April 8, 1980

Chandler Bing was eleven years old and he was very excited. Fifth grade had been a very good year for him. Sure, his home life was just as chaotic as it always had been but school had been okay. He had not been suspended all year and he had a good teacher named Mr. Brightman. Mr. Brightman had made a deal with Chandler back in September. If Chandler listened and did not goof around, he would get five minutes at the end of every class to tell jokes. There were definitely days were he didn't earn those five minutes, but because today was his birthday and it fell on a Tuesday, Mr. Brightman was giving him ten minutes as his birthday gift.

"So I'm gonna tell jokes for ten minutes. So cool. Are you gonna come today, mom?" Chandler asked as they sat at the breakfast table.

"I'm going to try," Nora said.

Chandler nodded. Ever since that failed New Years where Chandler had taken the LSD tablet, Nora had indeed tried although trying didn't always mean a lot. There were still the crazy, wild parties that happened practically every night. Chandler still drank booze and stayed up way too late and spent a lot of his time alone in that theater watching comedies, but his mom did follow through on her promise to enroll him in sports. Chandler was now taking tennis lessons and joined a junior ice hockey league. He had a made a couple friends in class and he was allowed at their houses even if they still weren't allowed at his. He was fine with that. His mom also told him he was going to camp that summer while she went on a book tour to promote her latest erotic novel. Chandler could not wait for camp. He wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by kids his own age. He was going to a camp called, Camp Kramer. He spent hours poring over the brochures. He even wondered if that chubby girl who he had met at the New Years party Sophie took him too would be there. He reached in his pocket and wrapped his fingers around the friendship bracelet that girl had given him before he had left her house that day. He always kept in his pocket.

"At this camp...I can go swimming and play basketball and then they have baseball and...they have a talent show. Maybe I can do some comedy stuff and they have choir. Can I sing?"

"I've heard you sing. You have a beautiful voice," Sophie grinned, running her fingers through his hair as she placed a plate of breakfast in front of him. "Now, eat your breakfast. You're eleven years old today, you have to keep up your strength."

"I do. Oh wow... they have everything at camp. They even have movie nights. I wonder what we'll watch? I bet they'd let me be in charge of movie nights. They have arts and crafts...and campfires. What's a s'more?"

"I'll make you one for dinner. Put away the brochure and eat breakfast," Sophie said.

Chandler nodded and threw the brochure onto the table. He dug into his breakfast, still feeling happy.

"Sophie, are you going to come to school today? Are you gonna bring stuff? Bring s'mores. Those sound like they'd be good," Chandler asked.

"Of course, I wouldn't miss it sweetie...I'm not gonna bring s'mores though," Sophie said.

"Well, if you have Sophie there, you don't need me. She'll be the one with the food," Nora said.

"No, I want you there," Chandler said. "I want you to hear my jokes. He said I could have ten minutes this time. The jokes I can make in ten minutes...I mean, I got twenty minutes alone on the funny rat thing on the top of his head."

"I wouldn't open with that," Sophie said.

"Yeah...he might get mad."

"Okay, I will be there," Nora said. She was sitting next to Chandler, leafing through her latest book. 'The Erotica Ball'. "You know we should give copies of my book as party favors this weekend."

"No. Mom, no...you promised it would be a normal birthday party. The parents of the kids in my class are actually letting them come because they're fine with a birthday party at Castle Park Mini Golf and Arcade. They don't want their child to get books where eight of the characters gang bang each other and have group orgies. By the way, I looked it up, I should not know what those words mean."

"Yes, you should. There's nothing wrong with you knowing about sex. Your wife will thank me one day," Nora said.

"Only if she enjoys a good old fashioned gang bang followed by a wild group orgy," Chandler said.

"Alright, enough of this. Eat up and I will take you to school," Sophie said.

"Speaking of eating up...Chandler, let me read you some of my book-" Nora said.

"No," Chandler said. "Gross. I should not know what that means."

