Crash Landing in Scranton
Chapter 4
Dunder Mifflin Hazing
There were numerous reasons why I stepped into the office more early than I needed to the following day. First of all, I wanted to avoid all the stares of everyone in the office if I stepped in late. Second, I had a LOT of paper work to surmount within the course of the day. And what better way to get a good grip on it then to start early? Exactly. So anyway, I stepped in only to see Dwight in the office. He didn't give me a second glance and continued shoving papers through the fax machine. I didn't take much offense to him, and made my way over to my desk.
I ran my hand through my hair and then pulled out my folders overflowing with applications, questionnaires, surveys, etcetera. I think I may have even pulled out a work application for Subway. I shrugged and tossed it into the trash can next to my desk. I drew up my pen and began to scribble haphazardly and with much boredom across one of the applications now littering my desk.
After almost writing my name, I could have sworn, over a hundred times I could feel someone's presence hovering over my shoulder. I shuddered and then quickly snapped around to see Jim looking down soberly at me. He seemed more tired than was perusal. I blinked at him, "Hey Jim."
"Hey." Jim blinked back, scanning the piles and piles of papers I was working through. There was a moment of silence and I was kind of miffed as to why Jim was over at my desk rather than at reception with Pam.
"What's up?" I asked him, continuing on one of the papers I had just been working on. Jim shoved his hands into his pockets.
"I heard about Ryan." he said. "And I was just going to tell you..."
But I cut him off, "Uhm, how?" I said, raising my eyebrow. My heart was shuddering. Who was going around telling everyone? But the culprit passed me just as I was mulling this over with a quick and bitchy stride. She stuck her nose up in the air upon passing my desk and folded her arms over her chest. Kelly. Geez, that girl needed to chill. Obviously, Ryan didn't like me. So why did she have to go around and tell everyone about it?
He jerked his thumb in Kelly's direction and rested his palms on my desk before looking me in the eyes. "You like Ryan, don't you?" he cocked his head to the side like a puppy dog. I was slightly amused until I reminded myself to answer his question.
"I suppose. But I don't want to waste my time on someone who's not interested..." I trailed off, staring contemplatively at the floor and avoiding eye contact with Jim. I jiggled my pen between my fingers and tried to keep myself from thinking about Ryan.
"Well I know he's into you." Jim said. "I can tell."
I gave Jim a confused look, "How can he be into me? I mean we just met yesterday and he completely blew me off for Kelly. He must like her and obviously not me..." I tried to keep a straight face but my lip kept twitching downward and my face felt heavy.
Jim shrugged his shoulders up to his ears and smiled meekly, "I'm not entirely sure myself. I mean he's nice to Kelly and everyone else in the office. But he's...hmm...not the Ryan we're all used to around you. And if you can change the way a guy acts, he's in to you. Nine point five times out of ten." Jim and I laughed together in a short chorus and I smiled at him.
"Thanks Jim. You're a really good friend." I said, giving him my most sincere smile. I couldn't exactly say that I'd felt friendly or chummy towards anyone in my life. I mean, I had friends. But it was almost fake with every person that I always met and made relations with. Jim and Pam and everyone I'd made acquaintance with at Dunder Mifflin were different. Sure, they were at work, and most of them wanted to just be at home. A prime example of this was Stanley Hudson. But all of them had certain things about them that told me that here they were a family, sure a deranged kind of family but a family nonetheless.
"No problem." Jim put a caring hand on my shoulder before waltzing back over to his desk. Dwight had seen our conversation and gave me a troll eye stare. I mouthed back to him that it was all part of the plan. Dwight flashed me a creepy sort of smile and turned to his phone as it rang. I signaled to Jim and his face split into a grin.
"He's onto us." Jim mouthed and I covered my mouth to hide the fact I was laughing silently. Michael stepped out from his office and everyone intentionally went back to what they were doing.
"Okay everyone." Michael announced, pacing the floor and looking out at every one of his employees. Most of them chose to ignore him. "We'll all be meeting in the conference room to discuss our little introduction for our new intern Ashley!" he pointed to me and I hid my face.
