Chapter Three
I have hours, only lonely,
My love is vengeance,
That's never free.
Remus was sat at the massive table in the kitchen of Grimauld Place reading an article in the Daily Prophet with open mouthed astonishment. It seemed the Ministry's hold on Azkaban was tenuous to say the least and he, like Dumbledore, feared the worst. Any day news would come of a mass breakout if the Orders plan of infiltration didn't succeed. He shuddered slightly at that thought and turned the page when his eye caught by a small advertisement in the bottom corner.
Weasley Wizard Wheezes - So you want to turn your ex into a WARTHOG?
Those two, he thought, shaking his head with a small smile on his face, they're insane.
Summer Fun Special Offers - buy one shrinking wig get a nipple engorgement shirt free!
They would get into serious trouble one day. He tried to be serious about it and take Molly's point of view, but the sound of a nipple engorgement shirt sounded too comical...
"We've got a situation!" came a distant voice, echoing around the kitchen walls suddenly.
"What's up Dung?" asked Remus at once, abandoning his tea to speak into his wrist.
"Unidentified person approaching the door of Potter's house," he said, sounding as if he'd just been woken up from a peaceful slumber.
"Magical?" demanded Remus, already walking over to the Fireplace.
There was a few seconds of silence, before Mundungus's wheezy voice returned to Remus.
"Nope, actually," he said, sounding slightly embarrassed, "about as un-magical as you can get, we've got ourselves a super-muggle."
"It's not another delivery man is it Dung?" asked Remus, already walking back over to his chair, "like the last three times?"
"Nah, no uniform or anything like you said," he replied and Remus shook his head slightly as he dipped a biscuit in his tea.
"Get in touch with Mrs Figg, get her to go in and just check what's going on," said Remus finally, "just in case."
"Right you are," said Mundungus, "see you later."
"Goodbye," said Remus to the kitchen in general, rolling his eyes as he continued to read the paper.
Harry was feeling remarkably unguilty that morning, which was really quite amazing considering that after leaving the window open the other night, Dudley's flu had worsened and his Uncle had been sent for medicine. He was too happy that this would mean he would be able to get away on Friday to pick up his contacts. The night before Harry had carefully wrapped up the beginnings of the mirror and placed it on his desk and he now seated himself back down for another few hours of work.
Around one 'o' clock he went in search of something to eat, returning to his room with a cheese sandwich to find an unfamiliar owl sitting on his desk amongst the parchment. He approached it cautiously, looking around the room. It held out its leg placidly and he took the letter off it and the small package. He studied the letter, vaguely recognising the handwriting and opened it quickly.
To Harry,
Just a quick note to make sure you caught the latest issue of Balls, check out the brunette on the new Cleensweep model - I wouldn't mind taking that for a ride! George says page 10 might interest you. Hope the summer's going well and you are tormenting Dudley to the best of your abilities - we've got you a little present to help that go along a little better.
Excellent little spying device you've gave us an idea for when you stole that Snitch from our last match, (great muggle repelling charms on them, they can't see a thing!). It's only a prototype, but we thought our investor might as well see what his money's bought. Enjoy!
Gred and Forge
p.s. We've already found a few rather interesting facts our dearest baby bro with this - tell you all when we see you!
Harry smiled faintly at the twin's letter and pulled the package towards him, slightly worried it might have been a hoax on his part. But when he opened it he found a small wooden box, inside which was an inactive Snitch and a small roll of parchment. He picked it up and examined it, looked like a regulation Quidditch Snitch, nothing different about it at all. He unfurled the parchment.
Simply hold the Snitch and command it to 'Work, damn you' and watch this nifty device fly! Keep your eye on the lid of the box and command its flight!
Harry frowned at the bizarre instructions before placing them on his desk and examining the Snitch.
"Work, damn you," he said tentatively.
He watched as the Snitch's wings unfurled and it took to the air, hovering at eye level. Harry picked up the wooden box it came in and looked at the lid, nearly dropping it at shock at what he could see. There, looking like a magical picture had been pasted onto it, was himself, staring at the box.
"A camera?" Harry wondered out loud, looking from the Snitch to the box.
It worked perfectly, he could see and heard everything that the Snitch could. Feeling slightly reckless he looked across to the Snitch and commanded it to show him the Dursley's in the kitchen.
