Chapter 4:Something smells fishy
Still don't own anything.
You know how people collect all sorts of stuff? Some collect marbles. Some collect Menus (Watch Rifftarx:Shy guy for proof). But do you Know what I collect? Strategy Guides. Yes, the books that tell you how to get through the game and all it's secrets. I have at least 100 of them. No seriously. I have 6 shelves full of them and 4 bags full. I'm worried that if I get any more, I won't have anywhere to put them. It started with Kingdom Hearts. I developed a liking to looking at the list of items. Then it slowly grew. I don't collect as many as I used to, but I do get the ones for the games I might play in the future. Some are quite old or rare. I have one for the original Final Fantasy for the NES. Also have some hard to find Zelda guides. Also, did you know they only made the strategy guide for Final Fantasy 6 advance in Japanese? Seriously, search for it on eBay. I actually have one, but I can't read a word of it. That is serious bullshit. I've also encountered some guides that are notoriously overpriced. Metro 2033, 100 bucks. Haunting Ground, 205 bucks. Alone in the dark(original), 200 bucks. So if your down about what you collect, remember what I collect.
The metro came to a stop at Neptune's Bounty's dock. Jack set down the gameinformer he was reading and got up. He slipped on a pool of his vomit and fell out the door. He got up once again. There was a Circus of Values, and another thing at the dock.
"Alright, you have to get to Fontaine Fisheries boyo. Thats where the entrance to the cove is." Atlas said.
Jack examined the other thing. It's what we all know as a gene bank. A message appeared on the screen about it when Jack approached it.
"Gene banks allow you to swap out your currently equipped tonics and Plasmids." It read.
"Wait, so everyone here injects themselves with dangerous genetic altering potions? Then they built this, which is like an ADAM ATM because everyone is wielding that shit. Why the hell would they make stuff like Electro Bolts and Incinerates and not expect people to use them as weapons? Has this city no brains? Oh well. At least I can get rid of this cheap ass fire ball." Jack said.
Jack swapped Incinerate with Electro Bolt. He stopped at the Circus of Values and tried hacking it. He failed so he just broke down and bought some potato chips at full price. Jack jumped off the nearby plank and went down the hall, snacking on his chips. He came to a Health station, which he paid no mind to. Then all of a sudden, he saw a shadow on the wall of another hall. Nervous, he drew his Shotgun and carefully advanced towards the shadow, still eating chips.
The Shadow darted away. Jack fired his shotgun at the wall and fell down.
"Damn, I thought this was Bioshock. Not F.E.A.R." He said.
Jack got up again and went through the door. He was in an open area with 2 boardwalks. He was standing on one. Between them was some weird crap. He saw some Splicers shooting at some different dude in a diving suit. Only this one wasn't all brawn and used a drill. It had a frigging Rivet gun, like the one Isaac used in the last chapter, but more primitive.
The Splicers stood on a higher platform, firing at it from the safety of it's height. The Rosie (Thats what they're called) pulled out this light green thing and threw it at the splicers. Upon coming in contact with them, it exploded and the bodies fell down to the floor. Jack soon noticed a Little Sister beside it.
"Hey Atlas? Are there different kinds of Big daddies?" Jack asked.
"Oh yeah, boyo. There are 2 kinds so far. They invent another during Bioshock 2 and also had a prototype model which also appears in Bioshock 2." Atlas said.
Jack took a few steps forward before he was hit in the arm by a bullet. He dove for cover behind a post and peeked around it. There was a turret underneath the opposite boardwalk.
"I am really getting pissed at the placement of enemies in this game." He muttered to himself.
Jack armed his pistol with AP rounds and jumped off the boardwalk he was on. Another turret that was beneath his boardwalk shot him several times in the back.
"You Fucker!" Angry, he turned to face it. The other turret shot him in the back several times as well. They did this 3 times and if it weren't for the push button healing process, Jack would have died. Angry, Jack zapped the closest turret with Electro bolt and destroyed the other with his pistol. He crawled under the nearest boardwalk and hacked the turret.
He crawled out from that boardwalk and went into the center area. He picked up the tonic on the ground, it was Medical expert.
"Increased health restoration? Pfffffffttt. That's why I can hold 9 med kits." He said.
He threw it in his gene bank and went under the opposite boardwalk. He found some AP ammo for the Machine gun and an Audio diary.
