I can't believe it. Two days ago marked a year of this story being published. A YEAR. How on Earth has it been that long? Why am I so slow? I'm on chapter 4 for crying out loud. But I'm hoping that I'll be able to pick it up a bit from here, 'cause after this chapter things will hopefully be more fast-paced. I promise I'll try, 'cause I kinda like this story.

Also, I do small edits to previous chapters sometimes, because often they bug me. And they're so far between that people probably have to read them again to figure out what's going on, if anyone cares that much. Also, I'm looking for some constructive criticism on my writing. I'm sensitive, so I admit I do require the Compliment Sandwich most of the time, but I often am afraid my writing is too wordy or hard to understand. Let me know your advice; I seek to improve.

So last time we had Robin in his disastrous yet simultaneously successful in a way babysitting escapade, and his rekindled fascination with finding himself a ~true love~. This next chapter, he works to set up his plan. Please enjoy

Chapter 4: Enter The Wife Project, and Shulk's Classy Lady Advice

Lucina jumped with surprise when the first sight that greeted her upon waking was Robin sitting at the table, hunched over a large piece of paper illuminated by a single lamp. And muttering to himself.

"…Good morning," she said. Robin waved a hand, not sparing the brain room required to formulate a response. He had to focus, he was almost done his newest endeavor, his stroke of pure brilliance that had come to him in the night. He scribbled out another sentence before closing the bottom of the box with a firm, ruler-assisted line.

Lucina made herself a cup of coffee before commenting again (as two mostly reserved people, their conversations were usually stratified, which Robin preferred). "…How long have you been up for?" she asked.

"Yes," replied Robin passionately, without looking up.

"…to what do you owe the pleasure of staying up all night again?"

Having just completed his big bulleted paragraph, the geneticist whipped around in his chair, the light of "so-glad-you-asked" burning in his eyes. He leapt to his feet, snatching his freshly completed masterpiece off the table.

"So," Robin said, rummaging around in one of the kitchen drawers for magnets, "Last night I had a brilliant thought. I hypothesize that I've been going about this 'dating' process all wrong."

Lucina raised an eyebrow, which could have meant any number of things that Robin did not deign to try and interpret.

"I haven't gone about it the right way," repeated Robin, extracting several refrigerator magnets from the drawer. "I was foolish to think I would be able to do this any other way but systematically!" He was acting giddier than he had ever allowed himself to outwardly express, bouncing like a child excited by his new coloring book. He unfurled the large poster in his hands and held it to the fridge. "That is why I have created a carefully calculated master list of compatibility that will allow me to find the perfect potential partner."

He stepped back, revealing his work. The flowchart-slash-master list contained every criteria that Robin's hyper-logical brain could come up with to ensure an optimal, lasting relationship with the highest compatibility to himself. He even left some space at the bottom, in case more came to him along the way.

It was simply titled "The Wife Project", and it went as follows:

The Wife Project

Hypothesis: If a potential partner fulfills the requirements below, then the chances of 100% compatibility are 99%-100% guaranteed.

CRITERIA:

-Subject must possess good physical health and lifestyle choices: i.e. no smoking, excessive consumption of alcohol, harmful, preexisting hereditary conditions, veganism, et c.

-Subject must not have a tendency toward risk-taking behavior, whether physical, financial, or relational, that could damage a relationship.

-Subject must have a certain level of cleanliness and regard for neatness, order, and good health.

-Subject must also be willing to accept and understand experimenter's level of neatness, order, and good health.

-Subject must be of a down-to-earth, logically driven demeanor, so as to not drive the experimenter out of his mind. Minimal dramatics, poetics, romantics, and other unnecessary complications that could damage a relationship.

-Subject must also be of a direct demeanor, verbal and literal, to optimize successful communication with experimenter.

-Subject must be punctual.

-Subject's hair must have a certain degree of symmetry.

-Subject must be able to think in the future and plan ahead, especially concerning relationship and important life matters.

-Subject must not have overt connections to the number that will remain unnamed.

If these criteria are fulfilled by any person, then that person possesses the qualities that are perfectly compatible with the specific position and qualities of the experimenter, and will ultimately lead to success.

Robin had tried his best to work out what kind of person might be qualified to be in a long-term relationship with a person like himself. This project would help him eliminate the smokers, the late-arrivers, the overly emotional. Situations like he had with the woman with horribly uneven hair would also be avoided. He wanted to ensure that this person would not only help improve some of the communication skills he lacked, but could also accommodate his peculiarities, which after all this time, he could finally admit were too demanding for many to handle (the admission still stung and he'd never confess it aloud). In fact, he was a bit amazed that Lucina had lasted so long, as someone nearly as rigid as he. However, she was eventually going to get a place to live, leaving him and his orderly demands to himself.