At once it zipped out of the door and Harry followed its darting flight on the small screen as it went down the stairs, through the hall and into the kitchen where Aunt Petunia was preparing a huge bowl of chicken soup for Dudley and his Uncle was ranting on the phone to the plumbers.
"This is amazing," Harry whispered, watching as the Snitch took a massive close up of Uncle Vernon's nostrils and he didn't notice a thing.
After a while he snapped the lid shut and a few seconds later the Snitch was waiting eye-level for instruction.
"Work, damn you?" he asked again hesitantly, grinning at the inactive snitch dropped to the floor.
He heard the doorbell ring downstairs and Harry placed the Snitch into the box on his desk, writing a reminder on a scrap of paper to write to Fred and George later. He was just about to start working on the mirror again when the door to his bedroom smashed open. He spun around, wand out in a flash.
"Put that thing away boy!" hissed his Uncle, walking across to the window and looking outside fearfully, "what do you think you're doing, eh?"
"Sorry, you just surprised me Uncle," said Harry, slipping his wand back into his pocket.
His Uncle snorted like an angry bull and fixed him with a disgusted glare, "One of your lot are here to see you."
"What?" asked Harry blankly, looking over to his calendar, the Order weren't supposed to be here till tomorrow.
"I don't appreciate being interrogated like this boy," his Uncle continued angrily, his podgy fingers prodding him in the chest, "once every three days is bad enough but I'll have no more surprise visits do you hear?"
"I'll tell them that Uncle," agreed Harry, he really couldn't have people turning up unplanned - what if they'd come yesterday and discovered his absence?
"Right," his Uncle spluttered, surprised at Harry's agreement, but recovering quickly, "now get down there and tell them everything is fine, do you hear me?"
"Of course," said Harry glumly, following his Uncle down the stairs.
He got to the front door to see his Aunt Petunia glaring at him angrily from the kitchen.
"You're not due till tomorrow -" began Harry wearily as he swung the door open before his mouth dropped open in shock.
Standing on the doorstep was Kitty Earl.
"Didn't realise you were expecting me," she said, laughing at his expression, "surprise surprise it's Cilla Black!"
"Kitty?" Harry said blankly, hanging onto the doorframe for support, "what...how..."
She merely continued to smile at him as he spluttered incoherently, well aware that his heart was hammering madly in his chest. His mind was taking a long to catch up with his eyes.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he finally managed to exclaim.
"Hello to you too," she said, "I was in the neighbourhood and was bored - figured I'd pop by, see what you're up to?"
"Right," Harry said, suddenly very aware of his Uncle looming presence behind him and Mrs Figg walking extremely slowly past their garden fence, watching curiously.
He needed to do some quick thinking.
"Come in," he said urgently, pulling her into the house by the arm and shutting the door quickly.
"Now listen here you," began his Uncle, shaking a finger at Kitty, who gave a surprised exclamation, "I've already told your lot that we don't want -."
"Uncle!" Harry said urgently, "This is Kit - Catherine Earl. She went to school with me and Dudley!"
Harry looked at his Uncle with pleading eyes, willing him to get the message. His uncle narrowed his eyes at Harry dangerously and seemed to be doing some equally quick thinking. Kitty stared at him blankly, before frowning at his Uncle's expression.
"Petunia!" he shouted suddenly and Harry cringed inwardly.
She came walking back down the hall and took in the scene, young girl looking at everyone in confusion, Harry staring doggedly at his shoes and his Uncle glaring at the two, moustache quivering.
"Yes dear?" she asked, trying to appear loving and caring for the Orders sake.
"This girl here went to school with Dudley and Harry," he said, in a forced calm voice.
"Oh...really?" asked his Aunt in surprise, scrutinising Harry closely and then the girl.
She had a look on her face that was reminiscent of the one she used when around Tonks, as if Kitty had mortally offended her with her wild hair, piercings and outrageous clothes. Harry felt his stomach dropping even further, the Dursley's didn't know what to do, they were being awkwardly silent. Kitty was looking towards him for help.
Just when he thought it could get any worse, the doorbell went again and everyone jumped.
"Who's this now?" growled his Uncle, reaching in between Harry and Kitty and wrenching the door open.
Harry cringed even more, there standing on the doorstep was Mrs Figg, wringing her hands in distress.
