She Used To Be Mine

Chapter Four

A/N: So sorry about the wait, got tied up with some real life matters and the holidays and all that jazz. It hopefully shouldn't be that long again for updates, but thank you to anyone who read, commented, left kudos, or whatever. It's nice to know the story is fun to read.

Summary: And yeah, Amy's there again, scooping her up, saying all of the comforting words that he didn't. She's whispering 'sorrys' and things like 'we'll do this together' and although Karma knows they can't possibly manage it with things like college and careers and relationships in the way – she kind of wants to believe Amy can save her from this.

She's imperfect, but she tries

She is good, but she lies

"Why won't you stop crying?"

Karma knows she's whining. Babies aren't really known for being the quietest of creatures, but she didn't really expect something so small to be able to be so loud. She also thought the sounds of her own child's cry would be less of an annoyance than it is right now. But, no, she feels just as annoyed now as when she hears those infants in the grocery store (and don't worry, she feels like an awful person for being so bothered). She remembers always wondering why those parents were unable to soothe their own children. But yeah, now she totally gets it, and she wants to go back and apologize to all the mothers she had those thoughts about. She wants to go back, grovel at their feet, and say 'I didn't know, but I do now, and this is so much harder than I thought it'd be.'

"Evan, please, just cut me a break… even just five minutes," she's practically begging the baby in her arms, but he shows no signs of slowing down. "I don't know what else to do for you."

She feels like crying too, and she's resenting the fuck out of her parents for choosing tonight - of all the fucking nights - to be the featured speakers at the goddamn PFLAG event. What kind of grandparents miss their first, and only, grandson's first night at home? Why are they even at a PFLAG event when she's still straight (well, at least she's pretty sure she is) - the kind that were shunned from their own daughter's delivery room, Karma reminds herself. And yeah, she realizes this event has been planned for months, and neither of her parents really have a spiteful bone in their bodies, but who can think rationally with an infant screaming his head off?

Short answer: no one can think clearly with noise like this.

There's no way she's going to make it through the rest of the next hour if Amy doesn't get the fuck over here in the very near future. Karma fires off a text that she hopes Amy realizes is a total SOS signal.

February 16, 2017

(6:43 PM)

Karma: WHERE ARE YOU?!

(6:47 PM)

Amy: just finishing packing up my crap. everything okay? is evan ok?

Karma involuntarily smiles at Amy's concern for the baby. He's been alive for two whole days and he's already top priority in both of their lives.

(6:48 PM)

Karma: He won't stop crying :( Idk what to do. It's been 45 min and he's just so upset. He wasn't like this at the hospital. What do I do?

(6:50 PM)

Amy: leaving in a min to come back. sorry I couldn't just stay.. i had no idea you were gonna go into labor early. i was gonna be packed and ready by your due date. there in 5 k?

(6:51 PM)

Karma: Please hurry :/

Yeah, there's going to come a time when she's going to have to learn to take care of all the needs of this baby on her own, but today is not that day.

Karma's checked his diaper, he just ate a half hour ago, and she swears she's walked like five miles through the damn house, but none of it is doing jack shit to calm him. He totally used his cute face to fool her into thinking he was an angel at the hospital because he barely made a peep there. Now, it's like she can't even believe he's got the lung capacity for this kind of noise. His tiny face is beet red, and there are actual real tears running down his cheeks, and Karma can feel her heart twisting because she's his mom and she should be able to fix this.

Shouldn't she?

The thought of him continuing to cry like this for even five more seconds is making her emotions run rampant. Sure, she read about all those postpartum hormones, but she sort of figured maybe she'd be exempt from them. Being pregnant at eighteen felt like punishment enough for sleeping with Liam, the world could've just cut her some slack, and besides, she had enough of the mood swings while she was pregnant. And yet, here the hormones come, his little tears causing her own to well up in her eyes.

