Guess who has the shitiest luck in the world.

I was done with writing all the chapters and I was pumped and then my computer fucking died. So simce the end of March, I had to try and force my dad to go get it fixed so I could get my stuff off. But guess whose laptop is still not fixed. I would've started writing sooner, but my home instructor decided to suddenly pay attention to me at the beginning of April, so I was given a metric shitonne of work to do, but now I have time. So! I have to rewrite every chapter. I just finished this one and thought I'd post it because I'm so sorry.

Chapter... 4? I think?: How to Make Small Talk

"... And his hair was orange for a month and a half! Birdie, you don't know weird until one of your best friends becomes a long haired Weasley overnight," Julchen began to snicker, as if just remembering it was too much, "Gotta give it to Gwenie, that was probably best prank on Franny ever."

Matthew tried to stifle his laughter for Francis' sake, he really did, but Julchen had a way of telling stories that made them exponentially more funny (even if she did almost hit him a few times with her exuberant hand gestures).

Guinevere's scowl deepened, "If you hadn't just complimented me, then I would've yelled at you for calling me 'Gwenie'. I don't know if I'd call it the best prank on the Frog though, the debagging one in 2011 was pretty good."

Julchen nodded excitedly, but before she could launch into another spiel, Francis clapped a hand over her mouth. A while ago, Francis had reclaimed his spot on the couch, pushing Julchen back into the middle and Matthew over to the side. Francis seemed to value his space though, because he had pushed Julchen over enough that her and Matthew's arms were touching and when Julchen put her right hand down, she almost did so over Matthew's left. Needless to say, his blush was pretty much a permanent feature at this point.

"I think that we should stop embarrassing me," Francis pointed a weak glare at Julchen, who pretended not to notice, "And talk more about Jules' petit ami~"

Matthew smiled awkwardly even though the way Francis purred out his last sentence made his skin crawl. Before he reply, Julchen narrowed her eyes at Francis, "Zurück aus, Frenchy."

"Tsk, when you bring such a garçon mignon, I have to at least try, chéri."

Mignon. Francis had called him cute. Matthew blushed to his toes, vehemently shaking his head as he denied it, "Non, non, je ne suis pas mignon, vraiment!"

"Oh lord," Guinevere muttered, "He speaks Frog too."

Francis furrowed his brow, "Quoi? Your accent is thick. Vous êtes Français?"

"... Canadienne. Ma meré est du Québec," Matthew clarified, speaking slowly. He knew that his accent would be hard to understand for anyone who didn't grow up speaking québécois, especially someone who was apparently raised on français proper. Not that he had a problem with French speakers who were actually from France, unlike his mother, who tended to call them a variety of things that would go against the Canadian stereotype of politeness.

"Oh, Quebec. What a shame." Francis clicked his tongue in the way that all European French speakers did when he said his mother was from Quebec, and Matthew felt a surge of nationalism, even if he had lived most of his life in the states.

"Quel dommage que tu parles en trou de cul de poule," Matthew muttered quickly, having faith that his quiet voice and thick accent would conceal the insult.

"What?"

Matthew cocked his head slightly to the left, the picture of innocence, "What?"

Julchen snickered quietly, and Matthew almost broke the charade to smile because she obviously knew; she did have several classes with him, she had seen this act before. Luckily, before Matthew could mess up his act or Francis could ask any questions, the screech of a chair being pulled across the ground startled them all.

Lovino, who had just plopped down in said chair, Antonio following after him (and looking much more upset than he had when he left), reddened when they all stared at him. "What? Can't a guy rejoin the annoying group that he left and not be stared at like a fucking alien?"

"I wouldn't exactly say he was like an alien, maybe something from further down," Antonio, who had sat down much more quietly, grumbled and received an elbow to the stomach for his troubles.

"Ah, amor in iuventute," Guinevere smirked as she spoke in whatever language that was, and a quick look around the circle told Matthew that no one but Lovino actually understood her. "Et decorus."

"Me a iuventute mea, et non custodierit anulum! I mean really, it's like a cliche romance novel," Lovino snarled back

"Please," Guinevere rolled her eyes, "As if your life isn't something straight out of one of Sakura's animus."

"They're animes, you idiot."

"The fact that you know that proves my point."

"Well!" Matthew turned and got a face full of Julchen's hair, which had previously been pressed against the couch. "Not that listening to you two arguing in some language that is definitely not English or German isn't fun, but I think I'm gonna go get some air."

