacob.
She moved quickly, shoving the window open, her fingernails scraping against the glass. There on the tree, hanging on like an overgrown squirrel was Jacob.
Only it wasn't Jacob. He was too tall, too long, and his hair was too short.
"Move back a bit." He said, in that same raspy whisper. She did.
"Jake." She found her voice. He was standing right there in front of her in her bedroom. All 6'5" of him. Her head would no longer tuck perfectly into the space between his collarbone and his ear. But she would be able to press her face perfectly into the fold of his shoulder. And he was real. She could feel the heat coming off of him in the space between him. His shoulder were huge, filling the space of her bedroom in a way she had never seen before – or thought of. His chest was bare, but muscular, like he was made of mountains. His hair was cropped short, messily so. But there was a little piece that had fallen over his forehead. Without consciously realizing it, she reached forward with one shaking hand to brush it back.
Jacob closed his eyes at her movement, his face peaceful.
She pulled her hand back and just watched him.
"Hiya." He said softly, watching her too with a new intensity that she had never seen before.
His eyes were warm, but guarded. She wondered what he was keeping of himself from her.
"Hi." She said back, because she had learned that it was perfectly acceptable greeting. She had learned a lot of things in the past two months.
"I had to see you." He said, his eyes catching hers. That intensity should have been worrisome, but all Bella could think was how much she loved him at that moment.
Oh.
She loved him.
"I called you." She said, thoughtlessly. Watching the small movements of his face and neck as he breathed.
"I know." He sounded tired, defeated. Strangled.
"You never answered. Billy kept telling me to stop calling. So I stopped." She didn't know why she was saying this. He had to have known.
"I know." He said. Of course.
"You're in my bedroom." She said, finally, after a moment of uncomfortable silence. Things had never been uncomfortable between them before. Even after that time when he had accidentally brushed against her breast in the kitchen. They had both froze, but she had just carried on with her movement. After a second, he had as well. Even then, they had been okay.
Would they ever be okay again?
"I am." He said. Bella was getting frustrated with his two word answers.
"After all this time, you show up in my bedroom." She tried to sound angry, but she just sounded sad. The sad girl. That's all she was.
Suddenly, Jacob looked so… angry, tired, stifled. His shoulders hunched. "Fuck, Bella. I wanted to see you so bad. If he had just let me see you." He looked up at her, staring at her face and his eyes dropped downwards, curling over her shoulders, her breasts, her waists, her knees, her ankles.
She realized that she was standing in her underwear in front of him, but he was standing half naked in front of her too.
"Are you okay?" He said, moving closer to her – into her personal space. He looked intense. "Are you…" He didn't know what to say.
"I'm…" Bella shrugged, confused.
"I didn't want to avoid you. God, I promised you I wouldn't leave you." He backed away from her, disgusted at himself. His hand ran through his hair, tugging at the short locks. "I tried to come see you before – I really did. But they kept catching me. And Sam, he can order me to do things and I can't fight him."
Bella was appalled. "No one can tell you what to do." She stated.
Jacob laughed, a harsh sound. "That's what I used to think too."
It was silent for a moment. Bella moved to sit on the end of her bed. She stared at him. He stared back.
She focused on his breathing, matching it to her own. She had no idea how long they stared at each other.
After what seemed like a million years where she could see infinite in his eyes, she stood and walked over to him and wrapped her arms tight around him, pressing her face into the crease of his shoulder.
He stood still, like a block.
She pressed tighter, lining her body up with his so that she could feel a part of him against every part of her. If he never wanted to hug her again, she would remember this moment. This would be her happy place.
His arms curled around her, cradling her. He was so warm. Feverishly warm. Supernaturally warm.
Bella breathed him in. He smelled like a man.
"Bella." Jacob's voice broke on her name.
"Jacob." She said back to him, claiming him.
He pulled back from her, just enough so that he could see her face. "Bella, you have to listen to me. I can't tell you what's going on. I physically can't. I…" He broke off, looking like he was in physical pain. "But I've told you before. You just have to remember, okay?" He reached up a warm hand to her face, curling it boldly around her cheek, his thumb brushing her bottom lip.
