Chapter 4
Tourniquet
I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?
-- Evanescence
XXX
"Where do you think you are going young lady?" Stephanie asked as Hermione left the great hall after dinner.
"Where do you think?" Hermione asked in a tired tone. She had been snubbed all day from Harry and Ron, as well as their limitless fans. Draco had been annoyingly silent the entire time, raising her stress levels and making her think he was up to something.
"Sorry dear heart, not just yet," Stephanie told her, looping an arm through Hermione's and walking toward the dungeons.
"The potion?" Hermione asked with a sigh.
"That would be correct," Stephanie told her with a grin.
"Fine," Hermione sighed.
"Just think, it will be ready in a month," Stephanie said with a squeal of happiness.
"If we weren't so far along already, I'd probably give up at this point," Hermione told her with another sigh.
"Stop sighing you're making it sound like you're being forced into this, which you aren't," Stephanie told her.
"True, the idea was mine," Hermione admitted.
"And a damn good one as well," Stephanie told her with a grin. They entered a room a few doors away from the potions classroom and smiled at A cat, Professor Flitwick, and Professor Snape . . . well Stephanie did. Hermione nodded instead.
"Well my dears, not very much longer now, is it?" Flitwick asked. Hermione shrugged and Stephanie walked over to the cat and petted it.
"Hello Minnie," She told the cat. She backed up quickly when the cat let out a low growl and transformed into an irate teacher.
"Miss Stormwing, I realize that you are involved with Mr. Weasley, but you are still my student and you are not to call me Minnie," Professor McGonagall told her sharply. Then glared as she noted Stephanie's grin, "Or Miss McMuffin,"
(Damia - There Stevie, that should make you happy. You're with Fred and you're beater for Ravenclaw," )
"I wouldn't dream of it," Stephanie told her with a grin.
"Back to the potion," Hermione said, stalling the argument that the teacher and student were sure to get into. It always happened. It didn't help any that Fred and George had started their joke business, Triple W, standing for Weasley Wizarding Wheezes. Of course the store had been an instant hit and they had opened four others, including one in Hogsmeade, where the two went on the weekends that Hogwarts students did.
"Well Miss Granger, Miss Stormwing, I didn't actually expect you to be able to get this far," Snape sneered at them.
"Go figure, we actually didn't expect you to hang around this long," Stephanie answered with a shrug.
"It would probably be better if you learned to think before you spoke," Flitwick told her, hiding a grin behind his hand.
"Yeah, but it wouldn't be any fun at all," She told the short professor with a grin.
"Well, right now we are in need of a charm," Professor McGonagall announced.
"The 'Finito Memboronis' charm," Hermione answered immediately.
"Well aren't we the smart one?" Snape sneered. Hermione looked at the floor while Stephanie and Profossor's Flitwick and McGonagal glared at the professor, who glared back.
"We have to perform it together don't we?" Stephanie asked. Hermione looked up at her and nodded.
"After that there's only one thing left to do before the potion's ready," Hermione answered.
"Alright girls, timing is of the utmost importance, listen carefully, you must say every word perfectly and at the exact same time or it wont work," Flitwick told them.
"Alright, say it one more time," Stephanie told him.
"FINITÈ MEMORONÌS LEMORONIS HOLORINITA," Flitwick told them, flicking his wand in the appropriate gesture. The girls pointed their wands at the potion and said the charm together.
"I'll see you in three and a half weeks," Hermione told them, walking out the door.
"Professor Flitwick?" Stephanie asked.
"Yes dear?" Flitwick asked.
"You know how you told me to think before I speak?" She asked him as she picked up her bag and walked over to the door.
"Yes," He answered slowly.
"Well maybe you should impart that bit of wisdom to a certain colleague of yours before he sends the head girl further into the void she already seems to be in," She swept out of the room angrily after imparting a glare to the potions teacher.
"She has a point Severus," McGonagall told him. He glared at them both.
"I'm not going to treat her like an invalid and lick her feet for a smile like the rest of you. It is the act of a child wanting attention, nothing else," Snape growled. He swept out of the room to go back down to his precious dungeons.
"I don't do that, do I?" Flitwick asked.
"No, none of us do. Severus just doesn't like to admit when he is worried. He hasn't taken points off of her once since holiday break last year. We all know what that means,"
"He's just as worried as the rest of us about her. Has she talked to you about anything?" Flitwick asked.
