Bleak Falls Barrow and the Golden Claw
Life as a fledgling Companion was pleasant. Kill Arse Bandits, get money, spend money, ogle Farkas, beat up Weedy Farkas, go to bed, repeat. However, Frankie Boyle was becoming restless. It had been three days since the Jarl had asked her to 'follow him', and she had a sneaking suspicion that he may be wondering where she is. Following her incredibly intuitive instinct, she returned to Dragonsreach, and found the Jarl in conversation with an odd looking cloaked fellow. "Ah, Farengar, here's the person I've been telling you about over and over again for the past three days!" The Jarl gestured to Frankie Boyle.
"Ah, yes, the Nord who can head into Bleak Falls Barrow, come back on the verge of death with my stone and then die at my feet, making Skyrim a better place?"
"Precisely. Frankie Boyle, this is Farengar. I'll leave you two to it." Frankie Boyle perched herself on the desk.
"Where am I going and what am I fetching? I'm already bored with your bad acting so get on with it." Farengar explained his discovery of an ancient stone tablet, which probably won't help the quest to defeat the slugs in any way, but will probably get her killed in the process of collecting it, which is what all of Whiterun's citizenry desire. On the way there, Frankie Boyle decided to stop at Riverwood for no good reason other than the Belethor creeped her out, and she had found out in a strange dream that she would be chased to her death by all of Whiterun should she kill him. The afternoon was bleak, with rain pouring upon the grassy paths leading to The Riverwood Trader. As she reached the door, Frankie Boyle could clearly hear an argument from within. Upon entering, she was met with Lucan and his sister Camilla bickering about a certain 'golden claw'. Midway through the argument, Lucan noticed Frankie Boyle squatting in the middle of the room, just by the door. "What are you doi- oh, nevermind. A customer. Sorry you had to hear that. The Riverwood Trader is still open for business, should you want to buy anything."
"ADVENTURE?" Frankie Boyle jumped on top of the counter and pressed her forehead to Lucan's.
"Uhm. Yes, I suppose. We did have a bit of a break in. Robbers only took one thing, an ornament. Solid gold, in the shape of a dragon's claw."
"CLAW ADVENTURE. I'll help you get the claw back."
"You don't look like much... oh, whatever. You clearly aren't here to make me any money so sure, go ahead. It's in Bleak Falls Barrow."
"Seriously? I'm going there like RIGHT NOW on a mission for destroying the slugs."
"The wha- oh, I give up. Have fun. I'll give you some money if you bring it back. Since you won't be coming back alive, I'll be using the gold to hire a decent hitman." Camilla chimed in at this point.
"I'll take her to the edge of town. She looks like she has absolutely no idea where she's going." Some time later, after enduring about five minutes of Camilla's incessant babbling, the two reached the bridge leading into the mountains. "The north-wast path leads to Bleak Falls Barrow. Try not to get killed." With that, Camilla rushed back inside to avoid the stormy weather, and our hero carried on alone.
Soaked to the bone and aching with Rockjoint, Frankie Boyle reached Bleak Falls Barrow. A huge ruin framed by stone arches, it seemed too extravagant and obvious to be an Arse Bandit lair. Regardless, it was cold and she could swear that she was hearing scary music in her ears, our hero entered through the extravagantly carved iron doors. As soon as she entered she overheard voices, and could tell from the clothes that they were Arse Bandits. Oddly enough, they didn't hear the massive doors clanking open and shut, so Frankie Boyle squatted and snuck towards the pillar directly in front of her, bow drawn. Two dead Arse Bandits and one lockpicked chest later, she dropped herself by the fire in order to take in her surroundings. There were two previously slain Arse Bandits spread across the gigantic hall, along with several dead rat-like creatures called skeevers. Frankie Boyle assumed that they were the 'strange things infesting the tombs' that Camilla was talking about. Deciding that she was safe, our hero took a quick nap before continuing. The caverns were overgrown with moss and plantlife, large blocks of stone and rubble taking up parts of what once was a corridor. At the end of the hallway, Frankie Boyle was met with a large room, with a lever in the middle that was clearly keeping a gate locked. Directly above the locked gate were two wall carvings, with a third lying on the floor in a pile of rubble, decayed to the point of falling off the wall. On the left of the room were three pillars, each of which bore a symbol similar to the wall carvings, only they could be moved. It was a puzzle. Wait wait I hate puzzles what are PUZZLES doing in here? I just want to kill things! After a painful hour, Frankie Boyle finally managed to get the correct combination by means of another dream in which she used a helpful magical scroll called Google to find the answer. Descending a flight of stairs, and slaying some skeevers along the way, she heard another voice. A man, calling out for his comrades. "They're dead, stupid!" Frankie Boyle yelled out, and carried on walking towards the voice, hoping that he would know where the claw or the stone was. She was met with what appeared to be a wall of web. Spiders, ew. Unsheathing her newly acquired warhammer, our hero cut through the barrier with two strokes. Oh god oh god oh god WHAT IS THAT WHY DID I HAVE TO BE CURIOUS I WANT TO GO HOME. After a few daydreams of dying horribly by not paying attention to the fact that she was poisoned, Frankie Boyle slammed her blade into the spider's eyes, and moved to aid the source of the voice; an elf who had become trapped in a web. "Where's the golden claw?" She asked, sheathing her warhammer.