She kissed it.
His eyes closed again, peaceful. He looked half tortured.
"Please, Bella. Promise me."
Half of her wanted to say no. No, you promised me you wouldn't leave and you did. Why should I promise you anything?
"I promise." She said.
Bella woke with a start. Her breath came in short pants and her heart was beating furiously beneath her ribcage. She looked around her, the right side of the bed was still warm from were Jacob had laid down beside her in the middle of the night.
After she had promised him to remember some kind of information that he had told her at some point – any point – in time, he had turned off her light and pulled her to her bed. She hadn't protested, mainly because he had not released his grip on her waist. He had laid down with her, curling her body into him. She had been cradled, collected not like she was a bunch of broken pieces barely hanging together nor like she was so fragile that he was afraid to touch her, but like she was the most important thing in the world to him.
She had fallen to sleep easily, warmed by his temperature and his presence.
But Jacob was gone now and Bella had remembered.
Wolves.
She pulled herself from her bed and threw herself to her closet door, searching for clothes. Her hair had come unbundled during the night, by Jacob's fingers. She had a somewhat fuzzy memory of his fingers curling through her hair as he laid beside her, held her. It was soft ringlets down her back, not needing to be brushed. She was thankful. She pulled on a pair of dark-wash skinny jeans and a short sleeved blue t-shirt – the first items that her fingers touched. She pulled on her shoes, grabbed her bag from beside the bed.
Bella stopped in the hallway, remembering that Charlie was supposed to be home. It was Saturday, after all. His bedroom door was open and he was not in it. She couldn't hear the television, but she walked carefully down the stairs, trying not to look like a maniac on a mission.
Charlie was nowhere to be found. There was, however, a short note from him on the counter that said he had been called into work – they had discovered another body in the woods.
Bella flew out the door, shoving her keys into the ignition and pressing down on the gas. The drive to La Push was a blur, though it was not raining. She didn't remember if she had been crying or not. When she made it to the little red house, she parked her truck, left her bag, and jumped out to the gravel driveway. She made it to the door in five hurried steps. She knocked three times, loudly.
She didn't care if Billy told her to go away. Jacob had come to her. He had sneaked away to see her in the middle of the night so that he could explain something to her in the only way he could. She hadn't let him down.
Bella had to tell him that she remember. That she didn't care.
Billy opened the door and eyed her with a slightly fascinated expression. She hadn't even opened her mouth, probably to rudely demand he tell her where Jacob was, when he came out with,
"He's on the beach."
Bella stared at him.
Billy chuckled and Bella felt a warm furry grow in her gut. He had been so rude to her in the past few weeks and suddenly it was back to the way it was before? "Jacob said you might stop by. He said he would be on the beach."
She probably should have said thank you, but she didn't. Instead, she turned around sharply, got back into her truck, and backed out of the Black's driveway.
Jacob was indeed on the beach. She found him at the small driftwood obscured by a line of trees that had claimed as their spot whenever they went down to the beach. The ocean pulled a breeze in that made Bella shiver inside her short sleeved shirt. Jacob turned when he heard her, his whole body screaming apprehension.
He didn't move from his seated position. She stopped when she was directly in front of him. They looked at each other.
"So, you turn into a giant wolf?" She asked him, seriously.
"Uh," He rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah." He watched her.
Bella wondered if he expected her to run away screaming.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
She plopped down on the sand in front of him and admitted, "To be honest, I'm more upset by the fact you had been avoiding me than the whole wolf thing."
He stared at her like she had lost her mind. "Bella," He began. "I can turn into a wolf. I hunt vampires."
She looked back at him, curious. "You hunt vampires?"
He shifted uncomfortably, looking at her from under his lashes. "That's why we change. We're born to protect the tribe from cold ones. When they come near, those with the gene phase. To destroy them."
"Oh." Bella said, her expression steady.
"Except, we have a treaty with a coven. My great-grandfather signed it." Jacob shifted again, watching her closely.
She knew why. "The Cullens."
"Yes."
