A/N: This was supposed to be up soooo much sooner… but my beta suddenly got terribly busy. I almost caved and posted it without editing, but then I sent it off to Cameron Kennedy, who did a wonderful job. ^^ Thanks again, darling.
To all of you that were concerned, I am now over my death-blargh cough. :) Thank you for your well wishes, guys, and I'm sorry I haven't been replying to reviews. D:
On another note, I hope that everyone who celebrates it had a great Thanksgiving. And everyone else… I hope that your Thursday the twenty-fifth was spectacular, too.
You all need to go look up drop bears. Right now.
Disclaimer: See chapter one.
"—And that is how I met your mother," the Thief King finished. "Any questions?"
The students stared at him dumbly.
"… Weren't you supposed to teach us something about Ancient Egypt?" Kokoru said.
The Thief King waved a hand. "Details. Anyway, Ishizu told me to do something useful when she left to go predict tomorrow's weather or something else of little importance. I just put the idea that I am your father into your heads, therefore ensuring that you will not try to write me into your fan-created stories featuring unnecessarily crude and inaccurate sex scenes." He nodded. "Sounds useful to me."
Casey raised her hand. "How can you be the father of everyone in this classroom?"
The Thief King grinned. "I get around."
The students were saved from having to come up with a response by the loud rendition of the Yu-Gi-Oh! theme song, as sung by a chorus of Kuribohs, that served as the bell signaling the end of class.
"Homework!" the Thief King said as the students rose from their seats. "Steal something from your roommate and bring it in to me tomorrow. Ten extra-credit points if it's valuable!"
"I think our teacher is a bit insane," Casey said to Stephanie as they left the classroom, checking their pockets to make sure that all of their valuables were still there.
"Maybe a little."
"What's your next class?" Casey asked, pulling out her bellow schedule. "I have 'Introduction to Platonic Love, You Morons.'"
"Same here. Walk to class with me?"
They made their way down the hall, skirting around Duel Monsters that seemed to be roaming the school freely. Casey gaped at a Dark Magician as it floated by. "Dude, what's up with the holograms?"
"I'm pretty sure they're not holograms," Stephanie said, pointing to a Watapom that was gnawing on someone's head.
"Why are all the cute Duel Monsters so evil?"
"It's always the cute ones," Stephanie said.
"Apparently."
They pushed past a group of Scapegoats and headed towards the Platonic Love classroom.
"I wonder who's teaching this course," Casey said as she pushed open the door.
"Figured it out," Stephanie said, pointing to Yami and Yugi, who were talking animatedly about something at the front of the room.
"Don't they already teach a class together?" Casey said, grinning. Oh, the implications.
"… Are you mentally puzzleshipping?"
"It is quite possible."
"Okay, everybody. Take a seat, please," Yugi said. "This is the Platonic Love class, so if you aren't supposed to be here, I suggest you leave and find your actual class."
A few students in the back row grumbled and filed out the door.
Yugi waved cheerfully at them as they left. "They'll probably be attacked by a Watapom now. They make great hall monitors."
Some of the students shuddered.
"All right," Yami said. "Platonic love. Who can tell me what it is?"
"Friendship!" Rena May shouted.
"Er, right," Yami said, backing away from her a bit. "Yes, platonic love is basically love between friends."
"A more thorough definition is 'an intimate companionship or relationship— a spiritual affection,'" Yugi said, reading from the dictionary. He looked up. "Now, who can tell me why this is relevant to Yu-Gi-Oh!?
"Friendship!" Rena shouted again, even more enthusiastically.
"Do I need to go find a Watapom?" Yami asked.
Rena cowered in her seat.
"Yami," Yugi said calmly, "don't terrorize the fangirls."
"Isn't that our job?"
"… Moving on," Yugi said, snapping the dictionary shut and hopping up to sit on the desk. "That… rather enthusiastic answer is right. One of the main things Yu-Gi-Oh! focuses on—besides the card games—is the power of love."
"Like the Heart of the Cards, or the love that we have for our friends," Yami said. "For example: I love Joey. He is an excellent friend of mine. That does not necessarily mean I want to… partake in dubious activities with him."
Some of the fangirls gasped.
Yugi rolled his eyes. "The point is, you can love someone without being in love with someone."
"Are you 'in love' with Yami?" one of the more daring fangirls asked.
Yami spluttered. "Wha—that's—"
"No comment," Yugi said smoothly.
Some of the fangirls snickered.
"No, really," Yugi said. "That's seriously not a confirmation or a denial. According to school rules, I'm not allowed to tell you anything about my personal relationships because it gives you guys the wrong idea—and I can definitely see what they meant now."
