Boundless sunshine and clear blue skies seemed to mock him as he stood on the balcony of his loft with his hands tucked into the pockets of his black dress pants and stared out at the city before him.
There was an enormity to the world in front of him. A scary, endless vastness that stretched out so far it disappeared on the horizon. He clearly remembered a night twenty-six or so years in the past. He had been doing exactly what he was doing now but everything looked so different. And it wasn't because of the times changing around him. He saw things in a completely different way back then. Instead of a scary vastness, he saw an endless playground full of opportunities.
And in a few short hours, she would be walking out into it on her own. Fear gripped him suddenly as all the things he wanted to tell her flooded into his mind. It was too late now to get them all out. The game was over. The finish line was in sight. There was nothing more he could do for her now. Another wave of terror caused a cold sweat to break out over his forehead.
He hadn't done enough. He hadn't prepared her like he should have. He had sheltered her too much and now she wouldn't be able to handle all this vastness on her own. She wouldn't survive all the horrors that awaited her in the real world and it was his fault for not doing more. There was so much she needed to know. So much he still needed to say.
His hands gripped his thighs through the material of his pockets and he felt a sudden rush of tears sting his eyes.
How would he live without her there beside him? How would he manage to get through his days without her cheerful, 'Good morning,' to start him off or her soft peck on his cheek before she said goodnight?
The heart wrenching reality was that he had no idea. But he had to figure it out. There was no other alternative. Keeping her with him would only be holding her back and he'd rather suffer through any form of torture than know he was responsible if she didn't go and become all she could be.
Her destiny lies along a different path. And it's a path I can't follow her down, he thought whimsically to himself. It reminded him vaguely of some line in a Star Wars movie and then the tears were back full force as he remembered carrying her into the theater on his shoulders the first time they saw the movie.
A noise somewhere behind him reminded him that he wasn't alone and he quickly swiped at his face with his hand to remove the tears. He didn't want her to catch him crying over her leaving. The guilt would eat at her if she knew how much this was killing him. That was who she was, so kind and caring. Knowing she was causing him any kind of pain would hurt her in return.
But right then, he also acknowledged the fact that he couldn't look at her. He needed to retreat before she caught him. If she walked up to him and put her arms around his neck at that moment, it would be over. His emotions were just too raw for him to handle a display of affection from her.
He thought about her as he made his way down the hall, searching out the sanctity of his bedroom. Was she going through anything like what he was? Was he doing the right thing by hiding from her when she might need him as much as he needed her?
No, he decided, as he closed the door behind him and rested his back against it. There was more happening for her than just her leaving him. All those opportunities and the playground in front of her had a way of deadening the pain of leaving. He was sure she was bothered by it. He wanted to believe that anyway. It just wasn't going to hit her with near the force it was hitting him.
It had been the same with her prom night and then again soon after when she graduated though not as severe. Now he was faced with the fact that she wouldn't be sleeping in the same place as he was that night. She would be in her new bed, in her new place in the world and he would be nothing more than a mandatory visit home on the holidays and a call a couple of times a week.
His entire reason for existing for the last eighteen years was going to see him as an afterthought. Pictures, letters and phone calls would soon be his only link to her.
His life was ending just as hers was beginning and he wasn't sure he knew how to pick up the pieces and move on without her.
His answer came walking out of the bathroom, covered only in a towel. Her hair was up, help in place by pins, leaving only a few curly tendrils to frame her face. Her skin was still flushed a pleasing rosy color from the warmth of her bath.
She didn't notice him for a moment as she made her way to the closet they had shared for nearly a year now. When she did glance his direction and found him with her eyes, they immediately took on a look he'd seen her use many times over the years. She'd just never used it on him before. It was the compassionate, pitying look she used on the family of the victims she dealt with everyday. He'd always wondered how she managed to make them feel any kind of comfort in the wake of what they were going through. But now he knew. That look could sooth the soul of any man.
"Oh, Rick," she mumbled. Completely abandoning her search for clothing, she came and wrapped her arms around him.
He sagged into her, letting himself slump into her body. She took his weight easily and tightened her hold on him as she guided him over to the bed. He refused to let her move away from him so she conceded and crawled into his lap once he was sitting down.
"You told me last night you were okay," she said softly as she stroked his hair. It wasn't an accusatory tone. It was almost mournful.
"I thought I was," he answered while trying to hide the choked sob welling up in his chest. "But it just gets harder every time a new suitcase appears at the bottom of the stairs."
Her lips brushed his cheeks, taking some of the wetness from them. "You are going to get through this. You can't let her see you like this."
