This is the life we've chosen
Can't get away from the robes you're clothed in

You've said enough now to be safe
You've seen these lines form across your face
Clutch to youth for your namesake
Caught like a dreamer

The Fall - David's Lyre

x

Annie trudged from the supply shed, through the increasing darkness, towards the dining hall. Her arms were stacked with replacement canisters for the oil lanterns. Annie nudged the door open with one foot and shimmy inside the dining hall. Thankfully, the hall was empty and the lights were still on. The last thing Annie wanted to deal with was people. Whenever she went this long without a decent night of sleep, she tended to get snappy.

Am I really obliged to give an explanation or apology if I hurt someone's feelings? No, of course not. Annie thought snidely, setting the canisters down on the nearest table. I'm more like a splinter no one could manage to get out.

She walked over to one of the hanging lanterns and with the help of a chair, she unhooked it easily from the wall. Annie took a deep breath, steadying herself, then began carrying it back to the table, where she could replace the burned out canister. Annie blinked harshly a few times to wake herself up and walked forward. The lantern slipped from her grasp, landing on its side and smashing one of the panels of glass.

Annie stared down at the shards in disbelief. I dropped that? Annie followed the spilled glass with her eyes. It almost looked like the mess exploded from her feet, like some sort of sick metaphor. She laughed darkly and stepped forward, kicking at the metal frame of the lantern, sending it hurtling across the room. With the rickety metal gone, Annie just seethed down at the glass surrounding her.

"Why is this happening?" She whispered aloud, sinking to her knees. Where was her control? She needed to keep control if she wanted to survive. She could feel it slipping from her grasp, just like that lantern.

Annie saw her pale reflection in the network of glass. Her eyes were sunken and dark, her skin was pale. Annie brushed her bangs back and picked up one of the pieces. The tight movement caused a sharp pain in her ribs, making her wince. She hadn't... healed yet. Annie froze.

Earlier that day, she'd reacted too slowly in her maneuver gear and her grapple had missed its mark. She'd tumbled from the sky and slammed into one of the lower tree trunks, falling to the ground with a gasp. She'd laid there on her back, unable to breathe past the shock and blunt pain. Her eyes had trailed up to the empty treeline, the empty sky. Everything was empty.

Her ribs had been bruised pretty badly and to Annie's dismay, she was dismissed from the rest of training. That's when she decided to go ahead and do her chores before the others returned. Shadis had told her to get some sleep with her time off, but Annie didn't care about sleep, she just wanted to keep going. She didn't know how to say she was afraid, afraid of what might happen if she were still for too long.

There had been a moment on the ground, when Annie had been deliriously watching the sky, that the pain had cleared her head and she'd felt in control again. Although, at the time, she could barely move. She needed to recreate that situation somehow, those few seconds.

Annie turned the glass over in her hand until the sharpest side was away from her palm. She rolled up her left sleeve and stared down at her skin. I can heal myself immediately after, Annie assured herself. It'll be like nothing happened.

Annie dragged the shard across her skin, curling her lip. Her skin parted effortlessly in thin, barely visible lines, like tearing wet paper. The blood didn't come for a long time. Annie watched the crimson bead and drip from her arm, like heavy dew drops. As soon as she felt that release, she healed her skin. The steam wafted up and all that was left was her blood. Annie stared at that a bit longer, before finally standing and wiping the mess up with a rag.

Moments later the door opened and Ymir sauntered in, looking bored. Annie jumped in surprise.

"We just got back," Ymir informed Annie, inspecting her fingernails. "Christa was wondering if you'd like her to sit with you until you fall asleep, like the other night." She sounded quite bored, as usual.

Annie looked down at the skin on her arm. "Yes... If she's willing."

Ymir's gaze lifted and they made eye contact. Annie knew it was odd for her to accept help and most likely unwise. "What?" Annie snapped defensively. Her ribs hurt, her head hurt and she just wanted to sleep for more than an hour. She didn't want to think about what she'd just done, or how much she'd liked it.

