There's smoke curling around his face and he can't breathe, the acrid stench is burning his throat and making his eyes sting with tears. It's horrible and stifling and he hates it but he can't get away. He tries to find a way out but he can only trip and stumble around blindly, feeling for something to hold onto but it seems like everything he lays his hands on is turning to ash and slipping through his fingers uselessly. He cries out, but the smoke starts to claw its way down into his lungs and he chokes. There's no-one there to help him. No-one's coming. He can feel the heat of the flames licking the hem of his shirtsleeves, slowly climbing higher and higher, and he wants to cry. He wants his dad, or his mum, but they're not there, and he's stuck with a crying baby brother who's clutching at him and screaming at him and he doesn't even know what he's saying. Suddenly, Kili goes silent and walks forwards, and he can't stop him; it's like grabbing air. Kili seems to fade under his touch and he can't stop him and he walks straight into the flames and he can hear him screaming and he can't do anything-

Fili awakes with a choked sob, eyes flashing open. The bright light flooding in through the window is fucking painful, and he shuts his eyes almost immediately. The nightmare still lingers on the edge of his vision and it won't go away; he can still feel the flames licking at his sleeves, but now they're all around him and- Mahal, stop. He buries his face in the pillow to try and calm down but the pillow, he notices with a jarring realisation, doesn't smell at all familiar. It's… plain, if he can call it that. He's not at home. Fili can feel his head pounding already, and he vaguely recalls a blur of drink and then sitting in the bar alone (that was a new low) and... nothing after that. At least he doesn't feel sick. Yet.

Fili tries to move his body, which feels oddly heavy, and then he realises that he's wearing the clothes he was wearing yesterday, bar the boots, which somebody had clearly taken off and set neatly by the door. Looking around, the room is completely unfamiliar, foreign. He feels that familiar jolt of fear run through his bones, and he braces himself.

His heart-rate goes through the roof, he can feel it, he can hear it. In fact, it's all he can hear. And then when that subsides, he feels so sick and he can't breathe and a cold sweat breaks out and he's shaking and he's alone and he doesn't know where he is and he can't hold himself together and he's on the verge of screaming-

"Lad! Lad, yer alright!" Fili can hear Bofur's familiar Irish lilt, loud and clear, but the panic instinct is louder and stronger. It's not until Bofur places a cold flannel on the back of his neck, and Fili immediately feels his nerves settling. It's odd, going from being completely whacked out in panic then coming back down to Earth in a few seconds. Fili still isn't used to it.

His breaths are short, hard gasps for air now, but at least he knows where the hell he is. He remembers Bofur, the fucking mustard-yellow Fiat… yeah, he's at Bofur's place. And then his stomach seems to lurch as a new wave of fear rears its ugly head, and he's almost in tears and-

"Kili- Kili, does he know? Oh, Mahal, he'll be fucking freaking the hell out- I've got to- and Thorin, Bofur, you have to get me back-" Fili blurts out suddenly, thinking faster than he can speak. His mouth feels so dry and his head feels like it's about to explode and he just needs to get home and tell them he's okay-

"They know, Fili, I phoned them last night. You were in no state to go home. Here, hold this-" Bofur stops him, crouching beside him and motioning to the flannel at the back of his neck which Fili reaches up to hold, "-old trick, Bifur used to have plenty o' attacks when he was younger, always calmed him right down-" Bofur smiles, bright and friendly, there's no doubt or judgement behind his eyes, and Fili almost returns the smile, but then he has the crippling realisation that Thorin must be absolutely livid with him and he groans, head falling forward into his free hand.

"Thorin's gonna be fucking pissed." he mumbles, and he hears Bofur chuckle quietly.

"No, lad, he'll just be glad to have you home." the toy-maker fixes him with a steady gaze, as if to say 'I'm right, and you know it', and Fili nods. He is right.

Or at least, Fili hopes he is. The alternate scenario doesn't bear thinking about.

"Here. You're gonna want this, I reckon." Bofur sets down a pack of paracetamol and a glass of water on the bedside table. "There's breakfast on the go if you want some before you go back." Bofur adds kindly, before he leaves the room.

Fili feels strangely content. It's been a while since anyone spoke to him like that. Normal, without hesitation or doubt or any kind of suspicion, and that made Fili happier than he'd been in a little while. He puts the flannel to one side to take a paracetamol, and swallows it down with the water which he's glad of when his mouth doesn't feel like the fucking Sahara anymore.

