Chapter 4

When Crichton returns to the room from giving blood, Aeryn smiles at him, almost smugly, as if she has won a victory.

"Thank you." She tells him. She then casts a look to Chiana, and Chiana suddenly decides that she and D'Argo have something urgent to do.

Crichton moves closer, sitting in the chair next to her bedside. She looks so pale, so exhausted, and yet so beautiful. Fighting for their baby's life with every piece of strength she had, she had never looked more beautiful to him.

"You don't have to thank me. I would do anything, anything in my power, for you, for our baby." Crichton tells her, as he reaches to feel her forehead. She is still burning up, and it scares him. He has seen her temperature reach higher levels, but not by much. History tells him it wont be long before she starts losing consciousness, getting confused, if the temperature keeps climbing. Perhaps he should have left her in the bath. But seeing her shivering like that, and pleading with him to take her out, he hadn't even thought about asking the doctor first if it was ok. "Aeryn, I mean it. I will do anything. Anything except endanger your life. And I won't apologise for that. I want to make that clear. From the start. I need you to know that."

"Ok." She nods reluctantly. "It will be ok, Crichton, you'll see. This baby is half Sebacean." She reminds him. "That Dr has no idea what a Sebacean baby is capable of."

"Oh, as if being half human is some kind of weakness?" He says jokingly.

"Well, you said it." She retorts with a playful smile.

"Pity you made a baby with a mere human then." He shoots back at her.

"I don't think so. Our baby is going to be beautiful." She says seriously . "The best parts of both of us."

"Or the worst parts, did you think about that." He jokes, but immediately regrets it.

"That would be unfortunate." She concedes, although she doesn't seem upset by his comment.

"Not really." He tries to redeem himself. "I can't think of any part of you that I wouldn't want my baby to have."

"Ha! Now I know you are lying to me! What? Just because I'm lying helpless in a hospital bed you feel the need to lie to me." She says it playfully, but there is a tinge of fear too behind her words. "I can think of plenty of things you dislike about me...

"No." He stops her. Gently silencing her with a single finger pressed to her lips. "Don't go there. I know I have said and done a lot of things. And don't get me wrong, you frustrate me beyond belief sometimes. The things I said, the way I acted, It was never really about you. It was my own issues. I was hurt. I was afraid. I was an idiot. We both made mistakes. And I am sorry beyond what any words can tell you. But you, Aeryn, are strong, stubborn in your convictions, and so beautiful. Inside and out so beautiful. When I look at you lying here, suffering, giving every ounce of strength you have to save our baby, You have never looked more beautiful to me. I would be blessed as a father if our baby took after you."

"Well now." Aeryn teases. "Now I fell obliged to say the same about you." She muses. "But I just can't" She jokes, or at least he thinks she is joking. "You never give up, Crichton. Never. Even when it seems things are impossible. Why was it so easy for you to give up on our baby?" She wants to know, needs to know. And even though she told herself she would remain calm, talk to him rationally, she can't help the frelling tears that well up in her eyes. She once again attributes it to the human-ness of the baby inside her, turning her into an emotional wreck.

It hurts him, physically, in his chest, to see the pain in her eyes. He doesn't want to spend the next nine months, nine weeks, nine days, however long this was going to go on for, arguing with her or upsetting her. Best they get it out in the open not. "It was not easy, Aeryn. Hardest thing I've ever ever had to do. Please listen to me. I love you, Aeryn, I was so afraid of losing you, and that outweighed everything else. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt me. It hurt me deeply, when the doctor told me that the baby was in danger. I didn't know there was a baby. I mean I knew there was a baby, in some kind of stasis, I didn't know it was growing inside you, I didn't know it was mine. I saw you on the news, D'Argo carrying you into the hospital. I thought you were sick or dead. That I would never get to see you again, to tell you what you mean to me. This all came as a shock to me."

"I'm sorry," She acknowledges. He really was doing his best under the circumstances.

"No, baby, you have nothing to be sorry for." He tells her.

"I've know about the pregnancy, ever since the first day we landed. I knew it was yours ever since the first night we were here, when the fevers started. I should have told you, I didn't know how..." her voice trails off as she can't hold back the tears.

"I am the one who is sorry. I know I have been caught up in myself, in returning here, it wasn't what I expected. I pushed you away, why should you confide in me? That's why you came to the house isn't it? To tell me about the baby?"

She nods, afraid that speaking again will make the tears start flowing.

"I'm sorry. I think of all those nights you spent alone, when you were sick and your temperature was rising, how scared you must have been. How alone you must have felt. God, Aeryn, if I could turn back time I would have been there with you for all of it. I would have held you when you were afraid, I wouldn't have let you go through it alone. Hell, I wouldn't have come here. We would have gone to some Sebacean colony, found a Sebacean doctor who could help you and the baby..." Crichton too has tears welling in his eyes.

"John, there is no use thinking like that. We are here now, you, me, our baby."

"Aeryn, I wish so badly I could make this all ok for you." He tells her.

"It will be ok. You can make it ok. Trust me, and give our baby a chance. I know this baby is a survivor. Don't give up on it."