Ymir shrugged, holding her hands up defensivly. "Chill. Christa is in the cabin."

Annie nodded tightly and sighed. "Thanks."

Something about Ymir's eyes felt utterly disarming. Annie quickly looked away and shouldered past Ymir, too exhausted to finish her chores. Ymir gave the mess a quick glance and sighed, moving to clean it up while muttering quietly to herself. Annie wished that they wouldn't help her like this.

One day soon, their kindness would just become another haunting memory.

x

Bertholdt was huddled up, sitting at one of the dining hall's benches. The other trainees were eating, but they were eerily quiet. Bertholdt noticed Reiner and Annie at the tables across from him, but they weren't moving. They were just sitting, watching their limp hands. Bertholdt looked down at his own hands. The insides of his wrists were bruised black and purple, like they'd been bound at some point. Strangely, they didn't hurt.

"...One of them. He's one of them." A familiar voice muttered from behind. Bertholdt startled and turned, making eye contact with bright blue orbs. It was Armin.

The small blonde had a bloodied hand raised towards Bertholdt, index finger singling him out. Bertholdt felt his heart stop when he noticed the shimmering blood that covered Armin's face as well. From the long shadows along the wall, Mikasa and Eren appeared, flanking Armin from the sides. Both their faces were shadowed, but Bertholdt could feel the hate radiating from their hidden eyes.

Bertholdt started to tremble as he scrambled backwards and onto the table. The room began to fill with the suffocating stench of spilled blood... Maybe it had been there all along.

The three trainees came closer, two steps at a time. It was synched, like clockwork.

"Annie! Reiner!" Bertholdt called in desperation, turning towards his comrades. They still hadn't moved.

Mikasa suddenly lunged forward and Bertholdt barely managed to jump back. She hit the table top and rolled easily, catching her bearings and chasing Bertholdt to the other side. Bertholdt shoved past the crowd of motionless trainees who stood throughout the room, just watching with blank faces. Bertholdt skid to a stop and grabbed Reiner from behind, turning his best friend on the bench. Reiner's head teetered back limply and Bertholdt stared into the empty eyes in front of him. Bertholdt took a step back.

That was where the blood came from.

Bertholdt spun and ran to Annie's body, grabbing her shoulders. Her throat was slit, just like Reiner.

Bile rose in Bertholdt's throat and his hand flew to his mouth, just as Mikasa took him down. Bertholdt's skull cracked against the solid ground, making painful light fill his vision. Mikasa flipped Bertholdt onto his back, pinning him with a knee to his stomach. He could barely make her out among all burning light behind his eyes. Something thin and metal pressed against Bertholdt's neck and he closed his eyes, a whimpering sob building in his throat.

Bertholdt muffled his gasp and lifted a shaky hand to his face. He pressed his nails against his skin until a small pain spiked through him, just to make sure he was awake. He turned his head on his pillow, watching the faint moonlight filter through the windows and illuminate the bunks. His panicked heartbeat didn't match the calm atmosphere. His clothes were drenched through again.

When he was a little calmer, Bertholdt inched over to the edge of the bunk and leaned his head over the side. Reiner had a hand draped over his stomach and his face was peaceful. His chest rose evenly as he slept, assuring Bertholdt that the blonde was alive. Bertholdt's head began to ache from all the blood rushing to it and he laid back on his mattress, pulling his knees to his chest and sliding the blanket up over his head.

Bertholdt clutched his pillow in his arms and burrowed his face into the fabric. He wanted to be in the bunk below, hiding beneath the covers with Reiner and Marcel like when they were young. He wanted the long arms wrapped around him to be Reiner's strong ones instead. He wanted someone to kiss his head and hold his hand and tell him that the nightmare was over.

