Hello my lovelies. It's been a while, hasn't it? Not as long as last time, but long enough. Fastest update yet, isn't it? I'll admit, I'm having a bit of trouble writing this at the moment...I go through these little obsessive phases, and at the moment my brain has been taken over by Merlin and all Harry Potter thoughts (or any other thoughts for that matter) have been exterminated. EXTERMINATED? Surely that doesn't mean...THE DALEKS? (Okay I guess not all other thoughts...) But Harry Potter is still in there somewhere...and now that I've finished all the Merlin possible for now (anyone know when it starts again?), my obsession juices should balance themselves out once more, and Harry Potter will be allowed in my head again. It was helped a little bit by the fact that as I was finishing up the last season of Merlin, I saw someone very familiar and I spazzed out a bit. Season 3, episode 11, I saw...drum roll please...DUDLEY! OOOOOOOOOHHH it was NICE. Can you imagine? Dudley with magic? Strange sight, really. Plus then a few episodes before that I saw Jenny - the Doctor's 'daughter', from the Doctor Who episode titled as such - as some stuffy princess Arthur ends up making out with endlessly. AND THEN I noticed that the Great Dragon is Mr. Freakin Ollivander. *dies* So Merlin is helping to bring back some of my other obsessions.

Thank you for the alerts and favorites and, my personal favorite, the reviews. A good review is like a virtual cup of coffee, did you know? It makes you all hyper and helps you get through the next chapter. But the great thing about it is you don't crash later! So as your virtual, self-employed, Court Physician, I prescribe a healthy dosage of positive reviews to be taken daily. Hypothetically speaking, if you were to drink a LOT of this coffee...would you like...get high, or something? Happy high? High from the happy? EVERYONE! SHARE THE HYPOTHETICAL COFFEE!

Yes, that was just me telling you to review...but I'm not going to black mail you into reviewing or anything. I'll update regardless. But this review coffee stuff might just speed up the process...also I just really like the stuff. Never had coffee coffee before...don't really plan on it. I don't like the smell. But virtual coffee is the best. Especially virtual coffee spiked with the ever so addicting drug called compliments. Don't even try to tell me you haven't smoked it before! I know you better than that! (can you smoke coffee? huff it? I'm not exactly an expert in the drug field...or the coffee one.)

*looks at ground sheepishly* *briefly wonders where the term sheepishly came from* *pictures sheep staring at ground sheepishly* I'm not crazy! Denial? Possibly.

AND ON WITH THE CHAPTER!

Petunia and Vernon Dursley - Mum and Dad - sitting in his living room.

Dudley was not ready for this.

'Oh, Vernon, would you look at our little boy? Dudley, you grow more handsome every time I see you!' Mum squeaked, running over to hug her son. By the way she carried on, you'd think Dudley was the prodigal son or something - squeezing him so tight he could hardly breath, all the while squealing almost to the point of sobbing. As he tried to squirm his way out of her arms, he pushed the owl cage behind the door in hopes it would go unnoticed.

Mum finally pulled away and looked him over, head to toe. She poked at his stomach. 'Dudley! You've lost weight! Doesn't Sally feed you any more?'

'I'm eating fine, Mother' he muttered.

'Dudley, my boy! How've you been?' Dad bellowed.

'Er...'

'Well don't just stand there! Sit!'

Dudley sat.

'How's Paisley been?' he asked. Then, without waiting for an answer he rushed into his next thought. 'You know, I picked something up for her on the way here. Go ahead and look. It's in the bag on the table.'

Dudley eyed the bag. What will it be this time? At least it was small...and they had limited it to one. He was nearly certain they couldn't fit a pony or a big screen television inside. Of course...it could be an adoption certificate for said pony...

Inside turned out not to be a pony or expensive tele, but something infuriating nonetheless. 'Dad. An iphone 14? Really?'

'Yes really. You were nine by the time you got your first phone! Paisley's is long over due.'

'But an iphone?'

'I know! She'll love it! Can't wait to give it to her. Don't you agree, Dudley?'