"Well, Timmy H is dead. Oh well. Hes got a nice bathysphere. If I took it, I wouldn't have to ride on that cruddy public one. Lets see... Where did I leave his keys? Maybe on his corpse. What was the damn combination? Lets see...1016? No. 8466? No. 7463? No. Damn it. I should have written it down. Jeez. I could use a smoke. How much dough do I got? $23.71? Damn, those cigarettes are 50 bucks. I could afford a pack or two if I sold Jimmy's bathysphere. Where did I leave his keys again? God, I need to wrap a string around my finger or something. Wait, there is one around my finger. I wonder what it's for?" It said.
Jack almost fell asleep during the diary. He crawled out from under the Boardwalk and encountered a male splicer in a suit with a baseball bat.
"Hey! You stole my stashed AP ammo! You bastard!" It cried.
Jack decided to try out his new Enrage Plasmid. He equipped it and was surprised to see a rotten apple spawn from his hand.
"What the hell? How do apples fit into all this?" He asked himself.
He gave up on that question and threw the apple at the splicer. He turned red and screamed. He ran over to the Rosie and swatted it in the head with his bat. It broke and the Rosie filled him with a couple of rivets.
"Ha Ha Ha. I could get used to this." Jack said.
A female splicer in a red dress with a pistol came out from a nearby door.
"Were you the one who rummaged through my underwear drawer?" She demanded.
Jack threw an apple at her too. She screamed and shot the Rosie in the head. The Rosie got angry and shot her with a rivet. The splicer weathered this and ran across the room into the corridor Jack entered through. The Rosie gave chase. More gunfire was heard along with rivets being fired. The Rosie came back into the room, calm. Jack saw the corpse of the splicer, pinned to the wall behind the door.
"Alright. Time to get down to business." Jack said.
He zapped the Rosie with Electro bolt and ran up behind him.
"Wait. Rosies are male?" He asked, pausing his attack.
The rosie turned around and swatted him back. Then, Jack learned something very important about Rivets. They hurt like crap man! As a result of being shot in the groin with one. He jumped up and blasted it back with his shotgun. The electric buck stunned it in place. Jack shoved his shotgun right in front of it's helmet and pulled the trigger. Blood and glass flew everywhere as the Rosie slumped over, dead. Jack looted it's body.
"Sweet. Exploding buck and 100 bucks! Now, wheres that little bitch?" He asked himself.
He looked under the boardwalk and in the entrance corridor. Then he checked the ash tray and waste basket. The little sister was nowhere to be found.
"Where the fuck is that little bitch?" Jack asked himself again.
Then he was horrified when he saw her come out of a nearby door, with another Rosie. He snatched the Radio out of his vest pocket and yelled into it.
"ATLAS! Can little sisters create new big daddies?" Jack demanded.
"No, boyo." Atlas said.
"Do some big daddies wander alone?" Jack asked.
"Yes." Atlas said.
"Motherfucker! I killed the wrong one!" Jack hissed.
"Then kill this one the same way you killed the other boyo." Atlas said.
"I can't! I used up all my Electric buck!" Jack yelled.
"Then find some other way to kill it!" Atlas said.
Jack sat down on the boardwalk and started thinking. Could he pretend to drink with it and, when they toast, slip some poison in the drinks? Nope, how can it drink through that helmet? What if he just kept whacking it with his wrench and regenerate at a Vita chamber if he dies, and does it continuously. Nahh, that's stupid. Could he just grab the little sister and hide somewhere? Nahh, that's weak.
What if he used an Umbrella to lure it into a washing machine, set it on high, threw some tooth picks inside, turned off the machine, shove the machine into the Rapture Metro, light the inside of it with fire, spread salt around the bathysphere, and bang on it with his wrench until that annoying narrator from Crackdown runs into the sphere, strips off his clothes and dances until he dies of exhaustion and his soul incinerates anything in the sphere. Jack is a weird guy.
Suddenly a weird purple light appeared on the glass of the chamber. A familiar black cartoon cat with a white face and pink nose fell through it and landed in front of Jack. As the cat tried to get up, a yellow bag with black x's slammed down on him.
"Baby Felix?" Jack asked.
"I really need to repair that mirror." Baby Felix, the cat, muttered.
"What are you doing in Rapture?" Jack asked.