He nodded but refused to answer. She was absolutely right. He needed to be strong for Alexis. He could do that. He'd done it before. It just hadn't ever been this hard before.
"How is she?" he asked, knowing Kate had only recently come down the stairs to take a bath. She'd been in Alexis' room all morning helping her finish packing.
"You haven't seen her?" She pulled back to look at him.
He looked away from her and shook his head. "I've heard her moving around up there all day. I just haven't been able to bring myself to go up there."
She grabbed his chin and jerked his face back to hers. "You have to go talk to her before she leaves, Rick."
"How am I supposed to do that and not let her see me like this at the same time?" he demanded with just a touch of anger, not at her but at the situation in general.
She took a deep breath and kissed him. "You'll paint on that smile that is never far away and you'll stroll up those stairs and ask her if she needs any help."
He hesitated. She almost made it sound easy. "But it isn't just seeing her. It's seeing that room. It's going to look so empty."
She nodded sadly. "Yes, it does."
"Everything that made this place so alive and cheerful is going to walk out that door in a few hours," he replied around the lump in his throat.
"I know," she told him. "But you have to let her go. Keeping her here would be selfish. She has to go out and share all that cheer with the world now."
"She isn't ready. The world is going to eat her alive," he argued, even though he knew it was a lie.
"She is ready. She's as ready as she can be. You've taught her everything she needs to know to survive. I wish I was as prepared when I left home as she is. She's going to be fine." Kate assured him with complete confidence that she was right.
She removed herself from his lap and held out her hand to him when she got to her feet. He took it and allowed her to pull him up. "Go, talk to your daughter. And don't be too dramatic. She's holding up, but if you break down, so will she." She returned to the closet to search out something to wear. "I promise tonight, when this is over, we'll do something special to take your mind off of it. And if you still feel like you need to break down, you can do it then."
He took the two steps that closed the space between them and wrapped her up in his arms. Then he kissed her. "Thank you," he whispered against her lips.
"For what?" she asked.
"For being here. For getting me through this. All of it."
"Where else would I be?" she shrugged as if it were no big deal, but it was and they both knew it.
"I love you. Have I said that yet today?"
She smiled and kissed him again. "Only once this morning when we first got up, so I think it was due. I love you, too. Now go."
She gave him a little shove and he let her, but he paused at the door long enough to take a deep breath and square his shoulders.
The entire walk up the stairs was taken up by him determinedly strengthening his resolve. He had to stop outside the door to muster the smile Kate had told him to wear. That was when the thought hit him and he retreated back down the stairs quickly before she spotted him. He really wanted to get this right. He couldn't afford to lose out one what would be one of his last father/daughter moments with her. He needed some help with this.
"Hey sweetheart," he gushed, a few minutes later, as he blew in through the open door. "Do you need any help?"
He did his best to divert his attention from the stark, bare walls that had, only the day before, been decorated with her pictures and posters and other sentimental mementos. She was a pack rat when it came to things like that. It was something she got from him.
"I'm pretty much done, actually," she smiled back at him from where she was sitting perched on her bed.
"Well then," He moved over to the intercom display right inside her door, cued up the CD player in the living room and turned up the volume. "Surely, you won't mind indulging your old man in one last dance before jetting off a million miles away to the other side of the country."
She tilted her head as her smile widened and took his offered hand.
Once on her feet, she slipped off her shoes and stepped onto the tops of his feet. It was the only way they ever danced together. Then she rested her head on his shoulder and let him move them along to the rhythm of the song he'd selected.
He had done that with great care and she seemed to understand that and said nothing as she laid against his chest and listened to the words.
Now that I've lost everything to you,
You say you want to start something new,
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving;
Baby, I'm grieving.
But if you want to leave, take good care,
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear,
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there;
Oh Baby, Baby, it's a wild world,
It's hard to get by just upon a smile;
Oh Baby, Baby, it's a wild world,
I'll always remember you like a child, Girl;
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do,
And it's breaking my heart in two,
Cause I never want to see you sad, Girl,
Don't be a bad girl.
But if you want to leave take good care,
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware;
Oh Baby, Baby, it's a wild world,
It's hard to get to by just upon a smile;
Oh, Baby, Baby, its a wild world,
And I'll always remember you like a child, Girl.
Baby, I love you
But if you want to leave take good care,
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there;
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware;
She shifted in his arms and turned her face up towards his. "I know, Dad. I'll be careful."