"Look, Jacob," She began. "I loved the Cullens. They kind of adopted me, before…" She took a breath and strive onwards, unable to look at him. "I didn't care that they were vampires because they didn't kill people, because they didn't chose to be vampires. They were clinging so desperately to their humanity. With Edward…" She looked up at him. His eyes were dark and his fists were shaking. "Everything I said about him you before was true. And I, a part of my truly regrets that relationship. How much of a relationship it actually was." She snorted, her chest burning. "I loved the Cullens because they found it in them to be people beyond the monster. But they were also vampires and I spent a lot of time ignore that part of them. I shouldn't have." She reached out her hand, tentatively to brush against his knee, wanting him to look at her.
He did. But his eyes looked red. She wondered how much of him hated the Cullens. She wondered how much of him hated her. "But they left me. And you, you were there and you saved me." She whispered, her hand pressing hard into the bones under his knee, feeling his strength. "You forced me to figure out who I was when you disappeared on me. As much as it hurt and as much as I know turning into a huge wolf probably hurt you too… I'm kind of glad I had that time to think about things."
He was watching her – her face, her hand on his knee.
"If they came back right this minute," She said. "I wouldn't forgive them."
"Why not?" He asked her gruffly, measuring her. His eyes were guarded.
She swallowed. "I don't want you to think I'm all better, because I'm not. I ran with vampires and those vampires left me. They pulled my whole future from underneath me. They didn't say goodbye. Edward left me in the middle of the forest." Her words were soft, not angry but sad. "I can never forgive them for using me as a human pet, no matter how good their intentions were. For a long time, I clung to the pain of their abandonment – of Edward's abandonment – because I felt like if I didn't grieve it, if I stopped feeling the pain, it wouldn't be real anymore. That time of my life would be like it never existed. But I wanted my future. At least, the parts of me that are better. I have no idea what I want from life, but I do know that I want life. And I'm not the same person anymore. So if Edward showed up, kneeled on the ground for me and begged me to take him back, I would tell him no. Because as much as I loved him, as much as a part of me loves him, he's still a boy and… and I don't want to be a girl forever. I want to grow up."
Jacob's eyes were watering by the end of her confession. He slid off the driftwood onto the sand and collected her into his arms, holding her in his lap. She did not cry, but she mourned silently. She felt like he was mourning with her.
Bella pulled her face from where it was pressed into his neck. "So, this heat thing, is that a wolf thing?"
Jacob chuckled. "Yeah."
Bella reached up to push the lock of hair from his forehead. "What else are wolf things?"
"Well, um… we heal really fast. Like superfast. And we can run… I think that's my favorite part, the speed. Kind of like driving a really nice car."
"Of course, you would compare it to that." Bella smiled at him, running her fingers across his cheekbone.
"Our minds… though. They're all connected. When we phase, we can read each other's thoughts. There's no filter. It's… invasive." He looked frustrated.
"That's not very…" She couldn't imagine the idea of anyone reading her mind.
"Yeah." He started playing with her fingers with his hands, tracing his thumb across her knuckles.
"Last night… you said that you had to sneak away – that Sam had ordered you against seeing me and you had to do what he said."
Jacob cleared his throat. "Sam's… he's alpha."
"Alpha?"
He looked at their fingers, curled around each other. The contrast of their skin color looked nice to Bella.
"Basically, he's the leader of the pack. What he says goes. He can alpha order us, which basically means we have to do what he says. Like if he tells us to jump, we ask 'how high?' That sort of thing."
"That's awful."
"Kind of. Sam tries not to alpha order a lot. But it's hard, especially for newly phased wolves. I understand. I trust him, I guess. He's got good intentions." Jacob dropped his head to her hair. "If he had just left me see you though, everything would have been fine."
Bella tightened her hold around Jacob's hand. "Who all is in the pack?"
"Well, there's me and Embry…"
"I saw him the day I went to your house." Bella interjected. "He caught me from falling. He looked so sad."
"I know. He misses you." Jacob admitted.
"I miss him too. Quil too." She looked at him. "Is Quil a wolf too?'
Jacob grimaced. "Not yet. He's getting close to the change. Right now he things that Em and I just abandoned him."