'Yes...' Dudley paused, seeing the 'I'm right and you know it' look on his father's face. Where exactly was he going with that? What would he say? What he wanted to say was 'She can't have it because I don't want to turn my kid into a rotten spoiled brat like you did to me. I will not be like you.' But what he said instead was 'It's lovely, Dad. But you'll have to hide it until her birthday. Keep it a surprise until then.'

'Of course I will! It's so much more fun to open up an iphone when it's among the lesser presents like clothes and kiddy toys!'

An awkward silence grew between the two as Dudley mentally beat himself for his cowardice. 'You must be hungry from the long drive. I'll fix something' he offered, wanting any reason to excuse himself.

Dad caught him by the arm as he got up. 'Nonsense, Dudley. That's woman's work. Sally will fix us dinner, won't you Sally?'

Sally, a bit taken aback, stood up and neaded for the kitchen, shooting daggers at Dudley as she passed. 'Of course...I don't mind' she muttered.

The uncomfortable silence in the room grew as she left, until you could practically feel the awkward. 'How about some drinks?' Dudley suggested. Yes. Alcohol! That's what he needed.

'Sounds great. Petunia!'

'No, Dad I'll get it!'

'Nonsense Dudley. We're busy talking. Your mother will - '

'Will not be able to reach it!' Dudley interrupted. 'They're far too high up. It's okay though. I can get them.' He hurried off into the kitchen, finding Sally angrily tending to a pot of spaghetti on the stove.

'Dudley, you need to learn to say no to him! What happens if he hears about the school situation? Would you really pull her out just for him?'

'Of course not!'

'Were you planning on telling him?'

Dudley didn't answer.

'Of course you weren't! Ugh. Dudley, you can't keep doing this! I know your father is a bit intimidating - '

'A bit?'

'But you can't let him push you around! Stop pretending you're fine with everything he says!'

'I don't - '

'An iphone? A lovely idea? Dudley, you and I just told her she couldn't have a phone until she was 13, let alone an iphone!'

'I just don't want to make him feel - '

'Exactly! You're afraid of him.'

'No, I - '

'We even told them not to go about fifty pounds!'

'Well...'

'Dudley! I'm sick of this!'

Dudley hung his head in defeat. She was right, of course. 'Look...I'm sorry. I really am. It's just...I'm not used to being on the opposing side...not with him. And I'm not sure how to tell him I'm not with him on this, or anything, without being disrespectful and making it worse. The man might be a horrid person, but he's still my father.'

Sally sighed loudly. 'Look, I don't care how you say it. Just say it.' And with that she spun him around and shoved him back in the direction of the living room.

He grabbed several beers, immediately chugging one as he headed back to his father. He was going to need a good buzz if he was going to pull this off.

Dudley wasn't a drunk. He rarely drank at all, in fact. But he always found himself turning to alcohol when his parents visited. Though he had no clue why that was...

'Dudley! Where's my beer?'

Nope, not the faintest idea...

Dudley joined mum and dad on the sofa, having now finished the first bottle. The alcohol worked quickly, numbing the pain of their presence, but it was not enough to make him say or do anything he might regret. Strategic Drinking, he called it. It was almost medical.

'So Dudley...how's Paisley liking that school I chose for her? It's just like Smeltings! Have you bought her school things yet?'

'Well I - '

'I'm sure she'll love it!'

'But Dad - '

'There is no better school in the area! Nothing but the best for my granddaughter.'

'Yes, it is a great school - '

'Exactly! You'd be a fool not to send her there!'

He was going to say it. He really was. Paisley isn't going to Flemmings. She's going to Hogwarts. But, like always, he stopped himself last minute. 'She...she's lucky to go there.' Not enough beer. He began chugging another bottle.

Dad set down his bottle and looked at his son. 'Well enough about Paisley. Seems that's all we talked about since those tests came back positive. What about you, Dudley? What've you been up to?'

Dudley scratched his head. 'Nothing really. Work keeps my busy.'