"If we said that we were in a relationship," Yami said, "half of you would storm us out of anger, and the other half would storm us making that strange noise… what was it called, Yugi?"
"'Squeeing'," Yugi said.
"Right, that."
"So, we really can't tell you anything," Yugi said cheerfully. "Though, why we'd want to do that in the first place, I wouldn't know."
He paused and looked at the fangirls. "Why aren't you taking notes?"
Yami pulled up a projection from their laptop. "This is a list of some of the different kinds of relationships. Please sort them into two categories: 'platonic' and 'romantic.'"
"But there are like, five hundred words on there!"
Yami raised an eyebrow. "Well then, you'd better start working."
Casey made a mental reminder to find more notebooks.
"I have so much homework, it's not even funny," Casey complained as she dropped down into an empty seat for lunch.
Aurora barely looked up from her raw hamburger. "Don't remind me."
"What's for lunch?" Casey asked, looking at the cafeteria line.
"Hamburgers. And eggs."
"Eggs? For lunch?"
Aurora shrugged.
"I think it's the course-coordinator's fault," Scar said. She was sitting next to Aurora and eyeing her own plate distrustfully. "I'm not sure whether or not I should eat this. Does anyone know who made it?"
"I heard it was Yami Marik," Rena May said. "Does this Jell-O look bellow-colored to anyone else?"
"Heh, bellow Jell-O."
"Why aren't you sitting with Kokoru?" Casey asked Rena. "Aren't you two roommates?"
"Yeah, but she scares me," Rena whined, looking nervously at Kokoru's table. "She keeps doing this maniacal-laughter thing."
They all looked over at Kokoru, who was staring up at the teachers' platform, making goo-goo eyes at Yami Marik.
He didn't appear to notice her, as he was too busy slipping something into Yami's Jell-O.
"Hey, guys," someone said. "Can I sit here?"
"Hey, Sea!" Casey said, pulling her down into a chair. "How was therapy?"
"It was… interesting," Sea said, staring at her plate. "Nice Marik's the counselor."
"Nice Marik?"
"Marik from the end of Battle City," Sea said. "You know, after he forfeited the duel with Yami to beat Yami Marik."
"Ohhh," Casey said, sighing dreamily. Mmm, heroic-Marik. Sexy.
"So, have your Kuriboh fears been reduced at all?" Aurora asked.
"Well, Marik says that my fear is natural, and that I shouldn't try to repress it. Bottled emotions are a recipe for disaster." She appeared thoughtful. "I guess he's right. I mean, I did get eaten by a Kuriboh. That would traumatize anyone, right?"
"Definitely," Rena said. "You gonna eat your Jell-O?"
The rest of the table stared at her.
"What? It's not half-bad, once you get used to the weird burning sensation."
"Um. Rena?"
"Yeah?"
"You should probably go see the nurse."
"… I should, shouldn't I?"
"Oh my god," Sea said, "Yami Marik just dumped an entire bowl of bellow Jell-O on Kaiba's head."
They watched Kaiba stand up, flick a chunk of Jell-O off of his trench coat, and calmly deck Yami Marik in the face.
It was utter chaos from there.
"Food fight!" Joey and Tristan screamed.
Most of the students immediately started tossing their half-eaten lunch. Up on the teachers' platform, Casey thought that she saw the course-coordinator throw a handful of potato chips at Marik's head and then duck behind Ishizu when he turned to glare at her.
Above everyone's heads, Kuriboh minis floated happily, gobbling up flying chunks of jello and eggs.
Casey hid under the table and started working on her Canon 101 homework.
"Duel Monsters," Seto Kaiba snapped later on in class, "is not a game."
He held his hands behind his back and paced his way slowly down the aisles of desks. His trench coat fluttered menacingly behind him.
"It is a commitment—a test of skill, strength, and desire to go farther than anyone else has ever gone before. It is a complex structure of rules and lines. There are times when it is okay to bend and break those rules and lines."
He fixed the students with a freezing glare. "And there are times when bending and breaking those rules and lines will lead you to failure."
"So… you're telling us to screw the rules?"
"There's a mini Kuriboh sitting right outside this doorway, fanbrat. Do not tempt me."
"So Duel Monsters is a game," Duke Devlin summed up, playing disinterestedly with a pair of dice.
"I just said—"
"Boring," Duke said with a yawn. "Why can't we teach these kids something cool? Like Dungeon Dice Monsters."