"Oh."
"Which is ridiculous because we would never abandon him. But I remember how I felt when I though Em had abandoned us and…" Jacob trailed off. "We've been best friends since we were babies. It's not fair."
"I'm sorry." Bella didn't know what to say. She hoped that her presence was a comfort. His was, to her.
"Anyway," Jacob picked his line of thought back up. "There's Paul – he's kind of a hothead. You should probably stay away from him. At least, unless I'm with you."
Bella frowned, but agreed, a part of her thrilled that Jacob intended to introduce her to his 'pack' at all.
"And Jared, he's a nice guy. He's your age. And then there's Sam."
"Right."
"So, you're really okay with this? With me?" Jacob sounded unsure. Bella remembered just how much she hated it when he sounded unsure. Especially when she was the reason.
She turned to look him straight in the eye. "Yes, I'm okay with this. You're still you. You just turn into a wolf sometimes."
Jacob let out a sigh of relief and pressed her tightly to his chest. "Thank you." He whispered into her hair.
Bella was pretty sure she should be the one thanking him.
Hi,
Yes, something like that happened to me. And I gave up for a long time. But you can find light again – in the most unlikely places. You will be able to find your footing. I promise.
My mom told me all my life that no one could ever tell me what to do, not even her. She pressured me desperately into making my own decisions. I think she went about it the wrong way though, because I was making so many adult decisions at such a young age with no guidance that when I got myself into a situation that someone started making all of my decisions for me, I didn't notice it at first because I was relieved in the beginning. By the end of it, I had lost my sense of self. But there are also times when you have to do what someone tells you. Lots of times, really. When you're in danger and there is someone who has more experience. Or when you're in school and in a delicate situation – like a lab full of toxic chemicals. Of course, you will have to decide at the beginning if you trust the person giving the orders. If you trust them with your safety and your sanity. But there's a fine line there. You have to preserve yourself, always. Fight for yourself. Fight for your life.
You have dreams. Follow them. And if anyone tells you not to, well, in the wise words of one of my best friends: Fuck 'em.
I have no idea what I want to do with myself. I mean, rationally, I know what I am going to do. I just have no desire or actual feelings about it.
I got so attached to the idea of something – I wanted it so bad and when it got taken away it's like my whole future followed. But I had to realize that my whole future was still there. It was just different. I have to tweak it so it makes sense with the new alignment of the universe.
You will figure it out. I have faith.
And thank you. You're a hell of a guy. You will find a girl who will love you and who you love too.
Thanks, again
The day she met Sam Uley, Jacob and she had been sitting in the garage – as was usual before he suddenly gained the ability to turn into a wolf. It had been two days since Jacob had jumped into her bedroom window. Bella was sitting on the couch with Jacob's head in her lap, her fingers brushing through the short strands.
"Have you been getting enough sleep?" She asked him.
He barked out a laugh. "Sam's killing me with patrols. There's this red haired leech that's been teasing us for two weeks now. I just want to fucking kill her and get a full night's sleep."
Bella froze. "Red hair?"
Jacob sat up at her fearful tone. He looked at her carefully. "Yeah, red hair." He said softly. "It's really long and curly. She's not one of the Cullens, is she?"
"No." Bella said.
"Sam is pretty sure we killed her mate a few weeks ago – right before she turned up. He was African-American with dreadlocks." Jacob was watching her with a protective, yet curious expression.
"Oh." Bella said. "He wasn't her mate." She felt like she was talking to Jacob underwater.
"Do you…do you know her?" Jacob's voice was calm, but she could feel the slight shaking of his hands where they were placed on her knees.
"Yeah." Bella said thickly. "She tried to kill me."
Jacob's growl broke through Bella's daze. He had pulled himself away from her, his limbs shaking in the small space between her and where the Rabbit was parked.
"Jacob." Bella started, standing up. She tripped over her book bag, falling into his chest. He caught her, like always, his arms encircling her. He seemed calmer, holding her. There was just the barest hint of vibration.
"Fuck, Bella." He said. He seemed to say that a lot, she thought. "What the hell am I gonna do with you?"
"Um…" She started.
