What Could Have Been
Chapter 3
Disclaimer: Not mine
Thanks to everyone for reviewing. It's so great to know that people are actually enjoying something you wrote.
I would just like to warn everyone. This chapter is very heavy on the angst and very light on the comedy. It sets up Jackie's perspective and gives you an idea of the changing she's done throughtout the years. There's also several hints about future happenings...if you can find them. ;)
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"I'm so gonna kick Hyde's ass," muttered Donna as she stormed out the door in pursuit of Jackie.
After arguing with the server at the Hub over what was supposed to be a plain burger, she'd fought her way back through the crowd just in time to see Jackie fall into Hyde. Donna had noticed Pam Macy right away, though, because she wasn't being distracted by a pair of blue eyes. Tossing the food on the nearest table, she'd tried to hurry over to interrupt what she knew was going to be heartbreak for Jackie. Donna had arrived too late though, as Jackie flew by her out the door. Throwing her dirtiest look at Hyde, she'd dashed out the door to find no sign off Jackie.
So now she was standing outside the Hub debating on the first place Jackie would run too. Turning to head toward Jackie's house, Donna heard a high pitched noise coming from the alley beside the Hub.
Peering around the corner, she saw Jackie propped up against the wall. Sighing with relief at not having to comb the neighborhood, Donna approached her friend. "There you are Jackie. I thought I was going to..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed that Jackie was crying.
Donna had seen Jackie cry a million times. She'd seen Jackie cry when Michael cheated on her. She'd seen Jackie cry when her Dad cut off her allowance. She'd seen Jackie cry when her new clogs got dirty. Jackie crying was not out of the ordinary.
Watching her now though, Donna had never seen Jackie cry quite like this. Her breath was coming in strangled gasps, and her face convulsed each time as if breathing hurt. Her mascara was smeared all over her face as huge tear drops cascaded down her cheeks spilling onto her blouse. Her body was visibly shaking from head to toe, and her knees buckled sending her sliding down to the ground.
Donna walked slowly over to her friend and sat down next to her. Not knowing what to say, Donna reached out her arm to lightly rub Jackie's back. This didn't appear to help though as her crying only seemed to become harder and more desperate.
After a few moments, Jackie grabbed her mouth with her hand and dashed to a nearby trashcan. Donna flinched at the retching sounds that came from her friend. She'd never seen Jackie this upset. She had no idea how to help.
When Jackie was finished throwing up, she placed the lid on the trashcan and leaned against it. She had used up all her tears and with that, all her energy. She was absolutely spent.
Slowly she turned around to face Donna. Her face was pale and tired, and her eyes were dead. After a few moments of staring at the silent Donna, Jackie surveyed the area around them. It was only then that she spoke, in a distant and detached manner that Donna had never heard from Jackie. Her voice was devoid of any emotion at all.
"This is where I told Steven I loved him for the first time. I was so young and naive back then. I thought that because he took the blame for the pot that he loved me and was just too embarrassed to admit it. I was sure that he didn't feel worthy of me, and that saving me was the only thing he could do to prove himself. I was wrong though. That was just Steven being Steven. I still to this day don't know why he did it. Guilt? Boredom? I don't know, and I probably won't ever find out."
As Jackie paused in her story, Donna wondered where Jackie was going with this. After all, she'd heard this tale lots of times. Jackie had regaled her with Steven's heroics numerous times back then and several times ever since. She wanted to ask Jackie what was going on, but something silenced her. Something told her to let Jackie tell her story in her own time.
As she expected, Jackie continued. "So here I was full of ideas of love and heroism, and I just blurted out that I loved him. It just seemed like the right thing to do you know. A guy saves you from jail, and you're supposed to tell him that you love him. It's how it works in all the movies. Of course in the movies the guy doesn't tell you to shut up which is exactly what Steven did. It didn't bother me though because I knew deep down he loved me too, but just couldn't admit it."
At this point Jackie turned back to face Donna and for the first time addressed her.
"Do you remember when you always wondered how I could chase after Steven when he kept making fun of me or telling me to get lost? How I didn't get hurt after each one of rejections? How I could keep coming back for more?"
Donna nodded slightly in what she hoped was an encouraging matter. She prayed Jackie didn't expect a response because she didn't have one.