They were in the "Rules for Duels" classroom, which Casey had assumed was going to be a boring class. Everyone knew that nobody wanted to watch Yu-Gi-Oh! for the card games.
Well, there were a few students who seemed to care—but they might have been staring at Kaiba with rapt fascination because of his sexiness instead of his knowledge of the card game.
It was really hard to tell at this point.
Kaiba hefted a stack of books and dumped them into Duke's arms. "Because, one: Duel Monsters and Dungeon Dice Monsters are the same damn thing—"
"Now wait a—"
"And two: is KaibaCorp. invested in Dungeon Dice Monsters? No it is not. Therefore, it is of little importance. Moving on."
"… Have you always been this full of yourself? Oh, wait. Yes. Yes you have."
Casey sighed. She'd never really focused much on this particular pairing, but maybe….
"Ew," the boy sitting next to her said, looking at Casey and sounding scared. "Oh, god, you're not picturing what I think you're picturing, are you?"
Next to him, looking bored and very-much transparent, another guy named Gregory said, "Oh, grow up, Jonathan."
Being the only two boys in the school (at least, that anyone had noticed yet) they had ended up rooming together out of default.
Neither of them was very happy with the arrangement.
"Shut up, ghost boy."
Gregory reached out and shoved a transparent hand through Jonathan's forehead. "Gee, original."
"Oh my god, you touched my brain!"
Gregory opened his mouth to say something extremely obvious, but snapped it shut again when he noticed Kaiba standing over his desk, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Are you quite finished making unnecessary noise in my classroom?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good," Kaiba said, turning around smartly and heading towards the front of the class again. "You'll do well to remember that even ghosts can die in this school, Mr. Gregory."
Jonathan snickered.
Gregory responded by sinking through his own chair and popping up under Jonathan's feet.
"Ack!"
"I am going to turn around," Kaiba said, staring at the chalkboard, "and you are both going to be in your seats with your mouths closed. Correct?"
"… Yeah."
"Uh-huh."
"Now," Kaiba said, spinning around and glaring at the boys, who were sitting still with their hands folded neatly on top of their desks, "the books that Duke is passing out are copies of the official Duel Monsters handbook. You will have this book tomorrow and every class for the rest of the school year, or I will not hesitate to feed you to my Blue Eyes White Dragon."
The class gulped and looked out the window, which a Blue Eyes had been flying past since the beginning of the period.
It was a lot less cute in person.
Several mauled fangirls could testify for that.
"Any questions?"
If there were any, everyone was too scared to ask them.
"Good. Shut up and listen."
The students complied.
"Duel Monsters," Kaiba began, "was created by Maximilian Pegasus. Of course, there is a theory out there that states that the game was originally played in ancient Egypt, but in this class, we're talking about facts, not theories. Today, the game exists in your world as well—though none of you have managed to create the holographic version yet." Kaiba scoffed, looking like this disappointed him immensely. "The rules we will be teaching you are the ones used in your tournaments. They are derived from the original game played in our series."
"Who knew that you could make a game sound so boring?" a student named Angel scribbled on a notebook, which she showed to Casey when Kaiba wasn't looking. Angel was another one of the "special" students—students who claimed to be something other than human. She had put down Angel/Authoress as a species when filling out her application form, so she had huge wings that got in the way of everything and the tendency to have to write down anything she wanted to say.
"Tell me about it," Casey whispered back, yawning into her hand.
"Eventually, you will all receive a booster-pack of Duel Monsters cards," Kaiba continued, "but for now we're going to talk about the mechanics of the game. Devlin, stop lounging around and get up here."
Duke strolled up to where Kaiba was standing, ignoring the death glare being sent his way. "Right. Rules of duels. Who knows 'em?"
"You have to get your opponent's life points down to zero," someone said.
"Cool. What else?"
"You use… cards?"
"This is pathetic," Kaiba said. "Homework is to study the first two chapters of the Duel Monsters official guidebook. There will be a test next class. Dismissed."
"Two whole chapters," Casey complained to Aurora on the way out. "God, does he know how much reading that is?"
Aurora didn't answer; she was too busy checking out Gregory. "He is dead, and I am undead," she said. "It vould never vork!" She sighed. "So romantic."
"What?"
"… Never mind. Vhat class do ve have next?"
"Um… I've got basic sex ed." Casey made a face. "Oh, come on. That class always sucks."
"I heard that Yugi teaches that class," Aurora said, still staring at Gregory, who was using his ghostly-advantage to walk through students and get to class faster. It failed when he turned solid half-way through and crashed into Jonathan, who started chasing him down the hall.