Truth was, he had no idea which Reiner was sleeping in the bunk beneath him, but Reiner slept easily most nights, which meant he was most likely a soldier. Reiner could escape, disappear, at least, for a while. Even though his bestfriend was trapped inside his own body, Bertholdt felt a tinge of envy. He shamefully rubbed at his eyes and tried to think about something else.

Bertholdt's thoughts wandered to Annie and he pressed his face harder into the pillow. Is she awake now, too?

Annie seemed to have just as much trouble sleeping as Bertholdt did. She said that when she managed to, her sleep was always shallow and dreamless. Is that worse than the nightmares? Bertholdt wondered, feeling his sweat start to dry.

If she were here, she'd tell me not to ask stupid questions. Bertholdt figured, letting his eyelids fall shut again.

x

Bertholdt moved from the showers to his bunk, keeping his head down as he walked. He had his bundle of dirty laundry tucked under one arm and his mop of damp hair was falling in his eyes. He really needed a haircut. I'll ask Reiner for one later. He decided, noticing Jean, who was leaned over his bed and folding his uniform. Bertholdt tried to duck to the side but his wide shoulder bumped against Jean anyway. The trainee jumped in surprise, clutching his chest. He seemed unusually tense.

"S-sorry, Jean." Bertholdt stuttered, turning from Jean's narrowing eyes.

Bertholdt gasped when Jean grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him slightly.

"Think you can just slink away all the time? No! Stop acting like everything's your fault." Jean was absolutely pissed. "It pisses me off! Stand up for yourself! How about a big 'move Jean, you fat fuck! You're in the damn way!'" Jean took a moment to collect himself, breathing hard, eyes wide. He was glaring, but not directly at Bertholdt.

"A- Are you okay?" Bertholdt asked quietly, he turned back to Jean and reached out hesitantly. He didn't want to set Jean off again, who hated accepting help and appeared to be having an internal debate anyway. Bertholdt's heart was hammering in his chest.

"I'm... fine." Jean muttered the words through his clenched teeth. "Just stick up for yourself, okay?"

Bertholdt nodded, mainly to placate Jean. Jean nodded curtly and waved Bertholdt off before returning to his uniform. Personally, Bertholdt thought Jean still looking a little baffled by the whole interaction.

Several of the other trainees in the barracks were staring with alarmed expressions, looking more terrified of Jean than normal. Bertholdt tried not to dwell on Jean's words, but they kept repeating inside his head. He was suddenly grateful that he and Annie had to agreed to meet. He couldn't be alone with his thoughts, not like this.

Everything is my fault, Jean. If you knew what I've done you'd hate me. Bertholdt grabbed his sweater from his bunk on his way outside.You'd want me dead, no, worse than that. You'd want me to suffer.

Bertholdt hoped that Jean would never have to find out about his betrayal. Something about having a bold, honest spirit made you expect people to be honest as well. Marcel had been the same way and it had only brought him harm.

Annie was waiting at the edge of the nearest clearing, between both the male and female barracks. Bertholdt came up beside her and leaned against the short railing of the fence. They stood in silence for a while.

"How long has it been?" Annie asked quietly. Bertholdt followed her gaze to Reiner, who was sitting with Eren, Mikasa and Armin near the porch of the dining hall. The four of them were laughing, which was a rare sight for Mikasa. She looked nothing like the girl from his nightmares. She looked... pretty, actually.

"Two weeks." Bertholdt replied quietly, looking away from the picturesque moment.

"It's getting worse." Annie murmred, thinking aloud. Bertholdt just nodded grimly.

Annie tilted her head. "He seems happier."

He looked up, alarmed. "What?"

"Look at him smiling Bertholdt," She sighed, turning away as Bertholdt's eyes lingered longingly on Reiner. "I hate it, but I'm just glad there's some good coming from it. That's all I meant."

Annie's melancholy tone was making Bertholdt's chest tighten. He turned to her, resisting the urge to wrap his arms around her shoulders. She'd probably throw him down if he tried. "I miss him Annie..." There was so much Bertholdt didn't know how to say.