"I won't let anything happen to you, you understand me, don't you?"

"Even it it was what I wanted?" She asks. "You would go against my wishes, as if I have no say at all?" She asks already knowing the answer.

"Yes."

At least he admits it, she thinks to herself.

"You would sacrifice our baby, to keep me?" She presses him.

"I don't know Aeryn, I really don't. But that's not the issue. The issue is, I could have lost you AND the baby. Those were my choices, lose both of you, or lose the baby and keep you, there was no other option, and in my mind there was no choice."

"If there had been.." She pushes the point. "If you had a choice, between saving me or saving the baby..."

"I could not lose you." He tells her. "I won't apologise for that. Besides, that's not the situation that we have, so let's not talk about it, ok. I don't know what I would do if I had to choose. But that isn't my choice. You do realise that this early in the pregnancy, if you die, the baby dies. There is no sense in that Aeryn. It breaks my heart yes, but there is no sense in sacrificing yourself for a baby you can't save." His words are harsher than he meant, but he was trying desperately to get through to her. He needed to see some sort of acceptance in her eyes.

"So you would do what you wanted, what made you happy, and disregard my wishes?" She clarified.

"If it meant saving you from a pointless death, then yes! What is so wrong with that?" Crichton wants to know .

"Nothing wrong with it. But it would be a rather pyrrhic victory, Crichton, Because I would hate you, I would very possibly kill you. At the very least, you would be dead to me." She tells him simply.

He does pause, and he considers the strong sentiment behind her words, and the truth of them. He wonders about it, the pyrrhic victory as she called it. He wonders if Sebaceans have a word for pyrrhic or had she been speaking in english again. He supposes given the militant base of the peace keeper society they probably did have a word all of their own. And he can see it. His victory, of saving her life, and the cost to him of losing her all together, of breaking her. He doesn't believe it thought, he believes she would, cold as it sounds, get over it. Eventually. With his help, she would get over it. As long as they were both alive, they would be fine.

"Please, baby. We aren't there yet, Can we just stop all this. Just enjoy being here with each other. With the baby. All this arguing and worrying can't be good for you or the baby. Can't we just love each other, enjoy this time. You were right ok, the doctor does have some ideas, and I will try anything I can, as long as it doesn't endanger you. Lets fight this fight together. I know that baby is growing inside of you, not me, but it's our baby, not just yours, let me do this with you, stop fighting me every step of the way, stop pushing me away. Please?"

It's tempting just to fall against and believe him that everything will be fine. But if she has learnt one thing from her conversation with him, it's that he would save her life at any cost. He would wilfully disregard any of her wishes. And he doesn't even feel bad about it. He is right on one point though, she should be resting and putting all her energy into the baby. Besides, she doesn't want to fight him anymore, let him think he has won her over. That way he won't see it coming.

He takes her hands, grasping them firmly "I am just so glad, that I have a chance, to tell you so many things, I thought I never would."

"Why didn't you say them at the time?" She wants to know. Thinking back on all the times she needed him. All the times he ignored her and treated her as if she didn't exist. All the times she uncharacteristically went out of her way to reach him, trying to get his attention, and he just walked past her as if he hated her. He had to know how much that hurt and humiliated her.

"I was an idiot." He shrugs.

"I hope our baby doesn't inherit that idiot part." She smiles, trying so hard to push aside the pain. Crichton was right. All the negativity wasn't good for the baby. She believed the baby could feel their love, could feel Crichton. It was so tiny inside her still that she coudln't feel it moving, but every time Crichton touched her she felt a flutter in her belly.

"Lie next to me." She invited him, as she wiggled over in the narrow hospital bed to make room for him.

He snuggles alongside her, pulling her closer than he has held her in a long long time.

"This bed is as hard as rocks!" He proclaims. "I'm gonna complain about that, how can you get any rest in this bed?"

Ordinarily the thought of Crichton being all protective made her slightly nauseous, but somehow she just feels safe, just feels like she is the baby, curled up in his arms, and for a moment lets herself drift away into the fantasy that he really will make everything ok.

"It's ok, I didn't notice." She assures him.

"I will get something better." he promises.

"Not now though, don't leave now." She all but begs him.

" I wont leave you." He promises.

She takes his hand, splaying it across her belly. If you looked really closely you could see a small bump. Only if you were looking for it. He couldn't feel a baby in there, but he knew it was there. His child.

"The baby likes it when you do that." She says. "The baby can feel it. When you touch me, when you speak, it knows you are it's daddy. And it feels safe and secure." And so do I, she wants to add but does not.

"You have no idea, Aeryn, how helpless I feel. How much I wish I could do something. To help you and the baby."

"You are doing something. You gave your blood to Dr Magnus, she is working on a serum. And , you're here. You think I'm crazy, but the baby knows you're here."

"I don't think you're crazy honey." He tells her.

"The baby knows. I can tell. All those nights when I was alone, things felt different. And now you are here, well I just know the baby knows you're here."

"He gently rubs her belly, trying to come to terms with the fact there is a baby, his baby inside there.