"Oh Vernon dear, you haven't see Mr Tibble's have you?" she began whining almost instantly, stepping into the house before Uncle Vernon could stop her.
"What?" demanded his Uncle loudly, going a deep red colour.
"Mr Tibble's, my cat, you know the one - he's got a little patch of white fur just above his ear and he's -," she began doing a good impression of being deeply upset whilst taking in every detail of Kitty's appearance.
"No I haven't seen your sodding cat you crazy -," began his Uncle until he remembered Kitty's presence and stopping, breathing deeply.
There was silence for a few seconds.
"- he's fond of sardines but I do tend to find he likes a bit of salmon in the evening," continued Mrs Figg unhesitantly.
"Hey, what's going on here?" demanded Kitty suddenly and Harry closed his eyes, "all I wanted to do was visit -"
"RIGHT! That's it!" exclaimed Uncle Vernon, by now a quivering wreck as he wrenched open the door, "Mrs Figg, I haven't seen your cat, and as for you young lady; we're very busy and are about to have dinner so you'll will just have to excuse us!"
Mrs Figg made an exclamation of shock at his Uncle's tone and let her bottom lip quiver as she walked out of the door. Kitty looked across to Harry who stubbornly refused to meet her eyes, he felt sick inside, and a great sense of loss knowing that Kitty would never have the guts to call around again after this.
"We really are quite busy," said his Uncle forcefully, showing her the door.
"Harry -," she began uncertainly.
"Go and lay the table boy," his Uncle said loudly and Harry swallowed down the insult he wanted to throw back.
There was nothing he could do though, Mrs Figg was still on the doorstep watching everything and his Aunt and Uncle were glaring at him, arms folded angrily. He turned around and began to walk towards the kitchen, feeling Kitty's eyes on his back. He felt miserable, he'd lost the chance to talk to Kitty, the Order would be paying special attention to him now and Uncle Vernon was about to have a very big argument with him.
"Goodbye," his Uncle was saying pointedly at the door.
"Je-sus! You are such a prick," was Kitty's own final shot as she walked through the door and Uncle Vernon slammed the door in her face, incandescent with rage.
"BOY!" came the roar and Harry turned around wearily.
"Oi Remus, you still there?" echoed Mundungus's voice around the Kitchen for a second time in the space of ten minutes.
"Yes I'm still here Dung," said Remus wearily, speaking into his wrist again, "what's wrong now?"
"I've got Figgy here, news about our super-muggle," he said, sounding very impressed with himself.
"Ok," he said heavily, leaning back on his chair, preparing himself for Mrs Figg's ten minute mad ramble in which he'd be informed that it was indeed a delivery man, "put her on."
"Oh Remus dear," began Mrs Figg's distraught voice before there was a muffled sound, "am I talking into the right bit -"
"Just here Figgy."
"What, I don't understand -"
"Just into my wrist here, just speak. Merlin's teeth..."
"I'm not putting my nose up your sleeve, look at it, it's filthy and torn and -"
"Mundungus," interrupted Remus, "why don't you just tell me it was the delivery man?"
"But it wasn't, that's the point isn't it!" said Mundungus, speaking loudly over the voice of Mrs Figg who was mumbling tearfully in the background.
"Who was it then?" sighed Remus, perching precariously on two legs of his chair, as he prayed to the ceiling for strength.
"It was a girl," he said importantly, holding his information for as long as possible to get the maximum effect, "for Harry."
Remus gave a start and there was a sudden moment of weightlessness as his chair hovered between falling on four feet and falling on the floor. It chose the latter and Remus gave a yelp of pain as he slammed into the cold, stone floor.
"Oi, Remy, you still there?" echoed Mundungus's voice around Remus's head as he pulled himself to his knees.
"A girl you say?" demanded Remus quickly, jumping to his feet, "what kind of girl?"
"A muggle girl like I said," Mundungus replied smartly, "Figgy here say's she was definitely visiting Harry, she was speaking to him and everything."
"What - right, ok," began Remus, trying to figure out what to do about this, "Put Mrs Figg back on and tell her to explain everything very carefully, tell her it's very important."
Remus listened to Dung relaying this and fidgeted impatiently, rubbing the small of his back that was aching from his fall now. There were a couple of feeble protests before Mrs Figg came through loud and clear.