"You see, I was screwing around in my room-" Baby Felix started.
All Jack heard after that was "blah Blah Blah Blah". He suddenly felt some kind of plan coming into effect. He looked at his left hand, which still had the Enrage apple. Then he looked at the Rosie. Then at Baby Felix. Then his hand, then Felix, then the Rosie. Then his hand, then the Rosie, then Felix. Then the Rosie, then Felix, then a picture of Lara croft from Tomb Raider in a bikini. Jack had no idea where that last one came from.
"..And then after I realized I wear clothes optionally-" Baby Felix tried to finish.
That was the last thing he said before an Enrage apple hit him on the side of the head. His eyes glowed red and red smoke fumed from him.
"Magic bag, do your stuff!" He yelled in a demonic voice.
His yellow bag shape shifted into a double bladed chainsaw. He pulled the cord and it roared to life. He charged at the Rosie and Jack watched in terror as he sliced off it's limbs like they were plastic. The Rosie's decapitated head landed right in front of Jack. Baby Felix held the chainsaw in the air and yelled in a blood thirsty manner. Seconds later, his head exploded into bloody chunks, as a result of Jack's pistol loaded with AP rounds. Baby Felix's headless corpse slumped to the ground. His chainsaw changed back into a bag.
Jack rescued the little sister, getting 80 ADAM. As she ran off to a vent, Jack looted the Rosie's decapitated body. Then, out of curiosity, he opened Baby Felix's bag. He pulled out a dozen chocolate bar wrappers. "Jeez, I'm surprised he isn't a diabetic."
"You have save the lives of my little ones. They have left you a gift at the gatherer's garden." the Woman he met earlier said over the radio.
"Who the fuck are you?" Jack asked.
"They call me Tenenbaum." She said.
"Tenenbaum? Are you russian or something?" Jack asked.
There was no response. Jack looked through the bag again and found a piece of chocolate cake. Jack took a bite out of it and went into the next area. About time too, I spent 4 pages on the same area! After Jack left, Future Felix poked his head through the top of the bag.
"Baby Felix, can you explain to me why I found a snake in my bed?" He asked before he spotted Baby Felix's headless corpse.
Future Felix gasped at the gruesome sight. He almost had a heart attack. In all his years of those ridiculous cartoons he's been in, he had never before seen something from an M-rated fanfic. But that wasn't the worst of it.
"If...If hes dead. Then I'm-" Future Felix said before he blinked out of existence.
Meanwhile, Jack came to another Gatherer's Garden Machine. A Little sister placed a gift box at the foot of it.
"Sweet! More ADAM!" Jack said as he reached out for her.
She ran away before he could grab her. He searched the gift box, it had 200 ADAM, Hypnotize Big Daddy tonic and more AP pistol rounds. Satisfied, he checked out the gatherer's garden. There was a Plasmid slot (100 ADAM), Winter Blast (60 ADAM), Health upgrade (80 ADAM), Sonic Boom (40 ADAM) and Target Dummy (60 ADAM). He had 240 ADAM.
"God, I wish the author would stop making this sound like a math problem." Jack muttered.
Since he liked to kill stuff, he bought Winter Blast and Sonic Boom. He replaced both Enrage and Electro Bolt with them. Then, he bought an additional Plasmid slot, which he put Hypnotize Big daddy in. He went around the other side of the pillar the Garden was in front of and found a circus of Values machine. He went to the nearby gene bank and equipped speedy hacker tonic. Then he managed to hack the machine with little difficulty. He bought some more potato chips and some standard shotgun ammo. He also purchased the exclusive Hacking tool.
"Maybe hacking isn't all that bad after all. Or maybe it's that chocolate cake going to my head." He thought, licking the chocolate icing off his lips.
As he neared the edge of the boardwalk, a turret on top of a lower structure fired at him. He dove behind a posts. "How can they afford to build these damn things?"
He popped out and froze it with Winter blast. Then he sprinted to it and hacked it, which was easier since it was frozen.
"Hello." It said.
"Stop talking!" Jack said as he hit it with his wrench.
Jack decided to have a look around the lower level first. He blasted away a splicer that was in his way. He found more AP ammo for his machine gun. He also saw some items on the ledges under the waterfalls.
"Thats stupid. How the hell am I supposed to reach those?" He asked himself.