A few minutes later Amy finally appears, takes one look at them both, and immediately has her hands out for the baby. Karma gives him up willingly, and then feels like the absolute worst for giving her baby away. But, it's just to her best friend, and Amy's basically his second parent anyway, so she's trying not to feel so fucking awful about it.

(Newsflash: she still does.)

"Go take a shower and some time for yourself. You've barely slept since you had him, Karma, you're exhausted."

Karma nods and swats at the few tears that managed to escape. She just feels so fucking weak, and pathetic, and useless for barely lasting an hour alone with her kid. It's like she's failing tests she didn't even realize she was taking, and she's just so fucking tired. Amy's right, she hasn't slept, and it's taking it's toll. There was no way she was even remotely prepared for all the things that come with motherhood - but what did she know? High school is barely over, and it's not like she knows anyone with a kid.

The fucking zombies on The Walking Dead are literally more attractive than she is at this moment. Karma's pretty sure the bathroom lighting is fucking with her because she looks eighty instead of eighteen. In fact, she can't even really remember the last time she showered - and well, that's a problem. If she's being honest, Amy probably kicked her out for stench alone.

She can vaguely recall the nurse saying something like, 'if you don't care of yourself you're going to be no good to this baby,' and yeah, that sounds like such a reasonable idea when said baby isn't having an hour long conniption. There was also something along the lines of, 'make sure you sleep when he sleeps,' but that piece of advice really requires him to actually sleep, and at this point she's wondering where he's getting the energy to cry so much because she's completely fucking wiped.

The hot water in the shower certainly felt like a godsend, and she's pretty sure nothing has ever felt so good. She's totally going to thank Amy up and down for this half hour of time to herself, but first she has to relieve her from the loudest baby in the world. So, she takes a few deep breaths and pads back down the stairs to find Amy huddled on the couch with Evan settled in her lap. He seems content, and she has no idea what fucking baby magic Amy came over with, but she's grateful. As she peers at them from across the room it actually looks like they're in the middle of a very serious conversation (and Karma has absolutely no clue how that can be since he's all of like two days old.) So, she quietly creeps a little bit closer to try to make out what in the world Amy could possibly be saying.

"And Halloween 3 really doesn't even fit the storyline… like, Michael Myers isn't even in that one. But, what a lot of people don't know, is that John Carpenter didn't really even want those movies to be about him. He was just trying to make a series about scary stuff that happens on Halloween night and it got carried away with the whole Michael Myers thing."

Karma smirks and shakes her head. Only Amy would be having a serious film discussion with an infant because, really? Most people baby talk a newborn and make incoherent noises, but Amy Raudenfeld is giving IMDb facts to a baby like it's something he's going to go use at the bar for trivia night.

Evan has his little fingers wrapped tightly around one of Amy's, and Karma can barely even handle the look on Amy's face while she talks to him. She looks so smitten with him. It might be the cutest thing Karma's ever seen. No one really expected Amy to take to him - she's always made her dislike of babies very clear when she went on rampages about how they, 'Poop all over everything. Like little poop machines that you have to clean hourly. And then, just when you think you have it all figured out, they go and puke on you. No thanks. There's a reason I don't babysit.' But, it's pretty apparent that Amy's made an exception for Evan (Karma can't fault her, he really is the cutest kid ever).

"John Carpenter totally bailed after that mess of a third movie. And it's fine, I get what he was trying to do, but then the whole series went to sh- I mean… the whole series went to junk after the third one because he didn't wanna be involved. Did you know the fourth and fifth one don't even have Jamie Lee Curtis?" Evan grunts and Amy pauses, eyeing him warily, but he settles quickly. "I see you're clearly upset about this too. Get this, four and five are about her daughter, but then H2O came out and they don't even acknowledge those at all, and then she has a son and really the whole thing-"

"Amy, he's two days old," Karma says with a laugh as she crosses the room to sit next to the only two people that make any sort of sense. "You know he doesn't understand any of this, right?"

"This stuff's important. You gotta start 'em early, and these are essential facts."

