A/N: Thanks for all the follows and reviews! For someone who has never published a damn thing before, it totally makes my day to know there are people enjoying this journey and willing to stay along for the ride. You're all amazing.
I realize there is probably an M rated Chapter 3.5 that could be done, but I know for a fact that it won't be written by me! Sorry if you returned hoping for that. But this was stuck in my head as a conversation they still needed to have before I could move into tackling Myka's illness. So I promise the next chapter will actually move forward with the story line!
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own fragmented sentences and poor grammar.
B&W~~~B&W~~~B&W~~~B&W~~~
3 hours ago Myka was convinced the best feeling in the world was waking up in Helena's arms, wrapped protectively in the woman's embrace. She was wrong. The best feeling in the world was waking up in Helena's arms, both of them naked, wrapped up protectively in the woman's embrace. She could get used to this.
That thought made her simultaneously incredibly happy and incredibly sad. Because she didn't know if she would have time to get used to this. Fate could have cruelly already put an end date on what was finally allowed to grow between the two women. She wanted desperately to be able to venture into her future with this woman by her side. To rediscover each other. Love each other. Live in a world where they were partners in every sense of the word. As Warehouse agents and as soul mates. Helena was her family. Her love. Her life. And she knew better than anyone just how hard she would have to fight to keep it. Now more than ever she was convinced to fight with everything she had to win this battle. She refused to give up. Not with so much to look forward to.
Myka felt the other woman stir below her, and gently planted kisses down Helena's neck and along her collarbone. "Wake up beautiful."
Helena opened her mouth to respond, but a sigh was all that escaped at the feel of Myka's kisses. She subconsciously tilted her head to the side, giving Myka better access, while making half an effort to speak again. "Mmmm... if you keep that up, I may never get out of this bed."
Myka gently laughed and nipped the ear in front of her before propping herself up to hover over the woman below. "That idea is incredibly tempting." She lowered herself slowly and completely on to Helena, bringing their bodies and lips together in one motion. After a few short seconds, she reversed the movement and was hovering above Helena again. "However, reality calls, and we need to get cleaned up and get some food." Another kiss. "And then I have an appointment with Dr. Calder this afternoon."
Helena was instantly awake at the mention of the doctor and reality came crashing back in. She reached up and tucked some stray curls behind Myka's ear, letting her hand rest on her shoulder. "Do you want some company when you talk to her?"
The quietest "Yes." followed by another kiss and then Myka pushed herself up and off the bed, quickly throwing on shorts and a t-shirt. She had a thousand things running through her head, but the two most pressing were the details of her appointment, and the need to jump the woman in front of her all over again. How could someone have such conflicting thoughts at a time like this? She needed to distance herself just a little bit. "I'm going to take a quick shower."
Glancing up at Myka, Helena couldn't help the not so appropriate thoughts running through her head. "Can I join you?"
Myka turned around and smiled. "You know I want to say yes. But I highly doubt the showering part would be very productive."
The pout that graced Helena's face almost caused Myka to give in, but she did need to clear her head. She walked back over to the bed, pulling the sheet up over Helena and playfully tucking it around her while kissing her lips. "I just need a minute to myself. And you are incredibly gorgeous and irresistible. So please just let me pretend for a minute you are not deliciously naked under this sheet so I can think. And then I promise to make it up to you however you like tonight. Deal?"
She was smiling the entire time she was talking but Helena could feel the seriousness behind her joking. But who was she to not follow Myka's lead. "Of course. Go on. I will be right here, not naked, not picturing you in the shower, and definitely not thinking about how you will be making it up to me later." She smiled at the blush that appeared on Myka's face. She leaned forward, hugging the sheet to her a body in an over dramatic fashion, and kissed Myka back.
Myka rested their foreheads together with a quiet "Thank you." before rising and heading to the bathroom.
Helena stretched out then and began thinking through the myriad of feelings and emotions coursing through her body. She needed to wrap her brain around the long overdue, but sudden, change in her relationship with Myka. What were they now? Girlfriends sounded ridiculous. They were so much more than that. Lovers? Obviously after the morning they shared, but still not enough. Partners? Significant others? Helena had to stop and wondered why she felt the need to label. She belonged to Myka. Mind, body and soul. That was enough.
She didn't realize how long her musings on the topic had lasted until she heard the water turn off in the shower. She flashed back to her life 24 hours before. Hearing Nate get out of the shower while her and Adelaide made breakfast downstairs. Packing lunch and getting Adelaide's backpack together while Nate got ready for work. It was so normal. So easy. But as much as she loved Adelaide, she had been miserable. How had she been so crazy to think that was the life she wanted? How had she been so stupid to deny time with Myka for a lie? She rose from the bed and threw on some clothes, still deep in thought when she heard the door opened and Myka walk in. She had promised Claudia the night before she would apologize for it all. That she would explain to Myka what had happened. She owed it to the woman, but more importantly, she wanted to try and make her understand why she had done what she'd done.