A few hours later, he turned his key in the lock and walked into his loft with his head down, eyes focused on his feet and his spirits feeling about as low as he'd ever felt.
Gone, the word repeated itself over and over in his mind.
The ride home from the airport, where he left his child to start her new life without him, was the longest, loneliest ones of his life. He couldn't remember ever actually feeling his heart breaking like it was in that moment.
His mother and Kate had stayed at the loft while Rick took Alexis to the airport, giving them a chance to say there proper goodbyes alone. It was a nice gesture and he appreciated it. But he really wished Kate had been with him on the way home.
"He's here," Martha's voice suddenly burst from the direction of the kitchen.
And a few minutes later, Kate was standing in the hall that lead to their bedroom. He almost missed the clingy, light pink nightie and matching robe she was wearing, almost but not quite.
He almost missed them because she was holding something behind her back. Something that seemed to be struggling in her arms.
"Kate?" he questioned taking a step towards her.
"A while ago, you mentioned leveling the playing field around here. Well, I decided it wasn't a bad idea." She withdrew her arm from behind her.
And there was suddenly a black and white spotted puppy wiggling in her arms. It raised it's face to hers and began to lick in earnest as she struggled to keep it away.
Finally, she handed the armful of energy off to him and stepped back. "His name is Baxter. Your mother got him from the shelter today. They tell us he's not going to be very big and he's already housebroken."
He laughed as he tightened his hold on the bustling puppy. "Kate, you don't know much about dogs, do you?"
"No, not really," she shrugged. "I mean, I know you have to feed them and walk them."
"This is a Dalmatian puppy,"
"What does that mean?" She looked confused.
"It means that this puppy is going to grow into a very big dog," he explained around trying to dodge a tongue that was darting at his face.
She looked honestly stricken for a moment. "We can take it back. I just thought it might help, you know."
He looked down into the face that was looking at up him with large brown eyes. One of his many black spots made a perfect circle around his left eye. "Oh no," he informed her. "It's too late now. You can't take him back."
Once he finally settled the rambunctious ball of excitement in the bathroom with a blanket to sleep on and food and water, he came back to the bedroom and slid into bed beside her.
Then he looked at her and shook his head ruefully. "I can't believe you got me a puppy."
"But you like him, right? I did good?" she asked uncharacteristically uncertain.
"I've been talking about getting a dog for a while now. And he's perfect," he smiled to let her know he was pleased.
She touched his cheek tenderly. "I really hope it helps. I know how hard today was."
He threw himself back against the headboard and ran his hand through his hair. "Hell, not just today, it's been for the last week. The torture just dragged on and on."
She came to him and curled into his side. "Is there anything I can do? Can I make you a drink?"
He shook his head and pulled her in tighter. "Nope, just lay there right like that," he looked down at her. "And tell me she's going to be okay. Tell me I have nothing to worry about and that she isn't out there all on her own."
She raised her head and smiled up at him. "She's going to be okay. She's strong and smart and careful. You raised a good girl, Rick. She's going to do fine. And I wish I could tell you that you have nothing to worry about, but we both know that isn't true. I can't make that go away. But she isn't all alone. Ashley is meeting her at the airport and Meredith isn't far at all."
He gave her a weary smile. "That, in no way, makes me feel better."
"You gave her the best armor you could give her." He looked at her doubtfully. "She has a strong set of values and some solid morals. You can't ask for more than that and I doubt that being close to her mother will change that."
"Now who always knows the perfect thing to say?" he muttered against her temple before kissing her.
"I do try," she chuckled quietly.
They sat there for a few drawn out minutes before he finally shifted. "I thought you mentioned doing something special tonight to take my mind off everything."
"Did I?" she asked coyly.
"Oh yes ma'am, you did and I intend to hold you to it. I'm feeling especially needy tonight," he assured her.
She raised up and wrapped her arms around his shoulder before straddling his lap. "I suppose you're right. I do vaguely recall making that statement."
He pulled her to him and kissed her, intent on making sure she lived up to her promise.
It was hours later, in the complete darkness of the night as he lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, totally unable to sleep, that it really hit him.
As if she could sense the turmoil in him, Kate woke suddenly, sat up beside him and reached out a hand to touch his stomach. "Are you okay?" she asked.
"No," he choked out, shakily.
And in the next instant she was there, surrounding him, holding him as he let the grief he was feeling overtake him. She smoothed his hair and whispered things softly into his ear as he tried to come to terms with what he'd lost that day.
It seemed to take forever, but he finally drifted off to sleep with her arms still around him and her voice softly telling him it was going to be alright.