And like, how can Karma really argue that? She got the whole essay on the Halloween franchise back when they were thirteen or something because Amy's a nerd, so, she totally should've seen this coming.

"How did you get him to stop crying?"

"He cried for a little after you left, but then he burped, which was totally impressive by the way, and then he seemed okay."

Karma deflates at the words. A burp. Of course. Why didn't she think of that? Who let her have a kid anyway?

"I guess I forgot to burp him earlier… I'm just so tired," she sighs and rubs at her temples to rid some of the building tension. "Thank you for being here."

"Karma, I wasn't gonna be anywhere else, okay? You have me," Amy reassures while she absentmindedly fixes Evan's blanket until he's swaddled just like the nurses did at the hospital. "You both have me. You can't do this by yourself, you shouldn't have to. I could cut Liam-"

"It's fine. I'd rather do this with you anyway, honestly." It's a lot more than she meant to say, and Amy doesn't seem to know how to respond, so Karma adds, "How did you learn to fix his blankets like that?"

"Just watched the nurses a lot. It's kind of like a burrito. I can totally handle that, I get burritos."

"Only you would manage to compare my kid to a taco-"

Amy scoffs and cuts her off, "A burrito. You don't fold tacos like this, they're not big enough."

"Oh, right. Obvs."

Their whole food debate is cut short when Evan starts to whine again and Amy instantly holds him out with raised eyebrows, as if to offer him like a little wrapped present. He does look pretty cute all wrapped up snug in his blanket, and Karma wants him back immediately.

He starts to cry as soon as he's in her arms and she for sure thinks her kid hates her. This is definitely getting Google-ed as soon as he finally succumbs to sleep. The search: Can your own two-day-old baby actually hate you?

"Relax with him. He can tell you're uneasy."

Easier said than done now that Amy's the baby expert (and when did that even happen?!)

This is the thing that's the most frustrating with babies - they have no way to tell you what's wrong or what they actually need. So, Karma's left guessing and just irritates him further when she unwraps his blanket to peek into his diaper. He's still clean, and there's just no way he can be hungry yet since he's still like at least an hour off his next feeding.

It's weird, she thinks, that she's always been more nurturing than Amy from when they were kids, and yet he's taken to Amy like she's the one that spent the nine billion hours in labor to push him out. There's only one thing she hasn't tried with him yet, and at this point it's like a fucking Hail Mary that it'll work.

Karma stands and sings the first few lines of an oldie that she remembers being her mom's go to on those nights when she was maybe five or six and hated bedtime. "Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper 'i love you', birds singing in the sycamore tree, dream a little dream of me. Say nighty night and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me, when I'm alone blue as can be, dream a little dream of me."

Tiny eyes start to hang heavy and droop when he heaves out a sigh, like it's been such a rough day, and how can she not smile? She can see Amy watching them, but she stays focused on the baby in her arms while she sways from side to side. He looks so peaceful as his breathing evens out when the sleep finally takes over. Karma hates herself just a little for all her terrible thoughts she had when he wouldn't stop crying.

"Sweet dreams til sunbeams find you - sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you. But in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me."

"Karma, hey, come on let's go to bed," she wakes to the sound of Amy whispering in her ear, and hands gently shaking her awake. The clock on the wall shows it's a little after three in the morning and she has no idea what is going on.

"What?"

"You fell asleep on the couch when I took Evan upstairs. I was gonna come get you, but he woke up when I tried to put him down, so I rocked him for a while until he fell asleep again."

"You're the best," Karma mumbles, exhaustion overcoming any and all thought processes.

Amy snorts suddenly. "Karma, wake up."

"I'm awake."

"Sure. And I'm Kate Winslet. Let's go, you always sleep like shit here."

It's the truth, they both know she never sleeps well on the couch, not from when they were seven years old and she started dozing off there during Kim Possible reruns (Karma's entirely aware that Amy always used to wait for her to fall asleep to change the channel to catch Degrassi - though to this day she still denies it.) Now, instead of cartoons she's sort of the one living out the teen drama storylines. It's bottles, diapers, and figuring out how to calm down a baby that clearly thinks sleeping is preposterous. She'd give anything to be able to a kid again - maybe she should've enjoyed that time more when she was living it. But then again, she was like seven, what the fuck did she know?