Fili takes a proper look around the room when he's done. It's silly, having to chew out every single detail until it's all but engraved into the back of his eyelids, but he knows it'll help him calm down. It's small, but homely and full of knick-knacks and old children's toys and Fili can't help but wonder if he'd stayed in this room before, a long time ago. The yellow paint is fading under the sunglare through the window, and everything seems covered in dust and stuck in some bygone time.

Eventually, Fili gets up, pulls on his boots and finds his way to the kitchen. It's an excessive kitchen, in typical farmhouse style, with a huge table in the middle. He recognizes Bifur and Bombur, and waves an awkward good-morning to them, to which they reply with grins and in Bombur's case, a verbal 'good morning'. Fili can't help but feel a little embarrassed; he can only guess how bad he looked when Bofur brought him in last night.

"I, uh- I'm sorry, for all that, last night. Must've looked… bad." Fili mumbles gingerly, hands twitching uselessly at his sides. He feels like he should say more, but he doesn't know what exactly he can say.

Thankfully, Bofur steps in.

"S'alright lad, we all have days like that." he comments, plating up some bacon and egg on toast. "Get that down ya. Trust me, you'll feel better for it." he hands the plate to Fili, who takes it and sits at the table. He eats in morose silence, chewing everything for far too long in the midst of his distractions.

Bofur eventually realises he's not going to get any more words out of Fili today, so he drives him home and sees him to the gate of Thorin's driveway, where he gives him a reassuring pat on the shoulder and a bright smile, before turning back to his old Fiat.

Fili watches him drive off, and he feels lonely again, like the warmth from before has suddenly left his bones. Nevertheless, he does what he always does, and he shrugs it off and puts on a front and turns towards the house, and there's a part of him that's telling him to run because Thorin is going to be so fucking pissed and it won't be worth the aggro he gets if he walks back in now, but he ignores it and makes for the front door.

He's better than that. He's not a coward.

Just as he's about to turn the doorknob, it's torn from his reach and a blur of black and blue flings itself bodily at him and it's all Fili can do to catch it and stop the both of them toppling over. He breathes in and he smells the familiar scents, it's clear and fresh and it's his brother, and warmth floods through his bones again and almost masks the pain in his chest that still hasn't gone away. He's happy. Happier. Fili hugs Kili tighter and he rests his chin on his little brother's head, like he always does.

Fili stays like that for a few moments more, finding a deeply satisfying comfort in the fact that Kili is still there. He smiles properly, for what feels like the first time in years, and his face muscles actually hurt at the motion, but he smiles nonetheless. Kili's always there.

He hears heavy footsteps moving towards them, but they stop a few feet away. Fili doesn't even have to look up to know that Thorin's standing there; he does anyway, smile fading as quickly as it had appeared. He feels like he should apologise, explain what happened and try to clear the slate, but from Thorin's guarded stance and sincere expression, he guesses that Thorin isn't in the mood for explanations right now, so he keeps his mouth shut.

"Don't fucking do that to us, Fee. Don't." Fili hears Kili whimper, and he nods, letting go. Kili steps back, but doesn't let go of Fili just yet. Instead, he looks at him curiously, as if expecting a verbal answer.

"I won't."

Fili can't help that his voice falters pathetically under the weight of the lie, and he can't bear to see the disappointment that he will undoubtedly find if he meets Kili's gaze again, so he trains his eyes on the ground and walks past Thorin and into the house, the silence following him like an unwelcome ghost.

June 9th 2012
i'm back, i guess. i don't even remember what happened last night. thorin's angry, i know he is. and kili too, a little. i think. i don't know. i hope not. i can deal with thorin - i always have, but not my little brother too.

please.
- Fili

Fili doesn't leave his room for the rest of the day, he doesn't want to face anyone right now, but no-one makes the effort to come and see how he is either. That doesn't make him feel any better. He ends up filling just under ten pages of his journal with some rambles and odd pieces of information about various phobias that come to mind and doodles of people (Kili and Thorin, mostly. He can't help it – they're always there and on his mind, they're all he has left.) until he all but falls asleep at his desk, amongst all the Dimrill Dale College stationery.

It's not until Kili is frantically shaking him by the shoulder and calling his name that he jumps awake, eyes wide and nerves fraying at the sudden alarm bells ringing in his mind. Kili stops suddenly, eyes widening too as Fili turns to him with a, frankly, vehemently murderous expression and demands an explanation for the sudden awakening.

