Chapter 4: Nab That Uchiha!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Sasori runs away. Kakuzu dies. Kisame's run over. Itachi's kidnapped. Oh yeah, and people buy some shit, un!
[EDIT I changed ONE minor detail, so it will make it easier for a customer to come back. Nothing major!
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Sasori crept back out of the house, a gigantic box in his arms and a big puppet grin on his artificial face. He set the box on the ground, flicked the "BRB Raping Hidan" sign off of the table, and looked around the driveway.
"Anyone want to buy some of stitch man's stuff?" Sasori asked the crowd of people.
"Oh hell yeah!" a girl with brown and blue streaked hair yelled, dropping a hot wheels car with a missing tire back into a big bin of Tobi's broken toys and running over to the puppet.
Sasori removed items from the box. When he set a Wii on the table, the girl clapped excitedly.
"A Wii! And you have Guitar Hero 3! YES!"
The girl handed Sasori a ten dollar bill, and the puppet took it gratefully. She also grabbed Kakuzu's small TV, loaded her items into a red wagon and rolled it across the street. She pointed at people randomly, challenging them to a Guitar Hero duel…
"I'll give you…um…$55.99 for his sewing machine!" a girl with her brown hair pulled up into a bun said, pouring her piggy bank out onto the checkout table.
"Okay! Let me see…" Sasori said, counting the change and sorting out the Canadian coins.
"Ooh, can I have Zetsu's Jar O' Dirt?"
Sasori paused and looked over to said jar of dirt. Then he smiled.
"Yeah…I think you'll find a little surprise in there…"
The girl's eyes widened.
"What, the heart of the sea?"
"Er, what? No…just take it and get the hell out of here, if Zetsu shows up, he'll eat you…"
"Oh, well I can summon a sword out of thin air! I can take a giant plant with a dual personality no problem!" the girl said with a cocky smile. Sasori shook his head.
"He'll EAT you."
"But I don't WANT to go yet! I was hoping to buy some of Hidan's shirts…and Dei's hairbrush!"
Something black and white and green all over poked out from the hedge, and Sasori ushered the girl away.
"Come back later!" he hissed.
The girl fled. Sword or no sword, Zetsu was scary as hell.
The half melded Zetsu disappeared, and Sasori relaxed enough to sell some more things.
Soon, the puppet had more than enough money to hire a PI to find his beloved Hiruko, which had happened to be stolen by that weird girl in the pick up truck (Kandai in chapter 1).
Lina, the girl who lived around the block, plucked a large spool of Kakuzu's weird living thread out of the box and handed the puppet two hundred dollars, grinning from ear to ear.
"I think Kakuzu is coming back out, Sasori-san," Lina said with a giggle. Sasori's brown eyes widened.
"Oh, shit…"
"THIS IS MY GARAGE SALE, PUPPET PRICK!" Kakuzu bellowed, bursting out of the house with pink lacy (bloody) panties over his head, his eyes blazing with fury.
"Ooh, gotta go!" Sasori said, fleeing the scene before Kakuzu's detached arm could grab him.
Lina ran over to Kakuzu, hopped up into the air to grab the pink panties off the miser's head, and ran home to add them to her Hidan Shrine in her closet. She vowed to return to the garage sale when Kakuzu had settled down.
She had other things to buy, after all…
Kakuzu sat back down in his easy chair with a groan and much creaking of his limbs, and heaved a heavy sigh.
He wanted to take a nap, but money came first.
Kristi, the girl who owned and operated the lemonade stand on the corner, approached Kakuzu's desk, clutching Itachi's diary to her chest.
"I'll give you one hundred and fifty dollars for the greatest book of all time!" she squealed, throwing the money at Kakuzu.
He waved the bills under his nose, as if it were finely aged wine, and nodded.
"Yours. I'm warning you, though, most of the shit in there is utter nonsense he scribbled down while he was suffering from the effects of a rebounded Mangekyou…"
"Yay!" Kristi said, and walked off, picking the lock with a straightened paper clip.
A tall girl with glasses way too big for her face slapped way over seven hundred dollars on the checkout table. Kakuzu nearly fell out of his chair when she added a pair of panties…as payment.
"I want the herd of my little ponies. Where is it?!"
Kakuzu counted the money and sighed.