He went around the corner and saw something blue behind a locked gate. Upon closer examination, it was a body tied to an electrical frame. There was an Audio diary and Machine gun rounds behind it as well. It was locked with one of those stupid keypads.
"No sweat, these things can't be any more difficult to hack than a safe." He said.
Unfortunately, he was wrong. As he uncovered the tiles, he found an overload tile.
"Hmmmm. What did those do again? I think they end the hack instantly." He thought.
He routed the fluid into the overload tile. As you may have guessed, it exploded on him, throwing him back against a concrete wall. He then fell on top of these boxes. He looked through them and found 3 different kinds of liquor. Knowing his health was low and that he loved to drink, he consumed all of them.
"I'm gonna shove my foot up that keypad's ass." He slurred.
He stumbled over to the keypad and whacked it with his wrench. The numbers flew off and the frame bended. The door opened and he fell in. He grabbed the audio diary and ammo.
"Alright Timmy, wheres Fontaine? Who the hell is Fontaine? AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Okay, lets try a different question. What does a cow say? Uhhhh, quack? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! If I had one orange and you gave me another, how many would I have? I wouldn't give you my damn orangeSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Alright, back to business. Where did you get all that ADAM? I butchered a Little sister to get it. Don't you know thats illegal? It is? Then how is a guy supposed to get some ADAM? I'm not sure really, it was never explained in the game. Why did you need all this ADAM? So I could purchase Telekinesis. That way, I wouldn't have to get off my couch to get a beer. You know they're free samples at Dandy Dental? Are you shitting Me? Well I got a Spyro fanclub meeting to get to. I'm afraid you've heard too much. Like whaTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!" It said.
Jack vomited on the dead guy. He got back up. The booze finally wore off and he went back upstairs, towards Fontaine Fisheries. A Male Splicer in suspenders and a cat mask with a shotgun blocked his path.
"Not So fast little lamb. Remember me? I was the one who said your cherry popped." He said.
"Who could forget that?" Jack sighed.
"Your gonna give me your ADAM or I'll blast out your-" The Splicer started.
That was the last line he said before Jack threw him against the wall with his Sonic Boom Plasmid. The Splicer stuck to the wall like a fly momentarily before peeling off and falling to the floor. Jack took his shotgun ammo and walked past him, towards Fontaine Fisheries.
"We will meet again little lamb!" The Splicer yelled.
Jack entered a room with a Pillar that had a First aid station on it. The entrance to Fontaine Fisheries had a conveyor belt next to it's entrance. He followed the waypoint arrow to the entrance and was angry when the door didn't open.
"Atlas, another damn door is busted." Jack yelled as he banged on it with his wrench.
The eye slider thing opened and Jack accidentally banged on the head of some guy in a welder's mask.
"Watch it you little toad." The freak said.
"Ahhhhh! Who the fuck are you!" Jack shrieked.
"Names Peach Wilkins." Peach said.
"Peach?" Jack said before he broke out in laughter.
"Shut up! It's a family name!" Peach said.
"Who's family? Mario's?" Jack said again before breaking out in laughter.
"Listen Peach, my family's trapped in the smugglers cove and boyo needs to get there." Atlas said to Peach.
"Well you'll be quite welcome to." Peach said.
"Really? Thats a spot of luck." Atlas said.
"Ha Ha Ha. Luck, hahahahahah." Jack said before breaking into laughter again.
"If you can get me 3 photos of them freaky Spider Splicers." Peach said.
"Awww Come on. My family is in danger and you want us to take some wild life photos?" Atlas whined.
"Jeez, Atlas. Stop being such a crybaby. I'll do it." Jack said.
"Really?" Peach asked.
"Yeah, I got some new shit I've been wanting to try out on them mutant freaks. Give me the camera and I'll be on my way." Jack said, holding his hand out.
"What camera?" Peach asked.
"How am I supposed to take some pictures without a frigging camera?" Jack demanded.
"I think theres one in the wharfmasters office." Peach said.
"You better do what he says boyo, it helps drag the game on longer." Atlas said.
"Fine." Jack said.
Suddenly, they heard scraping coming from the ceiling. Jack looked up behind him and saw a small red alcove. A splicer wielding 2 scythes crawled out from it and jumped down to the level Jack was on.
"Its one of them! I'll send you some help!" Peach said.