"I'm trapped in a web of spidery death, why would I tell you? Cut me down!" She did so, but accidentally cut his throat in the process. Whoops... Rather than cry over spilt milk, she searched his body. And found the claw. Oh well. He had an annoying voice anyway. On the bottom of the claw were three distinct markings; a horse, a fish, and a door handle. I bet that's a puzzle. Great. As she was walking, our hero noticed bodies lying in indentations in the stone walls. Arse Bandits taking a nap, perhaps? Intending to query them, Frankie Boyle prodded them with her weapon, only to leap back in terror at the wide, blue eyes of the skeletal figure that faced her, gargling and drooling. OH GOD IT'S A ONE DIRECTION FAN! The One Direction Fan lunged for her, but wasn't quick enough. She had stabbed it with the edge of her hammer, and it slumped to the floor. Following the corridors and bashing in the heads of more One Direction fans, Frankie Boyle stumbled upon a gate, leading to a cave below the, well, below. Hey, are those mushrooms? I'm pretty hungry. The cave turned purple. The water into owls. And Frankie Boyle's feet disappeared. Holy... THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED! IT'S OKAY ONE DIRECTION FAN, I WILL EXORCISE YOU! By exorcise, Frankie Boyle meant splatter all over the cave walls by means of warhammer. Eventually, she stumbled upon a wooden door. Bleak Falls Barrow... Sanctum. The white words were back in her eyesight, as was a strange rectangle with an arrow in the middle. Against her better judgement, Frankie Boyle pushed the door open, hoping for a glass of milk on the other side. Obviously, there were just more caverns. And another door, which led to a long, important looking room. Puzzle. I guess that's what the claw's for. Let's see... A hankerchief, a teacup and a pair of shoes. Not a problem. Yes, the puzzle was easy. But opening the door itself was an entirely different matter. First she tried headbutting it, then bashing it with her warhammer. It was only after she broke a candlestick by trying to shove it in one of the three holes that she figured the true use of the golden claw, and even then she took 3 tries before figuring out that she had it upside down. And that it was bright pink, not gold. Lucan was an idiot who was probably under the influence of drugs, she concluded.
The end of the cavern revealed a gloriously huge room, with a curved area of stone in the middle of the water. On it was a huge sign that said "HEY, THIS MIGHT BE USEFUL LATER. JUST A HINT. COME GET ME." Oh my God... I'm so drawn to it. It's like I was born for this! "YES, THAT'S IT! COME ON, COME GET IT. IT'S TOTALLY WORTH YOUR WHILE." The sign had sprouted wings and was beginning to set off fireworks. Frankie Boyle grew ever closer, until she reached the wall. Shards of light exited the wall and flew into her body, filling her entire subconscious with the word "Pus." She turned around, to be met with the overlord of One Direction fans. It shouted, "I AM NIALL'S GIRLFRIEND!" and sprinted towards Frankie Boyle, who kicked her in the ovaries and slammed her hammer into the One Direction fan's head. Luckily, the slugstone was enclosed in her hand, and Frankie Boyle took it. Now. How the Hell do you get out of here? Hey, a cloud! I bet that cloud will take me! Hey, Cloud!
Riverwood was first. And the effects of the mushrooms were beginning to wear off, as the claw was reverting back to its gold colour. Frankie Boyle shunted her way into the Riverwood Trader, and dropped the claw onto the desk. "I got your stupid claw thing, where's my money?" Lucan was speechless. "Thank you! You've put the claw back where it belongs. Even though I had no idea you'd come back... but sure. Here's your money. I was gonna buy a roll of duct tape so I could keep my stupid sister in the house, but you go ahead and have it."
Dragonsreach followed. The guards and nobles stared, dumbfounded at the fact that that stupid Nord had returned. "Hey, Farengar. Got your stupid slugstone. Give me money or something."
"Nope. Got another quest for you. Come back tomorrow when I've shoved this stone up my ass a few times."