5 months earlier
I walked past my house, past my local supermarket, and started down a long road. I walked for 15 minutes before reaching my destination. It was a small lake, surrounded by trees. Not many people knew about it, so it was nice to come and listen to the silence. I took my usual seat by the side of the lake, at the bottom of one of the trees, and closed my eyes.
About half an hour later I heard some rustling. My eyes shot open and I stayed perfectly still. It couldn't be any sort of dangerous animal, but I couldn't always be sure. I pushed myself slowly off the grass and stood with my back pressed against the tree trunk. I could hear footsteps, crunching against falling leaves. It was just a person. I walked out from where I was hiding, to come face to face with the most gorgeous person I'd ever seen. He had short blonde hair, with bright blue eyes. He was quite tall and I noticed that he wasn't wearing a shirt. He was rather muscular, and I lost my breathe for a second or two.
'Hi. Sorry, I didn't think anyone was here.' He held his arms around his body, as if shy or insecure. Though he had no reason to be.
'Uh... It's fine. I was just, you know. Sitting down.' We both stood there for a while, neither of us sure what to do next.
'Do you wanna go for a swim?' I was caught off guard, and didn't know what to say.
'I don't have anything to wear, so I'll pass. I should really be going now anyway.' I said, wanting any excuse to leave.
'Oh, ok then.' I nodded my head slowly, and began walking away. 'Wait. Can you come back tomorrow? Maybe we could go swimming then?' He was smiling at me and I could my stomach flipping over.
'Yeah, that sounds cool.'
'Great. Same time tomorrow then.' We exchanged smiles, and I went on my way.
. . . . . . . . . .
We met at our secret place everyday for two weeks after that. It was safe to say that I was slowly falling in love with this boy, whose name is Tyler. I don't know what it was about him. A part of me thought he might like me back, but then I looked in the mirror and remembered who I was. I remembered that I was a 17 year old boy, and he was a 19 year old man. Everything was great, until one Tuesday.
We were sitting under our usual tree, when we got onto the topic of family. I found out that he had two older sisters and a younger brother. Then it was my turn.
'It's just me and my dad.'
'What happened to your mum?' He looked at me with great interest. I debated lying, saying that she left us for another man, or that I was adopted. But when I looked into his eyes and saw his smile, something came over me.
'She died a month or so ago.' I looked at the lake, at the water trickling down the stream in the sunlight.
'Oh, I'm so sorry. Was it a heart attack? That seems to be a common cause these days.' He asked with such ease, as if I had just told my rabbit had ran away.
'No, she killed herself.' It came out before I had a chance to think about what I was saying. 'I shouldn't have said that. Sorry.' I looked at Tyler, and he had a strange look on his face.
'I'm so sorry. That must have been awful.' He was looking at me, and I don't know what came over me but I couldn't help myself.
I took his hand, and leaned across, waiting for him to move his head. That's the moment everything went wrong.
'What the fuck are you doing?!' He was on his feet, and I jumped up.
'I'm sorry, I just thought that... you know.' I walked towards him.
'That what? I was a homo?' He said backing away form me, as if he didn't want to catch my 'disease.' I took a few steps back.
'Wait!' He was walking away now. 'I thought we had a connection or something?'
'I'm allowed to be just friends with a guy you know?' And then he left. It sounds stupid, but I felt my heart break in that moment. How stupid was I, to think that someone might actually like me?
I couldn't sleep that night. I just lay there, staring at my ceiling.
. . . . . . . . . .
The next day, I walked to school trying to keep him out of my mind. I walked through the main doors and immediately knew something was wrong. Everyone was staring at me. People normally ignore me, according to them I don't exist. They were all laughing and whispering as I passed. I kept my head down and walked to my locker.
I stopped and my bad fell to the floor. Sprayed across my locker over and over again, was the word:
FAG!
I turned around, to see everyone standing there, pointing at me and laughing. I could feel tears threatening to spill over. A boy from my class, Mike, stepped forward.
'Guess what my brother told me last night?' My stomach dropped. 'That we have a homo in our school.' I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.
'You know what we do with gays, right Howell?' His friend standing next to him, crossed him arms and was glaring down at me. They started walking towards me, then it was like my brain started working, and my feet started moving.
I ran. I ran as fast as I could, but unfortunately, my fastest wasn't good enough. They caught up to me near the local park. I ran into one of the 'gang' Charlie. So, I turned around, to find another standing there. I then noticed all five of them standing around me.
'I haven't done anything. Please just leave me alone.' I bit my lip to stop myself from crying, but it didn't work. A tear rolled down my cheek.
'Look, he's crying.' I tried to run away, but I was cornered.
'Hey, where are you going?'
'Don't walk away.'
'Where's your mum. Huh?'
'What's that? Are you psycho too?'
They were getting closer, and I couldn't move, I couldn't get away. I was trapped. The first punch came out of nowhere. Before I knew what was happening, I was on the floor in pain. Punches and kicks coming from every direction. I lay there. I didn't try to fight, or move. I just cried.
The hits stopped coming, and I thought it was over. Then someone grabbed my arms, and my legs, and they were holding me down. I opened my eyes and say Mike kneeling next to me with a marker pen. I could feel it on my face and knew instantly what they were doing. I closed my eyes and just waited. I felt them let go.
'Learn your lesson, you queer psychopath. Do us all a favour and join your mother.' Mike then spat on me and left. My brain kept telling me to get up, but I just lay there.
'Hey, are you ok?' I felt someone place a hand on me, and saw some person staring at me. I just stare back. I can't find the strength to speak. I lick my lips and taste the blood. So much blood.
The person standing over me, grabbed my arm and carefully pulled me up. 'Do you need help getting home? Should I call an ambulance?' I shook my head and pushed him away. A fresh set of tears start falling, as I notice eople staring at me.
I try walking away, and feel the sting in my legs. I looked down and saw blood coming through my trousers. I start walking, ignoring any stares or anyone trying to help. It takes me a lot longer than usual to get home. No surprise.
I walk through my front door, and know that dads not home. He'll be at work. I walk to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I don't cry, I just stare at what's written there. Emotionless.
DIE.
Just one word. One word to push me over the edge. I take my shirt off and stare at the bruises and blood. I do the same with my trousers, and stand there in my boxers. I turn around and stare at the floor. Just a month ago my mum was there. Seems like the right way to go huh? Like mother, like son.
I walk into my room and put on my best clothes, got to look nice. I wondered back into the bathroom, open the cabinet and stare at the bottles. I run my fingers along them all, and settle on one. I twist the cap off, and pour the contents into my hand. I stare at my reflection in the mirror. This is really it. One last tear rolled down my cheek.
. . . . . . . . . .