And Then There Were Two

Chapter Four

Fear. Fear is everywhere. It's the first thing on our minds when we wake up in the morning and worry about how we're going to pay our bills. It's flashing across the sky when we drive down the freeway and there's some crazy person going ninety and weaving in and out of traffic. It consumes us when we're laying down at night and we hear a noise in the darkness. It's the sort of thing that can drive us to do great things, or the sort of thing that can consume us and convince as that we're going out of our minds. Fear can live within us, or it can live for us. Some people can work with fear, can ignore fear. Others can't. Some of us have too much fear, so much fear that we can't breathe. Sometimes too many bad things happen, and fear becomes who we are. Some of us are afraid to breathe.

"Hey." A soft smile was on Derek's lips. For the first time since the previous morning, there was something other than a frown on his face. He was still there, stretched out on the chair next to her bed, staring at the clock. There had been little sleep overnight. So yes, he was exhausted. He was too tired to even keep his eyes open. It wasn't just the lack of sleep that was getting to him though. He was used to that, to going days on end without ever really closing his eyes. It was the fear, the worry, the vision of Meredith fighting for the life of their baby, in pain. Meredith was sick, their baby was sick, her pregnancy was on the line, and he hurt. Physically now, he hurt. It was probably the overnight in the chair, he figured, that had left a dull ache in his chest behind his healed incision, but it was bugging him nonetheless. And emotionally, he was a wreck. Derek, the chief, the one in charge, was a wreck. He had spent a lot of time thinking that night, about Mr. Clark, about his fight to live, about picking up the pieces of his hospital, about the lives lost. And on top of all of that, he had Meredith there, sick. It was all starting to take a toll on his usual solid sense of reality and togetherness.

"Hey." Meredith was glad to see that he seemed to be a bit better. Still off, but better. He was worried though, and she understood that. After watching him almost die, she understood him being worried. On top of breathing through the contractions that had continued for a few more hours, she'd spent hours battling an intense headache and nausea, both common side-effects of the strong IV antibiotics she was on.

"How are you feeling?" He ran his hand over her hair, relieved when he realized her forehead wasn't quite as hot as it had been a few hours ago. She was his focus now. His fear could wait, his worry could wait, his pain, it could wait too.

"No contractions." Meredith had a bit of a smile on her face when she heard the words come out of her own mouth. "No contractions for a while now, right?" It was a question, considering how out of it she had been from medications and the exhaustion that had begun to plague her.

"Right." Derek was happy to be able to put those fears to rest for her. Her contractions had stopped a couple of hours ago. Addison had even gone to the on call room to get some sleep, which he figured was a good sign considering she had hovered for the first four hours she was there. "How are you feeling, otherwise?"

"Okay, I guess. Still have a bit of a headache." She lifted her head off the pillow to glance over at the clock."Still sick to my stomach, too. But no contractions, so that's good. Maybe I can go home." She knew it was a request that was almost laughable, but she made it anyway. As sick as she was, she just wanted to get out of the hospital and into her own bed. It was hard to believe something as simple as an untreated urinary tract turned kidney infection had caused all of this.

"Meredith." Derek could tell that she was just trying to be strong for him. He could tell that her words were forced, that her blatant honesty from the day before was sort of gone. "How are you really feeling?" Stupid question. You can tell by looking at her how she's feeling. Like crap.

"Not so great," She knew that it was no use lying to him. It would only earn her a conversation that ended up going around in circles, and right now she just wasn't up for it. As if on cue, she suddenly grabbed the basin that was next to her in the bed, turning on her side just in time to empty the contents of her stomach. "Like I said..."

Derek quickly took the basin from her when he was sure she had finished, setting it aside. The smell was enough to make his already nervous stomach flip a bit, but he ignored it and simply rubbed the small of her back. "We'll get you something to eat. Hopefully that will help the nausea." He was still trying to figure out how exactly she still had anything left to throw up. It would be dry heaves soon, he was sure of that. Her appetite wasn't exactly up to par.

