Chapter Four: Nigh and Nigh
Summary: Cassandra tells Cullen how she feels about him; Cullen shows her the feeling is mutual.
"Nigh and nigh draws the chase,
With unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy;
And past those noisèd Feet
A voice comes yet more fleet—
'Lo! naught contents thee, who content'st not Me!'"
–Francis Thompson, "The Hound of Heaven"
She'd hoped he would chase her, pretended she didn't, encouraged him anyway, loathed herself. Longed for him, prayed to let him go, imagined she'd repented, betrayed them both by kissing him on the cheek.
She turned and saw him coming towards her. Maker, help me. She'd only diminish him with her selfish desires.
Maker, show me how to do right by us both.
"Cullen," she said softly, resolved to kill her feeble hopes.
She spoke his name as though it were a prayer. Cullen would never cease to wonder at her.
"Cassandra, please," he begged. "You can't leave if that's how you say goodbye." He'd meant to keep his tone light, but he knew he sounded wounded.
"You are right to admonish me," she said after a moment. "I have not been fair to you."
Cullen blushed. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot – "
She held his gaze. "You've done nothing wrong. The fault is mine. There are some things I should have said to you before."
She glanced at the door to his office, standing ajar. "May I?"
His heart was pounding. He no longer knew what to expect. "Of course." He closed the door behind them and set two chairs side by side before his desk. She sat, keeping her eyes lowered to the floor. Cullen took the seat next to her. For a while, neither of them said anything.
At last Cassandra spoke. "Please forgive me for my words. I know that I am brash and difficult. And disagreeable. And I must apologize again. For – " She bit her lip. "My inappropriate behavior. I know you are spoken for. There is no excuse for the way I have acted. I shall not put you in that position again." She looked up at him then, her eyes full of uncertainty. "I hope I have not permanently undermined our friendship."
Cullen was bewildered. "Spoken for? What are you talking about?"
Her eyes flashed. "I don't pretend to know exactly what kind of arrangement you and Josephine have, but I assure you, I will not vie for your attention any longer. And I would ask you likewise to forswear mine."
"Me and Josephine?" Cullen said, amazed. "There's nothing going on between me and Josephine."
For a moment, Cassandra looked ready to wring a different answer out of him. Then confusion passed over her face.
"I thought… In Haven, when you said you were going to see her, I thought you meant…" Her shoulders tensed. "You seemed to like her so much."
"She's not the woman I've come to care for," he murmured. She looked at him sharply, eyes searching his face. "I care deeply for you, Cassandra. I don't know if you feel the same way, but I couldn't let another day go by without telling you how I felt." He swallowed. "But I would understand if you preferred to remain friends."
She closed her eyes. Her lips moved silently for a moment. Maker, he saw, though he couldn't decipher the rest. "Cullen," she whispered, opening her eyes. "The truth is that I have had feelings for you for some time. But…"
She let out a slow exhale. "My highest allegiance is to the Maker, followed by the Inquisition. I can never allow my own desires to take precedence. Before, romantic relationships seemed to me nothing more than a beguiling dream. I could not see how they could lead to anything but distraction and ruin.
"Then I met you."
She looked at him with glowing fervor. "I marvel at your devotion to pursuing what is right. In you I see more courage and passion than I ever thought possible. I must confess that I was drawn to you from the start." She bit her lip. "But you are in an unstable season."
He understood. "The lyrium withdrawal," he said.
She nodded. "You placed yourself under my charge. That, and the fact I have been taught to be cautious where relationships are concerned." She added quickly, "I do not mean to cast aspersions on your character. There are very few people I have ever trusted completely."
"That's perhaps prudent in these times," he said. They had both been betrayed by many they had held close. "There's no need to apologize. I take no offense."
She let out a long breath, shoulders relaxing. "I am grateful for your understanding. Truly. It means a lot to me."
"As your confidence does to me." After a moment, he said wistfully, "You said you had a weakness for me. I wish I were more able to lend you strength."
She looked at him curiously. "But you already do."
She reached for his hand, interlacing her fingers with his. For a while, they sat there without speaking, letting the silence settle comfortably between them. It felt right not to rush into things – even if, Cullen thought with an inward smile, that was the last thing anyone would have associated with Cassandra. That she was being so careful was a sure indication of how seriously she took their relationship, and rather than growing impatient, he found he revered her all the more for it.
"So where does this leave us?" he asked gently, when enough time had passed. She bit her lip again.
"I don't know. Our lives are strange and unpredictable. It seems a little frivolous to hope for a – an ordinary courtship, as much as I enjoyed the pleasure of your company tonight, truly I did." She paused. "But things are changing so quickly now. Just this past week when I rode out, I worried that I wouldn't return to tell you how I feel – that I – I long to be yours."
She was looking at him with such tenderness that he could hardly bear it. How was it that a woman of such strength and assurance could think him worthy of her? "Cassandra," he said, touching her hand to his lips, and she shivered. "If you wish it, I would give my life to honor you."
That snapped her out of her trance. "Honor me?" she said, almost scornfully. "I hope you intend to do much more than honor me."
The look she gave him then could have melted steel. He reached for her as she moved towards him, and their lips met in a smoldering kiss. He pulled her close, feeling her body yield at his touch. His gentle caresses grew bolder, and she gave a little gasp as his tongue darted out to touch hers, before parting her lips to allow him in deeper. The way sighed and moaned to let him know she enjoyed what he was doing was enough to drive him almost out of his mind, but he kept his touches slow and shy, not willing to rush a moment of this agonizing sweetness.
They broke apart after what felt like hours. Both of them were breathing shakily, reeling. Cassandra's lips had darkened and her eyes were bright. Cullen drank in the sight of her in awe.
"I almost can't believe this is real," she said tremulously, and he returned her quivering smile. "Cullen, is this right?"
"I hope so," he said fervently. "I want so much for that to be true."
He kissed her again, with more restraint this time, and she smiled at him with growing confidence. Then she stood, running a hand through her hair. Something about the careless gesture made Cullen go weak in the knees. He hoped he'd never get used to it.
"Lady Cassandra," he said. "Would you honor me, now, with the privilege of walking you home?"
He bowed with a grand flourish, and she scowled at him. "Don't overdo it," she said. But a smile tugged at her lips.
They held hands as they walked through the courtyard under the canopy of stars. At the entrance to her quarters above the smithy, they paused. She kissed him again, smiling at their mutual reluctance to bring an end to the evening. "Good night, Cullen," she said softly. "I'd detain you longer tonight, but we have much to do tomorrow."
"Good night, Cassandra." He couldn't resist kissing her one last time. "I wish I could stay. But it's my joy to do as you ask. My lady," he added, chuckling as she made a disgusted noise, one that he would replay in his mind the whole way back.
A/N: Fluffy words may have been spoken, but don't worry, there are still eight more chapters to go! ;)
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