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CHAPTER FOUR
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Thursday evening
0325 ZULU - 2325 Local
Harm's apartment
North of Union Station
Washington, D.C.

Oh my God! Cole is in the hospital. He's had a car accident and they don't know yet if he's gonna make it. My whole world just collapsed around me in the space of a few seconds. Just like a mirror that breaks into a billion pieces. My heart feels like it did, too.

I can't think straight. I do remember one thing, though. Right after I begged Harm not to leave me alone he told me not to worry. He took me gently by the shoulders and asked me to look at him. To look him in the eyes, and I did. "I'm going to take you home with me, so I'll be there if you need anything. Everything is going to be okay," Harm said in a firm but gentle voice.

I was still scared to death, but felt a little relieved. I knew somehow that from now on, I wouldn't be alone anymore. Then something at the back of my mind tinkled.

Wings.

I needed to get my dog first. I'd left Wings with my neighbors a couple of minutes before Harm had picked me up.

My neighbors are a sweet couple, John and Elizabeth Mitchell; John is a retired cabinetmaker and Elizabeth has been a florist for thirty years. They've been very nice to me since the day I moved into my house here in Annapolis. They take care of my dog for me when I'm not at home.

Harm took care of everything, just before we left "Le Goût D'Auvergne", or at least I think that's the name of the restaurant, I'm not sure... As I said, suddenly I couldn't think straight, my brain didn't function anymore. It just stopped. I only managed to get out, "Wings." Harm looked me in the eyes again and said, "Don't worry. We'll go get him."

We dropped by at John and Elizabeth's house to get Wings, and Harm brought me to his apartment. I'm not really sure of how I got in here, I guess he must have carried me, because since that phone call I've been unable to do things on my own. I'm shaking way too much. My mind is in a fog. All I know is that my best friend since high school is fighting for his life, and I can't do anything to help him. I feel so helpless...

I don't know how, but I've managed to wheel myself to the window. I stare outside for a minute; then I take my glasses off. Silent tears are rolling down my cheeks. I suddenly feel something heavy on my lap, and it takes me a few seconds to realize that it is my dog's head. I squeeze it gently. "It's okay, honey. I'm fine. Really." Apparently, this doesn't sound too convincing 'cause Wings doesn't move an inch. He even comes closer to me.

I want to fight my tears, but the wave of emotions I feel is too much and I end up letting them out for good. Wings, empathizing with me, makes little noises. Harm must have heard them because he enters the room a few seconds later. My golden retriever goes straight to him.

"What is it?" Harm pats my dog. "Do you want me to go to her? Is that what you want to tell me? Okay, I'm coming."

The dog comes back to me again. Harm bends down next to me. "Kare?"

I don't answer. I'm ashamed of myself. Harm should not see me like this. I really wish I could be stronger, but right now, I can't. He says my name again. Now there seems to be a little plea in his voice, and all I can do is turn my head and look at him.

The look in his eyes tells me that Harm is concerned. Sad to see me like that, maybe?

"Sorry..." my voice trails off.

He comes a little closer to me and gently puts his hand on my back. I know he does not want to scare me off. He is still looking at me, but there is something different in his eyes right now, a question: the permission to hug me. And this time all I can do is snuggle against him and repeat, "I'm sorry, Harm."

"Don't be, Kare. Don't be... it's okay. Everything's gonna be fine," he says in a low voice, caressing my hair. He tightens his embrace a little.

I cry in his arms like a baby for a long moment, before untangling myself carefully from his arms. Then I look at him and murmur, "Thanks." I'm so grateful that he didn't ask me anything. He just let me cry holding me in his embrace.

"You look tired. Do you want to lie down a little bit?" he inquires.

"No, thanks, Harm," I reply. "I'd rather sit on the couch."

"Okay," he concedes. "How about a nice cup of camomile tea? Might make you feel better, soothing virtues and such. What do you say?"

"Yes, why not."

"Camomile tea is on its way, then. Do you need anything else first?"

"Well... Normally I wouldn't ask you to help me, but..." I look down a little ashamed. "...But could you help me to get onto the couch?" I cannot believe what I just did. Normally, I would never have asked anyone to help me, I'm too proud for that. I'd rather stay in my chair than ask, but right now, I just need his help. But I'm not quite sure that the only thing I need from Harm is his help. I need something else from him - I need his touch, his arms around me... I feel safe in them.