Luckily she didn't need one because Jackie seemed satisfied with a mere nod and continued
"Well that's because I didn't get hurt, in fact I didn't feel anything. The truth is that it was all a game of pretend. I pretended I was in love with him. I convinced myself that we destined lovers who just had these obstacles to overcome. Who knows why? Maybe I wanted something pretend after the disaster with Michael. Maybe I wanted a bit of adventure. Maybe I wanted to be more aloof and Zen like Steven."
Sighing, Jackie walked over to where Donna was sitting and slide down the wall to sit next to her. Her face still wore the mask it had from the beginning of the story, and her voice still remained detached.
"So we played out the pretend fantasy for awhile. It was fun you know. There was no risk or worry about being hurt. I guess it was on Veteran's Day when the fantasy ended. The game was over, and I went back to my normal reality. Back to Michael. Then something happened that I never expected in a million years. Pretend became Real."
It was on that last word, that Jackie's voice broke for the first time in her story. All the emotion she'd been containing seeped out in that one word. From then on, Jackie's voice was full of passion and anguish.
"I never expected or wanted to fall for Steven. Our romance truly started out as just a fling. Something to do during the long summer days when nobody else was around. But it became so much more. I don't know when it happened or how long it took, but I remember when I first realized it. We were all enduring Mrs. Foreman's pathetic excuse for a dinner party, and all the guys walked out on us. I was so angry with Steven for ditching me, but at the same time I still was bursting to talk to him and be him. I realized that I'd fallen in love with Steven."
Donna's eyebrows shot up at that last comment. Jackie was in love with Hyde? Jackie had never said anything to her about it, and Jackie was not a girl to hold in her emotions about boys. Of course Jackie had been doing a lot of things lately that Donna didn't expect. This whole day could be added to that list.
"I knew then that I loved him, and not the kind of love I thought I felt a couple of years ago. This wasn't pretend. This was real. And that scared the shit out of me. If I really loved him this time, than it would hurt like hell when he pushed me away or made fun of me. So I didn't say anything. Not to him or you or anybody. It was my own little secret."
"Jackie I can't believe you actually kept that to yourself. You've never been one to hide from love. You were always telling Michael that you loved him." Donna pointed out.
Jackie raised her eyebrow skeptically. "And look where that got me. Half heartedly engaged to a guy who ran away to California just so he wouldn't have to face me," Jackie snorted. "Besides my Dad had just gone to jail, and my Mom was MIA. I just didn't want to risk another person bailing, and I figured if Steven knew how I felt he'd jump ship."
Donna shook her head vehemently. "No, Jackie he wouldn't do that. Look you just have to go and tell him how you feel. If he knew that you loved him than he'd probably want to get back together. I mean this whole thing starting because of his doubt over your feelings for Kelso. So let's go find him and tell..."
"Donna," Jackie interrupted. "He already knows."
"What? How if you didn't.."
"I did. I told him the night of the Valentine's Day dance. I thought he was spooked because he assumed I still had feelings for Michael, and I figured that if he knew how I truly felt than he'd be okay. That we'd be okay."
"So what did he say," Donna hesitantly questioned.
Tears started to form in Jackie's eyes, and this time is was she who reached out toward Donna. Enveloped in a hug from her best friend, she repeated the words that had broken her heart. "That it was a real waste."
The tears fell, and Jackie started crying again. This time is was softer more mournful than last time. Jackie pulled away and roughly brushed at her cheeks. "So you see Donna it's the same as last time. The same results from when I told Steven I loved him in this very alley. 'Shut up' and 'real waste', they mean the same thing. It just pretend. Except this time, he was the one pretending."
Descending into tears again, Jackie clutched at Donna. There was nothing left to say. Nothing Donna could say would help heal her best friend. So on the cold ground of the alley, Donna rocked her friend back and forth soothingly with one thought coursing through her mind.
"I'm so gonna kick Hyde's ass."
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Okay I know I said that Hyde would be in this chapter, and he originally was. But the chapter was far too long so I decided to split it up into two. So Hyde will positively be in the next chapter which is pretty much done. Look for it later on tonight!!!