"Sorry, sold out."
"Tch! Sold out my ass…I guess I'll just take Hidan's spare virgin. Mine already died. Hey, do you have any food pellets or anything…?"
Kakuzu looked around.
"Well, we HAD some virgin feed in Zetsu's Jar O' Dirt, but I don't see it anywhere. I guess you could toss it some animal crackers, or something."
"Oh, alright."
The girl tugged on a rope, and Iruka, clad in a diaper, lumbered forward. He whimpered feebly, his head bowed, eyes squinted shut as if he were afraid of the light.
Iruka's new owner also bought Kisame's surf board and Konan's paper bra. She put the bra on the virgin Konoha nin and patted his head.
"Come on, Flipper, let's go home!"
Iruka nodded and the girl led him into a white van. Some time later, Iruka would be rescued by his gay lover Kakashi…but he would never be the same again…
A wannabe Rock Lee with "I love Konan' emblazed on the back of his leather jacket swaggered over to Kakuzu with a handful of items: Pein's third grade picture, Itachi's break dancing movies, Kisame's Jaws boxed set, Deidara's cookbook and…
"You're buying a sippy cup?!"
The ditzy blonde who'd bought some of Hidan's lingerie pointed and laughed. Mr. leather jacket flicked her off.
"It's not just ANY sippy cup. It's Tobi's Rugrats sippy cup. I bet I could get at least a grand for it on Ebay…"
"A grand…sippy cup…Ebay…? Give that back!" Kakuzu snapped, yanking it out of the kid's hand.
He was seriously going to close down the garage sale and try to sell everything on the internet instead, but he was distracted by a car pulling up to the house. Because the driveway was full of people and junk, the old Buick Century had to park on the street.
A shark and a weasel came out of the car, both holding Starbucks cups, and goggled at the garage sale sign first, and then the actual sale itself.
Itachi, who was stoned from the happy gas they'd given him at the dentist, sort of stumbled around, bumping into a girl who had a handful of Itachi's clothing. Including his American Eagle pajamas and his favorite pair of Ralph Lauren boxers.
She looked at him with big, brown puppy dog eyes, he looked at her with only one of his eyes, since the other one was sort of staring off into space somewhere else, and then the girl screamed and grabbed Itachi up in a bone crushing hug.
When she let the poor drugged Uchiha go, she grabbed his green tea frapp with whipped cream and guzzled it down.
Kisame jogged over to Itachi and started to steer him towards the house, but at that moment, he was run over by a ten foot tall My Little Pony with a giant spike protruding from its head.
Satoshi, the kid with the Pledge fetish, was riding that cursed pony, and he galloped around the driveway, citing random quotes from the Jashin Bible.
He galloped over to Kakuzu, who was so shocked by the giant pony AND Itachi's unexpected early arrival that he was suffering a fatal heart attack, and stole the old man's heart medication and his ancient piggy bank.
"Jashin-sama be praised!" Satoshi said, and rode off down the street, seeking out Jehovah's Witnesses so he could convert them to Jashinism…
Itachi, left unguarded and alone, was surrounded by vultures (oops, I mean fangirls) and poked and prodded and drooled over as if he were some sort of delicious new specimen of chocolate.
Speaking of chocolate, the girl that'd hugged him snagged his chocolate cheesecake that Kisame had brought out of the car, and put it in a Kmart shopping cart she'd stolen from BJ the neighborhood bum.
"Ha ha ha…my peanut!" Itachi said when a girl got a little too grabby, and all the fans squealed.
"OMFG I think he's high!"
"Hey…you think the old man will notice if we don't pay?" a girl asked over by the checkout table. She poked at Kakuzu, who was sort of convulsing in his chair, the left side of his face sagging from his stroke.
"You BETTER pay! Zetsu is staring at us from the hedge again…" another shopper said.
Indeed, the overgrown weed was keeping a close eye on the crowd…though he was more concerned with food than theft.
A tall, black haired guy with a sword slung on his back picked up Itachi's knife and put a ten dollar bill on the table Kakuzu was sitting at and walked away, grumbling angrily to himself about Itachi's fangirls.
Akane, the girl who squealed for Hidan's rosary, threw some money at Kakuzu for Itachi's N64. She needed a new one, you see, because she'd gotten so pissed during the last Bowser fight in Mario 64 that she kicked her own Nintendo across the room.