'Don't say that, Kare, you can never be safe in the arms of a man,' my inner voice reminds me.

I wheel myself to the couch and pull the brakes.

"Just tell me what to do, okay?" he says.

I ask Harm to stand in front of me so he'll be able to hold my hands. This way I'll be steady enough to make a few steps and sit. Harm comes and stands in front of me, holding out both his hands towards me. I put my hands in his and the contact makes me shiver slightly. If Harm notices something he doesn't let it on. I'm slowly standing up. And when I'm fully up, our gazes lock for a few endless seconds. There is something that shines in his eyes. If I didn't know better I would say it is... No... It's impossible... And then suddenly, my knees fail their service. "Damn it!" I shout out before I realize it.

Luckily Harm catches me, and I end up in his arms. "It's okay, Kare, I've got you." He smiles. Then, Harm carefully helps me to get onto the couch. He looks at me one last time and goes back to preparing the tea. I can still see him because there are no walls that separate the kitchen from the living room. Harm pushes the button of the electric kettle, then walks over to his stereo and takes the remote control I recognize Joe Cocker's voice when it begins to fill the apartment. "Is the music okay?"

The song playing right now is 'N'oubliez jamais,' one of my favorites. "I love Joe Cocker," I tell Harm, "Especially this song." But then, through the music, I can hear something else. I hear the water that's boiling in the kettle and suddenly I feel like I'm paralyzed. Hearing the water boiling brings back awful memories to me. Memories from two years ago that I'd worked so hard to forget...

'Why...? No... please, no, don't... no! Don't do that, please don't...' I beg him, but he doesn't listen to my pleas. He pours the water that's in the kettle on my right thigh... the man I love - and who I thought loved me back - has just burned me with hot water... Just because I exchanged a few smiles with another guy at the restaurant - and because he knows I can't defend myself.

I still remember everything about that night as if it were yesterday. Without giving me another look, my torturer just turned on his heel and left the house. I waited to be sure he was really gone. Then, hurting like hell and crying my soul out of my body, I wheeled myself to the bathroom and took a washcloth, wetted it with cold water and placed it on my thigh. I had had a feeling that he could be rough - but I had pushed it away. I hadn't wanted to see the man he really was, because he could be attentive and loving, and I had felt beautiful and loved. But then I couldn't ignore it any longer. Consequently, I made the most important decision of my life, and decided to leave him. He would never ever do anything to me again... but, oh, how wrong I was about that.

"Kare, is everything all right?" Harm's voice brings me back to reality. And seeing the concern on his face, I guess I must have said something out loud. I look at him and all of a sudden, I feel I want Harm to know. It's a great part of why I am who I am, and I want him to know me - really know me. I'm amazed at myself. It's not like me to confide in anyone this easily, but... I don't know... maybe it's the way he caresses me, the way he makes me feel like his arms are the most secure place in the whole world. 'Be careful, Kare!' my mind shouts out at me, but I don't give a damn. It's time for me to let go. I have to tell this to someone other than Cole. I can't take it anymore. I look at Harm, and he stands up to go back to the kitchen again. He checks if he's turned off everything and then comes back to me.

"Yes, I am fine. Don't worry," I answer, trying to sound convincing.

I desperately want to tell him my full story, but I'm scared he would back away from me, and I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. So I look at him again. The look in his eyes invites me to trust him so I take a deep breath and begin.

"Harm, I'm sorry. The noise of the boiling water just got to me. I want you to understand why, so I'm going to tell you something very personal; nobody knows that part of my past except Cole - well, actually it didn't actually happen so long ago. It happened about two years ago... Do you mind?" Anxious, I wait for his reaction.

"Not at all," he encourages me to go on.

"Two years ago I met a guy, his name was Nathan Walker. He was tall and handsome, and he had such incredible dark eyes. Nathan was very charming. I fell in love with him, not only because he was good-looking, but also because he treated me as if I were a 'normal' person. Nathan was so sweet to me at first... he always bought me a rose on each date. But when things became more serious between us, he began to change slightly.