"All my instincts are screaming at me now, you realize. You just had to go and tell me that this red-head bitch wanted to kill you."
"Your instincts?"
"To protect you."
"Oh."
They stood like that for a long time until Jacob had calmed fully. He had his nose in her hair, breathing in her scent. She was clutching him, rather fearful of why Victoria was here, stalking Forks and La Push.
"Tell me what happened." Jacob prompted, maneuvering her onto the couch, but keeping her in his lap. She hadn't sat in his lap since the beach, when he had curled her against him. When she had been mourning her vampires.
Her vampires. Not anymore.
Bella cleared her throat. "James… was her mate. The Cullens, they were playing baseball and I was there…" and the whole story tumbled out.
Jacob shook at different points in the story, but he would shove his nose into her hair and take deep breaths. She wondered if she should be slightly freaked out that Jacob relied on her scent so much, but she wasn't.
Edward had always tried not to smell her. Edward had always avoided touching her as much as possible, despite the fact that they had been playing as if they were in a relationship. When they would kiss, his lips would barely touch hers.
Once again, Bella wondered what it would be like to kiss Jacob.
They certainly touched differently than just friends. She knew that. She had accepted that. There was something under her friendship with Jacob that had always been burning beneath her skin. She kind of felt like he was made for her. She wondered if he thought she was made for him.
"I have to tell the pack about this." Jacob said finally.
"We don't know if she's here because of me." Bella said, knowing that it was unlikely that she was hanging around a place a bunch of giant wolves were protecting unless there was something there that she really, really wanted. Like Bella.
"I don't want to take that chance." Jacob pulled her up and wiped his fingers under her eyes. She had cried again during her storytelling. But it had just been tears, slowly falling. He looked at her like he was sizing her up but also making sure she was okay. "Do you want to go to the bathroom first?" He asked finally.
"First?"
"I need to tell the pack about this and I don't want – I can't leave you right now." He looked pained, his eyes searching over her face.
"Okay." She said. She had questions that she wanted to ask – about instincts and the way he was looking at her like he was afraid she would fall down and die right in front of him. But she would ask them later. "I'll be right back."
She stepped away from him and headed down the path to the little red house. She opened the front door and slipped inside. Billy was in front of the television and smiled at her. She hid her face from him as much as she could.
Their bathroom was small, but made handicap accessible, so it wasn't that small. She used the toilet and washed her hands and her face. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her cheeks were lightly pink, but her eyes didn't look puffy. Her hair was smooth and curly – she had washed it this morning. She was wearing her favorite jeans that clung in all the right places. She had pulled them on today because for some reason she wanted Jacob to look at her in them. She had worn a soft pink t-shirt that was short sleeved – knowing that Jacob's new temperature would keep her warm. It had a v-neck shape and showed the barest hint of cleavage. It clung to the sides of her breasts and tucked in around her waist. It was a shirt her mother had bought for her. When Bella had pulled it on this morning, she couldn't remember having ever worn it before. She had dressed up for him today, in a small insignificant type way.
Huh.
She hadn't really realized until that moment in the little tiny bathroom that she wanted Jacob Black to find her attractive. She wanted Jacob not only to want her but to want her.
Bella rolled her eyes at herself in the mirror. She felt like Jessica.
Brushing her fingers through her hair one more time, Bella exited the bathroom and headed back outside. Billy smiled at her again and this time she smiled back.
Jacob was standing on the front porch, waiting for her. As soon as he saw her, he reached from her hand. Bella was nervous about meeting the pack, of course. They were a part of Jacob now. But she was more nervous about Jacob being nervous. She was more nervous about the idea of Victoria hunting her.
They took her truck. Jacob drove.
The house they pulled up to was small, but vibrant. It was yellow with a beautiful garden curled around the sides of the house. She wondered what the backyard looked like. The house was surrounded by woods on either side, tucked neatly away from the world.
I could live like that, she thought.
Before Jacob cut the engine, he leaned over so that his lips were brushing her ear. "Don't stare at Emily, okay? It bothers Sam."