"Remus dear, Vernon was most rude to the both of us! All I asked was if he had seen Mr Tibbles! Now of course I knew that he was in my house, but I thought it would be a kind of cover story, so I explained about the salmon and he was-"
"Mrs Figg," interrupted Remus quickly, already despairing, "the girl, can you explain abut the girl?"
"What, oh right, ok, let me see," she muttered and mumbled before beginning in a slow, rehearsed manner, "I went to the door like Mundungus said and she was in the hallway with Petunia and Vernon and Harry. Harry looked very worried to see me and was not looking at either of us. Vernon then proceeded to demand that both myself and the girl should leave. Which we did."
"I see," said Remus, frowning slightly and beginning to pace the kitchen, "Dung, ask her what the girl looked like, describe to me in detail everything about her."
The question was debated between the two on the other end of the conversation and Remus summoned a quill and paper, sitting down at the table again and waiting for Mrs Figg, in her own special way, to recount the meeting.
"She is a very scruffy looking girl," she began, obvious distaste in her voice, "if she was my daughter I wouldn't have her walking outside looking like that, anyone would think she'd never seen an iron, or a-"
"Mrs Figg," Remus pleaded wearily, "scruffy you say, ok...tell me more, what was her hair like, eyes, accent..."
"She had the most awful hair," sniffed Mrs Figg, sounding unimpressed, "Those awful Medusa snakes so common these days, I've seen them down on the housing estates with them you know – bunch of ruffians listening to their tuneless music...Oh well, I guess her eyes, blue I think, yes probably blue and she had piercings."
Remus almost smiled at the shudder in her voice but the situation was too serious for that.
"Accent?" he asked, jotting notes down on the paper.
"Oh it wasn't nice," she said at once, which Remus could have guessed she would have said, "one of those awful ones where they can't pronounce the whole word, you know, forget there's aitches in words - the type that would finish every sentence with a 'yeah' or 'man' or some other such vulgarity...and I'll tell you something Mr Lupin, the language she used...I won't taint our conversation by repeating what she called Vernon!"
"I see," said Remus, smile tugging at his lips now, "and you say she was there to see Harry?"
"Yes that's right, she said 'all I wanted to do was visit Harry' when Vernon was being rude to me, he didn't take to kindly to her either, they pushed her out the same as me!"
She sounded scandalised.
"You didn't recognise her did you Mrs Figg?" asked Remus against hope, he knew she was lately to forget such an important piece of information as a name.
"I most certainly did not," she said at once, "for I would be saddened to see the likes of her around this neighbourhood."
"Ok," he said thoughtfully, looking down at his notes, "did you manage to speak to her?"
"I didn't want to," said Mrs Figg primly, "she was muttering to herself and kicking Petunia's flowers! Now I don't like that family anymore than you do Mr. Lupin, but that's sacrilegious – a woman's garden is her own private property!"
"I see," said Remus solemnly, "well, thank you Mrs Figg, I'll get back in touch with you if I have any more questions. Dung?"
"Aye?" came the cocky voice once again, Mrs Figg muttering the background, "any ideas? Theories who our mystery girl is?"
"Old girlfriend?" he suggested, a leer evident in his voice, "she was quite pretty in a scruffy kind of way."
"Mundungus!" came Mrs Figg's horrified voice in the background.
"I doubt it," said Remus thoughtfully, "ok, I'll talk to you later this evening, keep an eye for her, and I'll do a little research."
"Right you are, I'll get Tonks up to date, she's on next."
"Ok, bye."
He cut the connection and picked up the paper he'd been jotting notes down on, regarding it with a frown.
"Scruffy, braided hair, piercings, bad language," he muttered to himself, getting up and walking over to the fireplace, "common accent, not local...who the hell are you?"
He threw a handful of powder in the fire and stuck his head in.
"Alastor, can I have a word, it's urgent."
It was two hours later. The expected argument had raged for almost half an hour until Harry had locked himself in his room, of only to get away from a situation where he didn't care what he was doing or shouting to the Dursley's. All the pain and anger that had been bottled up inside him since he'd left Hogwarts was spilling out into Number Four, Privet Drive and the walls had been shaking with the continuing argument. After he'd allowed himself time to cool down he went back downstairs and walked straight out of the front door, aware of his Uncle's yells towards him.
At the bottom of the garden he stopped.