As always, if you like please review, and if you didn't please review. :)
Chapter 3
Disclaimer: Not mine
Thanks to everyone for reviewing. It's so great to know that people are actually enjoying something you wrote.
I would just like to warn everyone. This chapter is very heavy on the angst and very light on the comedy. It sets up Jackie's perspective and gives you an idea of the changing she's done throughtout the years. There's also several hints about future happenings...if you can find them. ;)
****************************************************************
"I'm so gonna kick Hyde's ass," muttered Donna as she stormed out the door in pursuit of Jackie.
After arguing with the server at the Hub over what was supposed to be a plain burger, she'd fought her way back through the crowd just in time to see Jackie fall into Hyde. Donna had noticed Pam Macy right away, though, because she wasn't being distracted by a pair of blue eyes. Tossing the food on the nearest table, she'd tried to hurry over to interrupt what she knew was going to be heartbreak for Jackie. Donna had arrived too late though, as Jackie flew by her out the door. Throwing her dirtiest look at Hyde, she'd dashed out the door to find no sign off Jackie.
So now she was standing outside the Hub debating on the first place Jackie would run too. Turning to head toward Jackie's house, Donna heard a high pitched noise coming from the alley beside the Hub.
Peering around the corner, she saw Jackie propped up against the wall. Sighing with relief at not having to comb the neighborhood, Donna approached her friend. "There you are Jackie. I thought I was going to..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed that Jackie was crying.
Donna had seen Jackie cry a million times. She'd seen Jackie cry when Michael cheated on her. She'd seen Jackie cry when her Dad cut off her allowance. She'd seen Jackie cry when her new clogs got dirty. Jackie crying was not out of the ordinary.
Watching her now though, Donna had never seen Jackie cry quite like this. Her breath was coming in strangled gasps, and her face convulsed each time as if breathing hurt. Her mascara was smeared all over her face as huge tear drops cascaded down her cheeks spilling onto her blouse. Her body was visibly shaking from head to toe, and her knees buckled sending her sliding down to the ground.
Donna walked slowly over to her friend and sat down next to her. Not knowing what to say, Donna reached out her arm to lightly rub Jackie's back. This didn't appear to help though as her crying only seemed to become harder and more desperate.
After a few moments, Jackie grabbed her mouth with her hand and dashed to a nearby trashcan. Donna flinched at the retching sounds that came from her friend. She'd never seen Jackie this upset. She had no idea how to help.
When Jackie was finished throwing up, she placed the lid on the trashcan and leaned against it. She had used up all her tears and with that, all her energy. She was absolutely spent.
Slowly she turned around to face Donna. Her face was pale and tired, and her eyes were dead. After a few moments of staring at the silent Donna, Jackie surveyed the area around them. It was only then that she spoke, in a distant and detached manner that Donna had never heard from Jackie. Her voice was devoid of any emotion at all.
"This is where I told Steven I loved him for the first time. I was so young and naive back then. I thought that because he took the blame for the pot that he loved me and was just too embarrassed to admit it. I was sure that he didn't feel worthy of me, and that saving me was the only thing he could do to prove himself. I was wrong though. That was just Steven being Steven. I still to this day don't know why he did it. Guilt? Boredom? I don't know, and I probably won't ever find out."
As Jackie paused in her story, Donna wondered where Jackie was going with this. After all, she'd heard this tale lots of times. Jackie had regaled her with Steven's heroics numerous times back then and several times ever since. She wanted to ask Jackie what was going on, but something silenced her. Something told her to let Jackie tell her story in her own time.
As she expected, Jackie continued. "So here I was full of ideas of love and heroism, and I just blurted out that I loved him. It just seemed like the right thing to do you know. A guy saves you from jail, and you're supposed to tell him that you love him. It's how it works in all the movies. Of course in the movies the guy doesn't tell you to shut up which is exactly what Steven did. It didn't bother me though because I knew deep down he loved me too, but just couldn't admit it."
At this point Jackie turned back to face Donna and for the first time addressed her.
"Do you remember when you always wondered how I could chase after Steven when he kept making fun of me or telling me to get lost? How I didn't get hurt after each one of rejections? How I could keep coming back for more?"
Donna nodded slightly in what she hoped was an encouraging matter. She prayed Jackie didn't expect a response because she didn't have one.
