A/N: I'm shooting for two thousand words this chapter… now watch me epically fail. Man, I love making fun of my own names.

I've been playing with points of view for the last few chapters, and I think I like first person. I'm not going to stick to it, though! Goofing around is way too fun.

Disclaimer: I'm sure you've seen the standard disclaimer, and those involving characters... so I'll have my pet fish do it.

Fish XXVI, take it away.

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Alright, any minute now...

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We are experiencing technical difficulties right now. Please stand by.

Chapter 4

Toph Bei Fong, as dictated to Makato of the Fire Nation

As much as I wish life were perfect, it isn't. Our vacation lasted only a week because Sparky, aka Zuko, had to go off and do some high-and-mighty Firelord stuff, or so I'm told. It was kind of overrated, but it didn't concern me, so I didn't complain. He had Mai, after all.

Aang, being the Avatar, decided to roam the world and ride every animal known to man. Little Miss Sugar Queen just had to go with him to make sure he "picked up after himself" and "didn't make stupid choices." That pretty much left me and Sokka when the devil left. By which I mean Suki. Have you ever seen her headdress-hat thing? Well I haven't either but that's not the point (to be honest, it feels like pointy horns sticking out of her head). Well, somebody had to locate the Earth King after he left with his stinky bear. It's not like Haru was going to do it, so that left only Snoozles and myself.

Since neither the Earth King nor Bosco could have gotten very far in the three months since we had last seen them, Sokka thought it would be best to search the Earth Kingdom first. He was the one with the map so it was probably best to listen to him. It crossed my mind that I should visit my parents, but I quickly dismissed the thought.

Traveling on foot was painfully slow. I would rather just ride a humongous pile of earth all the way across but somebody had to spoil all the fun because he was afraid of little things like a broken neck or a crushed leg. Well, at least finding Kuei wouldn't be so hard. After all, he was probably the only person in the whole Earth Kingdom with glasses (whatever those are) and a bear. So I didn't think it'd take long at all.

Turns out, the Earth Kingdom is a lot bigger than I believed, especially when I don't have a freaking earth wave to ride. We were originally heading for the great walled city of Ba Sing Se but then the oh-so-great schedule master decided to begin in the southern cities, namely Gaoling and Omashu.

Three assassination attempts and four butt-kickings later (the assassins got beat up, not me, and the last one might have been inflicted upon a certain sarcastic meat lover), we miraculously made it to Gaoling. Or at least where it was supposed to be.

"There's nothing here, Sokka," I said as we entered the battered gates of a town nearly burned to the ground.

"I know; I've checked the map at least a dozen times and it says this is where Gaoling is," Sokka replied, confused. "I'm holding the map right, and I'm sure of our location, so where is the place?"

I shrugged. It felt like the same place; but somehow, it was different. We then carefully made our way through the rubble. I was careful not to trip over anything. My attempts were futile, however; I managed to slip on a thin board that was so rotten it was a blurry mass in my senses. Getting up, I ran my fingers over it and felt grooves carved into it. I handed it to Sokka in the hopes that he would know what it was.

After examining it for a few moments the great Sokka, amateur detective, reached a conclusion. "This," he said, "appears to be a sign of some sort."

"And…?" I questioned when he didn't continue.

"WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU TOPHY? CAN'T YOU READ?" Sokka exploded.

"First of all, I'm blind," I said defensively. "Second, I'm blind. Also, I'm Melon Lord. Don't ever call me Tophy!"

Sokka ignored my last comment and brushed a strand of hair out of his face. After making a huge show of inspecting the sign at all possible (and some impossible) angles, he put the board down. "I've got it!" he exclaimed. "This thing says something!"

I scowled. "But what does it say?" I asked. Sokka shrugged and admitted he didn't know because he'd actually never gone to school.

Well, this was just great. Not only did we have no idea where we were going, we were utterly and completely lost. I tossed a few pebbles in exasperation. They hit poor ol' Sokka in the noggin, which led to a disgruntled "ouch." That might not have been the smartest thing to do, because right then he started going loopy like he was on cactus juice or something and I had to drag him all the way to the nearest village, which was easier said than done. Because I obviously couldn't read, I had to blindly find my way to one without a map.

(Tutu, stop laughing! If you don't knock it off, I'll knock you off… the edge of a cliff.)

After who-knows-how-long, I eventually found this tiny little village. Actually, it wasn't even a village; it was just a cluster of minuscule huts plopped down in the middle of nowhere. There, I managed to get some water to throw on little wannabe-me from the tiny stream to go with the tiny thatch houses in the tiny village in the tiny region of the not-tiny Earth Kingdom (Toga, even you're not that stupid to miss that).

