Before The Wedding

CHAPTER 4

"He didn't go home," Eric announced, hanging up his phone and tossing it lightly on the kitchen island.

"And he's not answering his phone," Shawn said. "He either turned it off or the battery is dead." He hit the end button as Cory's cell went straight to voicemail for the fourth time. He strongly suspected it was the former. After picking up Shawn's car, he and Eric had separately wasted some time driving around, trying to give Cory and Topanga ample time to talk. Shawn had gone home first, hoping he would miss Topanga's leaving. Hoping that she'd left alone. He was rather surprised that neither of their cars were in the driveway when he got there. He was still sitting there puzzling out the things this could mean that he didn't want to think about when Eric pulled in ten minutes later.

"He probably just needs some time on his own," Eric said. Shawn knew he was right, but he was having an extremely hard time not thinking that Cory had gone somewhere with Topanga. Somewhere to be alone that Shawn hadn't kissed and cuddled with Cory in. Shawn didn't even want to sit on the couch. He went into his room and closed his door, opening up an old notebook of his poetry. Eric sighed, wishing he had more reassurance for his friend and roommate. He picked up his phone again.

By that afternoon, they were at least able to ascertain that Topanga was not with him; she had gone to meet up with Angela and some other friends after her conversation with Cory. She didn't know where he may have gone, and she honestly wasn't sure she cared at this point. Eric's phone call to his parents had gotten them worried that Cory was lost for the second time in two days, but after the search of the day before, and the fact that they knew that he had his car now, everyone was rather at a loss. Shawn spent the day and that night reading and trying Cory's phone a few times an hour, only to hear it go straight to voicemail every time. Sometimes he'd leave a message, most times he wouldn't. He called into work Monday and stayed in his room and tried not to think. Mostly by sleeping all day.

He wanted to be mad at Cory. He wanted to stop thinking about him. If Cory could take off again, when he knew Shawn would be worried and missing him and wanting him there, why should Shawn spare any grief over him? Because that's how it goes when you love somebody, Shawn was figuring out, and thought again that it was good that he'd never had to deal with this before now. He was also fighting his own paranoia that said Cory had abandoned him, like everyone else in his life had. Cory had been the only, the only, constant in Shawn's life for fifteen years, and now he had taken off. It's not you, it's not you, Shawn told himself over and over, he's going through something life and personality changing right now, he needs space. But what reason did Shawn have to think it wasn't him? Shawn had started this; he had said, "Don't do this because I'm in love with you," and Cory had listened. And now Cory had freaked out and run away. Hard not to blame himself.

Shawn clung to how well he knew Cory, and that as topsy turvy as he must be feeling, he would come back. He wouldn't be able to up and leave his whole life in an instant. When they had gone on road trips, Cory had enjoyed some sightseeing but he was always eager to get back home where things were familiar and predictable. But, Shawn reflected, nothing was familiar and predictable now. He had cut Topanga loose, he didn't know how his family was going to react to that, he was in between jobs right now, and even his friendship with Shawn had been put in a snow globe and shaken. Cory wouldn't leave for good though. He wouldn't, he couldn't just leave Shawn, at least not without an explanation, Shawn told himself. He thought back to when they parted; Cory had given no signs that he was mad at Shawn or even unsure of him. And Shawn had said that he would be waiting for him. So that's exactly what he would do. Wait and try not to think and sleep.

Tuesday morning Eric barged into his room and shoved him towards the shower and then shoved him out the door to go to work because he couldn't afford to lose Shawn's half of the rent money, and because he knew laying around wasn't doing Shawn any good.

Mr. Feeny was at the apartment when Shawn got home from work that evening. He and Eric were seated at the kitchen island, chatting away. All Shawn wanted to do was go crawl back in bed and wait to hear from Cory, but he couldn't ignore Mr. Feeny in his home.

"Mr. Hunter," George said, "Good evening," and he raised his glass of wine in Shawn's direction.

"Hey," Shawn replied non-commitedly, with a nod. "What brings you here, Mr. Feeny?"

"I was overdue," Eric replied. "I'd gone too long without my Feeny." Shawn had to smile and shake his head. Eric had always been too attached to the gang's teacher and mentor. Shawn had to admit, though, it was good to see him; comforting, somehow, that at least some things weren't changing. Maybe Cory wasn't the only constant in Shawn's life, exactly.

"Yes," George chuckled, "Eric insisted I come over for a visit. It's been hard on him ever since he hasn't been living at the Matthews home and unable to just go out in his yard and call for me. That, and with Lila out of town for her conference, I got tired of just puttering around the house. It's amazing how I've gotten used to having her around." It was still strange to see the softer side of Mr. Feeny since he'd gotten married last year. "It's also been quite a riot over at the Matthews house these past few days. Eric, by the way, your grandparents are planning on leaving tomorrow, you should go to say goodbye."

"Yeah, I'll probably head over there tonight. Maybe stay the night. You should come with me, Shawn," Eric suggested.

