Note: I do not own OUAT.
Also: THANK YOU to all who are leaving feedback on this! I am so glad it's causing laughter and the like.
Characters in this chapter: Emma, Gold, David, Regina
Sorry for the delay in this chapter. I fell ill for a bit there and wasn't able to write as much. Without further ado;
Season 4, Episode 11
Emma slowed the bug down as something came into view, her eyes squinting at first then going wide at the realization. Regina was currently standing in the middle of the road, not the street, completely naked save for her red heels. "Fuck me." Emma pushed herself out of the vehicle and out into the cold night air, hand on her hip as she began to beg any and everything for the strength to make it through this once again. "Regina. What are you doing?"
The brunette whirled on the spot, her nudity catching the blondes eye momentarily before she brought her gaze up to the former evil queen's face. "Emma. Good, you're here. I hoped you would be. Listen, I need your help. I need more booze."
"No."
"Yes, the fate of my life depends on it." If it weren't for her current nudity, she would have possibly went onto believe it considering the serious tone of voice Regina was using. Shaking her head, she watched as Regina turned and got back to work on what she had been doing before Emma showed up. Hesitantly, Emma stepped closer and regretted it the moment she did. Regina was standing in the middle of some sort of drawn out shape lined with chalk, performing what looked to be a ritual of sorts or possibly just a magic spell for something.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm doing something that needs to be done, Emma. I'm doing the one thing that matters in this world." And with that she stood to her feet and plucked a strand of hair from her own head, then dropped it into the chalice in her hands. With the most serious expression on her face, Regina stated with dramatic flair. "I'm conjuring the Dark One."
"What?"
"I'm conjuring the dark one, Emma." And at that, Regina walked to the middle of the shape lined in chalk, raised the chalice and allowed the contents to coat her as she moved her free hand in some sort of motion Emma couldn't discern. The liquid that flowed from the item above the brunette's head began to soak the brunette in a glistening gold.
"Why don't you just go to him?" Emma thrust her had in the direction of Gold's shop.
"Because! Emma! He's holed up in that oversized gallery of shit with that bookworm of his and he can't even see straight, he's not thinking clearly."
"This isn't going to work, Regina."
"Don't act like you're some know it all now that you defeated that abominable snow bitch."
"I didn't defeat her, she sacrificed-"
"SHH! ... It doesn't make you an expert. Point blank."
Emma shifted on her feet, completely at a loss as to what to do. Someone could walk by. Anyone! So she did the only thing that had come to mind, she said "Someone could walk by, Regina. You're completely naked!"
"I'm wearing Gold, Emma! Not to mention.. I'm fucking Goddess. And everyone should practically be worshiping at my golden drizzled feet."
"I think that's a bit much."
"SHH! What do you know? As a matter of fact, no one cares. SHH."
And so Emma let her finish what she was doing, standing idly by while the brunette went about her work completely naked save for the gold coating her skin yet still leaving nothing covered enough to keep out of sight. Once done Regina huffed, hands falling to her sides wondering what she could have done wrong when it hit her. "I need to masturbate!"
"NO!"
"YES! Emma, Emma, Emma little Goldilocks, listen to me." She closed the gap between the two and took Emma by the arms, pulling her close enough to her body that made the blonde feel like she were going to get Gold on her clothing. "I need this. I NEED to make him see that he needs me and not that bookworm, do you understand? Because Emma, Emma, Emmaaa, if I don't - we're all going to die."
"What do you mean?" At this she actually worried Regina knew something she wasn't telling her. "Is Gold plotting something?"
"Yes."
"What is it, Regina?"
At that, the brunette released her hold on Emma and staggered back into the drawn graph on the asphalt. "He's going to try to leave with her. With that bookworm and if he does...I'll burn this entire fucking town down." Regina conjured a fireball. "So you see, Emma, I need him. I need him to realize he can't leave without me."
"Fuck."
"Exactly. Now shut up and let me masturbate." Regina flung the fireball away from her and up onto a stoplight, the thing burst into flames and sparks began to fall all around the summoning area where Regina was currently lowering herself in the middle of - starting to do something that just shouldn't be done in public.
"What is she doing?" Gold had exited his shop, seeing as they were right outside of it, eyes shooting from the blonde to the brunette in quick succession.
"Masturbating to conjure you. I guess it worked."
"It did! I told you, Emma! I told you!" The brunette stopped what she was doing, pushed herself onto her feet and stumbled her way against Gold, wrapping her arms around the back of his neck as she planted sloppy kisses along his cheek and temple.
"Shouldn't you be arresting her from public indecency as well as fornicating in a public place?"
"I should, yes."
"Then?"
"She just literally hurled a fireball at an unsuspecting traffic light and threatened to kill everyone if you leave town. Do you really think I was going to risk putting cuffs on her and bringing her downtown before she could finish her summoning spell and realize it wasn't going to work?"
"Yes."
