FOUR

I watched as she scrambled for her clothes, putting them on hurriedly.

I'd fucked up.

"B...can we talk about this?" I asked, sitting up in the bed where we'd just had sex and feeling like my world was ending.

"There's nothing to talk about." She muttered but her voice shook as she quickly pulled on her boots and searched for her jacket.

"Where's my damn jacket?" She mumbled to herself.

"Buffy."

The use of her full name made her stop her search and look at me.

I licked my lips nervously.

"I'm...I'm sorry. It just came out. I don't know what I was thinking, I just know-"

"Are you?" She said, unterrupting me.

"What?" I asked softly.

"Are you in love with me?"

My top lip curled back over my teeth in a half broken smile.

How did you respond to something like that? The truth? Or did you continue to live a lie because it would be easier than admitting to anything that could get your heart broken?

Buffy didn't feel like me. She didn't love me like I loved her and I knew that, so what would be the point in putting my heart on the line only to watch her crush it infront of my face?

No. I may have been careless with what I'd revealed but I wasn't a complete idiot.

I straightened, forcing myself to put that guard up again. Make sure I was protected.

"Would it matter if I was?" I asked instead.

B's face remained like stone, her hazel eyes going dark as she stared at me.

"You're not answering my question."

I didn't want to either.

I stood, taking the sheet with me and wrapping it around myself.

"Get out." I said firmly.

"Faith, I just wanna know-"

"I don't want to talk about this, Buffy. Now just...just leave."

She was stubborn and she stayed where she was. She folded her arms as her lips set into a tight line.

"No. I don't think I will. You were right the first time, we do need to talk about this."

I raked my hair back, wishing I was anywhere but here. I wanted her to walk out, without looking back but she didn't...She stood there, just staring at me as though her eyes boring into me were enough to make me crack.

And I did.

"You wanna know the truth, B?"

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't." She snapped.

My jaw tightened with the clenching of my teeth. God I was so angry! I wanted to lash out, hit something, anything! But the closest thing to me was her and I couldn't hit her. No matter what she did to me, I could never hurt her like that.

My eyes slowly met her's.

"I'm in love with someone I can't have. I know that. It's sad and pathetic and I've told you that with us it's just sex and hey, maybe for you it is but for me? It's a fantasy I get to re-live every night I'm with you."

Her lips parted and it looked like she wanted to say something. It would be better if she didn't. If she just turned around and left.

But this was Buffy and she always had something to say.

"Faith..."

Here it comes.

"I care about you, a lot but-"

"You don't feel the same. It's ok, I get it." I said, cutting her off. I didn't need to hear her say it. I didn't want to hear her say it.

"It's just that-"

"Listen, B. I uh...I can't-I can't do this right now. I told you what you wanted to know. That's it."

She nodded her head slowly, finally relenting.

"Ok...maybe tomorrow...we could talk?"

I shrugged.

"Maybe."

She turned towards the door then stopped. I watched as her shoulders tensed and she turned around.

"I know this probably isn't what you wanna hear right now but it's only fair that I tell you; I was going to tell you that tonight...it-this, has to be our last night together."

I looked up at her. As if she couldn't break my heart enough.

"Ok." I said, trying to cover how I really felt.

"It's just...I'm-I'm kinda seeing Angel again. We're being careful though. He won't be losing his soul this time." She added hurriedly, as though this new little bit of information would make me feel any better.

I scratched the back of my head, feeling like someone had punched me in the face and sent me reeling into a whirlpool all at once.

I forced a smile onto my face but it was tight and I could tell that she knew I was faking it.

"That's...great. I hope it works out."

"Faith, you don't have to-"

"No, it's cool. I hope it works out. I really do."

Every word was a lie but it was enough to send her away and after she was done staring at me, deciding whether to make me talk some more or not, she left and I slumped down on the floor beside my bed and cried for the first time since I could remember.

I didn't know how to handle how I felt so I did what I felt was best. I stayed away from B.