Bella had no idea what Jacob was talking about, but she nodded her agreement and stepped out of the truck. He grasped her hand again, pulling her close to him as they headed up to the front door.
It swung open before the reached it. Embry stepped out, taller and larger, hair cropped like Jacob's. They looked so much alike, standing almost side by side.
"Hey, Bella." He said tentatively.
Bella had missed him. She pulled herself out of Jacob side to hug Embry. He hugged her back, strongly. He wasn't wearing a shirt but she hardly noticed. He was warm too, but she had stopped noticing that too.
He was still Embry. He just turned into a wolf occasionally.
Embry pulled back from her at the same time she pulled away from him. He grinned at her, looking brighter. Bella stepped back in line with Jacob, who had a soft smile on his face.
"Are you here to see Sam or…" Embry directed the question to Jacob, who nodded. "Do you want me to stay?" Embry asked. Jacob glanced at Bella and then back at Embry and nodded again.
Bella breathed out through her nose. It was one thing to meet a bunch of unfamiliar people. It was another to have two friends next to you while you do it.
Bella was sitting next to Jacob at the large table that took up the majority of the kitchen. Embry was on her other side. She felt very much like they were standing guard over her. Sam was standing, leaning against the counter. She wondered if he often sought to stand taller than the rest of the wolves.
Bella knew that Sam wasn't all bad – he had found her in the woods after all. But there was something about him that screamed self-righteous that reminded her too much of Edward – at least, Edward's faults. She believed Sam had good intentions at heart, but the way he constantly kept a front up was kind of insulting to the other members of his pack. Surely, if you fought vampires together and could reach each other's every thought it would be impossible to have an ego-complex around the very people you did such things with.
However, every part of Sam screamed ego to Bella. Perhaps it was just a cover. But it bothered her.
Sam didn't seem to like her much either. He tolerated her. He had listened to her shortened version of the events with James and Victoria – she had gotten through it better this time, having explained it all to Jacob before. She recited it like a memorized line as opposed to an actual event that had occurred in her life. Nevertheless, Sam seemed thoroughly disgusted by her choices. He hid it well. But Bella had always been too observant.
Since she had awoke from her daze a few months ago, she could feel her old self coming back.
Jacob and Embry seemed to have sensed the dividedness between her and Sam. They had taken it upon themselves to guard Bella from him in a way she was sure annoyed the hell out of him.
He was big mighty alpha and two of his pack were guarding a little human girl from him. That must burn him inside. Bella felt slightly vindictive, strangely enough.
Sam had kept Jacob from her. While everything had turned around okay, she remembered those feelings of abandonment very clearly.
"Bella, this is your decision." Sam finally said after hearing her story and an intense war of eye contact between the two of them.
"What do you mean it's her decision?" Jacob jumped out of his chair, it felt back with a clang. "We have to protect her!"
Sam eyed Jacob in a way that made Bella very uncomfortable. Embry stood too, next to Jacob like he had been there his whole life. He reached out a hand to lay on Jacob's shoulder. Bella could tell – by having spent so much time with both of them, but also just by the way they looked at each other in that moment – that Embry was both telling Jacob to calm down and also giving support if he decided to not calm down. Embry would fight with Jacob, not against him.
Embry was willing to fight for her protection.
"Jacob, Embry, sit down." There was a new tremor in Sam's voice that made both Jacob and Embry's shoulder hunch, like they were trying to protect themselves. They sat down immediately. Jacob reached for her and she tried not to feel his desperation.
"If you don't keep her save, Sam. I will." There was a threat in Jacob's voice that made Sam's arms shake, just for a moment.
"Our pack was not formed to protect a single human girl." Sam spit the word girl like it was a curse.
Right, because Bella was still that girl. The one in need of protection.
Jacob was vibrating next to her. Embry's arms were shaking.
"Sam…" Embry tried.
Bella cut him off. "What is it..." She said slowly, "that you want me to decide?"
Sam looked at her a long time. She fought not to move her body behind Jacob's. "You ran with vampires. You have to understand," He stepped forward. A growl sounded in Jacob's throat. "Vampires are our mortal enemies. If we protect you – we have to trust that you will not betray our secrets."
