Time jump. The turtles are 14. TW: Self harm.

"What's 'Spin the Bottle?'" Mikey blurted, randomly.

Raph nearly spit out his cereal, and made furtive eye contact with his brothers before glancing at sensei, waiting for a reaction.

"Where on earth did you hear that?" sensei asked, his expression a mix of amusement and disgust.

"It was on the TV," Mikey said, animatedly, "They said it's a game, like they were gonna play it. Is it fun? Can we play?"

Donnie barked a short laugh, and then turned beet red under sensei's arched eyebrow.

"It is a foolish kissing game that teenage humans play," sensei said, his voice dripping with disdain, "And no, I do not think that would be a good idea."

"Awww," Mikey pouted, "But it sounds fun! I bet it would be funny!"

"Nobody wants to kiss you, Mikey," Raph snapped, jabbing his spoon into his cereal in an ill-temper.

"Well duh, that's what makes it hilarious," Mikey explained. He laughed abruptly. "Could you imagine if Leo had to kiss sensei?!"

"Ew!" Donnie laughed, wrinkling his nose.

Leo scoffed, and shook his head at his cereal.

"What's the problem, uchi-deshi?" Mikey taunted, pleased at getting a rise out of his brothers, "You already kiss his butt."

"Yame," Splinter said, warningly, "That is quite enough, Michelangelo."

"I was just kidding…"

"Hrm. Eat your breakfast."

Leo gave Mikey a kick under the table for good measure, and he stuck his tongue out in reply.

"Man, I'd love to kiss Hannah Montana," Mikey sighed, turning away from Leo dreamily, "She has pretty blonde hair."

"You know that's not her real hair, right?" Donnie asked, in amusement.

"Of course it is!"

"It's a wig!" Donnie said, "You see her take it on and off on the show!"

"Does the wig belong to her?" Mikey asked, laying the sass on thick.

"Well, yeah…"

"Does it actually exist?"

"Okay, but - "

"Then I guess it's her, real, hair, now isn't it, genius?"

"I give up."

"You're just jealous because me and Hannah Montana are gonna go on dates, and go to prom, and make out in front of everybody, and then we'll get married and be all rich and famous and live in a big house in Hollywood with our weird little mutant babies, and - "

Raph slammed his hands on the table and stood, startling all of them.

"Nobody is ever going to kiss you, Mikey!" he snapped, "Nobody is ever going to kiss any of us, and if Hannah Montana ever saw you, she'd probably run away screaming, so just drop it, already!"

He took in their stark, shocked expressions - even sensei's. Even he was surprised by his own outburst. He sat back down abruptly, shame making his face burn hot.

"Like…never ever?" Mikey mumbled sadly. His eyes did that wibbly puppy dog thing and Raph just threw his spoon into his bowl and turned to stomp off.

"Raphael!" sensei called warningly, "You were not dism -

"May I please be excused?" he huffed over his shoulder.

"Clean up your breakfast," sensei said, sternly, "Now."

Raph stomped back to the table, took his bowl, and emptied his soggy cereal into the garbage can. He started the sink with such ferocity that it sprayed off the spoon and misted him in the face. Scoffing in disgust, he lowered the water pressure and set about washing his dishes.

Even the running water wasn't enough to mask Mikey's quiet sniff, though. Suddenly all his anger shifted from outward to inward, and an intense wave of self-loathing seized him.

"It's okay, Mikey," Donnie said, giving him a soothing pat on the hand across the table, "Spin the Bottle sounds like a stupid way to spread herpes. Highly unsanitary."

"Besides," Leo added, "Imagine if you had to kiss somebody really ugly, or mean - like Raph." He leaned over the back of his chair and shot Raph a dirty look for emphasis.

Raph shook his head, put his bowl in the dish rack and stormed off to his room.

They didn't get it.

They were never even going to meet a girl, let alone kiss one. And if they ever did, she'd probably freak out and sic the other humans on them, to chop them up, cut them open, shoot them full of electricity - whatever it was humans do to freaks like them.

The longer they waited - the longer it took Mikey to wake up and smell the sewer - the more painful it was going to be.

"Yeah, you said all that out of the kindness of your heart, right?" said the nasty voice in his head, "You're a real nice guy, Raph, making your stupid brother cry over his cereal for no damn reason."

As soon as the bedroom door closed behind him, Raphael already knew exactly what was going to happen.