"Come on Michael," I addressed him. "We all welcomed me last night at Poor Richard's. There's really no need for this." However, Michael ignored me and began speaking again.
"Alright, conference room ten minutes. BE DERRREEE." Michael returned to his office and everyone looked over at me.
"It's protocol." Phyllis rolled her eyes. "Michael always does this to new people in the office. It's his form of hazing."
Hazing? I raised an eyebrow at Phyllis. "Hazing? You mean like usually violent and illegal acts of initiation usually executed in college sororities?" I pressed. Phyllis nodded with her lips pursed. Awesome. Actually, I was kind of excited for this. My paperwork was getting kind of boring anyway. And having the Scranton police after me was something I was just anxious to see. It kind of brought back memories for me.
So the conference room was filled with all of the Dunder Mifflin employees and Michael stood at the head of the room with a shit eating smile on his face. I was kind of nervous, I mean Michael seemed kind of crazy. And way beyond the level of crazy the kids from my college were. My fingers twitched as Michael began and Toby, from his seat next to me, chuckled at my nervousness.
"Okay," immediately after he began talking he started laughing. Dwight of course joined in with him. "So we're all gathered here today to haz- welcome our new intern Ashley Jones." Everyone else but Michael and Dwight was bored and silent. "Ashley, come to the front of the room."
I stood up to comply but the squeal of a Whoopee Cushion filled the air. I looked down to see that someone had planted it underneath of my foot. Everyone rolled their eyes up at Michael and I laughed. Michael and Dwight, however, broke out into their lone chorus of hysteric giggles.
I stood at the front of the room and looked at everyone. "Uhm, Michael? I didn't exactly prepare anything for this..." Michael was laughing about something and wasn't paying any attention to me. I cleared my throat, "Okay so, I'm uh, Ashley. And uh, I grew up in the Leigh Valley, just a like an hour from here." but all of a sudden an ambush of animal growls and snarls echoed from underneath Dwight's chair.
"Dwight? What the hell was that?" Jim said, trying to get a look underneath of Dwight's chair. Dwight blocked him by waving his arms around at Jim's face and squawking incomprehensibly at him. Jim reeled back with a bewildered look on his face. I cracked up.
"Seriously Dwight what is that?" Pam echoed, trying to do what Jim had just attempted. Dwight repeated what he'd just done, but in doing so I caught a glimpse of a caged raccoon. It looked rabid or something.
"DWIGHT WHAT THE HELL? A RABID RACCOON!?" I screamed, trying to run out of the room. Everyone else present in the room began standing up and screaming at Dwight. Dwight tried to shush everyone and get them back in their seats.
"Shut up! You'll make it even more aggravated then it already is!" Dwight hissed. Jim rolled his eyes.
"Cause we don't want to be trapped in here with an enraged rabid animal." he said sarcastically. Everyone tried to rush past Dwight while Michael was chastising him. Dwight was screaming incomprehensibly. Suddenly, and without warning I could hear the cage get knocked over. Oh good God, no no no.
"OH MY GOD ITS ESCAPING!" Kelly screeched amid hysteria. Everyone toppled over each other to escape the conference room. I rushed over to the door and pushed it shut with Oscar.
"Dwight what the hell was going through your mind when you decided to bring that monster into the office?" I demanded, sliding down the door and sitting on the floor with my knees drawn up to my chest.
"Hazing." Dwight muttered, gazing through the conference room window as the raccoon ran around frantically.
"I'll go call animal control..." Jim sighed, walking over to his desk and beginning to dial on his phone.
"That thing could have bitten one of us." Meredith shuddered, looking at the raccoon along with Dwight. Everyone present shuddered and I began wringing my hands.
"Well," I guess we'll get back to work?" I said, standing up to go over to my desk. But Michael grabbed me by the shoulders and stopped me. I looked at him, startled.
"Not so fast there young GRASSHOPPAH." he screamed in my ear. I blinked. "There's still the matter of your welcome."