Annie nodded slightly and sighed. "...He's coming over here."

Alarmed, Bertholdt looked up and was met with the sight of Reiner sauntering straight towards them. He was undoubtably a soldier.

"Sorry Bert, you're on your own," Annie muttered, "He's so righteous and touchy feely when he's like this. I can't stand it." She shook her head and quickly slinked away, missing Bertholdt's ungrateful look. He braced himself for impact.

"Butthole!" Reiner bounded over and wrapped an arm around the taller, grinning broadly.

"Don't call me that." Bertholdt mumbled, tiredly meeting Reiner's eyes. Hearing his nickname from the soldier made his heart ache.

"Let's walk and talk." Reiner prompted, dragging Bertholdt with him before he could reply.

Bertholdt quickly pried Reiner's hand off him and matched his pace instead. "What is it?" Bertholdt asked as they cut through some underbrush. They were heading towards one of the maneuver gear sheds.

"Tomorrow night, some of us are sneaking out to a pub. It's going to be a celebration for all the birthdays we've missed." Reiner paused, looking back at Bertholdt. "Want to come?"

"No thanks." Bertholdt wiped his sweaty hands on his shirt and tried to stay calm. What would he and Annie do if Reiner was caught and discharged from the trainee corps? The mission was too important, there was too much at stake.

"Why not?" Reiner crossed his arms stubbornly.

"I- I don't want to be caught and sent to work the fields." Bertholdt looked away and shuffled his heel into the soil. "You still want to join the MP right? Is sneaking out really worth it?"

Reiner rolled his eyes. "We won't get caught... and of course I still want to join the MP with you." His eyes narrowed. "Seriously Bert, you can hardly sleep or eat. You need to relax a little if you want to stay at one hundred percent. This is exactly what you need!"

Bertholdt hesitated, trying to think of something to dissuade his comrade, but before anything came to mind Reiner was suddenly snapping his fingers. "Oh! Is it Annie?"

"What?" Bertholdt gasped, his eyes widening in alarm.

"I thought so!" Reiner laughed, "That's why you've been avoiding me so much. She doesn't want to be anywhere near me, right? And you're spending all your time with her."

"T- That's not true." Bertholdt managed, swallowing dryly in a weak attempt to relax. He could feel nervous sweat starting to prickle across his skin. If soldier Reiner can associate Annie and I that easily, then we aren't being careful enough. He thought quickly. We need to be more careful.

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone." Reiner gave Bertholdt a sincere look as he uncrossed his arms and placed a hand on Bertholdt's shoulder again. This time Bertholdt didn't brush him off. He relaxed a little, taking Reiner's words to heart.

Bertholdt laced his fingers together, attempting to keep his voice steady. "Even if that were true, it wouldn't matter. I'm going to concentrate on making the top ten and joining the MP. That's all."

Reiner pursed his lips and shrugged, taking a step back. "Well, I gotta get back. Let me know if you change your mind about the pub."

Bertholdt nodded and Reiner gave him a final arm pat, before spinning and walked back in the direction of the barracks. Reiner paused for a moment, like he'd forgotten something. "I really think it'd be good for you... and I... I want you there." Reiner's eyes were downcast and his tone was completely serious, but before Bertholdt could reply, Reiner was moving again.

Bertholdt watched him leave, feeling his uneasiness grow with each of Reiner's steps. Finally, when he was almost out of sight, Bertholdt started the walk back as well.

x

The white noise of the dining hall was lulling Bertholdt to sleep once more. He was so exhausted that if he was still for too long, people's voices and words would start to colleague with his wispy half-dreams. He let his head sink to the wooden table and wrapped his arms around his head, blocking out the lantern's light.

"Bertholdt... there you are. I've been looking for you." It was Reiner's voice. Bertholdt's eyelids fluttered open and he peeked between his sleeves.