Anyway, some farmer in the tiny field by the tiny stream by the tiny houses in the… well you get the point, offered to feed Sokka and me. I wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to get free food so I accepted his invitation. The farmer, whose name was Jedd (not Jedi, Tom-Tom, although I wish he were a Jedi master with a light saber, whatever that is), told me all about the area as we ate. Turns out, the area used to be Gaoling, but soon after I left, the Fire Nation had taken over. The city was burned down during Sozin's Comet; not by Ozai and his fleet of airships, but by the soldiers occupying the area. Nearly everyone there died on that day, but some had not; my parents were among those who managed to escape; likely with a near-army of bodyguards. As Jedd finished his story, I let out a small sigh of relief. Mother and Father were still alive. That's all I needed to know.

It was right then that Sokka decided to come to. He so happened to be situated directly beneath the low table, so when he sat up, he bumped his head on it and fainted again. I dragged the stupid boy out from where he was lying, thanked Jedd, and set out into the vast country.

Sokka awoke some time later. Together we made our way to the Great Walled City.

When we finally got to Ba Sing Se after weeks of travel I was bored like Inferno. I eventually ditched Snoozles in the marketplace. I didn't think he'd notice that I wasn't around when he was being a "diplomat" and "doing his job." As if. I mean, anyone can sit around asking questions. Real men look for things themselves, and then when they can't find them, they yell at the women.

Anyway, there I was in the Lower Ring searching for people to cheat, still bored to Inferno (Turns out, the Fire Nation invented some pretty strong curse words that I managed to coax out of Sifu Hotman). I came to this little stand in a secluded corner on the edge of the city. The man running the game looked at me with a wary eye, but he offered to play anyway. It was a game of chance, supposedly, but I could feel that the dice were weighted. That would be no problem at all.

Apparently after a few rounds the man realized who I was and called the Dai Li, who had recently been reinstated despite their betrayal. I put up a big fight but was greatly outnumbered, so somehow I ended up in jail.

After sitting in a dank cell for what seemed like hours, the padded door slid open to reveal a tall Dai Li agent, or at least what seemed to be one. If it weren't for the stupidly squishy walls and floor they'd covered with some confounded new substance they call "rubber," I would have been able to tell exactly who he was, but as the conditions were, he was but a large blob in my diminished senses. The man slowly made his way into the room and stopped at my feet.

"What do you want?" I snapped.

"I know who you are," a rough masculine voice answered.

"Doesn't everyone?" I stamped my feet. Who was this mysterious person? I was, and still am, Toph Bei Fong, the greatest earthbender in the world and personal friend of the Avatar. Everybody should know of me.

The man spoke again. "What I mean is I know all of you. I know you are Miss Bei Fong, the daughter of the wealthy family of the Flying Boar; I know you are Toph, the little blind girl who learned from badger moles; I know you are the Blind Bandit, the notoriously fearless earthbender who swept the competition away at Earth Rumble Six; and I know you are the Melon Lord, my best friend."

Yeah, this guy was a total creeper. I was never friends with any of the Dai Li. He didn't sound like any of the guys in the Gaang, and this definitely wasn't Kazoo. At least not the Kazoo I knew. Hey, that rhymes! Kazoo… knew… I'm totally off topic…

Anyway, it was like someone hit me with a ton of bricks when I finally realized who he was. "KAZOO!" I screamed, making sure to put extra emphasis on the mispronunciation. "OMA OMA OMA OMA OMA OMA IT'S YOU!" I then totally jumped on top of him. (Teepee, that's "Oh my Agni." And before you say anything, I don't really care if your name is My-tutu or Mama-toga or Mock-a-teepee or whatever it is.)

"Of course it's me! What are you, blind?" a breathless Kazoo exclaimed. I responded by waving my hand in front of my face. He slapped himself.

"Hey, do you remember that one time…"

After much reminiscing, we had exhausted our usually boundless store of energy and sat with our backs to the padded "rubber" wall of the cell. For some reason, Kazu hadn't let me out, and I realized with a jolt he hadn't explained why he was in the Dai Li. I leaned over to where he was serenely reclining with his awkwardly long legs outstretched in front of him and punched my friend in the shoulder. "Kazoo," I began, "when I left, what happened?"

I felt him flinch. His heart suddenly raced and his breathing became more strained. This was probably a sensitive subject for him. Anxiety turned to terror. Emotions were flying through at a breakneck pace. It seemed like an eternity had passed before he spoke.

"Your Awesomeness," he said, his voice strained, "you don't want to know."

"I do, Kazoo, I really do," I insisted, trying to sound sweet and comforting (Tippy, don't tell me that's a surprise, because I think it worked).

"Before I tell you anything, you have to promise to think of me as Kazu, your friend, and nothing else," he said. I nodded. "Alright, here goes…"

Come on, Fish XXVI, say the disclaimer!

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Please?

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For me?

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Aww come on!

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I GIVE UP.