"I don't need help." Jack said.
He blasted his shotgun and the Spider Splicer dodged to the side and Threw a scythe in his shoulder.
"Owwww. Who the fuck throws scythes?" Jack whined.
Jack shot some icicles from his winter blast, freezing the spider splicer. "That should hold him."
The splicer broke out of the ice and performed a leaping slash at Jack, who took more damage.
"There! The Conveyor belt!" Peach yelled.
"I don't have time to look at a fucking conveyor-" Jack started.
He gazed at the conveyor belt and spotted what looked like a grenade launcher made out of soup cans. His eyes shone with delight, until a scythe hit him in the back. He froze the splicer again and grabbed the Grenade launcher. He fired a grenade at the frozen treat and it exploded into little body parts. Jack stood there, motionless and covered in blood.
"That was the coolest explosion ever!" He squealed.
"What are you waiting for? Go get that camera!" Peach said.
"Fuck you!" Jack yelled.
He pointed his grenade launcher at Peach's door and shot a grenade at it, engulfing it in an explosion. When the smoke cleared, Jack was covered in black powder and the door remained shut.
"Alright, who the fuck made these bomb proof doors?" Jack whined.
"Get me them photos and I'll open it." Peach croaked.
"Fine." Jack said.
"And If I smell an ounce of Fontaine on you, I'll have you in a box!" Peach croaked again.
"Who the hell is Fontaine?" Jack asked.
"He's the owner of Fontaine futuristics Boyo." Atlas said.
"What the hell is Fontaine Futuristics?" Jack asked.
"That don't matter, get a move on Boyo!" Atlas said.
Jack went back up the board walk and into a near hall. He stopped at the gene bank and exchanged winter blast for enrage.
"I can't believe I have to run errands like a fucking Whoa!" Jack said before he fell in a hole in the grating. "Damn those motherfucking maintenance workers!"
Jack crawled to the end of the tunnel underneath the grating. He found some Anti Personnel rounds for his machine gun, another hack tool and an Audio diary.
"This Fontaine fellow, he is becoming quite troublesome. Last night, he snatched the cigarette right out of my hand and puffed it himself. His company, Fontaine futuristics has a much higher sales appeal than my own Ryan industries. The bastard is even trying to turn people against me. When I stepped out on my porch to pick up my morning paper, the paper boy hit me right in the face with one, spilling my scalding hot coffee all over my new robe. As he rode off, he called me a totalitarian. Seriously, I am no totalitarian. Sure, I may have outlawed religion or taken control of businesses, but it's for a good cause. That Fontaine wanker has to go." The Audio diary said.
Jack saw 2 splicers above the grating he was under. One was dressed like a doctor and the other was dressed in a brown sweater vest.
"Did you see the new Spyro game? It looks nothing like him!" The doctor said.
"I'll say, the thing I don't like about it is that Cynder ain't in it." the sweater vester said.
"Yeah, she had some cool attacks." The doctor said.
"Who cares about her powers? I get horny just by looking at her! She is so sexy, her black scales and her sexy ass. God, if I was a dragon, I would want to do her." The sweater vester said.
"Are you serious? That's like wanting to bang Mariel of Redwall." The Doctor said.
"Actually, I think shes sexy too." The Sweater vester said.
"Alright, I've had enough of this inter-species sex talk." Jack said to himself.
Jack equipped his enrage plasmid and tried throwing an apple at the Sweater vester from under the grate. But for some retarded reason, the apple splat into the air, even though Jack was aiming through an opening.
"Did you hear that?" The Sweater vester asked.
"What? Cynder calling your name?" The doctor asked.
"Hey don't diss her!" The Sweater vester said.
Jack pulled out his shotgun and aimed it at the doctor's groin. He shot it and it bounced off the grating. He realized what was happening.
"Damn It! The fucking designers didn't put holes in this grate texture!" Jack said to himself.
"I swore I heard something." The sweater vester said.
"Your just trying to change the subject." The Doctor said.
"Hey, I'm sure you want to bang someone of a different species too." The Sweater vester said.
"Oh Fuck this." Jack said.
He crawled back down the to the way he came in and jumped out of the opening.
"No, I don't, because it's frigging creepy!" the Doctor said.
Before the Sweater vester could say anything, Jack hit him with an Enrage apple. He growled and hit the doctor with his pipe.