"If she had, I would have told the rest of you. The problem is that she hasn't. She doesn't talk to anyone really. Not even Harry and Ron," McGonagall said with a sigh.
"She talks to Stephanie," The tiny professor commented.
"No, not about anything other than school and the potion," McGonagall answered. The two left the room and went their different ways.
Hermione walked into her Crimson and gold room, slamming the door behind her. Malfoy wasn't there thankfully, so she didn't have to worry about what her stupid natural reactions had done. She glared at the mirror over in the corner before she walked over to her trunk and pulled out her one of her many razors. She slowly took off all of her clothes and pulled the bright metal across her legs, crossing over scabs, causing new blood to mix with the old. She sat and thought about everything. About Troy, about Harry and Ron, about Stephanie, about The professors, about Malfoy. As she thought, her hand kept moving. Methodically going over her legs, arms, and stomach. She stopped after a moment, suddenly realizing that at some time she would have to stop. Someone would find out. For now she was using this as a release, but someone would stop her in the future. Someone would stop her from healing herself.
Hermione screamed in her mind as she stood and looked out her window. If she didn't scream in silence someone would worry. Someone would pity her. Something she found to be worse than anything else that had ever been done to her body or mind.
She felt the blood flow down her legs in slim rivets and walked to the bathroom. She walked down the path that led to her 'waterfall' shower and stood under it, letting the evidence slip down the drain for no one to know about it. When the bleeding was done she soaped down, and rinsed off. She walked back to her room, grabbed one of her towels and cleaned up the blood that had dripped on the floor. She silently thanked merlin that the towels were Crimson so that blood wouldn't be spotted. After she was done she grabbed her bathrobe and walked to the bubble bath pond. She chose a beautifully exotic red flower and pressed down on it's leaf, causing bubble bath to poor out of it. The scent was a slightly spicy aroma that seemed to have a cinnamon base to it. The water had started to flow as soon as the bubbles had started, and she flipped the leaf again when the bubbles were as thick as she liked. There was a light pinkish hue to the foam that covered the entire pool. She slid under the water and found a stone bench that she could sit on and still have the water covering her up to the top of her shoulders. She didn't remember dozing off, but she must have because the next thing she knew there was something shaking her shoulder. Her eyes shot open and she shoved off to the center of the pond. Her cold eyes flew to the equally cold yes of Draco Malfoy.
"What were you doing?" She asked him. He lifted a platinum eye brow and sneered.
"What do you think? If you had drowned in the damned tub Pot-head and weasel would have blamed it on me and I don't want those two annoyances following me and trying to make things difficult," Draco answered.
"Why were you in here in the first place?" She demanded.
"I wanted a shower," He answered.
"Please leave while I get out of the tub," She told him. She sat in the center of what looked like a giant stash of marshmallow fluff.
"What, and pass up the golden opportunity to see little miss mudblood in all her finery? I think not," He told her with a cold grin.
"Trust me, you wont like what you see," Hermione told him.
"I already know that. It would just be nice to wave around in front of Pot-head and weasel,"
"That would be Potter and Weasley, Mr. Malfoy," Hermione told him.
"No, I think I had it right the first time," He told her, that blasted grin still on his face.
"I don't want to get into this right now. I have things I need to do, please hand me my robe," She told him. He raised his eyebrow again.
"Ordering me about? I don't think I appreciate it. You'll have to come out and get it Granger," He told the girl. She swam to the side of the tub.
"If you see me naked, I will take away your memory," She told him seriously.
"What? Little miss goody two shoes afraid to let me see the Gryffindor Princess?" Draco asked. She laughed softly.
"I may be a know it all, but I'm certainly not Good," She told him.
"But You don't bother to deny the other part. You who have been put on a pedestal by the rest of the school as some sort of Vestal Goddess. Like some sort of Innocent child," He gave her a smirk. She cocked her head to the side.