"Nathan didn't buy me flowers anymore. He started acting roughly and was mean to me when he had a bad day, and one night..." My voice trails off a little and I feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. Wings is near me in seconds. "It's okay, hon. I'm fine," I tell the dog, while rubbing his head. I swallow, because my throat is suddenly dry and I close my eyes for a second. These memories hurt me like knives. It's been two years, but for me it's still very fresh.

Harm gets up. He heads for the fridge and takes two little bottles of water out of it. Then he comes back to me and hands me one of them, before sitting down on the couch again, keeping some distance between us. I'm thankful that he's being so attentive and thoughtful.

I take a sip, closing my eyes as the cool liquid flows down my throat. Then I open my eyes again and fix something in front of me, I don't know what exactly. Trying to focus on something... like I'm trying to forget the horrible images that are spinning in my mind - just for a few seconds, but I can't.

"Things hadn't been going very well between us," I continue, still staring in front of me, "for a couple of weeks, at least. One night, when we were having dinner together, I happened to exchange a few smiles with a young man across the room. No big deal. I was just being polite I thought. But Nathan didn't take it that lightly."

"What did he do?" Harm's question is meant to sound neutral, but the deep furrow between his eyes tells me that inside, he's tense.

I try to shrug it off, to take some of the seriousness out of the situation. "At home, he asked me what I'd had in mind, flirting with that guy. I told him I hadn't been flirting, but he didn't buy it. He asked again and again and got angry when I continued to say I'd done nothing wrong. I was making tea while we were arguing. When I was just about to pour the water into the teapot, Nathan suddenly took the kettle from me and..." I swallow.

"Tell me he didn't do what I think you're about to tell me," Harm grounds out in a low voice, his eyes boring into mine.

I can't stand the scrutiny of his eyes and focus on my hands instead that are playing with my glasses that I still didn't put back on. "He poured the water over my right leg," I tell him in a low, monotone voice. "Just to punish me, sort of. I begged him not to but he just continued, as if he didn't hear my screams. Eventually I broke down, I don't know, I think I was even unconscious for a moment. But I noticed that he just set the kettle down and left as if nothing had happened. Just like that. I'm only lucky I didn't fall out of my chair."

I fall silent, and in the calm I can hear that Harm's breathing has turned strained. I look up and see rage flaming in his eyes. Pure, merciless anger.

"Bloody bastard," he whispers, more to himself than to me.

I decide I'd rather continue. "After the hot-water incident I went to Cole's home. Back then, he was the only person I wasn't scared of."

A hint of a smile lights Harm's face, but when I look in his eyes I can see they are sad. I know why he just smiled; he understood perfectly well what I meant. I'm sure of that.

"When I arrived at Cole's," I continue, "He immediately took me to the hospital. The doctors asked me how it happened, I lied that the kettle slipped out of my hands when I put it on the table to make myself some cappuccino. The doctors seemed to believe the story - but Cole didn't really believe me, I had known that he wouldn't buy it. I've never been able to lie to my best friend.

"When the doctors left the room for a few minutes to prepare whatever was needed to treat my second-degree burn, Cole immediately started to question me. He insisted that I tell him what had really happened and he simply wouldn't take 'no' for an answer."

"That's what any reasonable friend would do," Harm states with a grim nod.

Somehow, this makes me smile a little self-consciously. "Yeah, I suppose they would. Anyway, Cole took me home with him again, and he looked after me during the next few days until I felt settled enough to go home. He was there for me when no one else was. That's why he's so special to me, and now I'm so scared I could lose him..." I shrug helplessly, my voice starting to shake afresh.

Tears are now rolling down my cheeks again. Thinking of my best friend lying in a coma and not knowing anything about his state is driving me crazy. The pain I feel is incredibly hard to bear. I'm so scared. What am I going to do if Cole leaves me alone now? I'd be lost.

Harm comes carefully closer to me and slowly puts an arm around me. I shiver slightly. He starts to back away, but I stop him by cuddling silently closer to him. Harm just answered my silent wish. I wanted him to put his arms around me. Even if I'm still afraid, I need him to be close to me. I don't really know how long we stay like this. All I know is that I could stay like this forever because I feel safe.

"Harm?" I whisper.

"Yes, honey?" comes out his soft reply.

I bite my tongue. Dammit, I shouldn't have said anything, probably. "Oh, nothing, just forget it," I murmur, avoiding his eyes.