"Hey calm down! I was just screwing around with you!" The doctor said.
The doctor pulled out his pistol and shot the sweater vester several times. The sweater vester dropped dead as the doctor stood over him.
"I'm gonna miss having arguments with you buddy." The doctor said as he stood over the sweater vester.
The doctor's sorrow was ended by 30 machine gun rounds to the chest by Jack. He looted their corpses and went to the upper wharf. He heard loud stomping as he reached the top. In the first room was a bunch of tables, items scattered about. To be honest, I forgot what these rooms even looked like. There was dead fish all over the place. Jack picked up an audio diary near some of them.
"This sea slug. It has super powers. One day, this man who couldn't move his leg got bit by one. Next day, he Olympic runner. Most people don't believe me. They dislike my German accent. The slug carries strange juice. Not kind kool-aid man made out of. Kind that looks like blood and gives you super powers. I could make fortune selling sea slugs. I need money, that for sure. And one other thing...I forgot what it was. Hopefully, Juice won't be used for evil." It said.
"That German bitch discovered ADAM? I thought it was the guy who wrote the bible. No offense, Christian readers." Jack said.
Jack looked to the left and saw another Rosie with another little sister. He saw the little sister as a bag of money.
"Sweet, once I kill her, I can afford that health upgrade." Jack said to himself.
As he crept out of the stairwell, a turret from the end of the hallway opened fire on him. Pissed, he blasted it with his Machine gun. Then Jack got shot in the hip by a splicer with a pistol.
"You killed my brother!" The Splicer yelled.
"Which one was your brother?" Jack asked.
While the splicer pondered the simple question, Jack hit him with enrage. The Splicer turned around and shot at the Rosie. The Rosie threw a grenade at him, sending him flying down to where the turret's husk was. Jack discovered another audio diary by a teddy bear by a sister vent.
"My daughter Masha, she was kidnapped by one of those massive robots. They turned her into one of those little Vampire girls. Masha, if your hearing this tape, please come home. And I'm out of milk, could you pick up a gallon at the store?" It said.
Jack saw corpse, which he looted and found another audio diary.
"I picked up Timmy H today. He was dancing around this dead girl. I was about to ask him for some information and I suddenly realized I was out of Cigarettes, again. So I grabbed him and made him buy me some more. Then we went to the bar, where I boozed him up. He kept talking about Fontaine practicing an Irish accent and-" the diary said before-
"Turn it off boyo!" Atlas yelled.
Jack switched it off.
"What's the big idea?" Jack asked.
"uuhhh unn, That diary was equipped with special hypnotic rays that would turn you into a slave of Andrew Ryan." Atlas said.
"Whoa, thanks for the save." Jack said.
After looking around, Jack turned his attention to the Rosie. He pulled out his grenade launcher and loaded it with some proximity mines he found on the corpse.
"Wait, I'll just hypnotize it!" He said.
Jack armed his Hypnotize Big Daddy tonic, which was a blue apple.
"Oh wait, Adam and Eve, that's why they have the apples." Jack figured out.
He threw the apple at the Rosie and nothing happened.
"What the fuck?" Jack yelled.
He threw several more apples at him until he exhausted his EVE supply. Frustrated, he looked at the Plasmid's information in the pause menu.
"Can only be used on Big daddies withOUT little sisters! Who the hell would want to use it then?" Jack yelled.
He jabbed another EVE hypo in his arm. He was going to have to do this the old fashioned way. He laid some proximity mines on the left side of this doorway. Then he fired his Machine gun, armed with Armor piercing round at the Rosie.
"Ha Ha ha. She'll walked right into my trap." Jack said.
The Rosie got angry and ran through the right side of the doorway.
"Hey! Your supposed to run through the left side!" Jack yelled.
Jack took a couple of Rivets to the side. He retreated back down the stairs leading to the lower wharf. The Rosie followed close behind. Jack blasted it with Sonic boom and nothing happened.
"What the fuck? Is this thing broken?" Jack asked.
The Rosie threw a proximity mine at Jack. He moved to the side and it landed on the floor beside him.
"Your aim kinda stinks." Jack taunted.
The mine exploded. Jack ran down the hall, covered in black powder and fell down into that little crawlspace he was in earlier. The Rosie ran right past that hole. Jack peeked through the top and quickly jumped out of the hole and ran back the way he came. The Rosie caught sight of him and gave chase.