Lina came back, this time with her best friend Eclipse, and they browsed the items, trying VERY hard not to molest Itachi or Kisame, who was twitching on the ground rather like a squirrel that'd just been run over by a car.
Lina bought Itachi's blanket, five of his half melted Fudgesicles and a box of exploding Cheerios, and then grabbed Sasuke-kun, the Uchiha's beloved Furby.
"Sasuke is sleepy!" the Furby said, and Itachi snapped out of his daze long enough to follow the voice of his toy.
"Foolish little fangirls…you lack…fanaticism…"
Just then, a particularly crazed Itachi fan hit the Uchiha hard over the head with Deidara's favorite coffee mug (the Konoha Kyrstal Koffee mug with the limited edition hazelnut glaze) and threw him in a Family Dollar shopping cart. Lina managed to rip off Itachi's cloak just before the crazed girl yelled "mine!" and ran away with Itachi in the cart, cackling madly.
"Tell me a story, Sasuke-kun!" Lina said to the Furby, setting it atop her head.
"A B C D E F G…I will kill your family!"
"Uh…what?"
"Hey…I wanna Furby too!" Lina's friend said, pouting. She had only brought fifty cents, and the other fans had much more dough to throw around in order to get a hold of all the goods.
"Here, you can have Itachi's cloak! It smells like incest!" Lina said happily, tossing it to her friend.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
A/N: Yeah…I called Iruka 'Flipper' cuz his name means 'dolphin' in Japanese.
The line "A B C D E F G, I will kill your family" is from Dane Cook. It's hilarious!
Sasuke-kun is right out of my own stories, and his lover, the evil Gumby mailbox (who is hidden behind the garage sale sign right now) will seek revenge for being separated from his Furby. Oh yes…maybe…heh…
Um, I don't feel like going through what each person got. I'm too lazy, and it's been too long since I updated this story, so I needed to just post this damned thing already! Just, figure it out yourself! Ask me in a review, if I was just too damned vague (I tend to be, I know).
This is the list of everything that is SOLD OUT.
Pein's SSSHM cards
Pein's piercing kit
Pein's third grade picture
Konan's Origami Akatsuki figurines
Konan's cigarettes
Konan's paper bra
Sasori's things (if you mention something of his from one of my stories, I MIGHT give it to you anyway ;P)
Sasori's 1937 Pledge can
Hidan's hair gel
Hidan's lingerie (thank Jashin that was an item I could have multiples of)
Hidan's cloak
Hidan's ring
Hidan's scythe
Hidan's voodoo kit
Hidan's rosary
Hidan's Bible
Hidan's spare virgin (Iruka)
Zetsu's giant terra cotta pot
Zetsu's Jar O' Dirt
Tobi's Herd of My Little Ponies
Tobi's Rugrats sippy cup
Kakuzu's piggy bank
Kakuzu's heart medication
Kakuzu's sewing machine
Kakuzu's Wii and Wii games
Kakuzu's TV
Itachi's diary
Itachi's pj's
Itachi's N64
Itachi's baby blanket
Itachi's Fudgsicles (he will be SO pissed!)
Itachi's Furby (Sasuke-kun from the Christmas and New Year's stories of mine)
Itachi's chocolate cheesecake
Itachi's knife
Itachi's cloak
Itachi's break dancing movies
Itachi himself (Kisame will get him back though, thinkerandwriter, I fear for your life!)
Kisame's surf board
Kisame's Jaws boxed set
Deidara's cookbook
oooooooooo
If I forgot anything, and you noticed, let me know! Otherwise, oh well. And if you're reading this for the first time, PLEASE READ THE OTHER REVIEWS BEFORE YOU PICK SOME THINGS!
And for those of you who don't have prices, or would like to bid higher on something, DO IT IN A REVIEW! PLEASE! Pretty please, with Kakuzu on top? XD sorry Yaoi moment!
Next chapter: Kakuzu lives! Kisame is PISSED that Itachi got stolen! Sasori calls someone for help from a pay phone (he ran off, if you didn't get that). And, um…maybe we'll get to the mud wrestling match over some of Dei's shit! I think Deidara will make an appearance, and Hidan too!