Nora let out a laugh as she continued reading her book. Chandler ate breakfast while reading the box of the cereal box in front of him. Promises were never his mother's strongest suit although she tried and it was more than his father ever did. He had not spoken to his dad in two years.

Sophie drove up to the school and parked. Before getting out, Chandler looked over at her. He knew as soon as he had left the house. He knew as soon as he got in the car.

"She's not gonna come, is she?" Chandler asked.

"I don't know, sweetie."

"I hope she does. It would be nice," Chandler said.

"I know."

Chandler got out of the car and walked into the school where he was greeted by Principal Allens and Gladys. He would never admit it because he knew enough to know that kids weren't supposed to say this about their principals, but he liked Principal Allens. Ever since Principal Allens gave Chandler all those comedy albums, Chandler felt almost bonded to him and this year, he got more. Before Chandler headed to class, Principal Allens handed Chandler a stack of new comedy albums and Gladys gave him a new Star Wars Action figure. Chandler was thrilled. It really did seem like the school cared more about him than his parents. He hoped that wasn't true, but deep down he thought it might be.

Sophie arrived in the class around 2:30 for Chandler's birthday. There were cupcakes, there were juice boxes, there were friends singing Happy Birthday. The only person not there was his mom. He desperately wanted her to be there. He wanted her to hear him do comedy, to see his friends, to meet his teacher. It was not lost on him that he was almost in the sixth grade and neither his mother nor his father had ever met one of his teachers. They had never been to a Parent Teacher conference, nothing. It made him sad that his parents took so little interest in him, it always had. He did do his comedy in class though, those ten minutes where he got to make his friends laugh, his teacher and the principal. He loved it. When he was making people laugh, the attention was on him. He didn't have to think about his mom not being there or anything else that could be upsetting him. He could put his focus somewhere else. A therapist had once called his humor "a defense mechanism". He often wondered why that was a bad thing? The characters in his favorite comedies were always cracking jokes, diffusing situations with humor. Even in the silent films, they were doing that and no one ever decided that it was a mechanism. He liked to make people laugh, it was easier than dealing with what his life truly was, a bizarre world in which he was stuck between childhood and adulthood.

That night, Chandler did not ask where his mom had been. He had gotten the answer immediately. Nora had met a new guy. His name was Keaton and reminded Chandler of those Keystone Cops from those Chaplin films. He was dirty and had long stringy black hair. He talked slowly too and seemed very fond of his cigarettes or what Chandler thought were cigarettes. The smoke from it though seemed to give Chandler cravings for chips and pretzels.

"Sorry I couldn't come to school today. Keaton and I got so wrapped up in...well, let's just say, we did something that will definitely be in my next novel," Nora said.

"You didn't do it in the theater, did you?" Chandler asked.

"No...no...I haven't done it in there in a long time," Nora said.

"Wait, what?" Chandler asked.

"You know, it's my baby's eleventh birthday today. We're gonna start the party today," Nora said as she gently moved her hand up and down Keaton's thigh.

"It's Tuesday. I have homework," Chandler said.

"On your birthday?" Nora asked.

"Yeah. I have to read a chapter from Sounder which is really good. I have to answer questions about it and then I have to do some fractions and a multiplication review-"

"I know multiplication tables," Keaton smiled, "twelve times two is-"

"Twenty four," Chandler finished.

"No, kid...it's forty eight."

"I'm pretty sure it's twenty four because twelve plus twelve is twenty four which would make twelve times two-"

"Forty eight," Keaton said.

"Okay."

"Oh, Chandler sweetie...isn't Keaton a genius?" Nora asked.

"Yes, definitely. Wouldn't want him doing my taxes, but sure," Chandler said.

"Why doesn't Keaton do your homework for you and you can start the party off," Nora said.

"No...no, that's really okay," Chandler said.

"I can...I even read that sounding book," Keaton said.

"Sounder?" Chandler asked.

"Yes...it's about music man, music," Keaton said.

"It's about a poor black kid and his family. Sounder's the name of his dog," Chandler said.

"That too," Keaton said.

