Ch. 4. In the Ash Tree Meadow (Spencer's Earth)
She's here. I can't believe she's here. What is she doing here? I can't sit. I'm pacing.
Pacing.
Pacing.
She's just in there, doing nothing.
I cant breathe.
Pacing.
What does she want.
Everything is moving so fast.
I can't breathe.
She's just sitting there.
I cross to the white wood dresser. The straight grain makes me feel better. But I still cant breathe.
The room is spinning.
I'm spinning.
My brain is racing, but my body moves in slow motion.
What is she doing here?
Doing nothing that's what.
I open it. I reach out. Fast and slow. I close it.
I can't breathe.
I open the drawer again. I close it.
My heart is racing.
I open and close it again.
My brain is in overdrive. I can't function. Can't breathe. Can't think.
I open it again. I reach down. Grab the book, put it back. Grab the book, put it back.
I can't stop moving, I can't. I can't.
I grab the book, it back. Grab the book take it.
I sit on the bed. I flip the pages.
Where is it? Where is it?
I flip faster and slower. Faster and slower.
Where am I?
I'm walking. When did I start walking?
I can't sit. I can't sit.
Here. I found it. I found the picture.
My heart is pounding with the fierceness of stags hooves pounding the open field.
Tears are forming. They snake their way down. I sit.
Bury my head in the mound of pillows.
I'm up.
How did I get up?
The picture in my hand. I remember.
"Ash where are you?" I ask.
"I'm running late, babe, but I promise I will be there."
"You better be." I joked "We've been looking forward to this for a month. Dad's ready to go."
"I might have to meet you guys there, Hun."
"Ash, part of the fun is the ride up."
"Spence, I know but I just cant get away right now. I'm sorry. I'm doing my best to get there."
"Ashley you better. You can't keep blowing me off."
"Baby, I'm not blowing you off. I want to be there. I know how important today is to you. I'll be there I swear. Look Hun, I've gotta jet. Love you."
"Love you too." I hung up and sighed.
"She almost here?" Dad asked me. I gave him a look. A look that was becoming all to common when we spoke about Ashley. "Oh, Spencer."
"She promises she's going to meet us there."
"Well, we'll just have to take my car then."
I slam the book close. I'm spinning.
Spinning alone. Fast and slow
I hate this.
I hate me.
I hate that she's in there. A beetle borrowing into me. Larvae feeding on left over ashes.
This is not me. This is not me. What have I become? What have I become? I'm suppose to be hard. Tough. Very strong an elastic.
I'm not suppose to break. I'm high strength. And resilience.
I'm suppose to be the one who sustains quality.
I'm pacing. I don't even remember standing up.
Look at me. My insides are bleeding out of me like blue dye.
Cornus. Uranus. Cornus. Uranus.
Ashley you castrated me! I hate you. And your just in there sitting. Just sitting. Sitting.
I can barely get out of my bed. I can barely take care of myself.
You piss off for six months with out so much as a word. Now you're sitting in our house.
With out so much as a word.
Called me honey. I am not your sugary substance any more. I don't think I ever was.
Why are you here?
And why can't I say this to you.
Because I'm weak. I'm broken. I can't even open a door on the first try. Or second. Or third.
A vinous fermentation of my former self. A deep color. Softened.
Deliquesces.
Nothing but shattered ground. Mud. I hurt. Cold. Dry. Nothing. Despondent.
Black bile streams where blue blood once did. A shadow. A hypocrite.
I need medicine. But I'm afraid. What is there to fear Hippocrates? Father of med…father. My Father!
I break down into tears. I sob. Sob so loudly. Uncontrollable tornado of emotion leaves my soul.
I hear the door open as I drop to my knees.
"Spencer are you okay."
"No, no I'm not okay."
"Spencer," she runs to me. Puts her hand on me. I push away.
"This is your fault."
"Wha.."
"He's dead. And its because of you. And me. You and me. You and me. You and me."
She puts her arm around me, I'm shaking so much I cant take her off. "I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him."
"Shhh. Shh. No you didn't Spencer. It was an accident."
"You, you, you, you." I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe I can't breathe.
"Me I know, I wasn't there. I should have been. I should have been driving not you. It's my fault Spencer not yours. If I had been there I could have protected you."
"Daddy, my daddy. My daddy. My daddy. Only person who ever cared about me. My daddy. Gone. He's gone. I killed him. I killed him. I did, it was me. I was driving. I killed him." I'm hyperventilating. Horizontally on the floor, I fall.
"My god Spencer are you okay?" I barely catch the last of her words as everything goes dark.