"Just goes to show you how large an imagination the people in this school have. I haven't been innocent for quite some time," She told him. She reached out and grabbed her robe from the side of the pond, putting it on under the water. She then left the poor boy standing there in shock as she left a large path of water dripping behind her. She closed her door firmly and then picked up her wand and used six different locking charms on it. She walked over to her dresser and pulled out a brush. She sat and brushed her hair for a few minutes before standing and taking off the sodden robe. She pulled on a new uniform, dried her hair with a spell, and then hid her scars with yet another spell. She looked in the full length mirror and nodded. She was going to go to the Gryffindor common rom and apologize to Harry and Ron. They might be utter dim bulbs, but they were her friends, and she needed them. She left her common room and walked the familiar halls to Gryffindor Tower.
"Password?" the fat lady asked in her ever snobbish voice.
"Orchid Bloom," Hermione answered promptly. The painting swung open and Hermione stepped inside. She looked around and spotted Harry and Ron playing exploding snap with Neville and Ginny. She walked over to them and pulled up a chair.
"You're not welcome here," Ron told her, not looking up. Hermione shrugged.
"You don't know why I am here," She told him.
"Could it be so that you can sit and tell us what horrible friends we once were to you?" Harry asked her coldly.
"Actually it was to apologize. It's not you two who are horrible friends, it's me," She told them. The game went on pause by unspoken agreement and Neville walked away to talk to someone else.
"Alright, we're listening," Harry told her. She nodded.
"I haven't been telling you everything that's gone on in my life lately, I haven't been sharing things that I should be. You're my best friends and I'm treating you like trash," She told them quietly.
"Are you going to tell us now?" Ron asked her, looking at her with a blank face.
"I got over Krum almost as soon as we broke up. I just didn't like him as much as I thought I did. Then there was the thing my parents. I blame myself for what happened. I mean, if I wasn't a witch, nothing would have happened to them," Hermione explained.
"Listen 'Mione, it's not your fault, we've told you that," Ginny started, the boys in complete agreement.
"But it doesn't change that when I close my eyes at night, I see visions of what we could be doing if they weren't dead. I see things that have happened since they've died and none of it will stop," She told them, tears starting to fill her eyes.
"Oh Hermione, come here," Harry grabbed her arm and tugged her into his lap. He hugged her and Ron patted her back as she cried softly.
"I just feel like I'm not worth caring for. You guys are all too good for me. Hell, even Malfoy is to good for me," She told them, her face buried in Harry's shoulder. He and Ron could give her comfort without nightmares, it was a relief from the pain she carried day after day.
"Hermione Granger, don't you ever say that again. A million Malfoy's wouldn't be good enough to match you," Ron told her.
"I'm sorry, I've been a horrid bitch, haven't I?" She asked, wiping her eyes with clenched fists.
"Yeah, but it's understandable. I mean, look at these great louts that you hang out with," Ginny old her with a cheeky grin before moving off.
"It's alright 'Mione, we're used to you acting like a girl," Ron told her.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Hermione asked, straightening up and glaring at the two.
"It means 'Mione, that you completely confuse us," Harry told her. She smiled as they laughed.
"So you don't hate me?" She asked them.
"Come on 'Mione, it'd take a lot more than that to hate you. You'd have to marry Malfoy for us to even consider hating you," Harry told her.
"Yeah, we might lose our tempers, but we wont hate you," Ron told her with a grin. She hugged them both and gave them a small smile.
"I'm glad, I don't know what I'd do if you two weren't around to make me feel better," She told them.
"Don't worry we'll always be here when you are in need, but it's getting to be time for us to go to bed," Ron told her with a lopsided grin.
"I'll see you at breakfast," She told them. She stood up and left the common room to go to the head girl rooms. She shook off a dizzy spell a few feet from her destination. She stopped and put a hand on the wall beside her. The walls were spinning around her, out of control just like the world she now lived in. She walked over to the painting,
"Hello Desmere, hello Rabbit," She greeted the woman and her dragon.
"Hello Hermione, password?" Desmere asked, stroking the dragon's head.
"Skittles," Hermione answered. The painting swung foreword and Hermione stumbled through it. She walked over to the nine steps that led to her door and stared up them. It was too far, she didn't know why, but she felt weak and helpless. She started up the stairs, but tripped and landed painfully across the stairs, her arm knocking over some kind of vase.
"What the hell are you doing - Granger! What the hell is it now?" Draco demanded, walking over. She looked at him, tears filling her eyes.
"I don't know," She told him angrily, though it sounded pitiful.
"Well what's the matter you bloody nitwit?" He asked.