But I could have known – Harm is just like Cole in that respect. He doesn't leave it be. And he's way too skilled an interrogator not to see there's something really heavy on my mind that I'd long to spill but don't dare to.

"No, it's not nothing," he says gently and with his finger turns my head his way, forcing me to look at him. "Did Nathan come after you?"

I feel I'm shaking but I don't want to break down completely. "Really, it's no big deal," I try feebly.

"The hell it is," Harm says a little more decidedly now. "And you know it."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to pull myself together. But just at that moment, Harm very softly says, "You can trust me, Kare." And I'm done for. Maybe, if I weren't so sick with worry, I might have held up. As it is, I don't. I silently start crying again, and it takes me a moment to realize that Harm draws me closer to him still.

"What did he do to you, hon?" he asks me in a voice that sounds like a velvety blanket that he wraps me in.

"I stayed at Cole's home from that day on," I tell him in a very low voice, all the time holding on to him for strength. "He was there most of the time. So, I thought I was relatively safe. It appeared that I was wrong. A week later, Nathan showed up at Cole's house, when he was at work. I didn't want to let him in, but he forced the door. I remember myself yelling at him to get out of the house but he didn't move an inch at first..."

I shiver violently and Harm starts to rub my shoulders, never saying a word. He just waits until I can continue. I push myself to go on. "Then, suddenly, Nathan came forward towards me. He..." I swallow. "He grabbed me and pulled me out of my chair and... and threw me on the couch and... and then he was all over me, touching me everywhere. I tried to fight him but I couldn't defend myself. And then he tried to... tried to..."

I can't say it. It's as if finishing my sentence brings the situation back. I did it once, when Cole had me report it to the police, but I can't do it again. I just can't. But I don't need to say it right now. I can feel Harm understands me perfectly.

"Luckily, there was a vase on the coffee table," I go on with my tale. "I managed to grab it and knock Nathan out. Just then, Cole came home. He locked him up in the bedroom and called the police. Nathan's in jail now," I add in a whisper.

"You didn't regret reporting him, did you?" Harm asks.

I draw a shaky breath. "I knew I was doing the right thing... but I was still in love with him, even though he had hurt me so much. You know, just before the hot-water incident, I was ready to... well... fully open up to him. You can't just erase that feeling in a few days' time. I'd never have thought he could be so cruel..." And once again, my voice cracks. The memories are still too vivid.

Again, Harm caresses my back soothingly. "Shhh, Kare. It's over now. I'm here, and Cole is going to be okay, too. He's always been there for you. And I don't think he's ready to leave now. Give them a few hours to treat him, then we'll call the hospital," he whispers into my hair. Cradling me at the same time...

I'm so tired right now, that I close my eyes but it's not to sleep. I'm just closing them to rest them a bit. All I want now is to stay in Harm's arms for a few more moments, that's all. I don't move and he waits a few minutes, then slides one of his arms under my knees and carries me to his bedroom I think. I still have my eyes shut. I feel so safe.

Harm lays me down on his bed and covers me with a blanket. I move a little and groan a little, too. Then I open my eyes because I hear him leave the room, but it's only to come back two minutes later with a small armchair. He puts it against the wall, and then makes himself comfortable, puts a small blanket over himself while he's watching me.

Harm falls asleep himself a little later. Now I'm watching him, his sleep is restless. He seems to have a bad dream or something. I can hear him murmur something but I can't make out what it is. Then suddenly, he wakes up with a jump. I smile at him. "Hey, you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Just a bad dream. Seems your traumatic experience shook me up a little, too." He grins a little self-consciously.

"Sorry I'm being indiscreet, but... what was it about? You look pretty shaken."

He wipes his face wearily. "Just my dad. Haven't had that in a long time. Who knows why it came up tonight?"

"What happened to your dad?"

Harm's expression saddens. I immediately regret asking him and actually, I don't know why I did it, because in my heart I already suspect the answer to this question. I always know when there's something wrong with the people I love...

Oh my God.

I've just admitted to myself that I actually love him.

