I had never been good at taking alcohol. I hadn't been to enough parties in my lifetime and so I had to deal with my older life's drinking experiences as a lightweight. As a result I got half way through my third bottle (this time it was malibu) before calling it quits; my head throbbing and vision blurred.

Using the side of the gazebo, I unsteadily pulled myself up and squeezed my eyes shut against the nauseous feeling churning my stomach. This had been a terrible idea. I groped around in my pocket for my phone and clicked it on, illuminating the iridescent screen and squinting at the fuzzy numbers depicting the time.

11:30pm. I'd been out here for way longer than I'd thought.

It was still raining and a sheet of ice cold water slapped into my face as I exited the shelter, leaving behind the rest of the bottles of alcohol for some other lonely sod to make use of. I was struggling to keep myself walking in a straight line and I was much more thankful when I was off the sludgy grass and under the streetlights so I could see better. I didn't really want to go home but I was starting to show signs of possible hypothermia, so I sighed and began heading in that direction, my whole body shaking and staggering and mildly disorientated.

This isn't fair I thought to myself once again.

Holtzmann got me into this state, she made me go out and get drunk and so now I'm dizzy and sick and cold because of her.

The logic of my drunken stupor was undeniably faultable but it drove me homeward regardless and so I let it carry me on.

I bet she doesn't even regret what she said. Fucking look at you Erin. You drove her away and now you want to come crawling back, drunk and in the rain whilst she's probably with that girl again. I bet she's kissing Holtzmann. Imagine you're her, kissing Holtzmann. Imagine the feeling of her lips and the taste of her tongue and the way she'd press her mouth to your neck. Imagine the moment the engineer would slip her shaking hands down the waistband of your-

That girl she's with is everything you want to be.

For some reason the thought of this sent me into a spiralling rage, and before I knew what I was doing, I was turning off down a different road.

I wasn't letting Holtz get away with this.

She couldn't just fuck me over.

We were going to have a little talk.

Holtzmann's apartment was actually only a five or ten minute walk from where I was, but I was so drunk that it took me 20 minutes in which I got lost three times and nearly threw up once to actually reach there. Once I'd made it to the block of flats it only took me two failed attempts to find the correct apartment because I kept on reading the numbers wrong.

I leant one wrist against Holtz's wooden door frame to keep myself upright and rapped heavily on the door with my other, waiting patiently for her to answer. She opened the door surprisingly quick considering it was gone midnight, and I quickly noted the half drunk beer in her hand and that she was still fully clothed in a muscle tank ironically printed with the words Heart Ache and a set of low-slung yoga pants. Her face was one of surprise as she clocked my soaking wet, sagging form outside her door.

"Oh Erin! Shit you're soaking; you must be freezing and..." she trailed off, her face becoming more confused "hang on what are you doing here?"

This was it. My chance to drag her down, to tell her how I felt and explain what she'd done to me.

"I uh... I came here to see how things were going for you" I managed, my voice only barely slurred. Nice going Gilbert.

"Oh" she replied bluntly. "At twelve am?"

I winced slightly.

"Yeah okay that's a bit of a lie" I admitted with a dismissive wave of my hand

"I wanted to say sorry for earlier when I threw the coffee n all that" I said in a slightly embarrassed tone, refusing to make eye contact with the blonde as my cheeks flushed. I was really screwing this up. Holtz ignored my comment and furrowed her brow, sighing a little

"Erin have you been drinking?" I looked at her incredulously

"What, no?"

A pause

"Yeah I'm very fucking drunk"

Holtzmann looked weary and she sighed louder this time, stepping back into the threshold of her apartment.

"Erin go home and get some rest, you need to just warm yourself up and go to sleep. Maybe take some aspirin" she added thoughtfully with a shrug. I didn't reply; I couldn't believe she was blowing me off like this.

"Goodnight Erin" the engineer began closing the door and a sudden stab of annoyance plucked at my stomach. You aren't getting away this time Holtz. I quickly grabbed her wrist and moved forwards, blocking the path of the door.

"Wait no!" I called, my voice strained "Holtz we need to talk; things aren't..." I trailed off, peering closer at her face and noticing the red tinge to her eyes, and my grip relaxed.