Flinging himself down onto the edge of his bed, he put one leg over his knee, and worked the kneepad down over his bulging calf, tossing it onto the floor. His fingers traced the scar, just where his knee started turning into his inner thigh. It was already nearly faded from the last time…the time he swore to himself was the last time. Only the 'F,' the 'R' and the 'K' were still faintly visible.

Hell with it.

He reached back and unsheathed a sai, grabbing it by the central tine, like a pen, the other tines resting on his fist, and gritting his teeth, began to drag it over his dark green, pebbled skin, each little letter the perfect sting, taking the molten, burning, shame and making it physical, something he could control, something he had the power to handle. Beads of blood swelled in his progress…something about the way they blossomed up in the path of his sai was both slightly nauseating and deeply calming. He finished up the 'E,' and was starting on the 'A,' gritting his teeth and starting to sweat slightly as he deepened the mark, when there was a timid knock on the door, and to his horror, it began to swing open.

"Dude? I wanted to - "

Raph flung his sai onto his bed, and covered his leg with both hands.

Mikey stood there, looking puzzled.

"What're you doing?"

"Get out of my room, Mikey!" he snapped, immediately hating himself for the way Mikey flinched at his strident tone of voice.

"I jus'…wanneda say sorry," Mikey pouted, and Raph immediately loathed himself even more. He had behaved like a compete asshole, made his only little brother cry, and he was standing there now trying to apologize to him, and all he could do was yell at him and make it worse.

"It's fine," Raph said, "You didn't do nothin,' I'm just…I have a headache. That's all."

"You wanna ice pack?" Mikey said, perking up, his expression brightening, "I'll get it! You want one for your knee, too? Does your knee hurt? Why are you sitting there holding your knee? Is it - "

He abruptly cut himself off and his eyes went round with horror. Raph looked down, and saw that a drop of blood had come between his fingers, slid down his thigh, and dripped onto the floor.

"DONNIEEEEEEEE!" Mikey called, running out of Raph's room before he could even react.

"Wait! Mi - Damnit!"

"Raphie's huuuurrrrt!" Mikey called, "Bring the stuff!"

Raph hastily took his knee pad and pulled it over his foot, trying hurriedly to yank it up over his calf. He winced as it scraped against his freshly opened cuts, only just managing to get it up over his knee when the door burst open again and Mikey came back, Donnie following shortly after holding the First Aid Box he was so proud of.

"It's nothing," Raph insisted, standing right away, "I just scratched it on a nail. It's fine."

"A nail?" Donnie asked, his brow furrowing, "Was it rusty? You might need a tetanus shot. I don't know if we have any of those."

"It's fine," Raph sighed, "It wasn't rusty, okay?"

Don scowled dubiously. "It's really damp down here, Raph, if it was an exposed nail, then it was probably rusty. Besides, there's bacteria in the sewer that - "

"It's! - look, it's fine, Mikey is just exaggerating like he always -

"What happened here?" sensei asked, appearing in the doorway with Leo in his wake.

Raph felt his pulse roaring in his ears, and if he could have gotten away with it, he would have physically shoved all of them out of his room and barred the door. As it was, he tried the only other tactic he could think of.

"Why can't anybody leave me alone for five minutes?!" he snapped, knowing he was about to get grounded, but that at least, would land him alone in his room, "I'm fine, it's just a scratch. I've had way worse in training, okay? Just - everybody get - "

"Raphie?…"

Raph turned in horror. He had been so busy shouting at the others he hadn't even noticed Mikey slip past him. He was standing at the edge of his bed, holding his sai, with a bloodied tip.

For a minute, everyone stood there in confusion.

"That's not mine," Raph blurted, stupidly.

Immediately he wished the earth would swallow him whole.

Of course it was his. Who the hell else's would it be?

Mikey looked up at Raphie and the look in his baby blue eyes made Raph want to rip that sai out of his hands and jam it in his own gut.

"What were you doing?" Mike asked, his eyes welling up.

Raph looked at the floor in shame. He had no answer.

He stumbled back in surprise as Mike dropped the sai back on to his bed, and shoved him with all his strength.

"What did you do?!" he repeated.

"Nothing," Raph said defensively, "It was an accident. It just…slipped."

"No, it didn't," Mikey said, immediately, "You're lying!"

He shoved him again, but this time Raph was ready for it, and he stood his ground, trying gently to pull Mikey's hands off his shoulders.