Harm shrugs non-committally. "As I told you in court, my father was a fighter pilot, too. He flew F-4 Phantoms. And I guess I wanted to be like him ever since the very first time he took me on a carrier on open-door day. Anyway, on Christmas Eve in 1969, they came to tell my mother that my dad was missing in action. I searched for him for a long time until in 1998, I found out he died in Siberia, back in 1981. He had escaped from the gulag they'd deported him to, but didn't make it out of the Soviet Union. Still, he died a hero there, defending the woman who after his death gave birth to my half-brother Sergei. Bits of those memories tend to pop up now and then, when I see other people battling with demons from their past. Guess that's why." The expression in his eyes is self-conscious and almost apologetic.

"I'm sorry I brought up bad memories," I offer lamely, not really knowing what to say.

"After what you told me, I think you had a right to know," he replies.

I do have a bad conscience for making him feel bad, but I don't have the time to think about how to apologize, because just now, my cell phone rings. Immediately, I start to tremble again.

"Harm could you pick up the phone for me, please? I think it's in my bag on the table. That's where I left it..."

"Sure." Harm stands up, fetches my bag and takes out the electronic device.

"Thank you," I say in a low voice.

"Karin Hansson's number, Commander Rabb speaking."

I feel like my insides are being squashed by my fear. Holding my breath, I'm watching Harm listen to the caller. "Yes, I'll tell her." He suddenly smiles at me and gives me a thumbs-up. "We'll be there in ten minutes. Thank you very much." This can only mean Cole is out of danger. All of a sudden, I feel like I'm about to collapse with relief.

Harm switches off the phone and comes back to me, still smiling. "Come on, put on your coat. We're going outside."

"What? Where are we going?"

"To the hospital, Cole woke up five minutes ago, and he's asking for you."

"What?! He's awake and he wants to see me?" I'm shaking again, but this time it's not because I'm scared. This time it's from happiness and excitement to see my best friend again.

"Yes, that's what the woman from the hospital told me. So what do you say if we pay your best friend a little visit?"

"I say let's go!"

Friday morning
0631 ZULU
Howard University Hospital
Washington, D.C.

Harm offered to help me again and this time he wasn't so hesitant anymore. I have to smile, suddenly realizing that he has been there for me all the time. He has taken care of me, and when I looked into his eyes there was nothing else to see than concern for me. I know deep inside my heart that he didn't do it because he wants something in return. But there is still that little voice in my head that says, 'Be careful, Karin, Nathan was also pretty nice to you at the beginning and see what he did...'

Sometimes, I really wish I could kill this little voice, because it's getting on my nerves. Just for once, for a few hours, I would love not to hear it.

The woman Harm talked to on the phone is actually a nurse. She leads us to Cole's room. When she opens the door and I see my friend, the tough guy I've always known, lying in his hospital bed, I'm suddenly unable to fight new tears that are welling up. Seeing him with all the contusions on his face and the intravenous injection tube in his right arm he unexpectedly looks so vulnerable.

Harm slowly pushes my chair next to Cole's bed. I place my right hand on my best friend's cheek and caress it very carefully, hoping not to hurt him. "Hey, good-looking, how are you? You know, tough guy, you can pride yourself on having scared the hell out of me. What happened?"

Cole turns his head just a little bit in my direction and tries a weak smile. "Sorry, sweetie. I didn't want to scare you. It was just a stupid car accident. I was lucky, you know. Turns out my injuries looked far more dangerous than they actually are."

"Just a stupid car accident? Cole, you've been in a coma for a few hours. And don't try to tell me any silly stories. You cannot lie to me and you know it," I say, looking in his eyes. I know he's not telling me everything. And now, he looks away. There is definitely something wrong. I'm sure something happened. But I'm not going to question him now. First priority is his healing. Cole looks at me again, then looks at Harm who has not moved an inch. He is still standing behind me.

"So, is this the gorgeous guy you talked about?" he says with a teasing tone in his voice.

Goodness! He didn't just say this, did he?! I can't prevent myself from sucking in my breath very loud. Couldn't the floor just open and swallow me? Please, God!?

I mean, imagine: he's lying in a hospital bed and he's got nothing better to do than embarrass me in front of Harm. Great. Well, that's just my Cole. "Yeah, well, this is Commander Harmon Rabb from the Navy. He helped me get my job at Georgetown back. Harm, this is Cole Graham, my best friend."

"Nice to meet you, Commander."

"Nice to meet you, too, Mr. Graham."

"It's Cole, sir."

"Then it's Harm to you, Cole."