Chandler grinned and nodded. He continued eating, ignoring the sight of his mother and Keaton groping each other right in front of him. Instead, he spent dinner reading more about camp. He wondered if other kids were as excited as he was to go to summer camp. He could not wait to get away.

The rest of the week, Chandler barely saw his mother. She and Keaton were too wrapped up in each other, spending most of the time at the club downstairs or up in Nora's bedroom. Chandler didn't care as he was used to that. He would spend his time watching his movies or doing homework or reading more about camp. He knew exactly what activities he was going to do, writing each one down. He would even learn how to make one of those friendship bracelets so he could give it to Sophie to give to that little girl he had seen at the New Years party. He could not recall her name, but she had given him a friendship bracelet just before he left. Sure it had been meant for the girl's friend, but Chandler didn't care. He was glad he got it.

Friday night, the party started. Nora had decided to throw a huge party at the club for Chandler. Nora had still wanted a club party for him and Chandler was fine with that as long as he got his mini golf birthday with his mom pretending to be normal. Chandler sat in the plushy seats after running back and forth through the foam and bubbles, getting sopping wet. His mom and Keaton brought over some tequila shots. Keaton was still smoking those giant cigarettes.

"Here you go...birthday shots," Keaton grinned.

"Thanks," Chandler said as he along with his mother and Keaton down the shots. Keaton filled Chandler's glass up again and Chandler drank a little more before looking at his mom, "okay, so mom...tomorrow, you'll be normal?"

"Of course...it's going to be so boring tomorrow, Keaton. Mini Golf and an arcade," Nora said.

"Ugh, why do want your birthday there?" Keaton asked.

"Because I'm eleven," Chandler said.

"Alright, hey, kid...you should take a hit of this," Keaton said, handing Chandler his cigarette.

"I don't smoke cigarettes," Chandler said.

"This isn't a cigarette," Keaton said.

"Keaton, I don't know," Nora said.

"It's just pot. It's not addicting and besides, he's already drinking," Keaton said.

"Okay, take a hit, honey," Nora said.

Keaton handed Chandler the fat looking cigarette. Chandler held it to his lips and took a long deep breath. He ended up hacking a little. Keaton laughed as he patted Chandler on the back. Keaton then instructed him how to do it and soon he was getting the hang of it. He was smoking pot and as the party went on, Chandler found himself not only drunk, but stoned and craving potato chips. So half way through the party, Keaton and and Chandler took some liquor from the party, chips from the kitchen and went to the theater to watch Animal House. Chandler was actually starting to like Keaton, watching the movies with him was kind of fun.

Saturday was Chandler's party and despite being very hung over, he was still beyond excited. He could not wait to hang with his friends. He could not wait to play in the arcade and play golf. It was his day and it started out so well until it didn't. First surprise was his father, Charles. Chandler had not seen Charles in two years and it shocked him when Charles showed up at Castle Park but not dressed normally. He was dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Nora and Keaton weren't much better, while they tried, Chandler could tell they had smoked pot before they had come to the mini-golf place. Second surprise came somewhere between the third and fourth hole and that was when everything suddenly crashed down around him.

His buddy, Evan, had seen them first. They had been standing in front of the windmill. Keaton standing in the middle, his pants down. Nora leaning in front of him, her head bobbing and Charles on the other side of Keaton, sucking his neck. Chandler could feel his ears turning red as his classmates giggled behind him. He was furious. They couldn't do it. They couldn't be normal. Chandler picked up a golf ball, knowing he would probably get in a lot of trouble but no longer caring. This was his day and with one swift motion of his arm, he chucked the golf ball, hitting Keaton in the head. Keaton, Nora and Charles stopped and turned towards Chandler. Keaton rubbed his head as Chandler stared angrily at his parents. Nora stormed towards him and grabbed him by the arm and proceeded to spank him in front of every person in his class. With every smack, Chandler could hear the uncomfortable giggles of his classmates and the gasps of the parents. When she was done, she pulled Chandler off the golf course and into the car, telling him the party was over. Chandler sat angrily in the back seat as tears streamed down his face. He looked back as his mom drove out of the lot, leaving his friends, the cake and all of his birthday presents behind.