Matthew watched her go until someone kicked his shin. He swallowed down the yelp and looked up to see Lovino intensely glaring at him. Oh. He was supposed to go with her. "H-hey, Jules, wait up! I'll come with you."

Julchen slowed down so he could catch up, which took some time with his throbbing knee. Tabernak, he thought, Lovino kicks hard. Is it too late to rethink this matchmaking thing?

He didn't have much time to ponder that because they literally ran into Lovino's sister, Alice.

"Oh! Ve, hi Julie!" Matthew was slightly off-put that he wasn't even acknowledged, but put it down to the fact that Alice spent most of the ride bickering with her brother, not paying attention to a stranger.

Julchen did a rather complicated-looking handshake with Alice, then grinned, "Where's my baby sister? Isn't she supposed to be watching over her cute little Italien?"

"Oh Julie, I'm not her Italian," Alice replied and it was weird to hear a phrase that sounded like something Lovino would say with irritation come out, in a voice so similar to his, incredibly wistfully. "And she went to go get us drink, ve, since it's really hard to figure out which ones Lars spiked, you know? Oh, but I didn't mean to distract you from your date, I can't believe you didn't introduce us!" Alice set her most innocent smile on her face, managing to look like an angel and a disappointed parent at the same time, "Ve, how inconsiderate of you; he seems like such a nice boy."

There was a awkward pause, and Matthew was absolutely positive of three things: First, Alice Vargas knew about her brothers mission and, judging by the green, white, and red rhinestoned phone in her hand, Lovino had recently asked her to help; secondly, Alice was definitely not as airheaded as she liked to seem, and was probably much closer to Alfred in that matter - using her dumb persona to get what she wanted; and finally, that Matthew didn't know whether to feel relieved or terrified by those facts, and was pretty sure that he'd be okay either way.

When Julchen stopped being shocked, she tried to laugh it off. "Kesesese, we're not, I mean, this is just Birdie."

Alice brightened considerably, a gleam of excitement flashing through her eyes, and Matthew decided that yes, Alice being a manipulative mastermind was definitely a terrifying thing. "Ah, so this is the Birdie that Moni says you're always-"

"OH LOOK, IT'S LOTTE AND HER CREEPY ARCHER BOYFRIEND," Julchen yelled over Alice and pulled Matthew away just in time to see Alice wink and give him a thumbs up, "LET'S GO SAY HI!"

Once they were a safe distance away from the Italian girl, Julchen sighed. "Gott, I love Ali like a sister, but the girl will talk your ear off if you let her," she took a moment to rub a hand down her face, "And she always says the most embarrassing things. If she wasn't such a sweetheart the rest of the time, I'd say she was doing it on purpose."

So Julchen didn't see what he did. He wondered how many people saw that side of Alice. "Well, it wasn't that bad..." And he trails off not because he doesn't know what to say, but because Julchen had grabbed his hand to drag him away and she still hadn't let go and his face was burning and her hand fit so well with his and-

"Eek!" Julchen squeals and lets go of his hand like its a burning coal, "Sorry about that Birdie, ha ha, guess I forgot."

"Ha. No problem."

They settled into silence, still walking close enough that they could hold hands, and Matthew's itched to reach out. Dieu. This is going to be a long party

Don't worry, mio belli litore, the party only lasts until next chapter. It was supposed to end this one, and I'm p sure it did in the original chapter 4, but oh fucking well, I wanted to put a lot of unnecessary French in this chapter.

I think all the French is explained, so I'm not going to translate it, but Gwenie and Lovi are speaking Latin because I like the headcanon that Iggy and Romano can both still speak Latin and stole it for this fic. They basically say "Oh, young love, how beautiful." and "I'm not the one who still has a ring that they got when they were 6." The second translation is p much into modern english, because I think the Latin means, literally "I have not a ring from my youth still" and that's cray. By the way, the ring thing is a FrUk plot point, since FrUk has dominated the vote.

AH WAIT THE LAST THING THAT MATT SAYS TO FRAN IS "IT'S A SHAME YOU SPEAK OUT THE ASS OF A CHICKEN" AND THAT'S A QUEBECOIS INSULT THAT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE A PARISIAN ACCENT AND I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

Once again, sorry, and I hope to have the next chapter out by next week!