-happy one year and four months eh. The hole is still yawning. The void is growing. The need is not lessening.
I still recall the jealousy she had when gazing upon that bracelet. More than once, she had demanded it be burned. And more than once, it had gotten me to smile because of her misplaced jealousy. I will never forget after a particularly heated...well heated encounter, she swore she would leave our King, on the single condition that I name my first kiss, so that she could find her, and make it so that I was only hers. I never got the chance to tell her that I was hers from the moment I saw her. Nor did I ever procure the chance to tell her I would gladly do what she asked, after all, I just wanted her. I wish I had known she was lying. Or perhaps I do not wish that. Perhaps I would not change a detail or event that occurred, even if it meant I was not here, on this miserable battlefield.
As I said, when I awoke on that misty morning, no one was there, and even after my insistent inquiries to the knights, old and young, no one could tell me who she was. Sometimes I wish perhaps I had fallen in love with her, and not the Queen. But I digress. I suppose when I die, which will be soon, that I will be able to ask Satan, or perhaps some other sort of keeper can answer me when I get down to my predestined spot. We returned to the castle on that morning, and I was brought to the Kings private chamber for a requested audience. I scarcely could breathe in those long drawn out minutes before he appeared. My arm had almost been cleaved from its joint, and yet the dull pain was nothing compared to the tightness in my chest. Finally, he appeared from a door hidden from view. He had a serious, sombre look on his face, and kept his hands clasped in front of him. He did not look pleased, or proud. I was most certain that he was going to rule my execution that very second. He came to a stop bare inches away from me. I took this moment in between moments to note with surprise that he was perhaps only several years older than myself. He remained there, closer than most men cared to get to me. He clapped me on the back violently, and I felt as if my skeleton was being yanked out of my body.
"Excellently done! And with only a mail shirt and an old claymore to be certain!!!"
I stood in shock.
"Do not be modest, come, sit with me by the hearth, we will drink to your victory!"
I was in such shock I did not even pause to realize I was going to be drinking with the King. All my mind could process was that I was NOT going to be executed. He sat me before himself, and when he had settled across from me and poured us drinks from a decanter of hot mulled wine. He smiled at me through the mist cast up by the warm wine. He looked almost as if he were a smiling god, or perhaps some form of a mythical prince, I would even have believed he to be King Arthur in those moments. He took a long draught from his cup before slamming it back on the board.
"You do not know what you have done, do you?"
I averted my eyes, nervous again as to being executed. He grabbed my cup and threw it back in one gulp, smiling like a bear at me.
"You killed Paulus!"
I stared in bewilderment still. He slammed the board with his broad hand and shook my bones once more. He grinned even wider at me, his dark eyes glittering benignly.
"Paulus!! He had been attacking and crippling my shipping routes to the North for months now!"
I finally found my voice, after realizing indeed, I would not die by the axes stroke or the swords shrill singing.
"But I...sire...I did not slay this...Paulus. If you are referring to the Titan that nearly cleaved my arm off by accident alone, it was a knight on a white horse who felled him. Not I."
A cloud passed over his face momentarily. I continued uncertainly, afraid I would upset the King further.
"I was struck with the thought that it was you, sire. He was on a white horse, and carried a shield white washed and emblazoned with a bright red cross."
His cloudy face soon disappeared, once again replaced with that dazzling bearish grin. It was like the flash of lightning before the clap of thunder, his booming laughter shaking the very keystone in the arch behind us. I stared in wonder, how could a man, in no way no older than I by a few years, seem so god like?
"It was the white knight!!"
My eyes widened. By that he could not be suggesting...
"Surely my lord, you jest!"
He roared again, slapping the table repeatedly with his paw of a hand.
"I do not, fair knight! It was the white knight! I only ever knew of one man who would don the red cross, and that most certainly was no pretender that saved your soul."
I stared in awe, now both thankful and in shock. THE white knight had ridden down that hill so determinedly to save me.
"Well, even if it was not you who slayed Paulus, you most certainly took many a Saxon arm and leg. I even heard of beheadings, while running! That is a true skill, especially in the damp sand and failing light."
I beamed, pleased with his praise.
"My lord, all I do, I do for you, and in the name of our kingdom."
"There is however...one thing that displeased me immensely upon hearing of it."