'Busy just like your old man, eh? I tell you I've been worked to the bone this past year. Seems like they're trying to scare me off! As if I'd quit.'

Dad laughed and Dudley found himself laughing along, at both the concept of his father being 'worked to the bone' (coming from a man who was wider than he was tall), and at the idea of him quitting when the work became too much. Vernon Dursley was many things, but a quitter he would never be.

'What on earth would you do in retirement? Who is Vernon Dursley without drills?' Dudley chuckled.

'Let's hope we never find out! I doubt I'd be very pleasant.' He fell back in his chair, laughing like a mad man or, rather an old drunk, and Dudley laughed even harder. 'I suppose it's bound to happen eventually. And when it does, I'll be doing what all the other old times do. Getting me a pair of Bermudas and some golf clubs! I'm sure I'll come to enjoy it' he said once the laughing died down some.

'Dad do you even know how to play?'

'Not really, but I'll learn quick enough. Ignorance is to be expected. And soon enough you'll be joining me Dudley. We can go in for a golf cart together!'

Dudley laughed harder once more, nearly spitting out his drink. As he collected himself, he went over what he would say in his head. He knew he wasn't quite ready to tell him about Hogwarts, so he'd start with something smaller. He chugged down the rest of the bottle, now having successfully downed five, and stared at the growing collection of bottles on the table, not saying anything at all. His dad turned his attention to opening his newest beer, not noticing the silence.

'Dad?' he finally started. 'What if you wanted to do something...different? What if you didn't want to do what's expected of you?'

'Dudley, what are you getting at?'

'I was just wondering...hypothetically of course, if you wanted to do something more than anything else in the world, but it was something your family wouldn't approve of...what would you do?'

'I don't know...I'm already doing what I want.'

'What if Grandpa hadn't approved of your job at Grunnings?'

'He didn't.'

'He didn't?'

'Nope. Thought it would turn me into a stick in the mud. But what does he know, eh?'

'So you didn't care that he didn't like it? Wasn't he angry?'

'Oh yeah, he was angry as hell! But you know what I decided? Damn the consequences, I was getting that job.'

'So...hypothetically still, what would you do if I had done that to you?'

To his surprise, he laughed. 'Is this about Paisley? Boy, Dudley, she's really got you wrapped around her finger doesn't she?'

Dudley laughed awkwardly and said 'No, dad...it isn't.'

He got very serious all of a sudden, looking him straight in the eye. 'Why are you asking all these questions, Dudley?'

Fidgeting a bit in his seat, not unlike a little boy afraid of a spanking, he quickly turned to denial 'It's nothing Dad. I was just curious...for future reference.'

'Dudley.'

'I just...I'm just sorting some things out. That's all.'

Dudley suddenly felt his father grab him by the shoulders and shake him. 'I don't know what it is you're "figuring out", but forget it. You've got a nice life set up here. Don't mess it up. Get your priorities straight.'

'Okay! Okay! I promise, I wasn't going to do anything rash!'

'Good. What ever this is about, I don't want to hear it. This conversation never happened.' And with that, Dad barked at Petunia that they were leaving and they headed off to their hotel.

And Dudley just felt more confused.

So...he didn't tell his parents...

He will though! Just...not yet.

In my first draft of this I had this whole bit of Vernon saying how he'd wanted to be a rock star but his father wanted him to do something more practical...don't know what I was thinking really. A rock star? I sorta like the idea though...of course it would be not just OOC, but AU as in no known universe would Vernon Dursley even consider doing anything that didn't involve drills, and certainly not something so exciting. What would his band name be? Something to do with whales obviously. Or walruses. I could see him as a walrus. The moustache...So he's a whale-walrus? A whalerus? That'd be a lousy band name though...

Okay I'm done now. I'm sounding pretty crazy. Suggest a band name for Vernon Dursley? And don't forget to add the virtual coffee. Or I'll go through withdrawal! And we don't want that to happen.

Signed,

~your madder-by-the-minute author,

RogueJedi96.