"You're a liar!" Mikey shouted, miserably, tears welling up. Raph was consumed with guilt. Twice in one day he'd made his little brother cry, and they'd barely finished breakfast.

"Everyone leave this room," sensei said, quietly.

Raph's stomach dropped to the floor.

Donnie and Leo hastily scuffled backwards into the hallway, Donnie's plastic First Aid box clunking against the doorframe as he went.

"Leave the box."

Donnie obediently took a step inside the door and set the box off to the side, so the door could close. He hastily stepped back into the hallway with Leo.

Mikey held his ground, face screwed up, tears now seeping into his mask. He kept looking from Raph back to his other brothers, unwilling to leave.

"Now, Michelangelo."

Wiping his eyes on his wrist wraps, Mikey stomped out of the room to join his brothers, closing the door behind him. Raph just barely heard Donnie and Leo start muttering soothing things to Mikey as they stepped away from the door.

For a moment he stood there under sensei's scrutinizing stare, his eyes fixed at the carpet, his heart hammering beneath his plastron.

"Sit."

"It's okay," Raph mumbled, hastily, "I can do it, sensei, I'll - "

"Sit. Down."

Guts twisting around like worms, Raph sank back onto his bed, the frame giving an anxious little squeak for him.

Master Splinter retrieved the plastic box from where Donatello had left it, and knelt in front of Raph's leg. He lifted his foot and placed it on his lap. Very carefully, he reached under the fabric of his kneepad, and lifting it away from the cut, began to carefully work it down.

"It's really not - I can do it my -

The words withered and died on Raphael's lips at the steely glare that sensei gave him. Involuntarily, his head shrank a few inches into his shell, and he looked away, waiting for the inevitable.

Sensei carefully worked the kneepad down. For a moment, the scratch was just a bloody smear, and Raph hoped against hope that he wouldn't be able to read it. But then sensei took out some gauze and hydrogen peroxide and Raph knew he was doomed.

Sensei carefully wet the gauze, and began patting the wound. It stung a bit, but not nearly as much as the burning shame. Raph squeezed his eyes shut, as wave after wave of heat ran up and down his entire body.

For a long time, sensei said nothing. Raph eventually opened his eyes, and saw sensei staring at the wound with an unreadable expression on his face. His amber eyes turned up to meet Raphael's, and he immediately directed his gaze back to the floor, a fresh jolt of anxiety prickling his skin. It wouldn't have been so bad if he had finished the entire word - at least he could lie and say it was the first time. But the faint outline of that 'K' at the end told a different story.

Sensei did not comment, but reached for a fresh gauze pad from the kit, and unwrapped it. He pressed it to Raphael's scratches, and then used a roll of medical tape to bind it in place. Once it was neatly mummified, he tore the tape off, carefully packed everything away, and closed the box.

He stood, folded his hands, and waited. Raphael had no idea what to expect. He just kept staring at the carpet between sensei's feet, where one drop of his blood had fallen, forever staining it.

"Give me your sai," sensei said, his voice just as unreadable as his face.

With trembling fingers, Raph reached for it at his side, and handed it to sensei, pommel-first. He took it from him, and held out his unencumbered paw.

"Both of them."

Raph winced, and, burning with shame, reached behind him, unsheathed his other sai, and presented it to sensei again.

Sensei carefully arranged both sai in his hands, and held them forward for Raphael's inspection. He eyed the bloody point of one of them with burning misery.

"What are these?" sensei asked carefully.

"M's…s.."

"Nani?"

"My sai, sensei."

"Ah. So they are yours."

Raph squeezed his eyes shut, and nodded. "Hai."

"Who gave these to you?"

Raph's head shrunk even lower into his shell.

"You, sensei," he whispered, wishing to be anywhere else on Earth but in this room right now.

"And who gave them to me?"

Raph blinked.

"Um. Your sensei?"

"Mm," Splinter grunted his assent, "And who gave them to him?"

"Uh. Maybe…his sensei?"

"How old do you think these sai are?"

"Uh…real old?"

Master Splinter held them forward for Raphael's closer inspection, and he flinched. He would never have thought the sight of his own sai could make him flinch.

"They are over one hundred years old," he intoned, gravely, "They have been passed down through at least four generations of Hamato warriors. The knowledge to wield them has been passed down for five centuries."

Raph winced. He could feel his eyes beginning to get hot, and he held his breath. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of Master Splinter.