I learnt her routine so I could avoid her. I hit all the cemeteries either before or after she did and I stayed out longer so that I knew had gone home.

Because of our Slayer connection, I could sense when she was near and this made it easier with the whole avoiding her thing.

One night, my solo patrol took me near Angel's mansion.

I got the stabbing pain all over again and my eyes filled up. I wiped at my cheeks angrily.

No. This wasn't me. I didn't get all weepy over some girl. This was stupid.

I watched as I saw a shadow on the wall and I knew that he was there. But was she with him? If she was, I couldn't do this.

I had never met Angel but I wanted to. I wanted to see what he had that kept her going back time after time.

I stopped myself as I looked at his front door.

If I told him how I felt and why, that would put B directly in it and he probably didn't know about what had happened between us or even what we used to do and how close we'd become.

But why doesn't he know? My brain taunted.

I frowned. I really didn't wanna get into this.

You know why...she's ashamed of you. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have worked so hard to hide you from them. Think about it, when was the last time you'd properly seen her friends? Talked to them? Hung out with them? You haven't. Not since all this started.

Face it, she's ashamed of you and you're worried about protecting her?

You are a whole 'nother level of pathetic!

My fists clenched at my sides and I stormed up to the front of Angel's mansion.

I went straight in, the door banging against the wall as I announced my presence.

Angel-I assumed that was him with the dark hair and brooding expression- stood, facing me calmly and putting the book down that he'd been reading.

A small knowing smile touched his lips. He knew who I was.

"You must be Faith. It's good to finally meet you." He said pleasantly.

I was still angry and I sneered at him.

"It won't be when you hear what I've got to tell you." My voice was like a growl.

He looked at me expectantly.

"There's something you should know about your little girlfriend."

His expression gave nothing away.

"She-" I stopped as the girl in question stepped forward. How had I not sensed that she'd be here?

Your anger blinds you to everything.

"Faith?"

She said my name like a question, but I could see the pleading in her eyes.

She knew why I was here and she was silently begging me not to say anything.

my gaze flickered from her to Angel and back again before coming to rest on Angel.

"Your girlfriend...she-she needs to take it easy out there, man. She's really been putting pressure on herself...I'm worried she could get hurt." I finished lamely.

Angel's smile grew by a fraction of an inch.

"It's good that you show concern for Buffy and I'm glad she has a friend like you to watch her back."

Aprroval from the boyfriend, that's all I needed. I thought with an inner eye roll.

I shoved my hands into the back pockets of my jeans and backed away.

"That's all I needed to say. Great to meet ya, by the way."

My attention then turned to the blonde.

"B, I'll see ya round."

I let out a breath as I left Angel's mansion. God I was such an idiot!

I patted my pockets, hoping those cigarettes I'd taken from the shop early this morning was still there. I felt the box and pulled one out, lighting it up and sucking in the smoke to calm me down a little.

I heard footsteps behind me but didn't turn around. Now I was calming down and my anger had dissipated, I could sense it was her.

"Faith."

I turned around, blowing smoke out into the night air.

"What d'you want?" I asked but the hard edge to my voice was gone.

"I just wanted to say...thanks...for not saying anything to Angel about us."

I took another drag and blew it out again.

"It's cool. I was covering my own ass as much as yours'." I lied.

She nodded.

"I know but it-it meant a lot."

"Don't mention it."

I stubbed the cigarette out under my boot as I threw it down to the ground.

"I know you've been avoiding me, Faith. I just wanted you to know...you don't have to do that. We can still be friends."

I laughed at that. I couldn't help it, it was the first reaction that came to mind.

She flinched and took a step back, her nose wrinkling slightly.

"What's so funny?"

"You still wanna be friends?" I asked through my laughter.

She nodded her head slowly but said nothing.

The laughter died on my lips and my face lost the light expression as my eyes darkened and my lips grew tight across my bared teeth.

"I don't."

"No...you don't mean that. You said that you-"

"Said what? I don't remember saying anything to you." I was lying through my teeth and she knew it, hell, she was there when I'd said it!

"You said that you...you said you were in love with me."