Jack got back to the upper wharf first. He retrieved one of his proximity mines and set it on the right side of the doorway. He hid behind a table, shotgun in hand. He loaded it with the explosive buck cartrages he found earlier. The Rosie stormed up the steps into the room and ran right through the mines. It took massive damage from the explosives but still moved. Jack stood up from behind the table and blasted it with Explosive Buck. He ran out and it was still moving. He used the last of his AP Machine gun rounds and his Pistol's AP rounds.
The Rosie was smoking heavily, parts of his armor were falling off and his torso was separated from his legs. He crawled in front of Jack and grabbed his leg. Jack drew his wrench and slammed it down on the Rosie's head repeatedly until it's light went out. He picked up the little sister and rescued her. He got 80 more units of ADAM.
"I'm gonna wait until that stupid garden thing has something worth buying. Health upgrades are for wimps." He said to himself.
He went to the end of the corridor, where he came to a gate with a lock. He whacked it with his wrench and fell off. Behind it, He immediately saw the Circus of Values Machine. He quickly hacked it and bought a shitload of potato chips to restore his health, which was almost depleted.
"Thank god, nutritious and salty." Jack said as he shoved them in his mouth.
A security camera from around the corner spotted him and started an alarm sequence.
"Oh come on! I was just buying some damn potato chips!" Jack yelled.
Two sentry bots flew in from downstairs. Jack threw them back into the wall with his Sonic Boom. Then he shot that god damned camera with his pistol. He quickly bought 3 AP pistol bullets at the store and waited for them to come out the slot.
"Come on, you could ship 20 bags of potato chips through here, why not bullets?" He asked it.
He got shot in the back by the Sentry bots. Angry, he turned around and blasted them with his shotgun. They both exploded. Then the AP ammo fell out of the machine's slot.
"Great timing." Jack said.
He punched the circus of values Machine. He hurt his hand and backed against this wall. A grenade that was sitting on top of it fell off, right into his hand.
"Hmmmm. Maybe the lord is helping me." He said as he loaded it into his launcher.
He started going up a nearby set of stairs when he heard the annoying squeak noise of the camera. He drew his pistol and backed up against the corner. He waited for the camera's red light to moved away from him.
"Why the hell do they have those red lights? It gives them away. Did they think the camera's are indestructible?" He questioned.
When the camera's red light moved away, Jack leaped out from behind the corner and blasted the camera with an AP round. He continued up the stairs, getting tired of all the climbing. He came to a hallway with a window at the end and a passage to the Right. Jack went up to the window and looked in it. He saw a safe inside.
"Maybe I can find some more electric buck or other treasures. If I were Cate Archer from No One lives forever I could open those in a snap." Jack asked.
He pulled out his wrench and whacked the window with it. It only left a scratch.
"Oh Come ON! The windows are bulletproof too? This town sucks!" Jack whined.
Jack decided to go back to that passage on the Right. It lead into a room with a series of cells in the center. He saw a desk near the entrance. He searched through it's drawer's for any loot. Then he heard a loud "bang". He looked to the left to see a primitive rocket flying towards him! He dove to the floor as it soared over him and exploded into the wall.
"How the hell do they make those things?" Jack questioned again.
He destroyed the turret that fired it with his pistol. He Walked to the entrance to the cells. He destroyed a camera that was looking the other way. He broke the Health station on the wall and took it's first aid kits. Then he found, of all things, an EVE hypo in the sink.
"The let prisoners use these things? Have the police no brains?" He asked.
He went out the other side. Unknowingly, there were 2 RPG turrets on both sides of him. They simultaneously fired Rockets at Jack. Then he saw something shiny on the floor.
"Oh, a quarter." He said.
He bent over to pick it up as the rockets soared over him and blew the turrets up. He stood back up, wondering what the noise was. He went into the office and shot another easily identified camera. He picked up the audio diary on the desk.
"This job blows! They don't let me smoke in the office, they don't let me use the woman's restroom, They don't let me come to work in my underwear, they don't let me listen to my music and they keep stealing my pencils! Oh, they also set up that case with Jimmy H. But who gives a shit about that? This dick weeds can have my badge. I'm gonna pursue my career as a Ballerina." The Diary said.