"My master, Hamato Yūta, presented me with these weapons. He told me I had progressed far enough in my study of the sai to wield these weapons with honor - that I was worthy of that responsibility."

He paused.

"How do you think I felt? When my Master presented me with these weapons?"

Raph was still holding his breath, so he just stared at the red dot on the floor miserably.

"Answer," sensei insisted, firmly.

Raph gasped a little air.

"Prou-ud?" he said, his voice cracking. Tears began to seep from his eyes into his mask.

"Yes," sensei said, "Very proud. And deeply honored."

Raph sniffed, and hastily wiped his nose on his wrist wraps.

"And how did you feel?" he pressed, "The day I, in turn, presented these weapons to you?"

"Proud," Raph repeated, tears now streaming down his face, "Proud, an' - happy. Like…I did something right."

"And what did I tell you that day?"

Raph took a jerky breath, and wiped his face again.

"That a weapon is…a repsonsi - ibility. And that I had earned that responsibility. And to always - - use them with - ho-onor. And that - "

His face screwed up with sobs, and he couldn't speak anymore. He just squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head slowly, the weight of his shame unbearable. There was a soft clank, as sensei placed the sai on his desk, and then the bed sank as Master Splinter sat next to him and gathered him in his arms.

"I'm sorryyyyy," Raph moaned softly into his chest.

"Shhh," Master Splinter said, stroking Raphael's head, "Shhhhh, shh shh."

"I'm sorry, sensei," Raph repeated, trying to control his voice.

"My son," he said, sadly, "My poor son. I do not remind you of this to make you feel ashamed. I tell you this to remind you of who you are! Do you think I would give these weapons to just anyone? Do you think I would give them to someone unworthy of them?"

"You already did," said the nasty voice in Raphael's head.

"No," he replied, obediently.

"No," sensei repeated, and the softness in his voice made Raph's eyes sting afresh, "No, of course I would not. Raphael, I have tried to help you with this pain that you carry, but I fear none of my words have been helpful."

"You have," Raph blurted, hastily, "It's my fault, not yours, I - "

He held up a claw, and Raph cut himself off, looking down at the bed spread again.

"I think it is your words, not mine, that will help you the most."

He stood, and crossed to Raphael's desk, where his sai waited. He picked them up carefully, but also picked up Raphael's haiku journal. He crossed to Raphael and put the notebook gently in his lap.

"I am giving you this," he said, "And taking these."

"You're taking them back?" Raph whispered, feeling completely gutted.

"They are still yours. I am holding them for you," Master Splinter clarified, "Until you feel you are ready to ask for them back."

Raph nodded, sadly.

"No training. No school," Master Splinter said, firmly. He pointed one claw at the book in Raphael's lap. "Write."

"Hai, sensei," Raph whispered, obediently.

Sensei's face sagged as he took in Raphael's defeated posture. He crossed back over to the bed, dropped Raphael's sai down with an unceremoniously clatter, and gathered his son into his arms once more. Raph eyed his sai nervously - after all that about how special and important they were, he'd just dumped them there.

"I love you, my son," he said, fervently, and Raph was dismayed to hear the emotion in his voice, to realize just how much pain he'd caused him.

"I love you too," he mumbled, wrapping his arms around his father and squeezing him tight.

Sensei released him, picked up his sai again and headed for the door. Before he opened it however, he paused, and then turned around.

"The word you chose…that ugly word," sensei started, and Raphael lowered his gaze to the floor again.

"It means two things. It means someone who is different - but also someone who is alone. Someone who is cast out."

Raph shuffled his feet awkwardly. He knew what the word meant. Why else would he have used it?

"You are different, Raphael. We all are. It would be foolish to pretend otherwise. But you are not alone. You are a member of a proud and ancient clan of ninja warriors. You carry their lives, their stories, and their honor with you. And you are a member of this family. You have three brothers - and you are my son. You are never alone - and you are deeply loved."

Raph swallowed, and nodded. More and more he felt the scratches under the bandages like a burning brand, evidence of his ingratitude. He had been selfish - thinking only of himself. He'd brought dishonor to his clan, to his family - to his father.

Splinter's eyes softened as if he could read his son's thoughts, and he sighed.

"Write, Raphael," he said, and carefully putting the sai in one hand, opened the door. Immediately, Michelangelo burst inside, tripped on the carpet, and scrambled over to Raph on his hands and knees.