I gave her a blank look.

"Nope. I don't remember saying that."

"No you did, you-"

"Look, B. Get this through your head; I don't love you, I never did and I sure as hell don't wanna be your friend."

Tears filled the blonde's eyes and I forced myself to stay where I was.

Her voice shook as she spoke to me.

"Why are you lying to me?"

"Because I've figured it out, B. Honesty is not always the best policy. I mean look at what I did. I opened up to you, bared my heart and you spat on it! I feel crushed everyday. I avoid you because I can't stand to be around something I can't have. I'm only still in Sunnydale because you're here, and even though I can't be around you, the fact that I live in the same town as you...it's enough. It's not what I want but it's enough."

Tears fell down Buffy's cheeks and unlike me, she didn't make an effort to hide them.

"Faith...I never meant to cause you so much pain. It was just meant to be a way that we could release some pent up frustration after patrol but if I knew how you felt, I swear I would never have-"

I glared at her.

"You're telling me you didn't know?"

Her eyes darted from side to side.

Bitch. She had known.

"Well I didn't know for sure-"

"But you suspected." I cut in.

Buffy licked her lips and shuffled from one foot to the other.

"I thought I was seeing things that wasn't there. I convinced myself that I was wrong."

"But you wasn't sure. Not one hundred percent."

"No-"

"And you went ahead with it anyway."

She frowned at me then.

"You're the one who said it was just sex! Nothing else, you said! No feelings, we both walk away unscathed! So you were lying to me too!"

"Oh as if I could ever have told you the truth! The only reason you found out at all was because I was getting the best fuck of my life and it slipped out!"

"So you never would've told me?" B asked.

"You're damn right I wouldn't!"

B shook her head.

"No, I don't believe you. It would've come out sooner or later and you would have expected me to fine with it."

I moved into her personal space.

"I would never have told you how I felt. Never. You're too wrapped up in Angel to notice the difference anyway and by the way, I know he's got a soul an' all but he's still a vampire. Do you realise how fucked up that is?"

Buffy's jaw tightened and I knew I'd crossed a line.

"It works. We love each other." She gritted out.

"Yeah but you can't be together like a regular couple. That's gotta sting, and one day, he won't be able to take it. He'll leave you and I know you, B. You're making the best out of a bad situation and just waiting for the day when he ends it and you know he will."

She delt a hard slap to the side of my face and my head snapped to the left.

I tasted blood and raised my hand to lips; my fingers came away stained with blood.

"Touched a nerve, did I?" I taunted.

"You know nothing about me and Angel. I love him and he loves me and we will find a way to make it work."

I shrugged.

My face was stinging and I wanted to be away from her.

"Whatever. But when he ends it-and you know he will-you know where I'll be."

You know that horrible feeling you get when you've realised you've fallen for someone?

You're watching them talk to someone across from you and all of a sudden you smile or laugh at something funny they've said and then it hits you...it hits you hard and then things become strange but peaceful. Especially when they are completely clueless to how you feel.

On one hand, it feels a little forbidden, having a secret that only you know and on the other hand, it's destroying you that they don't know. But maybe that's not what destroys you, maybe it's the sick feeling you get that sits low in your stomach when you think about the possibility that if you were to admit how you felt, they could reject you and that fucks you up more than anything ever could.

So what do you do?

You play pretend and you live a lie. Of course, there's always some observant outsider who calls you on it and you always deny it, you lie through your teeth because you couldn't bare the thought of them finding out.

Part of you, a very big part, wants to tell them because some little delusional part of you thinks or more accurately, hopes, that they'll smile, hug you and tell you they've been feeling exactly the same thing.

Then you start a relationship with them which is all sunshine and roses and you live happliy ever after, right? Isn't that the way it's supposed to go? Everyone gets their happy ending?

Here's some cold hard truth for ya, not everyone gets their happy ending.

Instead, they get to watch the one they're in love with, meet and fall in love with someone who's not you and it breaks you, but you have to smile and act happy for them because if they knew, it could tear apart everything you've built.

