"Eric" I said and nodded, trying to keep my expression bland. What the devil was he doing here, I wondered to myself. He was supposed to with Sookie having mind blowing makeup sex in his office. Instead there he stood at the door of the crematorium looking like he had been drawn and quartered and reluctantly sewn back together again. Mr. O'Leary nodded to me in greeting and we headed in. As we walked inside, my thoughts took a different trajectory. How the hell did he know where to find me? When I became a vamp had a locator chip been implanted in my body that had somehow escaped my notice? It was very tempting to run to the nearest airport, go through the scanner machine and demand a copy of the x-ray just to know if that was the case. Instead I forced myself to focus on the matter at hand.
About thirty minutes later I was the proud owner of a crematorium. It felt oddly gratifying to know I had one item on my "Revenge against my Would be killer" to do list ready to be checked off. Oh, I wouldn't need the crematorium for a while, but its always good to start any enterprise with the end in mind. Anyone who has ever been to a Franklin Covey workshop will tell you that. We were heading out of the building, leaving a much wealthier Mr. O'Leary in our wake, when Eric, who had said nothing during the transaction, finally spoke.
"We are getting divorced" he said. His voice was flat and tinged with incredulity. Call me slow, but at first I thought he was telling me that our business partnership was dissolving, so I made a poorly judged attempt at humor and replied " don't we have to be married first?"
He just looked at me like I was vapid for a moment and then I watched his face go from shell shocked to enraged. " Sookie and I are getting divorced!" he yelled. His voice matched the extended fangs and enraged eyes on his face. I have never really feared Eric, but in that one moment I did fear him. Instinctively I recoiled and said the only thing any rational being can say when faced with such a hostile clarification.
" Oh" we just stared at each other for a moment. A moment that was going to either be my last or one I would recall as my latest near miss. I wish I could say I didn't give a rats ass either way, but I am not that sophisticated. If I could still pee I would have wet my pants. That's how bad it was. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on what you might feel about me, it wasn't my day to die. No instead it was my day to witness the one thing that would almost make me wish I had died instead of having to witness it.
Eric's eyes welled up with blood and I just knew extreme measures were called for. Before he could bat an eyelash I jumped him.
For a seasoned warrior like Eric, the incident in the mortuaries parking lot probably didn't rate as a skirmish, but for a rank amateur like myself it was an epic battle. I started with a roundhouse kick and followed up with a couple of right hooks. I managed to get those in since he taken off guard. But once I was aiming my next kick for his groin, his instinct kicked in and about three second later I was kissing the pavement and my left shoulder wasn't in its socket anymore.
"What did you do that for?" He asked. I couldn't tell him the real reason. I am sure " because I didn't want to see you cry" would have been a suicidal utterance. Instead I gave one of those nonsensical reasons that anyone with a penis accepts as valid.
"because you pissed me off asshole" He lifted me up and popped my shoulder back in its socket then said "enough, I need your help. You are a modern woman, I need you to tell me what's going through her head"
Sooo, the divorce had been Sookie's idea. Well the last place I needed to be was in the middle of a domestic situation. I grabbed my shoulder and shot Eric a glare that I hoped would guilt him into abandoning the idea of seeking my insight into the modern woman's psyche. Of course it didn't work, but I had to try. "Fine, lets go to my house and we can talk"
After getting all the nitty gritty detail two things became clear. First, Sookie was aware of the mess Eric was in with the Vampires and felt the way to protect Eric was by disassociating herself from him. Second, Eric had tricked Sookie into marrying him (granted it was a vampire marriage, not one sanctioned by the state of Louisiana, but considering we are talking about vampires, the laws of mere mortals really didn't figure into the equation) because he loved her and wanted to protect her from the other vampires. What a quandary. If he divorced her, his problems would get better but hers would likely just be starting.
Add to that the fact that Eric had decided to coerce rather than court Sookie and it was understandable that she wouldn't exactly believe him when he told her that she would be in danger if they divorced. The blood bond couldn't have been faltering at a worse time. It was obvious he needed to do a couple of things. The first was to stall and the second was to woo. Operation Stall and Woo, that's what was needed.
Unfortunately, Eric didn't agree that he hadn't already done the wooing. It was a very strange conversation that went something like " you have to woo her", " I already did" , " No, really. Paving someone's driveway, exposing her boyfriend for the fraud he is, forging a blood bond under false pretenses, and tricking her into presenting you with a ceremonial knife is not considered wooing. Not by the modern standards, please- take my word for this….. Yes, I understand that in other circles its considered wooing, there was a time when abduction was considered wooing- but not anymore…..fine, that's the insight I have to give. Take it or leave it."
Somehow, the message seeped past the ancient Viking DNA, and found a foothold in that mysterious cosmos called Eric's brain.
" I have to woo her, " he said finally, as if it was a conclusion he had just arrived at- on his own. It took every ounce of self control not to jump his ass again. In fact, since we already know that self control is not my forte, what it actually took was the finger nails on chalkboard effect of his next sentence. " You have to help me"
" OOhhhhh nooooooo. That's where I draw the line" I was shaking my head vigorously.
" Why not?" he asked. It was a fair question and one I couldn't answer honestly. Eric and I are pretty straightforward with each other, but I knew that if I told him I couldn't help him because I was soooo through with relationship drama he would have just lectured me on letting my personal feelings interfere with vampire business. Then I would not have a leg to stand on, because although this was not vampire business, he was my boss which meant that if he said it was- it was and of course he would say it was. I needed something else. Looking at him, I realized that he needed a confidence boost. I came up with an out that hopefully would serve both purposes.
" I couldn't be objective, Eric" I said staring into his eyes as I said it and then lowering my gaze to the floor in a way that I hoped was communicating "demure and harboring secret feelings for you". When I raised my gaze he was looking at me with a blank expression. Rats, undettered I continued.
" I know its Sookie you want, and if I could trust myself to be big enough to help you get her ...I would but I fear that some part of the woman I am…..." I left the rest unsaid and hoped he would fill in the blanks, and again went for the demure harboring secret feelings stance. This time when I looked up I could see he got what I was implying and his expression was even tinged with smug compassion. As if his allure had ever been in doubt- The things we minions have to do to bolster our fearless leaders at times…..
" I understand" he said and pulled me into a gentle embrace. Then he gently stroked my hair and continued, "you have been a big help Maeve. I will manage from here." He released me and turned to go. Just as he reached the door he stopped suddenly, as if aware that he was leaving on too tender a note. He called back over his shoulder, " I expect my usual cut of the crematorium profits and an explanation of why we are suddenly into the business of disposing of bodies" I saw the web of distraction that had clouded him this evening disappear and flicker of realization shine in his eye as he said the last sentence. Not wanting to invite that flicker to grow into a spot light, I hastened to answer.
" Of course" He nodded, and then he was gone.