"Can't you just carry me?" she begs as she sits up and rubs at her eyes that are barely staying open as it is.

"How strong do you think I am?!" Amy scoffs, but her eyes twinkle with a familiar playfulness when she offers a hand.

Karma takes the help, and downright refuses to let go once their fingers are connected. "There's an insult in there somewhere, but it's three in the morning and you put my kid to bed, so right now I don't even care."

There's a second where she worries Amy is pulling away when she yanks her hand back, but then Amy's back is towards her and she hears, "Hop on."

"Seriously?"

"Before I change my mind, Karms."

She sure as hell doesn't need to be told twice. So, she carefully hoists herself up onto Amy's back, and feels hands wrap up under her thighs to secure her placement. They wobble slightly when Amy starts walking, and Karma stifles a giggle into the blonde head of hair that's obscuring her vision.

"Don't drop me!"

"Then quit wiggling," Amy heaves out through an exaggerated breath.

They barely make it up the steps, and Karma swears they almost end up in the ER for some type of injury. She wonders if she should be more responsible and more worried about her own well being now that Evan's depending on her to be there 24/7. But then, those few minutes goofing off with Amy certainly made it feel like she could breathe just a little bit easier. Amy's sort of like this magical de-stressor and yeah, it's only been like twenty-four hours, but she's made raising a kid at least manageable.

There's the usual nighttime routine as they both overcrowd the bathroom, and step on each other's toes, while navigating between the bathtub and vanity like every other sleepover they've ever had. It's beyond Karma why they don't just take turns in the bathroom, but they're too many years into this routine to start questioning it now.

"Move it."

"My toothbrush is over here," Amy says just like every time before. It's almost like reading from a script, but it still makes them both smile just as stupidly as the first time.

"Well, my face wash is over here too."

"If you move me, Karma, I swear I'll hip check you into that bathtub." And oh, that's new, and totally not part of the script. Karma raises an eyebrow and inches into Amy's space because, duh, how could she not test the boundaries with that kind of threat? She keeps moving her foot slowly, watching Amy's smile grow around the toothbrush with every inch she takes. "Karma…"

"Amy…" she mocks as she reaches around, hands fumbling for the bottle on the sink. Then, she finds Amy wasn't fucking around when she's knocked completely off balance, stumbling sideways as the backs of her knees hit the ledge of the tub. Amy's face looks completely horror stricken and she reaches out to avoid the inevitable outcome Karma's about to face. Instead, they both just end up in a heap in the tub because Karma sure as fuck wasn't not taking Amy with her.

"Oh my god. Are you okay?!"

Karma can barely catch her breath she's laughing so hard, and god it feels good to laugh again. "I can't fucking believe you did that!"

"I really didn't think you'd fall!" Amy says through her own sudden laughter. "I think we're delirious."

There's toothpaste droplets literally everywhere, and who even knows where Amy's toothbrush disappeared to. Karma takes a few breaths and looks down, "Ugh, you got toothpaste all over me, Ames."

"I told you not to fuck with me," she responds with a shrug, like it's completely normal that they're laying on top of each other in a bathtub at four in the morning.

Karma supposes they should move, but instead she just sighs and focuses on the ceiling tiles. "I'm so tired I could probably sleep here."

"You and me both. At least you got a nap in."

Karma looks to her right, being sure to catch Amy's eyes. "You know you didn't have to do that-"'

"I was just messing with you," Amy says, seriousness lacing her words. "You pushed the kid out, not me, and you look so tired, Karm."

She looks and feels it. But, she's trying her best to sort of suck it up and be there. She's the one that got pregnant after all, she's the one that has to deal with the consequences. Why should Amy have to suffer for her own stupidity? Though, if she's honest, Amy sort of always suffers from her stupidity, and that's just the unfair facts of their friendship. Karma deflates a little the second she realizes it.