Bella stared at him, aghast. "You think I'm going to snitch on you to a bunch of vampires?"
Sam's expression did not change.
Bella was angry. "That's ridiculous! The only vampires that I associated with were the Cullens, whom you have a treaty with! And guess what, they left me! They're not coming back! And if they did, do you think I would just run back to them like a good little girl?"
Sam stared at her hard. "Yes." He said.
Jacob was vibrating so badly that she thought for sure he was going to burst into a giant wolf right next to her. And he couldn't leave his seat because Sam had told him to sit down.
Bella turned away from Sam, just for a moment, to take Jacob's face into her hands. "Jacob," She whispered. "You need to calm down." He looked at her, his eyes boring into hers like they were magnets made for each other – made to connect. He took a deep breath and the shaking slowed to a gradual rocking.
Knowing that was the best she could get out of him, she moved her hands from his face and turned back to Sam. "I have no loyalties to you." She began. Her voice was calm, but loud. She was done being soft. This marked the end of her softness. "My loyalty belongs to Jacob. If Victoria is after me, it's not your job to protect me. Granted, I am human and stand no chance against her on my own. I will never ask Jacob to protect me from her, especially if he does not have the support of his packmates. Just become I have experience with the supernatural does not make me a bad person. So, you can do whatever the hell you want. But you have no right to act like you know anything about me."
Sam stared at her. She stared back.
"We will add Bella's house to the patrol route. It will be easier for us, Bella, if you stay in La Push as much as possible. We'll try to have someone nearby should anything happen. I can't guarantee you anything." Sam's voice was resigned. He glanced at Jacob, a mix of fear and rage on his face before it was quickly masked.
"You just agreed to that because you know that I can overrule you." Jacob sounded perfectly calm.
Sam laughed. Bella was shocked at the sound. It sounded almost mocking. "You were barely able to contain your phase just now. You don't have the self-control to take me on."
"It's my birthright." Instead of sounding angry at Sam's mockery, Jacob sounded resigned.
"Give up, Jacob." Sam matched Jacob's tone, his own surrender in his words. "You're not ready. We will protect Bella. But only because she is yours."
Jacob, finding some kind of force inside of himself, stood up. Sam's eyes widened the tiniest bit before his mask returned. "Em." Jacob said. Embry pulled himself up, only after Jacob's command. Jacob grasped my hand and pulled me to the door.
"If you had come to me, asking to protect Emily, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Not only because she's your imprint, but because she's just a single human girl." With that, Jacob led Embry and Bella out the door, slamming it on its hinges on the way back.
Bella could still see Sam's face in her mind as Jacob pulled her to her truck.
Hi,
It's getting easier. I think it's having my friends back. Two at least. I think the other one will be soon. I hope so, at least. A part of me doesn't want him to, because then he'll have to go through all this like I did. But I think, knowing him, he'd rather be with us than without us, whatever the cost – curse.
I'm sure this all sounds terribly vague. I'm sorry. I just need to talk about it – even if I can't tell you what it is. After all, you rant to me – I rant to you.
I can feel a battle inside of me. The guy I work for – he's a nice person, on the inside. But he's jaded and he used that against himself. He's not really made for the role he's taken, but he's trying, y'know. And my friend, he's got the education for it and the attitude, but he doesn't want it. At least, he didn't in the beginning. Or maybe he knew that he wasn't strong enough for the fight that it would take to get the position and so he just let everyone think he didn't want it. I think that's a little stupid, because you have to work for something. If you just decide you're not good enough and it's better just to convince yourself you don't want it then you will never ever have it. But I also understand were he's coming from. But there's this battle inside of him too. And I think the larger part is winning.
Probably because of his girl.
She's great – I wish you could meet her. I bet you would be friends. She's discovering herself again. It's amazing to watch.
Also, I wanted to let you know I applied for early admission to UW. I like that motto. It reminds me of my friends.
I think you're smart enough to figure out what you want to. Stop basing your decision off of other people. Sit and think about what you really want for a change. At the end of the day, it's you that you've got to live with.
You're hell of a girl. I kind of want to meet you.
Bye, thanks