"I know you're here somewhere," he said in a dull voice, "everything is fine, we're just arguing about a visitor that came to the house that I used to go to Primary school with. Don't make it worse by coming in. I am going to the park now, and I want to be alone so if you're going to follow me I don't want to see you."
Satisfied that any hidden Order member would have heard that he set off down the road. Bitter wind biting him through his tee shirt as he traipsed the empty streets towards the park feeling thoroughly miserable. Once there he fell into one of the swings, snaking his arms round the chains and pushing himself backwards and forwards slightly as he stared at the floor. He was in so much trouble now he didn't know which way to look. Now he was arguing again with his relatives the Order would be sure to post extra people around, especially as they seemed very interested in finding out who Kitty was.
Not that it mattered now he told himself moodily, there was no way she was going to want to try and see him again after today's firework display. The only thing that cheered him slightly was the fact she'd managed to get a decent insult in before the door had been slammed in her face. He kicked at the bark shaving on the floor slightly, closing his eyes wearily, he felt so tired of it all. The constant battles, the fear, the worry, the hurt and pain. He just wanted it to stop once and for all.
"Hey Harry."
His eyes snapped open and he looked to the source of the voice, the person standing in front of him looking slightly grim. He stared at Kitty a long time, unable to get his head around what was happening. She was back again? Somewhere deep inside him he felt suspicious, why was she always around? But the questions and doubt were washed away at the inexplicable feeling that had overcome him when he heard her voice again.
"They haven't beaten you into silence have they?" she asked him, smile on her face but sounding serious.
"No, don't be stupid," he said, staring at the floor again.
"So, what was all that about man?" she asked him, and Harry felt his stomach writhing with worry.
"Nothing," he replied grimly, refusing to look at her.
"Yeah, seemed it," she replied, sitting on the next swing along from him.
She didn't say anything for a few minutes and began to swing slightly as he was. Harry tried to sort through the confusion in his mind, about what he was going to do now, if his plan would work, what Kitty was doing here, what he should tell her. He looked around the park suddenly, remembering that an Order member would be here somewhere, listening and watching...he cursed himself for telling them to remain out of sight earlier.
He heard Kitty pulling something out of her pocket and he wondered if he ought to try and explain in some way what was happening.
"Want one?" she was asking him.
He looked across to see her offering him a cigarette from a half full packet, she had a very serious expression on her face, quite different form her usual grins and smiles.
"No thanks," he said, "I don't smoke."
"Do you mind if I do?" she asked him and he shook his head, thoughts still on trying to come up with a valid explanation.
He watched a she patted her pockets absentmindedly before pulling out a chunky silver Zippo, lighting up a cigarette and exhaling deeply.
"Are they always like that?" she asked him finally.
"No," he lied, feeling the misery increase.
"You are such a bad liar it's unbelievable," she told him, a smile creeping back onto her face.
He shrugged half heartedly - what was the point in lying to her anyway? She couldn't do anything about it and after Friday, if all went according to plan, he'd never see her again. What would she care anyway? She seemed worldly wise enough to him to understand that some people are just not nice.
"You know, I almost knew that was going to happen," she told him, blowing a few smoke rings that he watched float into the air and disappear.
"What do you mean?" he asked her, watching her through the chains of the swings.
"I knew that something was wrong with your setup. I wondered why you were trying to sneak out in disguise and everything," she began, before turning to fix him with an intent stare, "you can always tell when people are unhappy, when they want to get out."
At this Harry jumped up from his seat making furious shushing noises at her.
"Don't say stuff like that," he said in a panicked voice as he backed away from the swings.
She reeled back in shock as he looked around desperately - the Order were bound to hear what she was saying - they'd know, his plan would be for nothing, he'd be carted back to Hogwarts and have to face everything. The panic squeezed at his heart, making it hard to breathe or even think.
"Why the hell not? It's the truth!" she demanded, also on her feet looking torn between angry and confused.
He clapped a hand over her mouth in desperation and tried to give her a pleading look. She watched him with wide, nervous eyes as her whole body tensed up as Harry tried to desperately think.
"Please, don't say anything for a second," he pleaded in a quiet voice.
She nodded slowly and Harry dropped his hand. He looked over his shoulder and all around him, cursing the Order once again for their use of Invisibility cloaks - he had no idea where they were or how much they could hear. She was watching him with deeply troubled eyes and Harry became aware that he was gripping her wrists rather tightly and loosened the pressure. He tried to think straight, what could he tell her that would make any sense?