She sighed and relaxed under his touch, closing her eyes again. "I think I'm just going to take a nap."

"Okay," He wasn't going to argue with her. She needed all the rest she could get.

Before she could drift off too far into the land of dreams, or nightmares, the door opened. Addison's heals clicked against the tiled floor, and she cautiously put a smile on her face. "Looks like we're on our way to a little miracle here." She stopped and took a few moments to study the monitor, looking back over the strips from the last couple of hours just to be sure that there hadn't been any more contractions. "To be honest with you, I wasn't really sure we would get to this point. You haven't contracted in over two hours now." Obviously, she was pleased.

"Do you think she's out of the woods?" Derek wasn't about false hope, not anymore. He wanted the facts, the reality of what they were up against. It wasn't like him. He had been through a lot.

Addison pulled on a pair of latex gloves as she thought about his question, wanting to make sure that she answered it in the right way. "Just relax. I'll be fast." She assured Meredith. It wasn't her first choice to be checking an already vulnerable cervix so much, but then again it was the only way for her to really gauge how Meredith was actually doing. "I would say that if they've stopped for this long, there's a good chance that they won't come back as long as she remains on bedrest and the antibiotics do their job."

Meredith was uncomfortable, for obvious reasons, but she didn't protest with anything Addison was doing. If it meant that the life of her baby was going to be saved, she would lie there through just about anything. Still, she squeezed Derek's hand a bit. "When can I go home?"

"Meredith." Derek frowned, glancing from her to Addison. Can't she just understand that she needs to stay? Home isn't a good place for her right now. How can she be monitored properly if she's at home?

Addison slid off her gloves and tossed them into the trash. "Your cervix is still where it was when I got here last night, which is promising. No bleeding." She shot Derek a concerned look. He needed...something. It wasn't like him, to freak out. "I'd say that if all goes well and you don't have any more problems, I'll let you go home tomorrow. I just want to be sure things don't start back up."

"That's too soon."

"Derek." The red-head frowned and turned her attention to her ex for a moment. "It's better for Meredith to be in a place where she's comfortable, somewhere that she can relax. Nobody can relax when they're in a hospital. If she's stable tomorrow and the infection is gone, I would actually prefer to send her home on oral antibiotics and get her somewhere that she can have a little peace."

"And what happens when the contractions start again, or..." He was second-guessing just about everything now.

"They won't." Meredith cut him off, frowning. "Aren't you supposed to be the positive one?" She glanced over at him.

"I'm the practical one, Mer. I don't want anything happening to you or this baby, and if that means that you have to stay here, then that's what it means." He sighed, standing. In seconds, he was actually pacing the floor a bit.

"Derek." Addison frowned and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't." He pulled away, suddenly losing what little composure he had left. "This is insane, Addison!" Now he was yelling. "Anything could happen! She can't be on monitors at home! You're asking me to just take her out of the one place where we can be sure that she and this baby are okay!"

"I'm asking you to trust me." There was a deep frown settling on her now concerned face. "And get out. I warned you, Derek. Nobody in here that can't stay calm. And you, are freaking out. So go, now."

"The hell I will."

"Derek." Meredith frowned. "Please, just go. My head's killing me. If you're going to yell..."

With a frustrated sigh and a quick look from one to another, he walked out, letting the door slam behind him.

"Has he been like this? I mean, since the shooting?" Addison was concerned for the man that had always been rock solid in a crisis. Tears, she could see, but the yelling and the anger, that was new for him.

"He's been...different." Meredith sighed, fighting back tears as she realized just how far over the edge Derek was.

"You should talk to him. When you get home, the two of you need to talk. I'm worried about him."

"Yeah."

"And if I send you home tomorrow, you need to be sure that you're off your feet. And bedrest for you right now means bathroom only. Ten minute showers, and bathroom breaks. That's it. Nothing more. And pelvic rest. No sex. For the next week or so." She had to change the subject, to avoid being too involved. Derek wasn't her husband. It wasn't her business.