My smile dropped, as did my heart. He stood up so suddenly his chair flew out from under him, and he clapped three thunderous times. Serving boys appeared seemingly out of the very stone of the walls around us, all bearing chests in their arms.
"...I heard that the one knight who surpassed all bravery, fortitude, and skill in the inlet was ill prepared. God-forbid you had met a more formidable foe then what you did, that thin mail and old rusted thing would never have protected you."
He crossed himself, bade the servants to deposit the boxes, and dismissed them with another three thunderous claps. I felt as if I was in the presence of God himself, or perhaps our Elder Gods, those who were so pure and full of light, all who they touched in mortal form was forever blessed and given shares of the wealth of the earth. He approached the chests, four in all, and motioned for me to flip open the lids in turn. Anything I could have imagined was nothing compared to what met my eyes. Fresh from the smithy, shining as bright as a Cherubs smile, and of the most dazzling plates was a new set of armour. Down to the very last detail, it was delicately carved with images of crosses, horses, and tall striking knights doing battle. The stories portrayed on these plates were more beautiful than the tapestries on the King's chambers. I looked to the King wildly, I believed this a test, or a jest on his part. He only smiled.
"We had to get the ladies in waiting to stand still to measure out these plates!"
He threw back his head and laughed as if the walls would melt from his force.
"We had quite a time getting these prepared in time, but here they are young knight. And with a little growing room, I expect you will be employed in my warband for quite some time."
I was not even aware of the tears streaming down my face until he handed me an embroidered cloth, and patted me on the back. He stood next to me, this young god and myself, and we admired the beauty of the plates. My heart felt at once, constricted, and yet, full and free as a bird that flew over the rocky shores of our home.
"I see myself in you, my lady. It is amazing how the most unlikely person will make the most courageous and daring knight. Men, women, and children will laud your deeds, for if I am to accomplish what I must do to unite this island, I will need your help, do you understand me when I tell you this?"
"You mean to re-unify our states?"
He hit his fist into his palm, his brow creased with concentration suddenly.
"More then that, young one, I mean to create a centralized seat of power for the entire island. I want any and all foreign born and invader spawn driven from this place, or driven onto stakes. I will not stand for more death, disease, or starvation. It sickens me when I look to see my people, and those far off suffering at the hands of strangers who give no pity or care to what they do!"
The plan sounded almost impossible, but in those shining moments, I believed the King could have climbed the very steps to God's throne, and stabbed him thrice, just to prove that he could hurt an immortal one.
"But...where would this seat of power lay? What if there are those who oppose you? You do realize my liege, that almost a quarter of the North has fallen to Saxons alone, our shores are encroached on all sides by Picts and Jutes..."
"Enough young one! Enough. I realize this task seems impossible. Almost as if I were to declare I would kill God himself."
He crossed himself and strode to the hearth, stopping and staring intently into the dancing and cracking fire.
"This task will not be easy, I realize this. This task may perhaps claim my life, or not even come to fruition in my lifetime or yours. But it will happen! I will ensure that it will happen, or God help me, my children, and their children's children shall never enter Heaven's gates until this island is united! For this task, as if to kill God himself, I must have in my counsel knights such as yourself. I need ones who are full of love for this country, for their lord, for justice, and for what is right. I must have courageous men at my side. I must have wise ones to advise for and against plans. I must assemble the greatest war council that this world has ever seen!"
He whirled around, his eyes ablaze like the roaring fire behind him.
"I intend to build this council out of those I trust. These events that have passed now, show to me, that my war council will begin tonight..."
He walked to me, and grabbed my hand, clasping it in his warm, huge, scarred hands.
"I intend to draft you as the first of my war council. Will you accept?"
Even now, I will never forget the look in his eyes, the absolute trust he placed in me, and the unwaivering faith that he showed to me in those long minutes. It was all I could do to not burst into tears again. I feel to one knee, grabbing the hems of his great purple cloak, and pressed it to my lips, muttering perhaps the only Pagan prayers I knew, giving thanks for what had befallen me. I spoke while still kneeled in front of him.
"My lord, as undeserving as I am for this momentous honour, I will not reject this offer. I will become the first in your war-council, and I will help you unite this shattered island, and direct power to a central throne. I will help you win back this country, I will be your servant, and none other!"
If only he had never given me cause to get close to him.
If only he had never trusted me.
If only I had never ridden to battle as I did.
If only.