"Mikey!" Leo called, "Sensei, I'm sorry, he - "

Mikey had climbed up onto the bed, basically using Raph as a ladder, and now had him in a shell-cracking vice grip. He was no longer crying, but his jaw was set firmly, and he turned his tear-stained face towards sensei reproachfully, as if daring him to order him to leave.

"Hey, little brother," Raph said, patting him on the head.

Mikey turned his head, still scowling, and kissed Raph on the shoulder, before angrily mashing his cheek back against it.

"There. Now somebody kissed you, you big jerk."

Raph snorted, and even sensei chuckled lightly.

"Alright, Michelangelo," sensei said, shaking his head slightly, "Keep your brother company for a few minutes. And then you have school today."

"Raphie, too?"

"Raphael is doing his work in his room today," sensei said firmly, "So you can visit for a little while, and then you need to come to school."

Mikey looked at Raph nervously, clearly not liking the sound of this plan.

"It's okay," Raph said, lamely, "I'm…okay, now."

"Don't do it again," Mikey whispered, firmly.

"I won't," Raph replied, with knee-jerk haste.

"Promise?"

Raph felt like a complete heel, scalded by the heat and concern in Mikey's light blue eyes. He should never look so serious. The moment was made even heavier by sensei's presence, waiting and watching for his answer.

"Promise," Raph muttered. He had no intention of doing it again, but he still felt uneasy making it a promise - after all, he'd told himself the last time was the last time, too. But now that everyone knew about it - it would be twice as bad to do it again. Like he was letting them all down.

"'Kay," Mike said, mashing his cheek into Raph's shoulder and squeezing him again.

Sensei grunted his approval, glided from the room with Raphael's sai. Raph couldn't help but notice he left the door open.

"You should get ready for school," Raph said, "You need to wash your face."

Mikey ignored him and squeezed a little tighter.

Leo and Donnie poked their heads around the doorframe.

"Hey," Raph said, shyly.

"Hey," Leo said, hesitantly stepping just beyond the threshold and stopping. Donnie, however, plunked himself down in front of Raph's leg, examining sensei's handiwork.

"It's not bad," Raph said, hastily, feeling as if Donnie would somehow read through the bandages, "Really. It was just a scratch."

Donnie nodded, apparently satisfied with sensei's handiwork. Raph managed not to roll his eyes - who did he think taught him that stuff anyway? Then again, leave it to Donnie to out-learn everybody.

"So, uh," Leo said, awkwardly, "Sorry. About before."

Raph wrinkled his nose. What did Leo have to apologize for?

"When I said, y'know. That you were…ugly, and mean and stuff."

Raph actually laughed, and Leo's brow lifted in surprise.

"I already forgot," he said, and Leo visibly relaxed, "'Sides, it's true."

"Nuh-uh," Mikey said, "You're not ugly and mean. You're just a jerk."

The others chuckled lightly.

"Yeah…I'm sorry too, guys."

"It's okay."

"No problem."

"You should be. Jerk."

Raph chuckled, and gave Mikey a little squeeze back.

"Boys!" sensei called from the kitchen, "Leave your brother alone, now. Time for school."

"Seeya," Leo said, giving Raph a smile.

Raph smiled back, and nodded. It felt good when he and Leo got along. Of course, it felt satisfying to fight with him, too, but - not as good as getting along.

He and Donnie filed out, Donnie giving him a little wave.

"Michelangelo?"

Mikey looked up at Raph anxiously and squeezed him tighter.

"I'm fine," Raph promised, "Go on. Sensei's calling you."

Mikey finally released him, but surprisingly, reached up for his mask and untied it. Kneeling down, he carefully tied his mask on top of the bandages, and when he was done, gave his handiwork a little peck.

"There. Now it'll get better faster."

"School, Michelangelo."

"Coming!" he called, not waiting for a response from Raph. He bounded down the stairs.

"Sorry, sensei!" he heard, more quietly.

"Where's your mask?" Leo asked.

"Mind your beeswax."

Raph looked at the orange bandana on his leg, breathing carefully in and out through his nose, and ghosted his fingers over it. It was still damp with his little brother's tears - tears he'd shed over him…like his love had literally seeped into the fabric and was working its healing magic, like in a fairy tale or something.

He was suddenly overwhelmed, and pushing his journal aside, he lay back down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. The sound of his brothers and his father starting their school day down below washed over him in a soothing cadence.

He would write, but first he needed to rest.