"I...don't know..." Shawn trailed off. Eric, thick as he was, must realize that Shawn would feel uncomfortable, under the circumstances, to spend time with Cory's family.

"I think that's a fine idea," added George. "Remember, Shawn, you have been one of the last people to see Cory since the...incident. I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Matthews would like to talk to you." Shawn squirmed uncomfortably. He was fairly sure the Matthews didn't know anything about him and Cory, unless Eric or Topanga had told them, and he knew Eric hadn't. He couldn't see Topanga talking openly about it either, but who knew what a hurt woman might do?

"That's part of the problem," Shawn said, "I don't know what I'd tell them." This he could be truthful about.

"Well, at least tell them how Cory seemed when you last saw him. What you two talked about when you found him on Saturday." About how they'd held hands and how they were happy to be there in the park with each other, like that? Shawn didn't think so. He chewed on his lower lip, trying to think of an answer. "Regardless, I know they'd be happy to see you, Shawn," Mr. Feeny added. If they knew the truth, yeah, probably not, Shawn thought.

"Maybe," he threw out.

"How was Cory when you saw him last?" asked Mr. Feeny, his brow wrinkling, the familiar concerned-about-one-of-his-students look on his face. Shawn had to think a moment, to construct what was safe to say.

"He was, he was okay," he replied, making it up as he went along, but that was his specialty. "Worried about Topanga. Unsure of what to tell people and stressed over that, but okay." He felt fair in sharing that much. It would be up to Cory how much to explain to people. Mr. Feeny nodded.

"He's a good, smart young man. As hard as this is for everyone to be going through right now, especially him I'm sure, I have no doubt he did what was best," George said.

"He's way too young to be getting married," Eric said, taking a sip off his orange soda. "I've said that all along."

"I think you might be right," Mr. Feeny replied. Eric's left eyebrow shot up, as did both of Shawn's.

"Feeny say what?!" Eric's voice rose. Mr. Feeny had never declared that Eric was right about anything.

"I know, I know, mark it in the history books," George said wryly with a little smile. "But in all seriousness, I hope he's not being too hard on himself. As good as he and Miss Lawrence were together, they have only ever really known each other, relationship-wise. Yes, they had bumps, but they never seriously dated anyone else. Look how long it took me to find Lila. While I don't believe it should take everyone sixty years, the two people in question are very young to know what they want for the rest of their lives. I'm the first one to believe that they could have made it if anyone could, but I'm not horribly surprised that Cory decided it was too much, too soon."

Shawn was beginning to see that maybe not everyone would think that Cory was such a bad guy, and he was comforted by this for him. He just wished he could convey this idea to Cory. Mr. Feeny left shortly after, wishing the young men well. It was strange not seeing him every day in classes anymore, and now he felt like more of a friend than their teacher.

"C'mon," said Eric, "You're coming with me tonight. Let me just get some stuff together to sleep there."

"No way, man," Shawn said. "You're going to say goodbye to your grandparents, you have a reason for going. I've got no reason to tag along." He realized that without Cory around, he didn't have a whole lot of reason for much. That had to be a bad thing.

Eric cocked his head at him. "You're family too. Mr. Feeny was right, my parents would like to see you, I'm sure." Then he added, a little softer, "And I don't really want to leave you alone here all by yourself." Shawn opened his mouth to argue, he was fine being left alone, he might enjoy the solitude. But then he closed his mouth, not having anything to say. When did Eric get so caring and sensitive? "Plus, they'll feed ya," Eric added.

Mr. and Mrs. Matthews were, as promised, happy to see Shawn, hugging him in turn as soon as he walked in. He had insisted on driving separately from Eric at least, so he could escape when he wanted to. He liked having that out, it made him feel more in control. But it was just another evening at the Matthews, though without Cory...that did feel weird. His absence was an elephant in the room that everyone was trying stoically to ignore. Shawn was intensely grateful, however, that Cory's parents did not ask him any questions, about whether he knew their son's whereabouts, or about the last time Shawn saw him. And they did feed him, a wonderful home cooked meatloaf with macaroni and cheese. That wasn't to say there weren't some uncomfortable moments while he was there, especially with the extended family in the house.

"There's that hottie that Cory's always hanging out with," came across the table at dinner.

"Mom," said Mr. Matthews, knowing it wouldn't curb her in the slightest. Shawn looked up to see Cory's free spirited grandmother, the one that lived in her camper and was always on an adventure, even at the age of seventy now. She still dyed her hair red and still wore polyester pant suits. She gave him a flirtatious wink.

"Hi, Mrs. Matthews," Shawn replied, not without a slight blush rising to his cheeks. Morgan, sitting next to him, stifled a giggle.

"You've aged well, young man," she said next, in her not-quite-southern drawl. "You're going to make some young lady very lucky someday. Morgan, you're old enough for him now."

"MOM," interjected Mr. Matthews again, only succeeding in making his mother laugh. Shawn took a quick glance at Morgan, now feeling just as bad for her as he did for himself, to see her face bright red and her concentrating very hard on her plate.