The two men shake hands and look at each other. Their eyes are locked a little too long. I feel like there's something going on between the two of them, but it's probably my imagination.

Then, Harm looks at me in that strange way of his again. I'm unable to describe this look with words and when he's looking at me like that I could just melt like snow under the sun. I can see Cole observing the two of us and I have to lower my gaze. I know what he's thinking. And I also know that he knows the truth about what I really feel for my new friend. But I'm not ready to discuss that with him, not now. I tell Cole and Harm I'll be back in a few minutes. I just need to be alone for a moment.

I leave the room. Outside, I wheel myself to the wall that separates Cole's room from the corridor I'm in now, and, blocking my wheels against the wall, I close my eyes. Oh God, what am I going to do? I'm sure Cole knows everything. He knows how I feel about Harm...

I open my eyes again when I hear the voices of my two friends.

"So, you're in the Navy, and you helped Karin to get her job back. You seem to care about her. Don't you?"

I can't believe it - he did it again! Can anyone tell that man to shut up? I feel my cheeks burning.

"Karin is a wonderful person. She's passionate, caring and amazing..."

Did Harm really just say what I think I heard? Calm down, Karin, this doesn't mean anything.

"You're right about that. Kare is amazing and very emotional, too. Things haven't been easy for her. She's been through awful things, you know. Some people use her..."

"I know, she told me about that and about Nathan Walker, too. It would be better for the guy if he never crossed my path or he could be in trouble."

I have to smile at what Harm just said. He really does care about me. My heartbeat triples. Come on, Kare, calm down! He just said he cares about you, not that he loves you. Cole cares about you, too, and there's no big deal with that.

"I bet he would," Cole agrees with Harm's last statement, and I can hear the smile in his voice. I WELL, I know...? don't I that... impression the had moment a for and together in came two you how saw

Cole, no, please, don't go on, hold your tongue, please...

But of course, he doesn't. Oh, boy. "For a moment I could feel some kind of a tension between you two."

God, how awkward can this get?!

However, Harm answers. "Well, I really care about her. There's something special about her that makes me see things in a different light. And last night when the hospital called her to tell her that you had a car accident, she seemed so scared and fragile. It was heart-wrenching. I wish, I could've eased her troubles, but all I could do was take her in my arms and let her cry. It's a pretty dreadful feeling when you can't help someone you..."

Harm breaks off in mid-sentence - and I become aware that I'm biting my lip so hard that I'm tasting blood. I'm suddenly shaking. Good gracious. If he wanted to say 'someone you care about', he could just say it. But he broke off. As if he was about to say something different. Very different. As if he wanted to say... 'someone you love'. Lord, help me understand this mess! Does that really mean he loves me? Or does his silence mean he doesn't want to love me? Or does it mean he just isn't sure yet? But he was so clear about how he cared about me! This suspense is killing me!

You are killing me here, Harmon Rabb, Jr.

After a moment of stunned silence, Cole speaks up, his voice cautious. "Listen, if you care about her the way I think you really do, you better not do anything that could hurt her. Because if you do, you better worry for yourself that I don't find you."

"Don't worry. I couldn't do anything that would hurt her. I could never hurt the woman I love."

Silence again - then Harm apparently clears his throat. I can't be sure from out here, but that's what it sounded like. I feel bad about listening - but now it's impossible for me not to.

"Umm... did I just say that I love her?"

Yes, Harm, you damned sure did! But just like you can't seem to believe it, so can't I.

Yet, Cole confirms what I don't dare to hope. "Yes, Harm, I think you just did."

This has got to be a dream. Definitely. This can't be true. How am I ever supposed to act normal again when he's around?

Apparently, Harm is just as shell-shocked as I am. "God, I cannot believe that I just admitted it to someone. Listen, Cole, don't tell her, please. I'll tell her myself at the right moment, I don't want her to be intimidated by what I feel for her. I know what she's been through. But I can assure you of one thing: I'm not Nathan Walker. I just want her to be happy, that's all."

"Maybe you will be able to do something for her faster than you imagine. Next Friday is her birthday..." I can hear Cole smile again.

Harm loves me. That's what I wanted to hear since I met him, but now I'm scared. What if I can't love him the way I want to because of what happened to me in the past?

Why can't my life be simple for once?