The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 4: Operation JEALOUSY

Today was Monday, and after being woken up by the alarm that is my sister I hiked on up to school. Monday... mundane, more like. Taniguchi didn't bother catching up with me to chat, so I was slightly worried.

After getting to class, I waited around for either Haruhi, Kunikida or Taniguchi to show up and speak to me. Then, about five minutes late, Taniguchi showed up, Haruhi next to him.

"Hey, Kyon. He wants to talk to you." Haruhi said promptly, looking slightly irritated.

Taniguchi approached me, and then said, "Hey, Miss Suzumiya, is it okay if I talk to Kyon alone?"

"No! I'm the Brigade Leader, and I'll observe all conversations of brigade members!"

If that's the case, how come you don't know about Nagato, Koizumi, or Miss Asahina?

"Fine... I need to get this off my chest no matter what." Taniguchi exhaled, and looked downwards.

"What is it, Taniguchi? Stop looking so depressed, you're freaking me out..." I said in a bid to get a smile from the guy.

"Well, you know... Miss Nagato? Well... I'm quite scared of her, Kyon. Something about her... she... she's... not normal, you know?"

I know. And it's not as if she's got a foolproof disguise either. If this was Men in Black, Nagato would be one of the most obvious aliens of them all.

"She isn't normal, but... she's okay to hang out with. What, are you frightened because she punched your lights out?"

"No... well, yeah, that was scary, but... she's... kind of quiet all the time. She's... what do you call it? Um... she's..."

"...a bibliophile?"

"Whoa, Kyon, I don't think she's a sex offender! I mean, she took very badly to my advances, so she can't be into that kind of stuff anyway..."

Haruhi giggled at Taniguchi's stupidity. I can't say I wasn't on the verge of laughing either, though.

"Taniguchi, a bibliophile is someone who loves books. That's what Nagato is."

"Whatever. Anyway, I'm kinda thinking about ditching this stupid club... but..."

"But what?" Then I noticed the 'but'. Haruhi was glaring at Taniguchi like a cat glares at a dog that won't shut up... or something.

"I... I'll stay! D-don't worry, M-m-miss Suzumiya, Sir... I m-mean, Mistress... I-I'll stay in the B-b-b-b-brigade... see ya!"

And with those fear-induced words, Taniguchi sprinted to his side of the classroom. Kunikida would've loved to see that, but he was strangely absent from class.

Haruhi looked at me with those hazel eyes of hers. She was wearing a smile that said, "I've figured something out". She actually looked rather beautiful this morning, like when I first saw her on that fateful first day of high school. My staring was interrupted, however.

"Hey, Kyon, stop being an idiot! I've figured something out!" Haruhi said, releasing me from my trance. She then lowered her voice to a whisper, and said, "I know why Taniguchi's all hung up about Yuki."

"Why is that?" I whispered back.

"He likes her. A lot. Couldn't you see? He was all lost for words when trying to describe her... and he's sad because he thinks she doesn't like him back."

This explanation, I hate to say, was most likely correct. However, Haruhi would now put a spin on things which nobody would ever think for a million years.

"But I think Yuki does like Taniguchi back. I think that her little forcing Taniguchi to tell the truth last night was her way of making Taniguchi admit he loves her, and she wanted to hear it from him... how romantic!"

Haruhi, even if you don't know Nagato's a humanoid interface, can't you see that Nagato is incapable of romantic feelings? What, actually, is she incapable? Whoa, thinking about it, she did want me to go on a 'date' with her in the library again... no... that can't be love... can it?

"Anyway, it's my duty as Brigade Leader to make sure that these two lovers become just that. They'll be kissing by the end of the week! I know it! But I need to help them along with this... and you are too."

"Why do I have to?"

"I'm the Brigade Leader. Don't question my orders."

And, like that, Pair number 1 in Haruhi's wacky romantic comedy was... Taniguchi and Nagato. I'd like to know what she smokes to come up with her ideas of what a good couple is...

Lunch arrived, and everyone was called to the clubroom. Me, Haruhi, Taniguchi, Miss Asahina and Miss Tsuruya were first there.

"Okay guys, get out! I have some new costumes for our mascots... waitress outfits!"

Miss Asahina looked like she was going to cry, and Miss Tsuruya smiled.

"And I'll wear my bunny-girl outfit so you're not self-conscious... guys, OUT NOW!"

So, me and Taniguchi reluctantly stepped out of the clubroom.

Taniguchi started to speak, but I hushed him... for some reason, the changing conversations are much... nicer to listen to with Miss Tsuruya in there.

I heard Miss Tsuruya laughing because 'it tickles', and Miss Asahina was crying, only to be comforted by Miss Tsuruya, who said, "It's okay, they're only clothes... besides, your boobs are super enormous, megas! No need to be so self-conscious!"

My zip's beginning to hurt...

"It's not because I'm self-conscious..." Miss Asahina timidly said before Haruhi shouted, "Come on, strip, girl! Tsuruya's done a fine job getting into her clothes, and she looks hot in that, doesn't she? Come on, I'm in a bunny-girl outfit! I'll help you out if you're that worried!"