"What's going on Harry?" she asked him slowly, looking him dead in the eye.
He took a deep breath before leaning towards her slowly until he was resting his forehead on hers. If possible her eyes went even wider and he knew she was about to ask him another question so he began to talk.
"Listen," he began in a very low voice, "it doesn't matter if it is the truth, you can't talk about things like that aloud. There are going to be people around who can hear, who could tell them and it'd just make everything a million times worse."
She was silent for a few moments, obviously doing some quick thinking of her own and Harry wondered wildly if the position they were standing in looked romantic enough for the Order members to back off. He was curious to note she wasn't as tense as before and wasn't struggling out of the situation he'd put her in.
"Harry, there's nobody here," she said in an equally quiet voice.
"You don't know that," he told her.
"You can't let them get to you like this Harry," she began in a whisper, looking worried for him, "I can see why you're worried but they can't hurt you if you get out."
"Kitty," he cautioned, looking from side to side anxiously.
"No, you listen to me! They're getting to you Harry, making you think you're being watched all the time, followed, bugged or whatever, but there not, ok? You know they can't do that. But if you stay in that place they're going to make you believe Harry, they're going to keep on at you until you can't fight back any more. If they break your spirit like that you'll, you'll never be able to go back ok? Do you understand me?"
Harry was silent in shock for a long moment as Kitty's bitter words died away. He felt like all the hairs on the back of his neck were standing on end when he went over what she said, looking deep into her eyes that were only a few centimetres away.
"Why do you care?" he asked her, avoiding having to answer her question.
"Because I do," she shrugged.
"Why?" he demanded, "you've only known me for a few hours. You've got no idea what kind of person I am or what I've done in my life, so why do you care?"
"Why do you care so much about what I think?" she challenged him, staring at him dead straight in the eye, "why are we stood here like this?"
Harry dropped her wrists and backed away from her, feeling slightly ashamed for having used her like that to draw the focus of the Order away. He looked all around him, still no sign of his guard which was not good news.
"Listen, that doesn't matter ok?" she said, running a trembling hand across the bun of her hair and also looking around as if she now also suspected spies.
"I've got to go," said Harry suddenly, noticing the descending gloom, "it's getting near sundown. They're expecting me back."
"Harry -" she began sadly, as if he'd just proven her point exactly.
"Thanks for trying to come round today, sorry about the hassle," he said in a rush, backing off.
"Harry!" she called to him as he walked across the park sounding confused and almost hurt.
He couldn't help but turn around and look at her as he walked backwards, there was almost no disobeying the voice.
"Tonight from 10, there's an R&B and Hip Hop night on at Club Destiny!" she called in an almost pleading voice, "Come?"
He felt a lurch in his stomach before he called back, "Can't!"
"Harry!" she shouted again, but he focussed on the gate now, he would not turn around, he would not turn around…
He was out of the gate to the park when the Order member fell into step beside him and he fought desperately against the urge to turn around and see what Kitty was doing.
"Who was that?" asked Tonks a little while later.
Harry didn't reply, shoving his balled up fists deep into his pockets - it wasn't any of their business.
"If you don't tell us Harry we'll just have to find out some other way," she told him gently, as if knowing she was going to anger him more, "we need to make sure she's not a spy or a Dea-"
" - She's not a Death Eater ok?" he cut in harshly, "Just leave her alone!"
"I wasn't going to go round and interrogate her if that's what you think Harry," Tonks told him, motioning for him to take the quickest route home, "we just need to know who she is -"
"Yeah, you've already said," Harry replied bitterly, "but you know what's going to happen, you're going to start prodding around and drawing attention to her and before you know it she'll be another target for Voldemort."
"You're getting paranoid Harry," said Tonks flatly, "we're just trying to look after you."
"Well you're doing a great job so far!" he said loudly and walking a little faster.
Tonks let him walk on a little ahead with a sigh, turning her attention back to the park. She could still make out the figure of the girl sitting on one of the swings, staring at the floor. She wondered what the situation was she had here, she had never seen or heard about this girl before today, yet she and Harry were quite obviously romantically involved. A little part of her felt sorry for Harry, not even being allowed out alone with a girl, having to keep her secret to keep her safe, she wondered if Harry thought it was worth it.