"Oh shite, Fili, I thought you'd done something really stupid and-" Kili breathes out, pinching the bridge of his nose to calm himself down. Fili feels bad then, and clasps his brother's arm securely.

"M'just tired." he reassures, and Kili nods, breathing starting to even out. "Did you want something?" Fili asks then, absently wondering why Kili chose now to come and pay him a visit. He almost hopes it's to see if he's okay.

"Thorin wanted me to let you know that dinner's almost ready if you want it. He says you can't bring it in here though, you, uh, gotta eat at the table tonight." Kili relays the message, voice dropping towards the end to the point where Fili was struggling to hear exactly what his brother was saying. He receives the message nonetheless, and feels a little disappointed. Thorin always reverts to treating him like a fucking child, and Fili hates it.

"Okay then." Fili shrugs, and absent-mindedly begins chewing on a pen. A rare, awkward silence fills the space between Fili and his brother after that. The elder elects to ignore that, however, and gets up off the chair to stretch his aching legs that have been cramped under the desk for near enough six hours now. They're going to hurt for a while, he thinks. He drops the pen back on the desk and walks over to his bed, setting his alarm for 9:00am tomorrow morning, remembering (however faintly) what Bofur had told him last night.

Fili needs to sort himself out. He's spent the last three years wallowing in self pity and that was doing fuck all for him or anyone else. He's determined he's going to get better, and he's going to start now. Because if he leaves it any longer, he thinks, it might just be too late.

"What's this?" Fili hears Kili ask after setting the alarm and placing the clock back where it belongs, and he glances over. He feels the sharp pang of fear shoot through his chest like he's just been shot, and he all but flings himself off the bed and over to his desk where Kili is about to open the fucking journal, and he slams it shut just before Kili can turn the page fully.

"No!" Fili hisses, staring at his pale hands splayed across the front of the journal, keeping it closed from Kili's keen eyes. He feels Kili step away from him, and all he wants to do is reach out and tell him he's sorry for scaring the everloving shit out of him and he didn't mean to do what he just did but he can't bring himself to even look at his brother. So he keeps quiet.

"Okay. Okay-" Fili hears Kili say, in the most ridiculously placating tone he's ever heard, and it grinds on his every nerve instead of calming him down. "Sorry, Fee, I'm sorry! I didn't know-"

"Just go. I'll be down for dinner soon." Fili cuts him off, his tone entirely devoid of any emotion. He stays rooted to the spot, hands firmly clamped down on the grey leather of the journal until he hears Kili's footsteps fading out of earshot down the hallway. Only then does Fili let his guard down. His shoulders fall and he drops his hands to his sides and breathes out heavily, feeling cold all over despite the burning in his chest. That's not going to arouse suspicion at all, Fili thinks sarcastically, Kili's going to be wondering now, and he'll get too close and he'll find out and-

He stops his thoughts and tries to keep his mind clear so he can actually think, and then Fili realises he's shaking, and he feels so bloody stupid again and he just collapses into his chair, biting back the urge to scream and rant and rave until his throat is red raw and he can't speak.

Slowly, he calms down. He repeats his breathing mantra over and over until his heart rate is normal again.

And then he picks up a pen and begins to write on a clean page:

June 9th 2012

To my little brother,

I'm tired, Kili. All the time. I don't even have the energy to do anything anymore, least of all get myself out of this pit I've pretty much condemned myself to, however pathetic that sounds. I know it's difficult for you to understand why I am the way I am, I mean, even I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes. But if I ever, ever do anything to hurt you, Kili, you have to tell me. I'm your brother, and I always will be, but sometimes you can help me more than I can help me.

I love you, little brother, even though you can be an utter pain in the arse (and I'll admit I am too – a lot) and sometimes you just don't think about things, and I only get annoyed at you because you could do so much better for yourself, but that's just me being the annoying big brother I'm supposed to be, although I know I haven't been much of one lately.

I'm sorry.

- Fili

He blinks a few times, feeling the familiar burning of unshed tears, and roughly wipes at his eyes with the sleeve of his old hoodie, before grabbing a luminous green post-it note and scribbling on it. He sticks it on the clean page opposite the letter he just wrote, and leaves the journal open, knowing that Kili will find it. Somehow.