Casey groaned. "Oh, great. We'll probably be the ones who end up teaching him everything."
"I don't know," Aurora said. "I heard that his class vas… very descriptive."
"How many classes does Yugi teach, anyway?"
They entered the classroom, where Yugi was sitting at the front desk, talking to—
"Ew, it's that bitch, Téa," Casey said, heading to a desk in the back. "Is she here to friendship-speech at us?"
"What's wrong with friendship?" Rena May said, pouting as she entered the room.
"Death to friendship!" Kokoru responded, pumping her fist in the air.
Rena sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I don't know what to do with you."
"You can gift-wrap me and send me to Yami Marik," Kokoru said.
"Yeah, well maybe I—wait, what?"
"Mwahaha."
"Do you have a cough or something? You've been doing that all day."
"Take a seat, guys," Téa said, calmly ignoring the hisses coming from most of the fangirls.
"Right," Yugi said once everyone was situated. "Raise your hand if you've had to take some kind of health class that covers sexual education."
The majority of the class raised their hands.
"Now, how many of you have taken a health class that covers sexual intercourse between two people of the same gender?"
The hands went down.
"Okay, now how many of you have ever written two people of the same gender having sex with each other?"
More hands shot up. Casey joined them, feeling slightly sheepish.
"Excuse me," someone said. "Yugi?"
"Yes?"
"Do you… are you even aware of what sex is?"
Yugi rolled his eyes. "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that today…."
"You'd have a lot of dollars," Téa said, grinning.
"Okay, pop quiz," Yugi said. "By show of hands: who here likes 'slash' fiction?"
A few hands went up.
"… Is that like slasher movies?" Sea asked.
Yugi sighed. "Slash as in… well, I believe that you people generally call it 'yaoi'."
"Ohhhhh," most of the class said.
"And how many of you like het?" Yugi said.
"… What's that?" a girl named Fleur asked.
Before Yugi could answer, Kokoru said, "It's disgusting, that's what it is! Ew! I mean, seriously. Keep your perverted dreams in your freaking heads, people!"
Most of the class looked at her like she was insane.
"Kokoru?" Yugi said.
"Yeah, what?"
"You… are aware that 'het' is short for 'heterosexual.' Right?"
"Um."
"And that heterosexual means 'different sex?'"
"… Oh."
"So you've pretty much just completely dissed straight people," Gregory said cheerfully.
Kokoru blushed. "Oh," she said again. "Uh. My bad?"
"It's all right," Yugi said. "It's actually a common… well, okay, it's not that common of a mistake, but still. It happens. People confuse their terms all the time."
"Obviously," Gregory said, chuckling at Kokoru.
"Shut up," Jonathan said.
"Are you in every single one of my classes, or what?"
"So," Téa said cheerfully. "Sex. Let's talk about it."
She went to the computer and pulled up a projection labeled, "Sex: What Goes Where?"
The students gulped.
Meanwhile, down the hall….
Logistics: Writing Realistically, Joey Wheeler scribbled across the chalkboard. "Hokay, time for learning," he said, wiping his hands on his jeans.
"You mean you're finally going to let me teach you something?" Tristan asked. "Well, it's about time!"
"Shut up! I was talking to them!"
"Do you think these guys are really the best characters out there to teach this class?" Elizabeth Frost whispered to Ebony Smith.
Ebony shrugged, keeping her eyes glued to the screen of her cellphone under the desk. "Must… find… service. Need… technology… need… service. Must… find… service…."
The class had been going on for about twenty minutes, and no one had learned anything so far. Mostly because Joey and Tristan kept getting distracted by the mini-fridge they had set up in the corner.
"Hey, gimme back my hotdog!"
"Naw, I don't think I will. Why don't you teach the class, and I'll eat this hotdog?"
Eliza sighed and twiddled her thumbs on her desk.
"Finally, the last class of the day," Casey said to no one in particular, dropping her books onto an empty desk in the mostly-deserted Writing for Fanbrats classroom. "Who the heck knew that a school devoted to fanfiction could be so grueling?"
An Australian girl named Krystal Marie nodded, taking the next seat over. "Seriously. My brain is exhausted."
"Did anyone else get mountains of homework from Kaiba?" Chrysanthemum Sintario (who thankfully allowed everyone to call her Chrys) said.
"Yep," Casey said. "How much do you guys have to read?"
"The whole Duel Monsters handbook."
"Ouch. How come?"
"Someone told Kaiba that his trench coat was tacky. He got pissed."
"Brutal," Casey said, shaking her head.