After a few more screams, Taniguchi going close to crazy, and Haruhi saying, "Come in!" I decided to go into the clubroom.

But just as I did, a familiar, slightly slimy voice said, "Hello there. Me and Miss Nagato were just having a chat, sorry if we're late..."

Nagato? Chat? No way.

Taniguchi bared his teeth for about a millisecond, as he saw Nagato at the side of Koizumi. What, did he think they were dating or something?

Taniguchi walked into the clubroom, and I stuck around. Koizumi always has some kind of report to tell me.

"So, what's up?"

Koizumi smiled, and said calmly, "Miss Suzumiya has decided on the first pairing."

I know.

"Yeah, she told me. Taniguchi and Nagato. What about it?"

"Well, Miss Nagato can explain the problem to you... I don't seem to understand."

That's a first. Koizumi and Nagato understand each other way better than I understand either of them.

Nagato paused, and then fired words at me, "I am incapable of fulfilling Haruhi Suzumiya's desired role for me. I am an advanced interface for observation, and I am adept at controlling data, however, my social functioning is rather inefficient. I am less socially adept than my former back-up unit, Ryouko Asakura. I cannot attempt to perform human courtship rituals as I am not well equipped for such a task. I shall require assistance if Haruhi Suzumiya's desired romantic pairing shall be accomplished."

So you're saying... you're no good at attracting guys. I think. Man, Nagato's an impossible to understand alien. At least most fictional ones know how to say 'Take me to your leader' in an understandable, clear way. Nagato, please tone it down... please?

"What she's saying is she needs assistance to successfully attract Mr Taniguchi enough to cause them to deemed 'a couple'. And I have an idea of how we can assist her..."

"Shoot."

"As you probably know, jealousy is a powerful emotion. It will make you want something even more than before simply because someone else has it. I think this is how we will get Taniguchi to fully desire Miss Nagato as a partner. So, we need a fake boyfriend for Miss Nagato if we want Mr Taniguchi to become jealous."

"And have you any idea who this fake boyfriend will be?"

Koizumi laughed, and when he stopped, grinned. "That would be me."

What? Koizumi and Nagato? A fake couple? What the hell? I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. No-one would buy that for a second. I mean, it's obvious that Koizumi isn't interested in girls... although Taniguchi wouldn't know that. He's got about as much personality perception as a fish on acid. Fish on acid? Now I'm going crazy too.

"Whatever."

"But we'll have to only act like a couple in Mr Taniguchi's presence alone... if Miss Suzumiya caught us being a 'wrong couple'... then I don't know what kinds of disasters would occur."

"Okay, I get the idea. Anyway, let's go in. Miss Asahina and Miss Tsuruya have new outfits on."

And when I walked in... oh man... oh, what a sight! I've seen Miss Asahina's waitress outfit before, but... without the pressure of making a movie, this sight was even more spectacular. Taniguchi was sitting in a chair, mesmerised.

Miss Tsuruya had made tea, and looked almost as good as Miss Asahina in her waitress outfit. Not only that, but her tea was pretty good too. Although not as good as Miss Asahina's... nothing on earth is better than Miss Asahina's tea.

"Hey, Kyon, what about me?" Haruhi asked, and I was semi-shocked to see she was in her bunny-girl outfit. Was this intended to be heavenly? Girls... everywhere... in absolutely awesome outfits! Alas, my staring was interrupted by an overly close Koizumi.

"If I were you, I'd look entirely at Miss Suzumiya before she gets jealous..."

"Fine, fine... but she's the one putting them in these... nice clothes..."

"Do not allow Miss Suzumiya's eccentric ways to cause you to give in to lust. She's convinced you love her, as am I. Now, look at her... it's not exactly hard to look at, right?"

"Yeah, but it is hard to look away from the other girls too..."

Koizumi looked at me as if he didn't understand what I meant.

"Well, I'd prefer it if I didn't have to deal with closed space today."

Not my problem. Now, to bask in this amazing view...

"Do not observe Mikuru Asahina or Tsuruya." the voice of Nagato warned. Damn it, these two seem to think they're my parents or something.

"Fine, fine." So, I gazed at Haruhi, looked at an Othello board, and averted my eyes from the other girls. Heaven had soon turned to hell... or at the very least, purgatory.

Lunch then ended, and everyone went off their separate ways. I was about to follow Taniguchi to class when Haruhi called, "Kyon, come here for a moment..."

"What is it?"

"Look at what I've done! I want you to put these profiles on the SOS Brigade website after school. I've already put an online poll for who people think are the best couples, but no-one will know about which couple's best until they know who they're matching up..."

I observed each profile. They all had a photo, and these words attached:

Haruhi Suzumiya

Gender: Female

Likes: The Weird and Wonderful, aliens, time travellers, espers, sliders, and winning.

Hates: Losing, normal humans.

Role: Supreme Brigade Leader of the SOS Brigade.

The picture of Haruhi was one of her in a Yukata. She looked pretty good in it... I didn't really appreciate that at the time due to the endless nature of the summer vacation when she wore it.

Kyon

Gender: Male

Likes: The Weird and Wonderful, Othello, Chess, Tea... I don't know, Maid outfits I guess.