"Hang on, have you been crying?" I muttered quietly. Her face flushed red. I'd caught her off guard, and she wrestled her arm free of my grasp, pulling it close to her chest.

"Erin you should really go. Go call Kevin and get him to pick you up or something. He's probably worrying about you." she muttered, a touch of bitterness ebbing at her voice. I snorted.

"Who gives a fuck about Kevin?"

Holtzmann's cold, blue eyes fixed on me with a look of pure disapproval, and she clenched her jaw. I was ashamed to admit that in the second she looked angry I was hopelessly turned on.

"Apparently you do Erin, since you went off and kissed him" she pointed out. That hurt. It was a low blow but a true one and I stepped back from her marginally, the alcohol causing me to stagger.

"Jesus christ Holtzmann" I managed to stutter, trying to stop the burning sensation in my throat from developing into tears. She wasn't going to win this fight.

"Just go home Erin." She replied and this time her voice just sounded sad. Maybe she was going to win this fight after all. The door began to close for the second time this evening and a sense of panic set in. It was now or never, all or nothing. Normally I would've backed down by now but my brain was warped by alcohol and it drove me to some strange new type of confidence and as the door swung to close I took a deep breath and piped up, my voice coming across stronger than I'd been expected.

"If you didn't want me you could've just said Holtzmann."

My chest was thudding with pure panic but the door stopped mid arc and cracked open a few more millimetres. A pair of ice blue eyes stared back at me through the gap.

It'd worked.

"You think this is about me not WANTING you??" Holtzmann replied incredulously, swinging the door wide open again

"You went out and got fucking bevved just because I didn't want you?"

I chewed on my lip, my eyes narrowing. Admittedly it sounded a bit stupid. I didn't care about sounding stupid anymore though. This was my chance to take back my dignity and I was going to get it or die trying.

"The other night you nearly kissed me" I continued, bulldozing ahead.

"We nearly kissed and I've NEVER wanted anything more," my voice was raised and Holtzmann flinched as I gestured angrily towards her with my hand.

"I was confused and so I didn't commit to it, fine, okay whatever, it was a dumb move on my part but you didn't have to go out with some girl the very next day to prove a point". Holtzmann frowned angrily as I realised the hypocrisy of my statement.

"Erin you literally kissed Kevin to get back at me; you're in no place to call me out on that". Her voice was high, tired, strained. That strong resolve she built herself on was fading rapidly.

I was barely even aware of what she was saying, what I was saying. Words were just tumbling out of my mouth in rapid succession.

"Holtz I kissed Kevin because of you! I kissed him to hurt you because I'm a cunt, and the whole time all I could think of was you BECAUSE I'M A CUNT. I Everything I do is inadvertently for you! I never even thought I fucking liked girls but JESUS FUCK JILLIAN I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH YOU. DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THIS IS FOR ME? I LOVE YOU AND ALL YOU DO IN RETURN IS HURT ME AND I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT"

At this point one of Holtz's neighbours appeared from their apartment in their dressing gown and shot the blonde engineer a furious stare. She was already red in the face but blushed harder and gave them an apologetic wince and started to try and quieten me as they returned to their apartment. I was breathing heavily and red in the face, tears leaking from my eyes.

I felt a strong arm wrap around my waist and another hand press between my shoulderblades as Holtzmann pulled me into a hug and tried to shush me; whispering small nothings into my ear and for a minute I bought it; buried my face in her neck and breathed her in and shut up completely. The feeling of her breath brushing the side of my face and the engine smoke smell of her was pushing me closer to the edge of insanity and one of my hands snaked up to her blonde hair as I tried to pull myself together.

Dear god did I want this woman.

Then I remembered why I was here and that I was supposed to be angry and once again I was riled up. No, she wasn't going to control me like this. I angrily pushed myself away from her, shaking my head, tears streaming down my face and my lips trembling.

"No holtzmann you are NOT just shutting me up like this" I hissed. She didn't reply.

"Do you even feel anything?" I begged, so sick of opening up to her and not getting any response, positive or negative. I think that was the comment that broke her and I saw her eyes roll up to the ceiling and rapidly blink away tears as she held me at arm's length.

"Erin please..." she choked.

"No" I said angrily, shaking my head. The alcohol was boiling in my veins along with my anger and it was only a matter of time before I exploded completely.