It was actually Reiner. The blonde's hair was still drying from a recent shower and he had his dinner stacked up on a plate. He didn't look particularly happy, but he didn't look upset either. He just seems... glad to see me. Bertholdt thought, relieved. He felt himself smile softly.

"You look exhausted... Nightmares have you up still?" Reiner lowered his voice and set his food on the table. He quickly walked around to Bertholdt's bench and crouched beside him. Reiner held out his hand. "Here... Let's get you to bed."

"What... about your dinner?" Bertholdt asked reluctantly.

Reiner just shrugged and Bertholdt felt himself being lifted by the arm. He gripped Reiner's waist to steady himself and Reiner paused to let him get his bearings. He didn't seem to care what any of the other trainees thought. Bertholdt glanced back, instinctivly checking for Annie as Reiner lead out of the dining hall and into the chilly night air. Bertholdt didn't see her.

He rubbed at his eyes and blinked up at the night sky, sighing and leaning his head against Reiner's shoulder. The blonde smiled, wrapping his free arm around Bertholdt's waist.

"They're beautiful tonight." Bertholdt mumbled. It took Reiner a second to realize he was talking about the stars.

"Yeah, they are."

Bertholdt's eyes wandered over to Reiner, briefly wondering if this was just another cruel dream.

"Reiner?"

"Hmm?"

Bertholdt felt himself relax, really relax, for the first time in weeks.

They crossed the grass and climbed up the porch steps to the boy's barracks. Reiner propped the door open and they peered inside. As far as they could tell, the barracks were empty. Reiner left the lights off and the two stumbled towards their stacked bunks in the dark. Bertholdt rolled on to Reiner's bottom bunk and exhaled, letting his eyes close. Moments later he felt the heat of Reiner's fingers unlacing his boots and slipping them off.

I have to stay awake. I don't know how long Reiner will be here. Bertholdt forced himself awake and propped himself up lazily with his elbows.

The moonlight was bright enough for Bertholdt to make out most of the objects in the room. The light was reflecting off Reiner's eyes, which were fixed on Bertholdt.

"I miss you." Bertholdt heard himself speak before he realized what he was saying.

Reiner's eyebrows pulled together regretfully."I'm sorry Bertholdt. I don't mean to hurt you. I'd never hurt you... I'm so childish when I'm a Soldier." Bertholdt could hear the anguish in Reiner's voice as the blonde came around the bunk and leaned over to unbutton Bertholdt's shirt.

"We're only sixteen," Bertholdt mumbled, shivering as Reiner's cold hands brushed against his bare chest and slipped towards his shoulders, pulling his sleeves over and off his arms with a little manuvering from Bertholdt. "We should be childish..."

Reiner said nothing, but his expression darkened as he moved to Bertholdt's pants, helping the taller boy shimmy out of them. Finally, Reiner pulled up the blanket and tucked Bertholdt in, just like when they were little. He leaned down and pressed his lips to Bertholdt's forehead. The soft touch was torturous.

"Rest." His words were like a spell that Bertholdt couldn't fight. He laid there, his head cushioned by Reiner's pillow, which smelled like him, watching Reiner silhouette retreat towards the door.

"No, Reiner, wait."

He paused and turned slightly. "Yes?"

"Stay. Please."

There was the slightest moment of hesitation. "Of course," Reiner's voice was liquid. He kicked off his own shoes and climbed beneath the covers with Bertholdt, wrapping an arm around his waist again.

Bertholdt sighed and leaned his forehead against Reiner's. "...I don't want to wake up alone again."

Reiner's expression hardened. "I'll be here Bertholdt."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

The darkness and Reiner's warmth made Bertholdt's eyelids heavy. He felt his breathing even and the world started to blur with his dreams again.

"Reiner..."

"Hmm?" Reiner's deep voice vibrated beside Bertholdt's ear, making the taller boy smile sloppily.

"Thank you."

There was the longest silence and then Reiner shifted slightly, lacing his fingers with Bertholdt's. "...'Night."