"I can't do it Finn, I literally can't raise the clippers high enough, it's like some unknown force is pulling my hand back."
Finn looked at Rachel's once full and stunning hair, it had fallen away in patches, leaving big gaps of visible scalp. He knew she should have shaved it in the beginning, like ripping off a band aid, but Rachel had a weird connection to her hair. She washed it seven days a week, brushed it 100 times a night like Marcia Brady and marinated her head in deep conditioners and cream rinses until it shined like satin. She loved her hair and now she had to shave it all off. He loved Rachel's hair too, but he hardly loved it enough to see her as any less beautiful without it.
"Give them to me, I'll do it." Finn said.
"Don't say that so loud, what's left of my hair can hear you." She said, reluctantly handing him the clippers.
She squeezed her eyes shut as he turned on the clippers, just the sound of them made her flinch. The first cut was the hardest, it was one long stroke from the back of her head to the center. After that it was easier, he shaved one patch of her hair after another until her long chestnut locks laid on the floor. She exhaled sharply, as if she hadn't been breathing the whole time.
"How bad is it?" she said, her eyes still closed.
"Take a look" He said, handing her a mirror. She timidly opened her eyes and looked into it, speechless. "I have to say, not every girl can pull off the Vin Diesel look but you're rocking it"
Rachel smiled and wiped the tears from her face. "You are so not funny."
Finn kissed the top of his wife's newly bald head and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "You're smokin' hot babe, don't ever forget it."
Rachel had told Finn that she would be strong for him, and part of her meant it, but a much larger part was still absolutely scared shitless. She loved Finn more than anything and all she wanted was to get better so she could spend the rest of her life with him, but she couldn't help but fear that getting better wasn't in the cards. Most people with Leukemia died from it, and the odds of surviving it twice were even lower. It was a simple fact, but she couldn't tell Finn that, even though she was certain he already knew. She had to let him hold on to the hope that everything would work out, all the while she wholeheartedly believed that it wouldn't. Why can't he just face it? She thought, then maybe keeping up a brave front wouldn't be so damn hard.
"Were here Rachel" Finn said, waking Rachel with a start. She opened her eyes to see Finn's old house, the Hudson-Hummels were all gathered outside awaiting their arrival.
"Finn, Rachel my god." Carole cried, embracing them both as they exited the car. "Look at you two" she continued, starting to tear up.
"Mom it's okay it's not like you've never seen us before" Finn said, hugging his mother.
"Well it feels like we haven't, you've been gone so long" Burt said. "I just wish you were here under better circumstances, how are you doing sweetheart?" He continued, turning his glance to Rachel.
"I'm dying and completely terrified and miserable" she thought "I'm hanging in there" she said instead.
"Of course you are, no step daughter in law of mine is going to give up without a fight."
"I have to say I've always thought your features were a bit severe to pull off a Pixie cut." Kurt chimed in "But I must say this look is very becoming."
Usually that would have made Rachel smile. She was always self conscious about her short hair, and even though everyone told her how good it looked she knew that Kurt was the only one she could trust to be honest about it. But his assurance was hardly enough to make her forget how completely everything had fallen apart.
"Don't get too attached, I'm starting chemo again soon. What little I have will be gone." Rachel said, nervously fussing with the hair at the nape of her neck.
"Pity, well we're just going to have to get you a decent lace-front wig" Kurt said.
"What is this a Goddamn beauty parlor?" Burt teased, "Get inside, all of you. You've had a long drive."
"Where's the kid Kurt?" Finn said slapping his step-brother on the back as they entered the house.
"Elliott's at home with him. But you can see him tomorrow when Mercedes comes by to see Rachel, it's her day tomorrow."
"I still can't believe you guys have a son together" Rachel said, happy not to be the focus of conversation.
"And I fully expect you to stick around long enough to have the two gay dads heart to heart with him." Kurt said touching her shoulder.
Rachel smiled weakly, no matter what she said she couldn't avoid the overwhelming encouragement-speak that came with having cancer. She knew they meant well, but it was a little tough to take sometimes.
"Well yeah, I guess I can't impart much wisdom to an 18 month old" Rachel said.
"You'd be surprised, that kid is a genius" Burt said. "He kicked a Nerf football like twelve feet the other day."
"Of course I end up raising a jock" Kurt said, rolling his eyes.
"I can't wait to see him" Rachel said.
"Well, you two will have your own one day, I'm sure of it" Carole said, rubbing Rachel's arm.
"Yeah" Rachel said. "I hope so."
"Well I know so." Carole continued. Rachel wanted to scream, why did everyone have to be so damn optimistic?
"Wow, you know I'm pretty tired, I really want to catch up and everything, but I think I'm going to try to get some rest" Rachel said.
"But you slept all the way here" Finn protested.
"I know it's the weirdest thing" Rachel said, yawning.
"Well, that's okay I'll take help you with your luggage" Burt said, grabbing Rachel's bags.
"She's kind of been through a lot" Finn said apologetically to his mother and Kurt before following Rachel and Burt to their room.
"Rachel, is everything okay?" Finn said as he sat down on the bed next to her. "You seemed kind of short back there."
"I'm fine" Rachel said unconvincingly. She lay down on her side, facing away from him so he couldn't see the tears in her eyes.
Finn lay down behind her and stroked her hair. "Are you sure?"
"Finn, I have cancer, that's the reality of the situation, but aside from that I'm peachy. Now can we please just get some sleep?"
"Rachel what about before? What about what we talked about?"
"I'm not going to try to kill myself if that's what you're asking."
"That's not what I'm asking, I just don't get why you're mad at me all of a sudden."
"I'm not mad, I'm exhausted. Can we please talk about this in the morning?" She grabbed another pillow and placed it over her head, blocking out Finn's voice, blocking out everything.
It's going to be a rough couple of chapters, but I promise things will get better. It's Finn and Rachel for God's sake. I can't make them too miserable.