So, Robin had a final criteria that he kept in his head, too personal to be placed on the official project: the subject must be someone who wouldn't give up and leave him, no matter how dysfunctional he was. Preferably because they were in love or something of that sort.

When Lucina finished reading the project, her brow was furrowed. She could have said any number of things, but all she said was, "Why so particular about health? Not all of those things can be controlled."

"I thought that would be obvious," Robin replied easily. "Such health hazards as smoking, alcohol, and heart or intestinal issues would pose risks to myself, our relationship, and if my plan were to go supremely optimally, future offspring. Nothing particularly personal."

"What about veganism then?"

"Oh. Vegans are just insufferable."

Lucina made a face like she was tasting something bitter. "Very few women take kindly to people telling them how to live their lives."

By this point, Robin could safely conclude that Lucina was not nearly as excited by this breakthrough as he was, and that she possessed a fundamental misunderstanding of the purpose of his project. This irritated him.

"I am not trying to tell anyone to do anything," insisted Robin with crossed arms. "I am trying to find someone- and by all laws of probability, there must be at least several- who fits into this category of one-hundred-percent compatibility. Then we can all be satisfied. It's not hard to grasp."

Lucina's eyes flashed a bit at Robin's tone (typically, Robin struggled to pick up on such cues, but he had quickly learned about Lucina's Look, and could recognize that he needed to scale back his alleged condescension immediately). "And what if you meet this woman, and you do not love her?"

Robin frowned. That made no sense. "Why wouldn't I? That's what this list is for." This was his own self-crafted guide that would aid him to find where love must exist. What if he didn't love her? If the woman fit the criteria, then there was no reason that he shouldn't. Whatever he felt for her had to be what real love felt like. He'd discovered a method to the madness, and he felt quite confident that his hypothesis would prove itself to be correct. He was proud of himself! Lucina simply did not understand.

Robin's companion apparently decided to stop pursuing whatever argument she was formulating, so in Robin's mind, he won this round.

"…and therefore, it's physically impossible to have a table held up by the weight on it."

"But if the strings were attached in the center of it at the right angle, the mass being pulled up would push down with the same force-"

"It's impossible; it would collapse one way or the other."

Computers whirred and keys clicked. It was now the 28th time Shulk had drummed his fingers against the desk (and it was beginning to feel like they were drumming an indent straight into Robin's occupied brain and if he thought about it much longer it would begin to drive him up the wall).

"What do you know about physics anyway, you know-it-all? You're a geneticist."

"Yoshi, I don't know if you've noticed this yet, but so are you."

"Well at least I'm still taking a Physics class, and I know that a table can be held up by buckets on top of it!" Yoshi's shoes made a squeaky noise against the floor as he bounced his leg up and down. Shulk's fingers drummed a 29th time.

"Stop talking about tables," Robin cut in. The situation was becoming a bit of a stimulus overload, and he needed to focus on writing this research analysis. "We have tasks to accomplish."

"Right, sorry," relinquished Shulk. He turned back to his section of the analysis as Yoshi yelped apologetically and scrambled to return to his duties. Robin turned back around to channel his focus again, but not before he heard Yoshi hiss, "It's possible."

"Get stuffed," muttered Shulk in response.

Now that it was quiet and a working atmosphere had settled once again over the lab space, Robin could now continue to be distracted by the Wife Project unimpeded. He couldn't help but relay possibilities in his head, ranging from how he would go about initiating this project, to what it would be like if it succeeded, to how it could go in the absolute worst direction possible.

"Shulk," he said abruptly.

"Yes?" the ex-Brit looked up. Robin had to muster his dignity to continue speaking.

"You know things about…women."

Yoshi snorted violently. Robin wondered if he was catching a cold.

"Uh," said Shulk knowledgably, "…what d'you mean by that?"

"You seem to know a lot about women," repeated Robin. "You have had relatively successful and stable relationships in the past."

Shulk rolled his eyes, lounging back in his chair. "That seems to be a matter of opinion."

Perhaps he was referencing Fiora. Robin pushed on anyway. "Perhaps. But I suspect you have more knowledge about these kinds of interactions, and I think I may benefit from some points on it."

Shulk sat up, a huge grin spreading across his face. "You're telling me that you want advice from me…about women?" Robin scowled in response. Shulk raised his eyebrows. "What brought about this fascinating change in interests?"

"I've…thought about some things."

"Oh," said Yoshi, wiggling his eyebrows. "Does that mean you're in love with someone?"

Shulk gasped, half mockingly. "Ooo, who is she? Have you talked to her?"

"No." Must they? "I said no such thing. I am not in love with anyone. And that would suggest that I have some kind of minimal skill with or understanding of women, which unfortunately I do not." It was frustrating, and he always hated to admit when he wasn't knowledgeable about something. But he'd realized as he created the Wife Project that he had little to go off of, and no good experiment got off the ground without research. Of the people he knew, Shulk seemed to have the highest capabilities. "That is why I am asking you about interacting properly with women."