"I'm not going to take any chances with my baby's life, if that's what you mean." Meredith wasn't going to do one single that that might cause this pregnancy to end in a miscarriage. She was determined to get a healthy, perfect, tiny, Shepherd baby out of this.

Derek paced the hallway, trying to release some of the anger and fear that was building inside of him. The nurses on the floor had heard enough of his yelling to know to avoid him, so he was luckily left on his own to deal with his demons. Suck it up. She needs you. Geez, get a grip, Shepherd.

"Addison paged me." Bailey was standing in front of him before he ever heard her coming, hands on her hips before he had a chance to protest what was about to come out of her mouth. "Said you were up here acting like a damned fool. Now that girl in there means something to me. You got that? You can't go around here throwing little two year-old temper tantrums. Otherwise you'll go to time out. Is that what you want? Time out? Because I can have someone else stay with her. She doesn't need your little fits while she's trying to get better. She's lying in that bed and you're running around here screaming like you've never learned any self control before!"

"Miranda." He wasn't quite sure what to say to her.

"Don't Miranda me." She had quite the Bailey attitude going, that was for sure. "I know you love her and you worry about her, but your going to have to get a grip if you want to go back in there with her."

"I..."

"Did I say you could talk? I'm still speaking." Once again, she cut him off. "And that's why I've arranged for you to talk to someone."

He was confused. Talk to who? About what? "What?"

"A therapist, you fool! Obviously you've got some things you need to deal with. Now." She pushed him down the hall toward the elevator. "Floor three, office 322. I'll stay with her until you get back. And don't worry. I booked you the whole morning. You'll need it." She muttered under her breath. "Can't even act like a civilized adult...girl almost losing her baby..."

He went. Bailey meant business. And she was right. He needed it, even if he would never admit it. There were things that needed to be said, fears that needed to be discussed, tears that needed to fall, anger that needed to be released. For him, for them both, for their baby.

** GA ** GA ** GA **

Another day in the hospital left Meredith, by some miracle, in stable enough condition to be released. There hadn't been any more concerns of white blood cell count had dropped significantly back toward normal, and she was feeling like herself again.

There were strict orders for her to follow, but Addison felt comfortable that under the extremely protective watch of Derek, she would be okay to rest at home for the next couple of weeks until they decided where to go from there. If she got to fifteen weeks, Addison felt comfortable enough letting her work a little, but she knew that was a crap shoot. Meredith could easily spend the next six months watching the minutes go by on her bedroom clock. Despite her concern and the very fresh stability in her patient, the red-headed miracle worker had gone back to Los Angeles, promising to return if there were any problems and definitely within a few weeks to check on her progress. She had also recommended a highly sought-after OB-GYN who dealt only with referred women who were high risk pregnancies, but Derek had been unwilling to trust anyone else yet. She didn't blame him. At least he was calm, and level-headed. That was a start.

"How long do you plan on babysitting me?" Meredith laughed a bit as she looked at Derek who had just finished rearranging the pillows behind her back.

"As long as it takes to make sure that you and this baby are both doing well." He sat down on their bed with her, glancing at the clock. "Are you hungry? I could make you a sandwich or something?" The therapy visit had done wonders for him. Granted, Rome wasn't built in a day, but he at least felt like he was partially sane again.

Now she really was laughing, shaking her head. "You asked me that an hour ago, remember? I'm just tired, that's all."

"I just want to make sure you have everything you need, Mer."

"Everything I need is right here." She smiled and laid down, resting her head on the pillow before rolling onto her side to look at him. "I tell you what you could do, though. You could take a nap with me. It might do us both some good."

He wasn't about to argue, even if there wasn't a single bone in his body that was tired. "Okay." Derek moved a couple of pillows around before laying down next to her, running his hand over her arm.

"You're going to have to go back to work at some point. You know that, right? I mean, the hospital can't just run itself." She closed her eyes and settled into his arms. As much as she wanted him there with her, she knew that the reality was there was no way he could take much more time off.

"I'm still trying to figure that out." His answer was honest, without hesitation. Derek knew his wife's concerns were true. Even if she was fresh out of the hospital from a scare that had left him in a therapists office, twice, he knew he had to get back to his job soon. "There's got to be someone here to stay with you."