"I'm going to pay you back for all this. I swear I am."

Amy shakes her head and shifts to her side so they're face to face in this stupid bathtub. The porcelain is anything but comfortable, but moving sounds ridiculously unappealing so Karma just settles too. "Don't you dare."

"How can I not? I'm not a good enough mom to do this by myself. I- you knew he needed to be burped. You put him to bed. Let's face it… I suck."

"C'mere," Amy whispers, wrapping an arm around Karma's waist to make the few inches between them disappear. "You do not suck. I told you before, and I'll tell you every single day if it helps - he is so lucky to have you as his mom."

She nestles a little closer in some attempt to escape all her insecurities. "I have no idea what I'm doing," she admits, quietly.

"No one does when they have a baby," Amy reassures. "I guess unless someone's on like their fifth kid, which sounds horrific by the way, but even then how do they know what they're doing with five kids as opposed to four and do you think they ever sleep if there's five little terrors running around-"

"Amy."

"Right, sorry, got carried away," and then Karma feels Amy's hands rubbing her back, and it's never failed to make her feel just slightly better. "My point was, everyone figures it out eventually."

"What if I don't?"

"That's what I'm here for, ya goof."

Karma smiles. "You have your own life, Ames. You can't give up everything for a baby that's not yours."

"You are my life," she answers quickly with a small shrug of her shoulders. They break eye contact, and Karma knows how serious that just sounded, and from the way Amy's hand freezes for the briefest of seconds she knows they're both feeling the heaviness. "Metaphorically speaking," Amy finally adds, breaking the silence.

"What about Madison?"

It takes a few minutes for Amy to answer, and Karma already basically knows what she's going to say before it happens. "We broke up."

"When?"

"Valentine's Day," and Karma sighs at the answer. She feels partly responsible, even though she probably shouldn't - everything that Amy's done since the beginning of the pregnancy has been Amy's decision, not Karma's.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

There's a small laugh, and Karma grins when she realizes how fucking stupid that question was. "Did you want me to break that out in between contractions?"

"Yeah, that was dumb," Karma concedes. Amy chuckles at her answer. "You okay though?"

There's a brief nod and then, "Jesus, Karma, it's four thirty, this was stupid," which really effectively closes the subject of Madison all together.

Amy goes to get up, and offers her hands, and Karma kind of wants to hold them forever. She shakes her head at the thought, and vows to try not to attach so much weight to every simple thing Amy does for her, because really it's not going to help anyone to get into that drama again right now.

"It wasn't stupid," Karma says as she lets Amy help her stand. "It was nice to laugh again. Thank you."

"I'll make you laugh anytime you want, just not at this hour of the morning," Amy keeps their fingers intertwined, and leads them both to bed. "I'm supposed to be taking care of you and making sure you get sleep, not keeping you up. Now, get in bed."

"It's kind of weird when you're the adult," Karma comments and receives a fake scowl from Amy in return.

"I can be an adult when I have to be."

"First time I've ever seen it," she says through a yawn. Amy moves to sit on the floor and starts to go through the bag she left next to the bassinet where Evan wiggles around and whimpers in his sleep. Karma still can't believe she made a person. "Aren't you coming to bed?"

"Just looking for something," and then there's an ah-ha moment, and Amy raises her hand with some brown fluffy thing in victory. "I got this for him."

"What is it?"

"It's a blanket bear," Amy says as she perches on the side of the bed to show it off. "Two birds with one stone. The stuffed animal and the blankie. There's going to be no competition for his number one toy."

Karma's never really going to get used to Amy being so damn sweet. What did she even do in some past life to deserve the best best friend ever? Sure, she feels bad for basically monopolizing Amy's life, and probably ruining her relationship with Madison (not that it was going anywhere anyways), but Amy's the best thing, and she's going to make sure her kid knows it too.