Jack found another unfamiliar machine. It looked like a giant lever. We all know this as a bot shutdown panel.
"This would have been handy a page ago!" He said.
Jack saw another air vent. He kicked it in and crawled through it. He wound up in the room with the safe he saw earlier.
"Good, now to work my super sneaky safe cracking skills." He said.
He easily hacked it and opened it. He found some Anti Personal rounds for his pistol, some money and 3 Heat seeking RPGs.
"Heat seeking RPGs? Those can't follow targets. Speaking of which, I don't even have a Rocket launcher. Wait a minute..." Jack said.
He equipped his Grenade launcher and saw the RPG's on the ammo indicator.
"These are for my Grenade launcher? Who the fuck thought this bullshit up! RPGs are for rocket launchers! Like the ones in almost every FPS! How does this even work? Why couldn't they just get off their lazy ass and give me a rocket launcher!" Jack whined.
Jack crawled back through the vent and found another hole to crawl through. After he came out on the other side, he saw the Camera on a desk. It was surrounded by a gold aura. There was also a window that glanced into the adjacent room.
"What the hell? Is that thing radioactive or something?" Jack questioned.
He picked it up and another stupid help message came on screen.
"The research camera can grant bonuses and tonics when researching enemies!" The message said.
"What the hell? This must be a camera obscura from Fatal Frame. What a bore that was." Jack said.
A spider splicer jumped down from a hole in the ceiling of the adjacent room. He started picking at the corpse inside with his scythes.
"Ewww, he must be an guy who does organ donations." Jack said.
"Just snap a picture of him before he gets away boyo!" Atlas said.
Jack pulled out his camera and aimed it at the Spider Splicer. The Splicer saw Jack and put his hands on his hips like a pose. Jack snapped a picture and got a Damage increase.
"Cool. Now I won't have to waste grenades on these turkeys." Jack said.
The Spider splicer jumped back into the hole in the ceiling. Jack crawled back through the hole he came in at. Just as he stood up, and explosion ripped through the room, throwing him to the ground. He pulled himself up, covered in ash again.
"(cough) (cough) What the hell was that? Is there a break out in progress? Or is it those damn terrorists?" Jack asked.
He went through the hole in the wall created by the explosion. There was a toppled Gatherer's Garden machine on it's side.
"Sweet, maybe this one has some good shit!" Jack said.
He went up to it and tried to look at it's products, but it wouldn't work. The Caption on screen said it was broken.
"DAMN IT!" Jack yelled as he kicked it.
To his left, he saw a ledge outside. He carefully walked on it and found a Plasmid on the ground.
"Whoa, free stuff!" Jack said as he snatched it.
It was the Security Bullseye Plasmid, which he replaced hypnotize big daddy with. A short tutorial video came up.
"Make security kill your enemies!" It said.
Jack saw a Splicer standing in front of a security camera on the floor below.
"How come he doesn't trigger the alarm?" he asked.
"Because he works for Ryan boyo." Atlas said.
"Well maybe this will change his mind!" Jack said.
He equipped his Security Bullseye Plasmid. He got another apple in his hand and threw it at the splicer. The camera triggered a security alert and jack got a big laugh watching Security bots gun down the splicer.
"You can research other enemies with that camera too boyo." Atlas said.
"I'll research em when I'm ready, boyo!" Jack taunted.
"My name isn't boyo." Atlas said.
Jack paid no mind. He jumped down from the ledge and was about to loot the splicer's body. The camera spotted him and triggered an alarm.
"Damn it, I thought that Plasmid would turn camera's to my side." Jack said.
He took cover behind some crates and took a picture of the camera and it's security bots, getting increased damage bonuses. He shot the Sentry Bots with his pistol and then took out the camera. He went to the circus of Values and bought some bullets and potato chips. Since this chapter is already 16 pages long, it might be a good time for a chapter break.
To be continued...
I was originally going to write the entire Neptune's Bounty section in one chapter, but I fear the document manager won't upload it if it's too big.
Also, READ THIS! I am considering giving Jack some buddies from other Video games, like in some of my other stories. However, I was wondering if I should just let jack go through this parody solo, a direction I've never taken before. Therefore, I ask you, the reader, to tell me what I should do. Give Jack some allies, or make him go solo. Tell me what you think in your review.
Supremacists Suck!