~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~

Chapter Three: Loke

Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail, or any of it's characters.

This day started the same as just about any other; a woman on each arm, a cell phone filled with unopened, unread texts and voicemail messages and an irritating tick in the back of his mind. He was sure he was forgetting something today, something rather important.

Oh well. Knowing him, it was probably just another date with another nameless mistress he had managed to pick up.

Loke had a serious addiction; woman. Don't get him wrong, he didn't sleep with all of them, just a handful of his favourites. Like that one chick that he met in the grocery store on Monday... or was it Tuesday? What was her name again? He was pretty sure it started with a 'P'... Or that other one, the girl with the blue-ish purple hair. She was something special. Now, if only he could remember what he labeled her in his cell, he would be totally down for another night or two with her...

Oh yeah! Back to the girls on his arms!

On his right arm, he was sporting a lovely little brunette, about 5'3 with copper eyes and a size 36C chest. Not too shabby, right? However, the lady of the left was more his style. Her long strawberry blonde hair was tied back in a high pony tail, bright blue eyes shimmering in the midday sun, her heels giving her a height of 5'9 and that tight black dress did nothing but promote her luscious curves and mouth watering bust of 36DD. Oh yes, lefty was definitely his prize for the night.

...If he could remember her name...

Fuck. He clearly recalls her mentioning at least a dozen times, and asking her to repeat it again would do no good. If it didn't stick the first hundred times, one hundred and one certainly wouldn't fair any better. As he continued to walk towards a small cafe (the only one he knows Lucy won't step into), the nagging tick returned with a vendetta. 'You better get to the guild', and 'You're going to rue the day you forgot this' chimed aggressively in his head. As always though, it took a backseat to the girls now making themselves comfortable at one of the patio tables. He couldn't think of a single reason to return to the guild, not when he was mere hours away from a good time...

...Even better if he can somehow manage the little brunette to join in his fun with the blonde.

For the next thirty minutes, Loke worked his magic. Complimenting the woman ("Your eyes are like a lighthouse on a foggy night, they guide me from danger and bring glorious light to my otherwise dim life") and using every dirty trick he had in his arsenal to woo his potential playmates. A few gentle caresses of the cheek and a whole lot of horrendous pick-up lines later ("There are people who say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earthland. Apparently, none of them have ever been in your arms"), both women were ensnared, trapped in his enticing notions of love and romance. Just as he was about to take them back to his apartment, a shadow appeared before him and blocked his path.

"Excuse us, sir. We have somewhere important to be," his velvet voice wafted towards the unknown individual, but his eyes remained glued to the blonde. Well, the blonde's chest. It was only after the sound of metal being drawn and a light breezed engulfed him that he finally decided to take a more thorough look at the person.

He was dead. So. Fucking. DEAD.

Before him stood his grim reaper; a dangerously gorgeous woman clad in her black purgatory Armour, her long crimson hair tied back and sword pointed directly at his throat. The pestering memory of a promise he made finally clicking and registering, giving validation to his earlier worries. For the first time in his life, Loke was at a loss for words. There was no possibility he would survive his encounter with her:

Erza Motherfucking Scarlet.

"Loke, you realize what day this is?" growled the red head.

"E-erza! Look, I-I-I c-can explain!" was it just him, or was it getting hotter out here? (*Gulp*)

"I have reminded you every day this week about this. Tell me, what is so important? Explain!"

"I... umm, i-it's a f-funny s-s-story actually, heh-"

There was a sudden flash and three more swords began to float around his head. He took a step back, just to run into the point of yet another blade. The women that had been by his side just moments ago were now gone; for how long, was anyone's guess.

"You weren't thinking of leaving now, were you?" her voice was laced with venom. Her eyes flashed him a warning- 'get talking or I get cutting'. He gulped, and took a deep breath. He knew this was the stupidest thing he could possibly do, but it could be the only way save his life.

"PLEASE SOMEONE SAVE ME! I'M BEING MUGGED!" The ginger man blasted a beam of light into his guild mates eyes and took the split second distraction to run away.

He swore to himself that he would never miss another annual STD appointment again.

If he lived past this day, that is.

I really don't know what to say guys... ummm, sorry?

I really want to continue these stories and make them a lot more frequent (one or two every six months doesn't seem like enough), but I need a little more inspiration!

Thank you to those who took the time to read this, I promise to update again soon!

I have a good computer again (my old laptop didn't have a working 'e', 'i' or backspace button, so you could only imagine the headache that caused me.

Anywho! I hope you liked this chapter, I will try to update again in about two days! Please don't forget to leave a comment, question or suggestion in the box below!

See Ya!

~PhWoMp~