So you attend stupid little outings with them, you talk to their significant other and act like you're so happy that the person you're in love with has found the love of their life when inside you're sitting there, watching them making eyes at each other and mentally stabbing yourself for not being brave enough to speak up or for being stupid enough to stick around and watch what you are sure, is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Luckily, I wasn't stupid enough to sit around and watch as B made her life work with Angel in it.

He'll break her heart, I know he will.

Anyway, I stayed away. Far away, and got on with my own thing.

Every now and again, when I went out to get some cleaning stuff or take-out, I would see him walking hand in hand with her and I'd keep a low profile and duck into the nearest, darkest alley I could find until they'd gone. But when I re-appeared, I saw B look back. She always knew I was there and because of the Slayer connection, that was something that couldn't and wouldn't change.

I saw her patrolling with him. They would take on vampires together while I hunted alone. I felt like I'd been cast aside and it hurt like a bitch.

One night, I'd made up my mind and decided to leave.

I was packing and was just finishing zipping up my duffel bag when a light knock came at my door.

I frowned at the door, no one came around here.

I slipped a small hunting knife into my back pocket and opened the door.

"B."

The blonde stood on my doorstep. Her eyes were smudged with mascara, she'd been crying.

I tried not to let myself feel anything as I looked at her. God, she was a mess.

"Can I...can I come in?" She sobbed.

I nodded and stood to the side, as she walked in.

I checked that no one else was around before I shut the door and turned to face her, arms folded.

"What can I do for ya?" I asked, a little flippant I know but I wasn't supposed to care, remember?

"It's Angel...he...he's gone."

No suprise there.

"Gone-dead-gone or gone-left-town-gone?"

"Left...left-town-gone." She sobbed and started crying again.

"What...what happened?" I asked, my tone softening a little.

"He said that...he said he couldn't give me a normal life and I said I didn't want a normal life, I only wanted him but he said it wasn't enough, that he'd stopped loving me and...that...that was it." She babbled through her tears.

I raked my hair back and sighed.

"Shit, B. That's rough."

She nodded in agreement.

Before I knew what she was doing, she'd closed the gap between us and wrapped her arms around my waist, holding me to her.

"Uh, B, I don't think that you should-"

"I need you, Faith." She sobbed, her mascara staining my white tank top.

"Uh...Buffy, isn't there someone you can talk to about this rather than me? What about Willow?"

She shook her head.

"She's out with Oz."

"Xander?"

"Uh uh. Out with Cordelia."

"Giles? Your mom? A neighbour?"

God I was grasping at straws here.

She frowned up at me but didn't let go.

"I only wanna talk to you anyway. Do you...do you not want me here?"

"I just don't think it's a good idea. I can't...be around you, and you're upset so you're not thinking clear-"

She kissed me then and I felt the desperation in it.

I broke it and stepped out of her hold, pushing her away slightly.

"Please...I know you're hurt but don't do this to me."

The dark tear stains on her cheeks had dried as she stalked towards me.

"Isn't this what you wanted? Angel gone? I'm here and you know what I want."

I backed up until my back hit the door.

"Buffy, please. I didn't want Angel to hurt you-"

"But you wanted him gone."

"It wouldn't have made any diference. You can't change who you are or what you want and you're only here now hoping for some form of cold comfort and Buffy...I can't give it to you. You'd only wake up regretting what we did."

She placed a hand just above my heart and grinned up at me.

"I want you, Faith. Aren't you gonna take advantage?"

I shook my head.

"No."

"But you want to. I can feel it. Your heart's racing."

I grabbed her hand and pushed it down and away from me.

"I said no."

"Your eyes are telling me something very different, Faith."

I closed them and raised my head as I felt her lips on my neck.

"Buffy...no, we shouldn't. You don't really want this."

I felt her fingers tightened around my neck and my eyes snapped open.

"No more talking."

I clamped my lips together as B grinned up at me.

"Don't worry, baby. I'll make this so good for you."

Oh God, I was going to hell.