"I know you are holding back" she tells him.

"What do you mean?" He asks in genuine confusion.

"You are scared, of losing the baby, you don't want to get attached, you think I'm too attached. Like it or not, there is a real growing baby in there."

She was right, he was trying not to get attached, because he would be the one to battle with her about terminating the pregnancy if things got worse. She was also right, the baby was real. Like it or not.

He gently kisses her abdomen,"I know my baby, our baby, is in there. And I will do everything I can for the baby. But I need to be prepared, I need you to be prepared, that something might happen." He says gently.

"Stop." she orders, and pushes him away,

"Aeryn, as long as we had each other, as long as we survive, we can have other babies"

"Oh, So this one doesn't matter?" She asks bitterly "Why didn't you say so, let's just kill it then!" She pushed his hands away from her belly, but she was still snuggled in his arms, and despite her angry words she made no move to get away from his embrace.

"This baby matters, will always matter, whatever happens, This is our first baby. I just want you to be prepared. To be honest, I wasn't expecting you to be so..."

"So what?"

"So maternal, so attached." He admits.

"Because i'm a heartless soldier with no emotions right?"

"No. Because I've never seen the maternal side of you. And it's beautiful, Aeryn, I'm not trying to take that from you. I just need you to be aware, this is a high risk pregnancy, the outcome is not guaranteed. And whatever happens i'm here for you, with you."

Part of her wants to smack him, and part of her wants to kiss him. She does neither. She needs to stop fighting him about this. Needs him to think she has "seen sense." Or he won't trust her. And if the time comes she has to make a decision he doesn't like, she is counting on the fact she has his implicit trust.

"I know." She acknowledges. I'm not in denial Crichton I know. And if the time comes...well we will deal with it. I just can't talk about it now. Please?" She begs tearfully. How could he say no to that?

"Ok baby, I'm sorry, And thank you."

"Thank me? For what?"

"For letting me in, not pushing me away. Forgiving me the way I've treated you, for fighting so hard for our baby, you are amazing."

For the longest while neither or them speak. She just lays in his arms, enjoying it while she can. Finally she asks him what has been on her mind ever since she found out about the baby.

"John?" She asks.

"Yeah, honey?"

"I want to go back to Moya."

"Really?" He asks.

"Does that surprise you? I know this is your home, I know my home is long gone to me. Moya and Pilot, they are the only home I have had for a long time. I'm sorry, this planet isn't home to me, I born in space, as was my mother, her mother, and so on. I know you used to dream about us, making a home here, a family."

"The fact is Aeryn, we can't stay here forever even if I wanted to. How long before the Scarrans followed us? And god knows who else. I've known for a while our time here is short lived. "

"Would you have stayed though, without us?" Without me? She thinks

"No. I would have gone back to Moya with the rest of you. Like you said, Moya is home now. But honey, we have no medical equipment, no doctor."

"We could take things with us, ask the doctor what we need to do."

"If the baby is premature they have so many facilities here to help. We have nothing on Moya."

She nods, happy that at least he is talking about the baby as if it is real. And it is a valid point she can not disagree with. But still, she isn't happy here, and feels the need to let him know. "You may be right, Crichton. But is that the real reason you want to stay here? Or is it, like you said, because I do't' belong here and you have total control over every decision?"

"Aeryn, honey, I didn't mean that."

"You meant it."

"I didn't mean it as it sounded to you. I was so scared of losing you...and you looked so sick and so pale, and I was terrified."

I"t's true though, I have no rights here, to decide anything." She tells him defeatedly.

"Honey, let me tell you, even if we went back to Moya, you would have no opportunity to risk your life in any way, I wouldn't allow it. Not here, not there."

"You wouldn't allow it?" She mocks him.

'

"No." He states simply.

"I'm not your child , don't I get any say in this? I'm just the one carrying your baby."

"Aeryn, please, seriously, you would prefer you both die, and leave me here alone..."There are tears in Crichton's eyes, so she can't very well say "Hell yes that's what I prefer."

"We cant stay here, John. What about the press? Wait until they find out about humans breeding with aliens. They will take our baby, they will experiment on it..."

"I would never let that happen. We'll spin some story for the press, just stay out of sight until this is over."

"Because that wont look suspicious at all." She says sarcastically."

"Let's not talk about it anymore, we agreed."

"Ok." She nods.

John pulls her closer still, enjoying the feeling of her body next to his. "I know you don't like it here." he acknowledges. "I know it's not easy for you in this place. I forget sometimes, how I first felt on Moya, what it's like to feel like you don't belong. But Your home is with me, Aeryn. You belong with me."

"Do I?" She asks.

"Tell me what can I do to make it feel more like home? I can go to Moya, get some of you rthings?" He offers.

"No." She answers quickly. "Don't go. Stay with me."

"I'll get one of the others, tell me what you want and i'll get it for you." He promises.

"I just want you to stay with me, that's all I want." She tells him wearily.

"Done." He tells her, and he watches as she closes her eyes, he literally can see the anxieties of the day fade away as she drifts into a peaceful slumber.