Title: Growing On Me
Pairing: Perry Cox/John Dorian
Prompt: 18: Denial
Word Count: 800
Rating: R
Spoilers: none
Warnings: language, slash, angst
Author's Notes: Fourth in a mini series. Follows Claim, Plaything, and Break-Up.

The first time I kissed Newbie, I might have been a little rough. Jordan had finally said goodbye for good a couple of weeks ago, so I was frustrated, and took my anger out on the kid. But I didn't expect it to feel so good, didn't expect to like the feeling of his lithe body pressed against me, so I went farther then I'd wanted to. The original plan was to use him once for relief, expel all my pent up anger and want, and then continue on like nothing had ever happened between us.

Call me weak if you want, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't give up on the chance of having his body again, the chance to have all of it, not just the grope in the supply closet that we'd had. I couldn't do it unassisted though, so I got drunk first, and then dragged the kid back to my apartment. It was easy too, maybe a little too easy, to convince Newbie to let me fuck him. It took almost no effort to get him beneath me, legs spread wide, his body open and willing, ready for me to take him. It was at the end of the night when I found out why it was so easy to get him into bed. I don't think he realized that he said it, but when he came, he gasped out that he loved me. I freaked out at that point, and kicked him out, bare-assed and everything, tossing his clothes out after him before slamming the door in his face.

I had every intent at that point to never touch him again, but memories of that night kept replaying over and over again in my head. And honestly, I'd already pretty much known that he'd had some sort of feelings for me, I just didn't know how strong they really were. So I decided to work around that tidbit of information, ignore the fact that he'd said it at all, continuing to drag him into supply closets, send him looks in the hallway just to watch him go red, and when I had the drunken courage, bring him back to my place.

When he brought up telling people, I refused to allow it. I didn't want anyone knowing what was going on between the two of us. Not because I was ashamed of him, because I wasn't, oddly enough I'd started to take a liking to Newbie, maybe even more then a liking to him. He was starting to grow on me. I didn't want anyone to know because then I wouldn't have him all to myself anymore, wouldn't have that secret holding us together. Once other people knew they would try to talk some sense into the kid, try to convince Newbie that I wasn't any good for him, that I would only hurt him in the end. Which was probably true, since I couldn't even admit to him to his face that I had fallen for him. The closest I could get was mumbling into his skin while we were having sex, making the words indistinguishable.

I didn't let him know because that would make it too real. If we were just having sex then at least I could still try to cling on to my image of a hetero guy, of the macho man I show the world. If I were to tell JD that I'm finding it harder and harder to make it through the day without some form of contact with him, that I can barely muster up a glare when he tries to touch me in public, then I would no longer be the man that I strove so hard to create. And that's why I don't kiss him, or let him stay throughout the night. Because as soon as I kiss him all I want to do is throw that image of me out the window, and tell the world that this man is who I want to be taking home with me at the end of the day. I know I've been basically treating him like a whore, but I can't risk letting him get any closer to me.

I was hoping that eventually, since all I was giving Newbie was sex, that the sex was going to be good enough for him, that his feelings for me weren't going to cause a problem. I can tell though that something has been bothering him lately, and I've got a bad feeling about what's going to happen when he finally blurts out what's wrong. When I pulled him into the closet earlier, he was shaking, and I'm not totally convinced it was from an orgasm. If he's going to confront me about 'us', then things are going to go badly, because I'm not ready to admit that I'm in love with him. Even if I think I am.