That night, Chandler was sent to his room but instead decided to sneak over to the theater to watch movies. As he walked past his room, he heard voices coming from his mom's room. He walked towards the room and heard his mom and dad shouting at each other.

"I don't know what to do anymore," Nora said. "His behavior keeps getting worse and worse and I don't know why."

"What do you want me to do about it?" Charles asked.

"Take him. Take him for the summer. I can't be worried about him while on my book tour," Nora said.

"I can't take him. I have-"

"Take him over the summer, Charles. He's your son."

"Wait...what about camp?" Chandler asked, stepping inside the room.

"I told you to go to your room," Nora said.

"What about camp? I wanna go to camp this summer," Chandler said.

"No, not after what happened today. There's no way," Nora said.

"But that wasn't my fault. I wanna go to camp. Please. Let me go to camp. Please. You promised you would be normal today and you weren't. You broke your promise," Chandler cried.

"Go to your room," Nora said.

"I hate you so much," Chandler said, sobbing as he walked out of the room and ran downstairs towards the theater. He loaded in some of his movies and began watching, hoping that the comedy would overtake him and his tears would dry up. This wasn't his fault. His mom had broken the promise, not him. He wasn't sure why he was getting blamed.

"So you aren't going to your room?"

Chandler looked up and saw his father standing next to him. Charles sat down next to him and gave him a sympathetic look. Charles was still dressed in his Dorothy outfit.

"No and you can't make me either. You haven't spoken to me in two years."

"I know."

"You never even said goodbye to me. Why didn't you say goodbye?" Chandler asked.

"It just would have been too hard. I couldn't say goodbye to you," Charles said.

Chandler let out a sigh as the tears filled his eyes. What about him? He remembered when he had taken that LSD pill and his mom had not gone looking for him because she felt it would be too hard. It all seemed so ridiculous. He was the child. When did he get to act like one?

"Why can't you and mom be normal? For one day?" Chandler asked, crying again. "That was all I wanted. One day. It wasn't even one whole day, it was like five hours. You couldn't have been normal for five hours? Every single one of my birthdays have been with your friends or mom's friends. I wanted one birthday with my friends. Why didn't I get that?"

"It's not the family you were born into," Charles said.

"I want another family. One day. I asked for one day."

"You're staying with me this summer."

"No," Chandler cried.

"You can be part of my show and I can teach you how to pluck eyebrows and give beauty treatments."

"I don't want to and why are you and mom disciplining me now? I went almost eleven years without discipline."

"We were wrong not to and we're doing it now before you get too out of control. You are not going to camp this summer."

"That's not fair. It's not fair at all. I am not going with you this summer and I'm not going to school on Monday. All the kids are going to make fun of me. It's not fair," Chandler said.

"Well, if they make jokes, then make a joke back. Since when has my son not been able to make a joke."

"One day, I'm gonna leave this house and I'm never coming back, ever and I'm not going up to my room, I'm staying here. You and mom don't get to make rules for me to follow if you can't even be normal for a day. That was all I asked. All I asked and I didn't get that and I'm getting in trouble for it," Chandler said, starting to cry again. "I mean, mom brings home guys who offer me pot or LSD and you dress funny and...I've been drunk, stoned and high and no one blinks but I throw a golf ball at mom's stoner boyfriend and all hell breaks loose."

"Yep. Sorry...but you know, if you want...I can't watch a movie with you," Charles said as he reached into his wicker basket and pulled out a package and handed it to Chandler.

"If it's a condom, don't bother. Mom got me one already."

"Open it, smart ass."

Chandler did as told and through his tears, a smile appeared on his face. His father had gotten him two Monty Python movies.

"Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail and Life of Brian."

"Happy Birthday."

"Thank you," Chandler said.