Luckily she didn't need one because Jackie seemed satisfied with a mere nod and continued
"Well that's because I didn't get hurt, in fact I didn't feel anything. The truth is that it was all a game of pretend. I pretended I was in love with him. I convinced myself that we destined lovers who just had these obstacles to overcome. Who knows why? Maybe I wanted something pretend after the disaster with Michael. Maybe I wanted a bit of adventure. Maybe I wanted to be more aloof and Zen like Steven."
Sighing, Jackie walked over to where Donna was sitting and slide down the wall to sit next to her. Her face still wore the mask it had from the beginning of the story, and her voice still remained detached.
"So we played out the pretend fantasy for awhile. It was fun you know. There was no risk or worry about being hurt. I guess it was on Veteran's Day when the fantasy ended. The game was over, and I went back to my normal reality. Back to Michael. Then something happened that I never expected in a million years. Pretend became Real."
It was on that last word, that Jackie's voice broke for the first time in her story. All the emotion she'd been containing seeped out in that one word. From then on, Jackie's voice was full of passion and anguish.
"I never expected or wanted to fall for Steven. Our romance truly started out as just a fling. Something to do during the long summer days when nobody else was around. But it became so much more. I don't know when it happened or how long it took, but I remember when I first realized it. We were all enduring Mrs. Foreman's pathetic excuse for a dinner party, and all the guys walked out on us. I was so angry with Steven for ditching me, but at the same time I still was bursting to talk to him and be him. I realized that I'd fallen in love with Steven."
Donna's eyebrows shot up at that last comment. Jackie was in love with Hyde? Jackie had never said anything to her about it, and Jackie was not a girl to hold in her emotions about boys. Of course Jackie had been doing a lot of things lately that Donna didn't expect. This whole day could be added to that list.
"I knew then that I loved him, and not the kind of love I thought I felt a couple of years ago. This wasn't pretend. This was real. And that scared the shit out of me. If I really loved him this time, than it would hurt like hell when he pushed me away or made fun of me. So I didn't say anything. Not to him or you or anybody. It was my own little secret."
"Jackie I can't believe you actually kept that to yourself. You've never been one to hide from love. You were always telling Michael that you loved him." Donna pointed out.
Jackie raised her eyebrow skeptically. "And look where that got me. Half heartedly engaged to a guy who ran away to California just so he wouldn't have to face me," Jackie snorted. "Besides my Dad had just gone to jail, and my Mom was MIA. I just didn't want to risk another person bailing, and I figured if Steven knew how I felt he'd jump ship."
Donna shook her head vehemently. "No, Jackie he wouldn't do that. Look you just have to go and tell him how you feel. If he knew that you loved him than he'd probably want to get back together. I mean this whole thing starting because of his doubt over your feelings for Kelso. So let's go find him and tell..."
"Donna," Jackie interrupted. "He already knows."
"What? How if you didn't.."
"I did. I told him the night of the Valentine's Day dance. I thought he was spooked because he assumed I still had feelings for Michael, and I figured that if he knew how I truly felt than he'd be okay. That we'd be okay."
"So what did he say," Donna hesitantly questioned.
Tears started to form in Jackie's eyes, and this time is was she who reached out toward Donna. Enveloped in a hug from her best friend, she repeated the words that had broken her heart. "That it was a real waste."
The tears fell, and Jackie started crying again. This time is was softer more mournful than last time. Jackie pulled away and roughly brushed at her cheeks. "So you see Donna it's the same as last time. The same results from when I told Steven I loved him in this very alley. 'Shut up' and 'real waste', they mean the same thing. It just pretend. Except this time, he was the one pretending."
Descending into tears again, Jackie clutched at Donna. There was nothing left to say. Nothing Donna could say would help heal her best friend. So on the cold ground of the alley, Donna rocked her friend back and forth soothingly with one thought coursing through her mind.
"I'm so gonna kick Hyde's ass."
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Okay I know I said that Hyde would be in this chapter, and he originally was. But the chapter was far too long so I decided to split it up into two. So Hyde will positively be in the next chapter which is pretty much done. Look for it later on tonight!!!
As always, if you like please review, and if you didn't please review. :)