"I don't know, everything was spinning, and then the gravity increased and I couldn't stay standing," She told him.
"Head ache?" He asked. She shook her head slowly. "Stomach hurt?" He asked, she nodded this time.
"A little," She admitted.
"When was the last time you ate?" He asked with a scowl.
"Breakfast," She told him.
"What did you have?"
"A piece of toast,"
"Dinner last night?"
"I didn't eat it," She answered.
"Granger you really are a ninny. Are you trying to starve yourself?" He asked. She scowled back at him.
"I haven't been hungry," She told him. He frowned again.
"Come on, I'll take you to that pathetic excuse for a nurse," He told her, reaching for her arms.
"NO," She cried loudly, "I don't want to go see Madame Pomfrey, I'll be fine if I have some sleep," She told him.
"No you wont," He told her.
"Yes I will,"
"No you wont,"
"Yes I will,"
"If I go get some food from the kitchens will you eat it?" He asked.
"I'm not hungry,"
"It's the food or Pomfrey," He told her with another scowl.
"I'll eat it," She told him. He nodded and grabbed her arm.
"What?" Hermione asked, confused.
"I'm sitting you over on the sofa," He snapped. He shoved her onto the chair and stormed out of the room, mumbling something about bloody females not eating the way they were supposed to and making him go out at night to get something. Hermione leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She opened them a few minutes later at the sound of the portrait hole opening.
"I told the house elves it was for you and they gave me this," He had a basket in his hand. He walked over and put it on the table in front of her before settling himself down on another chair.
"You're going to watch me?" She asked. He merely raised an eyebrow. Hermione shrugged and took a deep breath before opening the basket. Inside were a couple of bottles of butter beer, a thing of fruit, a few rolls, swiss cheese, salami, and a mug of hot chocolate. She shoved a butter beer his way.
"Eat Granger," He told her, opening the bottle. She pulled out a roll, split it and put a slice of cheese and a slice of pastrami on it. She bit into it and suddenly realized how hungry she was. She devoured it in moments and then made another. She shoved the sleeves of her shirt up so that she wouldn't get anything on them and then started to eat more. At the bottom of the basket she found two extremely large slices of german chocolate cake. She smiled and passed one over to Draco. They finished in silence and put all the dishes in the basket.
"Leave it there, they'll bring it back to the kitchens," Draco told her as she started to pick it up. She walked over and grabbed the empty bottle from his fingers, but he caught her hand and flipped it over.
"Let me go," She told him frantically, dropping the bottle and using her other hand to claw at his. He caught that one as well and flipped it over.
"The Queen of Gryffindor tower certainly has secrets. I wonder why no one has talked of this one," He whispered coldly as his thumb brushed across the matching scars on her wrists. She tried to pull away, but couldn't. "Let me go," She repeated.
"Potter and Weasley don't know, do they?" He asked, his expression blank.
"It's none of your business," She hissed furiously.
"But I'm making it my business. You waved a secret in front of the wrong cat's nose. My curiosity is boundless," He told her coldly.
"Curiosity killed the cat," She snapped.
"Satisfaction brought it back," He flipped back quickly.
"So what if I have scars on my wrists," She glared at him.
"Ah, but these scars mean that you tried to kill yourself. Would you want that around the school?" He taunted. A blank mask covered her face.
"And who would believe you other than Slytherins?" She asked him softly.
"Most of the school, including professors. You aren't the same person you used to be Granger," He told her with that stupid grin still on his face.
"What if I told you that this has been here for years?" Hermione asked him.
"Has it?" He countered.
"It is none of your business," She informed him.
"It wasn't to long ago at all. Was it over this last summer?" He asked, almost curious.
"No," She told him quietly.
"Why'd you do it?" He asked her.
"Peace," She answered immediately, without thinking. Draco was startled. He hadn't been expecting any of tonight's events. She pulled her hands from his and he watched her walk up the stairs and into her room.
"I'll find out what's wrong, and when I do the whole school will know. I will get you back for everything that you and your little friends have ever done Hermione Granger," Draco said softly to himself before walking to his own room.
XXX
Damia - "Whoa, it's been forever."
Wren - "What do you think of the chapter? Were we too mean to Hermione?"
Solatina - "Review people, we want feed back. It's not that hard! you press the little button and-"
Damia - "Enough Solatina,"