"You don't know me very well, then." Emma said briskly, shoving her hands into the back pockets of her jeans.
Gold leaned away from Regina, placing a hand at the small of her back and allowing his eyes to dance over the gold coated skin before him. In all honesty, she did look ravishing. "Regina...why were you trying to summon me?"
"Because I heard that after the asscicle queen was vanquished that you still wanted to leave with that bookworm of yours and I just couldn't have it."
"Hmm." He glanced in Emma's direction, then back at his drunken former pupil. "Why would you be wasting your time summoning me when you could be searching for the going away present I left you?"
"You left me a present?" She perked up at that admission, hands gripping Gold's - now ruined - coat. "Where?"
"You'll have to find it."
He watched as the squealing brunette took off down the street in nothing but gold and her red heels, a chuckle bubbled up his chest as he ran his hand out in front of him, clearing away the gold that had smeared along his coat all in the shape of her breasts and much more.
"Did you really leave her a present?" Emma asked, almost hesitant to keep from doing so but the suspense was killing her.
"I believe I will take a note out of the good Queen's book this time, Miss Swan, and say shh."
/./
Bonus: Season 4, Episode 12.
Shaking her head, Emma walked up to Regina who was currently half inside of Storybrooke and half out of Storybrooke, laying flat on her back on the asphalt. How that worked, Emma had no idea. "What are you doing, Regina?"
"I'm presenting my bottom half to Gold in an attempt to make his banishment a little less lonely."
"And?" Emma looked, along the town line unable to see anyone or anything apart from trees, an empty road and some birds. "He's not there, Regina. You can see that, surely."
"He could be using a cloaking spell."
"He's not."
"How would you know, Emma?"
"Because, I just do..."
"Liar!"
A second passed before Regina spoke up again; "Do you know what it's like to have sex with an invisible man?"
"No." Emma stated, not really wanting anymore metaphors.
"Me either." she shimmied her hips. "I have no idea what is taking him so long! I could pull down my skirt but I'm sure he'd like to pull it up. I'm not wearing any panties, Emma. I went through all of this trouble for him!"
Rolling her eyes, she bent at the waist and gripped Regina's coat, tugging her - all of her - over the town line. "This is ridiculous. You are drinking way too much lately."
"What do you expect? My prince, my green imp, my sweet cookie monster is over the town line in God knows where all by his lonesome, probably limping his way to some sex dungeon looking for me."
"What?"
"I could be there." The scowl Regina shot Emma almost caused her to double over.
"Okay, sure sure. You could be there."
"I could Emma!" Slowly the blonde pulled Regina onto her feet and began helping her back to the yellow bug. "I miss him, Emma. I miss him so much my body hurts and I can't stop the pain, I've tried. I need my prince, Emma and you have to help me find him. You have to help me entice him back and say I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what? It's not your fault."
"You're right, it's not. It's that damn bookworm of his. It's her fault."
"No. Calm down. Let's get you home so you can sober up." Emma practically tossed Regina into the backseat and slammed the door, set on bringing her home and letting her simmer down and sober up. What the fuck happened to their plan to rid the town of alcohol?
...
Some time later...
Emma rushed up beside of the brunette currently hurling fireballs in the direction of a house. "What the fuck, Regina?! You were supposed to be sobering up!"
"There's no time for that, Savior. I have a bitch to burn."
"What?"
"Belle. I am cooking her house like the God awful steak it is and watching her castle burn to ash. I will have my revenge."
"Regina, you're not thinking clearly."
"I am! I am and I'm mad as hell. And not in the English way. I'm angry. I'm pissed. I'm livid." And with that she tossed two more fireballs in the direction of the blazing residence.
"Just step back a second.."
"Back off, Savior!" Only then did Emma's eyes catch on the item in the hand currently not occupied with roasting a house.
"What-What is that?"
"Have you never seen a dildo before?" Regina turned then, her eyes dark with anger as she thrust it in the direction of the blonde. "It's my gift. The one thing he left me and isn't it glorious! It's perfect and gold speckled and and-"
"Scaled?"
"Yes! Yes, of course it has scales Emma. And it's an exact replica in case you were wondering."
"I wasn't."
"Have you have ridden a dragon, Emma? Wait. Wait that doesn't fit here..." Regina brought bother hands to grasp the dildo, petting it in a strange manner. "Have you ever laid with a beast...grr. Wait that's Belle. Damn it!"
"It's okay, let's get you home, you've roasted the house."
"I have, haven't I?" The smile that crept up along Regina's lips could scare away village kids. Emma only nodded as she ushered her into the back of her bug then shot David a glance.
"What do I tell Archie? His house is fucked."
"Tell him we'll try to rally together and rebuild. She doesn't need to know she got the wrong house. And no one needs to know she did this. Or we'll have a modern day witch hunt on our hands."
David nodded, shooting a glare at the rear window in Emma's bug where Regina was currently performing fellatio on the replica of the Dark One's cock