Hates: This boring world, class.

Role: SOS Brigade grunt and hard worker guy.

My picture was the one of me sleeping one the way to our 'murder mystery holiday'. Still warning future generations, eh Haruhi? Oh, and you can delete that Maid outfits bit, thanks... what? So what if it's the truth, I don't want that on the internet!

Itsuki Koizumi

Gender: Male

Likes: Smiling, Chess, Othello, Poker, the SOS Brigade, and Taxis.

Hates: Nothing... I think. I mean, he smiles all the time! Help me out here, Kyon!

Role: Vice President of the SOS Brigade

Koizumi's photo was him looking to the sky in some kind of attempt at a cool pose. Haruhi clearly told him what the photo was for. And I can't blame Haruhi for not knowing what Koizumi hates... I'm at a loss too.

Mikuru Asahina

Gender: Female

Likes: Super-cute Molé outfits, making tea, saying 'Classified' for some reason- Kyon, do you know why she does that?

Hates: Being changed, but it has to be done- she's so cute!

Role: Mascot #1 of the SOS Brigade

Now, Miss Asahina's picture was of her in her maid outfit, and was quite a good picture... but I'm not sure if it should be floating around on the internet. And since when did Miss Asahina like her outfits?

Yuki Nagato

Gender: Female

Likes: Books, the library, science fiction.

Hates: Talking.

Role: Silent cute female character of SOS Brigade.

So, Nagato is apparently into science fiction. Maybe Haruhi sneaked a look at Nagato's book and found the words 'humanoid interface'. Well, whatever floats your boat, Haruhi. Nagato's picture was... Nagato. Just a short haired girl with her head in a book.

Taniguchi

Gender: Male

Likes: Girls, Molé outfits, being bad at sports.

Hates: Being rejected (I think)... any more, Kyon? I don't know him too well.

Role: Low-ranking grunt of the SOS Brigade. Sub-ordinate to Kyon.

Yes! I get to be in charge of someone! Now, I don't know how, but Haruhi did manage to get a picture of Taniguchi. He was trying to look handsome, and you could tell.

Kunikida

Gender: Male

Likes: Taniguchi, Mikuru, going shopping.

Hates: Kyon, please fill this in for me... this guy doesn't speak much.

Role: Honorary grunt of SOS Brigade.

What? How come I aren't the honorary grunt? Oh well, I guess Haruhi's chosen. Kunikida looked... average on his photo.

Tsuruya

Gender: Female

Likes: Everything! She's excitable about everything!

Hates: Not much, if anything.

Role: Mascot #2 of the SOS Brigade.

Miss Tsuruya was also in her maid outfit for the photo... and looked delicious. I guess I have a lot of work to do on Haruhi's blank spots.

After giving Haruhi a nod of approval, Haruhi smiled and said, "Come on, Kyon, lets go to class!"

"Okay."

While walking to class, Haruhi looked like she wanted to tell me something.

"Haruhi, what's up?"

"Um... nothing. Just something about yesterday."

"What about it?"

"Well... I kind of liked kissing you. It was nice... I feel like such an idiot for saying that."

Okay, now how do I respond to this? 'I liked it too'... 'I was embarrassed'... oh, I'll just use the first option, I shouldn't upset her by saying that.

"I liked it too."

Haruhi was clearly surprised. "Kyon, you're such a dork." she snapped while trying not to smile.

I mean, she was happy that I said that, right?

The rest of the school day was boring, and Haruhi kept exchanging glances at me. I finished up the profiles after school, added them to the site, and walked home.

On the way, I bumped into Kunikida the truant.

"Hey, how come you weren't in school today?"

"Working on something. Something big."

"Well, what is it?"

"Kyon... don't tell anyone, but I've been working on a time travel device. I watched 'Back to the Future', and I thought 'Time travel ain't possible'... you know, 'cos of the conservation of energy law. It doesn't make sense if one time-plane gets a lot of mass coming into it if another has given up a lot of mass because mass is energy and energy in the universe is constant... then I thought the time could be a continuum... just another location in the universe... a fourth dimension. If thought of like this, then energy is conserved as it has merely 'moved'... not disappeared from one realm to another. Now, all I need to do is build a flux capacitor."

Wow. I never realised Kunikida was this smart. Well, I know that he won't end up with a flux capacitor, but he will end up with something...

"Wow... good luck with that. Seriously. I hope you end up becoming a time traveller... I mean, Haruhi would be ecstatic, wouldn't she?"

"Oh yeah, she's into time travellers, isn't she? Ha, I never realised you listened to Miss Suzumiya so much. You two should totally get together... I mean, you both kissed each other so passionately last night..."

Shut up.

"Well, I'm glad you got cheap thrills off of it. Pervert."

Kunikida laughed and said, "Well see you later, Kyon." while walking away.

So I continued my walk home. Time for prime-time animé! Unless I'm too late.

Author's note: Lucky Star references for the win! So, you like?

Please do review. I crave them! Maybe I went overboard with the Haruhi-x-Kyon this chapter. Please say if so... oh god, my Author's notes are like a stream of consciousness...