"Can I watch with you?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Chandler ran up to the projection room and set up the movies. He walked back down to watch with his father. His father placed his arm around Chandler, although this time he did not move towards his dad. He kept his eyes focused on the screen. He would get out of there, he knew he would. Somehow he would. He would make a life for himself far away from his parents.

The rest of the weekend was fairly quiet for Chandler. His mom, Keaton and his father threw huge parties in the club acting as if Chandler's party at mini golf had never happened. Chandler spent the entire weekend shut down in the theater, watching movie after movie. Sophie would join him and bring him food, but he did not leave the room only to go to the bathroom. He did not speak to his mother.

That Monday, Sophie pulled up to the curb and Chandler sat frozen against the seat. The memory of what had had happened flashed in his brain again. He wanted to be back in that theater again.

"I can't go in there," Chandler said.

"Yes, you can."

"Am I bad?" Chandler asked.

"What?"

"Am I bad kid? A bad person? How come mom and dad couldn't act normal? How come I can't go to summer camp now because mom, dad and Keaton were engaged in a threesome in the middle of a golf course."

"I don't know. Oh, honey, I don't know. But you are not bad. You're not. You're an amazing kid."

"Do you think I'll ever have normal?" Chandler asked.

"Yes."

"I bet the girl who gave me the friendship bracelet has normal," Chandler said as he reached into his pocket and pulled it out. "You know what she told me when she gave it to me? That all I had to do was look at it and I'd know I have a friend. I don't remember her name right this second, right now...but it was very nice."

"Maybe you'll meet her again one day."

"Doubt it."

Chandler got out of the car and walked towards the front gates when Gladys stopped him, telling him that Principal Allens wanted to speak with him. Chandler was nervous, wondering if he was about to get into trouble for what had happened at his party. Chandler followed Gladys into Principal Allens office and sat in one of the chairs, Gladys sat next to him.

"Chandler," Principal Allens let out a sigh.

"Am I suspended?" Chandler asked.

"No, no...but we do know what happened Saturday. We got some calls," Principal Allens said.

"And I'm friends with a couple of the parents that were there," Gladys said.

"Oh. So I'm expelled?" Chandler asked.

"No. We're checking in and warning you, you have not been suspended all year. It's April, you got two months left. You can get through this, okay?" Principal Allens explained.

"Okay. I like it here. It's normal."

"We like having you here. Get through it," Principal Allens said.

"Here's the comedian."

Chandler turned to see his teacher, Mr. Brightman, standing behind him, grinning at him. Mr. Brightman walked over to him and squeezed his shoulder.

"Okay, here's the deal," Mr. Brightman explained, "I'm giving you ten minutes at the beginning of class today to make any jokes you want...not about your family, 'cause I wanna keep it clean. You got ten minutes. You gotta go prepare."

"We're helping you. You're a good kid, Chandler," Principal Allens said.

"Thank you," Chandler said as he got out of the chair and followed his teacher to the class where all the kids kept looking at him, snickering. He did get ten minutes which he appreciated. Ten minutes of making the other kids laugh, but despite the principal's best efforts, despite everyone's best efforts, it did no good. The kids still kept making fun of him, calling him names. Chandler couldn't handle it anymore so he went looking for a prank to get the heat off him, to make people remember him as funny. He found it when he snuck into the teachers lounge and found a pack of balloons in one of the drawers. He filled them with water and at the end of the day, he began throwing them at teachers in front of the other kids. The other kids laughed, the Principal did not and Chandler found himself suspended for the rest of the year. He would be able to make up all the work he would miss in summer school and attend sixth grade in the fall, but he would not be allowed back in school for the remainder of the year. When asked why he had done what he did, he didn't know and his mom was furious when she found out, so furious that she had to have Keaton spank Chandler. Chandler hated that. Nora yelled at him while he lay across Keaton's lap, getting smacked, tears running down his face. Sophie just kept giving him sympathy looks and the next day, instead of going to school, Chandler was sent to spend the next five months in Los Angeles with his father and do all the work he needed to do in order to start sixth grade in the fall.