The door opened with a bang, and a man (Casey thought) with short red hair and a scowl stormed into the classroom. "Take a seat, fanbrats," he snapped. "And if you're not in the right place, scram."
"What crawled up his butt and died?" Kokoru mumbled, dropping into a seat.
"I heard that. Take a detention."
Kokoru grumbled and sunk lower into her chair.
"My name is Alister," the man said.
"Oh," Casey said softly in surprise. Now she recognized him—he was in one of LittleKuriboh's videos!
"…You're from season four, aren't you?"
Alister rolled his eyes. "Yes. I swear, the number of times I've been asked that today…."
"Well, no one really watched season four," Kokoru pointed out. "LK kind of tabooed it."
"I hate that man so much," Alister mumbled to the ceiling. He turned back to the class. "Now. I'm supposed to be teaching you all how to write. How I'm supposed to manage that is beyond me, but I haven't given up on anything yet, even a lost cause, and I'm not about to start today."
He glared at his watch. "I'm also supposed to have someone in here teaching this class with me, but he is yet again proving himself to be unreliable and, and – "
The door slammed open again, cutting Alister off.
"Did'ja start class already? Without me? Aw, I'm heartbroken."
"Hello, Valon," Alister sighed.
Valon waved. "Howdy. Sorry I'm late, but me and Joey got into a bit of a disagreement in the hallway, and—"
"Save it," Alister snapped.
Valon rolled his eyes dramatically. "Sure thing. Hello, fanbrats."
Krystal raised her hand. "Are you really Australian?"
"Uh… yes?"
Krystal grinned. "Meet any drop bears lately?"
Valon sighed. "Tons of 'em. Been knocking the little buggers out of my hair all day." He pointed a gloved finger at her. "I'd look out if I were you. You never know where they might be hiding."
"Yes, Valon," Alister said, "we know you're a stereotype. Can we please get back on subject?"
"Hey! I am not a stereotype!"
Alister rolled his eyes. "Please. You couldn't be more stereotypical if you'd walked out of Hetalia."
Valon groaned. "Aw, great. Now we're going to have to go run and close up another crossover plot hole."
"They're actually great for riding motorcycles through."
"Card games on motorcycles!" half of the classroom screamed.
Valon and Alister climbed up onto the desk as the room was swarmed by mini Kuribohs.
"You think they would have learned by now," Alister remarked.
"Blimey," Valon whispered.
Then a drop bear fell on his head.
The class stumbled out of the room, picking bits of Kuriboh fuzz off of their clothes.
"That's it," Casey said. "This school is insane."
"What tipped you off?" Rena mumbled, staring dejectedly at her Kuriboh-spit-covered boots. "Dang it, and these were brand new, too."
"Cheer up, guys," Kokoru said. "It's dinner time!"
"Finally," Casey said. "I'm starving. I barely ate anything at lunch."
"Neither did anyone with half a brain."
They entered the cafeteria and sat down at a table with Sea, Aurora, Eliza, and Ebony, the latter with her face still in her cellphone.
"Is she still trying to get reception?" Casey asked, staring at Ebony.
"I think she's in denial," Eliza whispered back.
"Wait, wait! I have a bar! I have a—oh, never mind. It's just a bellow stain."
"Excuse me," Eggy said into a microphone up on the main stage. Or, tried to say, since her voice gave out halfway through the first word as she dissolved into a coughing fit. "Oh, fuck this. Roland, you talk."
"Is the course-coordinator wearing… pants with birds on them?"
"I don't think we should ask."
"Attention, students," Roland said, taking Eggy's place. "Before we begin dinner, there are several things that need to be attended to. First is the list of school rules that you are going to be expected to follow during your time here."
Roland pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and cleared his throat. "Rule number one: there is to be no glomping of staff. Rule number two: there are to be no card games played in the halls in between classes."
The majority of the staff grumbled.
"Rule number three: you will not, under any circumstances, attempt to molest a Kurib—all right, who wrote this one?"
Yami Bakura and Yami Marik pointed at each other.
"Rule number four: Seto Kaiba's private jet is not to be used by—"
Yami Marik threw a handful of bellow jello at his face.
"Oh, it is so on, bitch!" Eggy screamed, jumping out of her chair. Then she started coughing again.
Rafael stood up and attempted to manhandle Yami Marik off the stage. He ultimately failed when Yami Marik pulled out his Millennium Rod and turned the dining hall into a portal to the Shadow Realm.
"Kick his arse, Rafael!" Valon yelled.
Then another drop bear fell on his head.