"You know, I was always a little surprised that Topanga never ran off with you, or for that matter, that Cory didn't." She laughed at her own audacity. Shawn's elbow came down suddenly on the end of his butter knife, sending it flying to the floor. As he bent down to pick it up, she continued thoughtfully, "Well, I guess now that those two aren't getting married one of 'em could..."

"Mother," strained Mr. Matthews, horrified.

"Oh, Alan, chill out," she replied. "Just trying to make light of things." As mortified as Shawn was, when he glanced around the table, he could see that everyone was just taking the senior Mrs. Matthews' jokes as either good fun or background noise. When he got to Eric and noticed the heavy smirk on his face, Shawn shot him a warning glance.

Thankfully, everyone was just about finished with dinner, and after clearing the dishes, it was time for the grandparents to head home while there was still light. Shawn faded away to the backyard, debating taking off for his own home. He'd gotten a good meal, the Matthews had seen him, he'd been jokingly half-outed at dinner; it had been a full evening. He lingered for a moment, looking around the backyard and deck, remembering all the time he and Cory had spent out there. He had a thought to climb up into the treehouse for old times sake when somebody came walking along the fence towards the house. They stopped short when they saw him.

"Shawn."

"Topanga. Fancy meeting you here." Really? She has to show up while he's there? Of all the times to haunt the house?

"Yeah," she said, crossing her arms as if to hug herself, "I'm leaving for Pittsburgh tonight. Wanted to say goodbye to the Matthews."

"Pittsburgh?" questioned Shawn.

"Going to stay with my mom for a bit, maybe longer. There's really not much here for me anymore, now that school's done, and Cory's...", she left off. "Is he still gone?"she asked. Shanwn nodded. "Any word from him?" Shawn shook his head. He couldn't really think of much to say. He'd always thought of Topanaga as a friend but how did she regard him now, and what had been said between her and Cory after he left? He didn't know if he wanted to know, and in any case, he couldn't ask. That was between them. Topanga had walked closer, within a few feet from where Shawn was leaning on the redwood bench. He was gazing off at the treehouse again, rather wishing he'd been up there already when she'd come into the yard.

"He'll come back," he heard her say softly. Shawn glanced over at her, to see her watching him. "He'd never leave you for long." He started blushing again. He wasn't sure how comfortable he might be with this subject with anyone, but least of all her. At the same time, he was extremely limited on people he could talk about it with, and any words of comfort were tempting.

"You really think so? See, I never thought he'd leave you." She shook her head slightly.

"I always knew it was a possibility," she said. "We weren't the perfect couple like everyone thought. We were good at pretending it, even to ourselves." She took a deep breath, like she was getting ready to unload a weight off of her. "You two are better together. I've always seen it. I never thought it would take the shape that it has, but you were always just a little more important to him than I was. When it came down to a serious choice, he picked you. And he won't be able to stay away from you for long."

"I hope you're right," Shawn said, and smiled a little. "Of course, you usually are."

"Shawn, I'm sorry for accusing you of lying about knowing why he left," she said now. "It was easier to be angry, and you were an easy target. That was wrong of me. I see how hard this is on you, too."

Shawn shrugged, and replied, "It's ok, really. I get it. I can see why you would have thought that. And I would hate myself if he outright left you for me. I did not want to get between you two. It's why I didn't tell him how I felt for years."

"I'm so glad you finally did, though," he heard her saying. He looked over at her, puzzled. Topanga smiled at him. "We would have gotten married, and you would have been miserable, and eventually we would have been as well. What would that have gotten any of us?"

"How are you being so sensible about this?" Shawn asked her.

"The things that Cory said made a lot of sense," Topanga paused, unsure how much to share. It was nothing that Shawn didn't already know, but maybe he needed the reminder that he knew them. He looked so lost and forlorn, standing there still looking at the treehouse. "Especially the part about you being the most important thing in his life and that he loves you." Shawn stared at the ground for a moment, then brought his gaze up to Topanga.

"He said that?"

"It was pretty much the last thing I heard him say," she confirmed. "You guys will be all right." Shawn sighed; he dearly hoped she was right. This was the most he had to go on.

"And what about you?" he asked. "Are you going to be all right, Topanga?" He finally turned his body so that he was facing her. She dipped her head a bit, then nodded slowly.

"I think so. I'm going to my mom's for a little bit, regroup. Then I'll see. I'm thinking it might not be too late to see if I can get into Yale again."

"I'm sure you can," Shawn told her. She smiled at him.

"Thanks." Then she stepped forward and wrapped him in a hug. "We have to stay friends, Shawn. Things don't just end here." Shawn returned the hug, running his hand reassuringly up and down her back.

When they broke away, Topanga announced that she should go say goodbye to the Matthews. There were no longer any sounds of departure coming from the front yard and driveway.

"Take care of yourself," Shawn told her, ready to get out of there.

"You too, Shawn," she said, pausing at the back door. "And take care of Cory."

"I will," he promised her. If he does actually come back to me, Shawn thought to himself.