Chapter 4

Tuxedo Fitting

"No, Sebastian, I will not go to your tuxedo fitting because your Mother is a whore and I do not want to be faced with my weight gain."

"Hey, only I'm allowed to call my Mother a whore, Hummel."

"So, what are we getting fitted for?"

"My birthday party. There will be cake and there will be no diet cake either. I will live my life on my birthday. I told my Father that I will hire a male stripper, but then I realised that wasn't any fun so I am the one that's walking out of that fucking cake. I will be a male stripper on my seventeenth birthday. This tuxedo is just for show."

"Oh, well. I suppose I'll be eating cake twice that night and gain five pounds. So what about this party?"

"It is a normal party as in, there may be criminals so watch out, and there might be an event that ends up with one of us being underwater for a duration of time. Also, there is a chance that many men will slap your butt and offer you cocaine and sex. Just say no and if one of them tells gives you a brownie, it's probably laced with pot. Highly recommended, just don't sleep with him."

"That is a normal party?"

"…why? What do you do in your parties? Get drunk and have a game of spin the bottle with Blaine making out with Berry?"

"…no, that never happened."

"Whatever. My parties are fun. However, it is normally for various people to get arrested so don't be surprised. On a scale to 'police can let it slide' to 'the court are going to charge you with fifteen years in prison', our parties average to about a 'a court order must be filed but unless they have evidence, you're okay'."

"Dear goodness, Sebastian, what kind of people do you know?"

"Know them? I had sex with them. Some of them multiple times already."

"It makes me feel exceptionally special to realise that my boyfriend had sex with at least half of the people in his seventeenth birthday party."

"…well, if you think about it in a hot way, I could've had any of those other fuckers, but I chose the one that mostly resembled my Mother."

"Gee. Thanks."

-After Fitting-

"How could I have put on an inch around my stomach? That is impossible, Sebastian. Impossible. I'm trying to eat better. I'm dieting."

"—which you can't properly do really."

"Sebastian, I'm freaking out here."

"Well, you have a scale. Use it. Secondly, Hummel, since my Mother is forcing me to wear a bowtie, you have to invite Blaine to the party and make sure he's only wearing a bowtie."

"Sebastian, what did I tell you about having sex with other men, especially my ex-boyfriend?"

"I'm not having sex with him. I'm admiring his physique."

"Blaine is a skeleton because of you, so therefore, I must lose weight to compete with that kind of skinniness."

"Who fucking cares about Blaine's weight? I want to know how his cock and butt look like without the clothes. With the clothes, I'm on constant orgasm. Now, without would be the perfect seventeenth birthday present."

"I'm your perfect seventeenth birthday present."

"Fuck you. Don't tell me what to want."

"You did fuck me. Several times."

"Yes, I did and you're hot. I only fuck hot people so you better know that I won't ever fuck you unless you are hot so therefore, I don't give a damn if you're fat or black or have little tities because you're a female to male transgender."

"No, Sebastian, I must starve."

"Alright, then I'm going to Baskin Robbins alone."

"Get me ice-cream with you."

"I thought you were on a diet."

"Point taken. Give me a huge scoop of low-fat ice-cream with crushed KitKats and chocolate chips on top. See? I am on a diet."

"Of course you are and I'm going to sacrifice my soul to Satan."

"…Sebastian, I'd hate to burst your bubble – not really – but you can't sacrifice your soul to Satan if you have no soul."

"So get one for me on my seventeenth. And Blaine wearing only a bowtie. And a new car so we can have car sex in a new car with new car smell. That is all I want for my seventeenth birthday."

"You realise this list alone can land you into a psych ward, right?"

"Only vaguely."

xo Peanut Butter/Sam