"No holtzmann, I've told you everything tonight, I fucking bared my emotions for you and all you do is try and shut me up. Do you even feel anything huh? Is there any sort of compassion inside you?" I snarled, pushing her away from me. She closed her eyes briefly and took a breath, steeling herself.

"Erin how can you even say that?" She mumbled thinly and I could tell she was running out of things to say.

"I... can't you see.." she began and trailed off, her voice cracking under the pressure of her emotions. And then she pulled herself together somehow- stood herself up straighter and looked me dead in the eyes, her face once again conveying nothing to me.

"You wanna know how I feel?" She muttered angrily. "This is how I feel"

And then she kissed me.

I always imagined that kissing Holtzmann would be rough and scatty; a little like her, but this was far from it. She was nervous, that much was clear, and I could sense her hand hovering near to my face before I actually felt her cold, slender fingers cradling the frame of my jaw. She held me there for a while; her soft lips gently pressed against mine before pulling away, slowly, but I wrapped my arm around her neck and urged her back in, eager to taste her again. I could feel her pulse racing in her neck, and as she broke away for a second time I felt her cool breath across my face. I opened my eyes and saw Holtzmann's heavy lidded expression directed at my mouth, but she quickly darted up to my eyes, sensing I was watching her. I quietly exhaled and released my arms from around her neck, suddenly overwhelmed.

"I uh..." I stuttered, blushing. I noted that the blonde was blushing as well and took a deep breath, trying to get my head around the situation. "What even is this Holtz?" I muttered tiredly, the question coming out more blunt than I'd expected despite the fact that my anger was already dissipating.

She bit her lip and sighed deeply, her eyes wandering erratically around the empty hallway.

"Look Erin I... I'm fucking crazy about you. For months now you were all I thought about and that night we nearly kissed was so built up in my head and then you said you were confused and I assumed you weren't interested. That date with the girl was me trying to rebound or.." she faltered, searching for words, "fuck Erin, I wanted to make you jealous or some bullshit. The date went awful by the way" she added, her face barely masking the clear regret she was feeling. I stayed silent, chewing over her words in my mind.

"A-and then you went off and kissed Kevin and I was wondering if you were trying to rub in that I could never have you and so I got angry and bitter and resorted to trying to rile you today and obviously that worked and I felt so bad, oh god Erin I felt so bad I left work early and I've just been sat in here crying alone. What kinda jerk am I? And I want you Erin. I need you near me but I'm so confused by you... I just gotta know how you feel and then I swear all this bullshit will stop."

She looked me in the eyes and in that second I felt myself melt. She looked so fucking sad and I'd never seen her like that; she was always the fun, bouncy engineer. Always kept her cool and nothing phased her. But now she looked so vulnerable, so small whilst waiting on my answer. This whole situation had been a massive misunderstanding and most of it had been my fault and that made me feel terrible. I could've given her a serious answer, could've given her a carefully constructed and well executed speech that told her exactly how I felt about her, but I knew it wouldn't sum up how I really felt. Words couldn't get across that heavy stuff, and besides; I was pissed out of my mind so speaking was much more effort than it was worth by that point.

So instead of speaking, I quickly moved in close to Holtzmann and kissed her, open mouthed and sloppy. She seemed surprised and at first didn't react much to the kiss but soon began to retaliate, pressing her lips against mine with more reverence and intent behind it than the first kiss, and sliding a slender hand to my jaw. Just the feeling of her hands on my face made my heart race and I eagerly slipped my hands under her muscle tank to rest on her hips, guiding her body with my own movements. I was barely even aware of what I was doing; the alcohol clouding my judgement and the idea of being so close to the blonde sending my brain into overdrive. Just as I pulled away from her mouth, Holtz gripped the lapels of my hoodie and used them to pull me closer to her, the shell of my ear pressed to her lips. She quietly cleared her throat before speaking in a hushed tone, her voice low and undeniably sexy.

"Perhaps we should continue this inside?" She suggested.

I silently nodded, unable to speak, wanting nothing more than to attach my lips to Holtzmann again. Upon seeing my affirmative response she leaned in and kissed me again, pulling me after her into her apartment by the lapels of my hoodie and kicking the door shut behind her.