"I could go with you."

"Go with me, where?" He wasn't quite following her.

"To the hospital. When you go back. You have that nice couch, the one that I made you move, the one we've..."

He chuckled. "I do, have that couch. And I could really keep an eye on you there, make sure you aren't becoming a rebel," He teased. After all the arguing he did about her coming home so soon, Derek was shocked at how relieved and relaxed he was in his own house. There was just something about seeing her sleeping in their own bed and not in some hospital bed with wires everywhere that made him feel like everything was going to be okay.

"And it would be fun. We could play pretend. You can be my hot, sexy doctor, and I'll be the weak, innocent patient." She grinned suggestively before planting a kiss on his lips. "What do you say, Dr. Shepherd?"

"I say that sounds..." He groaned in frustration, pulling his lips away from hers when his pager went off. "I should probably see who that is." He rolled over, grabbing the black device from the bedside table. "Crap."

"I'm guessing that means you're leaving sooner than we thought?" Meredith watched him. She was reassured too, now that she was off of all the medications, and now that she wasn't hurting anymore. Neither one of them were naive enough to believe though that they were out of the woods or that things were suddenly going to be easy, but they did have a tad bit of hope, which was more than they had a couple of days ago. She still wasn't feeling as well as she wanted to, but it was certainly better than the misery she had recently been in.

"Looks like it." He stood, clipping his pager to his side, watching her. "You're coming with me."

"I could just, stay here and sleep. I'm an adult you know."

"I could be gone all night. You aren't supposed to be getting out of bed." His reminder was gentle, but firm. "I'll make you a nice cozy little corner in my office."

"Whatever you say, Dr. Shepherd." She put on her best acting voice, her words breaking at the end a bit though as she giggled.

"You're like a little girl. You know that, right?" He laughed and walked over to her.

"I could stop. We could just be Meredith and Derek. Boring, no fun. No flirting, no touching. I mean, we could do that. If you wanted. Because..."

"Let's not get too crazy." He grinned and leaned down, kissing her. "A little fun never hurt anyone." Without warning, he slid both arms under her and scooped her up, holding her like he had the day he had carried her over the thresh-hold of the house that was still being decorated, the house he had built for them. For their children.

"I don't think you should be..." Meredith started to protest him lifting her, but he cut her off.

"Bedrest means no walking." Still, he winced at the tug in his chest as he walked toward the starts with her. Was it supposed to still hurt this much? It wasn't like he was lifting weights. It was his wife. It was Meredith. She wasn't heavy.

"And heart surgery means no lifting." Her head remained on his shoulder though, despite her protesting.

"I'm fine, Mer, really." He wasn't.

"You're such a terrible liar. You should work on that, you know. I mean, just in case you need those skills one day." She smiled a bit, though she was definitely worried about him. Just as much as he hated to see her in pain, she felt the same way about him.

"I'll try to do that, for you." He managed to get her to the car, carefully putting her in the passenger's seat. By then the pulling had turned from a dull ache to fiery burning, and he rubbed his chest with a soft and barely audible groan.

"Derek." Meredith frowned, noticing the look of pain that was written in his eyes.

He didn't give her a chance to notice anymore, just shut her door and went around to the other side of the car. "I'm fine, really." He got in, purposefully avoiding looking in her direction. She could see straight through him, he knew that.

"You aren't fine, really." She sighed, looking over at him. "You can't do that again, Derek. You're going to hurt yourself. And if you have a surgery to do..."

"I know, Mer. I know." He finally looked at her as he backed out of the driveway, wanting to reassure her that it wasn't that bad. "Just hurts, like hell, but that's because I'm not used to the lifting. That's all. It will stop in a minute. I promise."

"Still. No more lifting. Okay?" She knew he was right, that he was okay. But it didn't help with how much it bothered her to see him hurting.

"Okay." He smiled and reached over, taking her hand as he drove toward Seattle Grace.

*Revised/Reworked 6/2017