For her part, when she walked in the room, Myka immediately noticed the withdrawn look on Helena's face reflected in the mirror. "Hey, you ok?" she asked as she approached her, wrapping her arms around Helena from behind.
Helena turned around in Myka's arms and placed a hand on the womans chest. There was no doubt now that she needed to clear the air before they could move forward. "Myka I'm so sorry about everything with Nate." She couldn't maintain eye contact as she continued, head down.
"I'm sorry I left and I'm sorry I let you go when you were in Boone. As I told Claudia last night. I am an idiot. I should have come back after the astrolabe incident. I should have been here. With you." She trailed off, her disappointment in herself obvious.
Myka hooked her finger under Helena's chin, lifting her head so they were eye to eye. "You're not an idiot. And you're here now. That's what matters most." Myka tried to comfort. She'd been temporarily thrown by the change in conversation from before to after her shower, but she knew this was a conversation that had to happen eventually, and apparently now was the right time.
Helena placed a gentle kiss on Myka's lips and then moved away, slowly pacing the room. As much as Myka wanted her close, she knew Helena needed to move when she thought. And knowing how the womans brain worked, she knew anything she was about to confess was going to be some of the hardest things she ever said. So she'd give her the space.
It didn't take long for Helena to gather her courage, turn and face Myka, and begin. "I wish being here now did make it all ok. But you have to know I am so incredibly ashamed of my past actions. God Myka, I was so bloody scared of everything. Scared of myself. Of the Warehouse. Of my feelings for you. I really, truly, believed you were better off without me." She sighed. "Maybe you still are." she mumbled, running a hand through her hair, her self doubt evident in her voice. "I knew in my heart I would love you forever, but I am so scared of messing everything up again. Of hurting you again. The idea of anything causing you harm terrifies me. The reality that I was one that caused it so many times? Myka, that is unforgivable." She wrapped her arms around herself rocking back and forth on her feet and Myka couldn't bear to see her in so much pain.
She approached Helena again, gently prying her arms away from her body and wrapping them around her own waist. She placed her arms over Helena's shoulders. "Hey" she whispered, patiently waiting for Helena to raise her head up and meet her eyes. When their eyes locked, she continued. "We're going to be ok."
The tears on the verge of spilling broke through but Helena did her best to maintain eye contact as she continued. "I don't know how you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. What if there is still this evil person inside me?"
Myka rested their foreheads together before continuing in nothing more than a whisper. "You were the one who told me 'no what if's.' remember? And you were right. I trust you. Yes you made mistakes that hurt us. But they hurt us, not just me. And you did those things because you were confused and alone with your pain for so long. You're not alone anymore, Helena. I wish I could have proved that to you years ago. I made mistakes too you know. I should have been there for you more in the beginning. Before Yellowstone. I should have seen your pain and done more. Been more."
Helena pulled back, shaken to the core at the thought of Myka feeling she had any type of responsibility for her own horrible past actions. "Myka stop. You know none of what I did was your fault."
Myka closed her eyes pushing away what she wanted to say. Any guilt she felt would only make Helena doubt herself more, and that was not the direction this was meant to go. She opened her eyes and slowly continued. "Even if that's true, you have to realize it's all in the past now. Helena, you have to let it go." She gently tucked some hair behind Helena's ear staring deeply into her eyes before continuing. "I believe in you. You are not evil. You are a strong, loving, brilliant person who has overcome a century of challenges. You had every right to be scared and run. But I trust that you are not going to run from me again. And you need to trust that I forgive you."
Helena had no words to respond with. She simply laid her head on the Myka's chest and let herself be held, absorbing all the love she could feel Myka had for her. She was still scared. She was still unsure that she could be the person Myka deserved. But really, this is where she felt she belonged. And this is where Myka wanted her. And that was what mattered.
She lifted her head and met Myka's eyes again. "Thank you. I don't know how I got lucky enough to have you."
Myka had to smile at the comment. "Luck? Really Helena? I think we have had the exact opposite of luck over the years." She leaned down and kissed her. "But hopefully that is all changing now." she smiled and pulled away. "Are we ok?"
"Yes darling, we are in fact more than ok." and she sealed her comment with another kiss.
"Good." Slowly disengaging Myka continued, "You should go take a shower. I need to head downstairs and talk to the gang. Come join us when you're done?"
Helena nodded and then replied "I'll be there shortly." before heading towards the bathroom.
She closed the door behind her and leaned against it, taking a deep, cleansing, breath and exhaling out any residual anxiety over moving forward with Myka. They had a long difficult path ahead of them, but any doubt that Myka loved her and forgave her was gone. In less than 24 hours they'd confessed their fears and their desires. They'd rested in each others arms and came alive under the others touch. They loved each other in every sense of the word. She smiled at her attempt to label what they were earlier. It was simple. They were each others One. They belonged together.