"Really Michael! I don't want anything." I said, starting to get pissed off at him. I brushed his fingers from my shoulders and trotted over to my desk. Everyone else in the office dispersed from the conference room door and usual work activities resumed.
Silence overtook the office, and Michael shuffled back into the office. I knew he was pissed, but I really didn't care. I'd had enough of this embarrassment for a long time. But sadly, I knew that I was only escaping it for the moment.
Actually, at the moment, my phone was currently vibrating with a call. I jumped as the phone began dancing noisily across my desk. I snatched it up as everyone turned to look over at me. I blushed and mumbled sorry before rushing out of the office and into the hallway. I blinked down at the number. "Hello?" I said, completely curious who this was. I'd never seen the number before in my life.
"Can I have ten large cheese pizza with extra condoms?" It was Dwight. What the hell was with them?
In the background I could Michael screaming, "Dwight I told you that was stupid!" I could hear wrestling and childish screaming. I opened the door and walked into Michael's office while hanging up my phone. I came in to see Dwight on top of Michael's desk with Michael on top of him wriggling towards the phone in Dwight's outstretched arm. I rolled my eyes and slapped my forehead.
"Seriously guys, cut it out." I mumbled, turning around and walking out the door. Michael and Dwight began bickering over who's fault it was that their "ingenious prank" had failed. I slammed the door behind me.
As I began walking back to my desk I collided head on with Ryan. Of course. Just freaking perfect. He looked up at me, bewildered. I was the first to come to words.
"Sorry Ryan." I snapped, somewhat harshly. I tried to move away from him but he stepped in front of me. I stumbled to make a break for it but he kept me there.
"No. I'm the one who should be sorry Ashley. I acted like a complete asshole last night. And I really didn't act the way I truly feel." he put his hands on shoulders and looked deeply into my eyes. I rolled mine in response.
"Oh please. I'm not dumb like you think I am." I crossed my arms and turned away from him. "I'm not going to be your girl on the side or whatever it is you were planning. I like Toby anyway." What was I saying?! I didn't like Toby! I liked Ryan. My brain was convulsing around feverishly in my head as I walked away from Ryan. He didn't stop me anymore, he just stood there in shock.
I ran into the bathroom, confused and not wanting to see anyone look at me anymore. I tried to gain solace in an empty stall but who was to stop me but Pam.
"What's wrong?" Pam searched my eyes, which were brimming with tears. My hands shook and I couldn't formulate a response to her questions.
"Everything!" I managed before my eyes began leaking and my mouth trembled. Pam engulfed me in a hug, she smelled sweet and kind. I threw my arms around her. "I'm just so confused." I blubbered. I kind of sounded like an idiot but Pam didn't seem to mind.
"I know exactly how you're feeling right now Ashley. I was in the same situation myself. There's that guy that's right for you and you know you like him but then there's another one who you're just supposed to be with." Pam's voice was almost quavering as she said this herself. What was Pam talking about? Her and Jim seemed like they had been together forever.
"Yeah." I choked, my tears and shaking subsiding. We sat in silent embrace for a while before Meredith came in and asked what we were doing. Me and Pam just kind of giggled and went together into the break room. We sat at a table and had a long, uninterrupted conversation until Toby and Jim walked in. It was almost strange to see Toby after I had been talking about him so much with Pam. I could feel my heart jerk a little inside of me and Pam looked over at me.
"You alright? Your eyes are all red. Were you crying?" Toby sat down next to me, examining my face with his careful sad eyes. I couldn't look into them. Instead I looked over at Pam who was nodding her head at me.
I sucked in my breath, "I guess not." I sighed, staring down at the table and running my hands against each other roughly.
"Well, you know it's almost time to leave. And uhm," Toby looked over to Jim who nodded at him. It seemed like me and Toby had consulted just the right people. "I was wondering if you wanted to go somewhere with me?" he looked down and then up at me. I smiled, truly and genuinely.
"I'd love to." I replied, feeling my cheeks flush with color.