Shulk's mouth was still twitching up, suggesting amusement (which made Robin feel patronized), but he obliged. "Okay, uh…my top bits of advice…well, for you especially, don't overthink it. If you're trying to meet someone, you need to be the most calm version of yourself. That may be a little hard for you." Robin scowled, and Shulk continued: "Be cool and kind and all that, but be sincere. Sure, some women like their men to be lewd and slimy and acting like a bad boy, but the majority of the time that doesn't work out the best. Don't even try to put up an act."

Robin didn't react, mentally taking notes.

"But I know sometimes you can be…er, too sincere."

"It isn't my fault that people are often so offended by truth."

"Well then, as a general rule, if the truth you're going to say suggests that they're doing something in their own life wrong, don't say it. They don't need you to tell them how to live, sometimes even if they ask."

Robin frowned. "Is that not lying by omission?"

"No, it's called being polite. Just comment on other things. Something that interests you both, so that she'll feel, you know, interested. You've just got to be yourself…but not too much."

"That sounds contradictory," Robin informed him shortly.

"Oh yeah, it is, but only for the first few dates. You can start opening up a lot more as things get more serious."

Robin had kind of thought of the whole thing as a matter of dire, deadly seriousness, so this was news to him. News that he was skeptical about, but he had to admit that he was less knowledgeable about this particular subject anyway.

"I see," said Robin. "One should keep more hidden initially to create interest and a thorough acquainting process."

"Yes, something like that. Women tend to enjoy a little mystery."

"Yeah," chimed in Yoshi, wiggling his fingers in a "mystical" way. "They like it when you do mysterious things, like showing up in top hats and flowing elven cloaks. You may want to eat a couple whole onions and perform a disappearing act in the middle of the date, for good measure. Loads of mystery."

Robin thought that sounded extremely bizarre and rather questionable, until Shulk said, "He's only joking, Robin. Shut up, Yoshi."

"Um, excuse me, I know plenty about women," said the college student. "I'll have you know I told a girl I liked her once in fourth grade."

"Yeah? And how'd that turn out?"

"She told me I was ugly and some kid poured his milk on my head."

"You're a master."

"I mean, the lunch lady helped clean me up and told me not to worry because girls are a mystery. She was very nice."

"A wise woman; I can tell her words stick with you to this day."

While he found this conversation intriguing in its own dumb way, Robin wanted to get back on the topic that wasn't about being rejected by women and covered in milk.

"How would I…how would one go about meeting someone?" he asked, feeling annoyed at the apprehension that seeped into his voice. "I think...I fear that-"

"You have struggles with face-to-face interaction," Shulk made it simple. Robin nodded, feeling awkwardness burning in his core. He never dreamed he'd be having a conversation like this, with his flirtatious coworker no less. Discussing his inadequacies was not something he enjoyed and he already half wanted out of the conversation.

"I do not think that I would be successful in any positive interaction with a stranger. Especially one that I find attractive." No point in lying about it. "I also fear that I may be too blunt and say something that one may find offensive."

Shulk closed his eyes with a deep sigh. "I'm reluctant to do this, but I feel like it'll help you a lot with all that anxiety with meeting people, you know, in person."

"Yes?" Did he have a solution?

Shulk held out a hand. "Let me see your phone. It's a smartphone, right?"

Robin nodded, pulling out his phone and handing it to Shulk. He took it and said, "There's a thing you can get on here that eliminates that initial face-to-face phase."

The team leader blinked. Really? On a phone? He thought you had to ask for their number first. "That sounds fascinating."

"Uh-huh." Shulk turned the phone over in his hands. "So Robin…you ever heard of Tinder?"

OK so this story is modern-themed, but I didn't really want to single out any specific time in the modern era. However, I thought of the ending and it amused me too much to not use. So, Robin has created his Wife Project to help his socially inept self find someone 100% compatible to him and his rigid ways, which he is not determined to not let stop him, but find someone who can work with him. Like he said to Lucina, the aim is not to tell anyone what to do, but to help him find The One (TM). Also, Shulk struggles to give his leader some Classy Lady Advice (TM), especially when Yoshi keeps making dumb comments that Robin can't fully understand as jokes. The quote "While he found this conversation intriguing in its own dumb way, Robin wanted to get back on the topic" basically sums up the relationship of the trio as of now. Also, TINDER. We're gonna see how that goes. Now I will ask you a couple things to consider (you can even reply to them in the comments if you want):

Aside from the whole thing about women, is Robin really self-confident? Does he know and trust himself? Also, will the Wife Project work? What is its flaw, or flaws?

Well, I'm impressed you made it this far down the page! Thank you so much for that. Next up, we will see some dating fiascoes, poor Robin. But fear not, because for the next chapter, I believe we are also meeting our leading lady, Rosalina! Thanks again, your face is beautiful, have a wonderful day!