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Nathan's bedroom was equally as barren as his living room, Meredith noted. She wandered by his dresser, finding it completely empty aside from a framed picture of whom she assumed must be his parents. The silver photo frame looked almost out of place, clashing with the dark wood of his simple bedroom set, clearly purchased as a set with no further thought given to décor. She peeked into his closet, deciding that it didn't really count as snooping since it had been his suggestion that she hide in here while he dealt with Maggie. She knew it was a cowardly move to hide herself away, but she also knew this wasn't the place to tell her. She wanted to sit down with her sister, test her mental fortitude before gently laying down the cards – not have her catch Meredith with Nathan's head between her legs, brain too fogged with pleasure to even feel remotely guilty about the situation.
In truth, she didn't really feel that guilty about it. She'd been placating Nathan for so long with the Maggie excuse, she couldn't actually remember when it had stopped being true. After her mothers passing, the guilt had briefly reared its ugly head again. But Meredith realized that even is she did stay away, for the sake of her sister, she wanted better for Maggie – better than being with a man that clearly wasn't ever going to love her in the way that she deserved. Knowing the truth would hurt but that pain would be brief and it would set Maggie free to find someone equally crazy about her. Yet, although Meredith could say all these things to herself in the quiet of Nathan's room, the thought of saying them to Maggie made her want to hide – just like she was hiding right now.
"So many earth tones." She mumbled to herself, running her hands across Nathan's assortment of mud coloured sweaters. She could smell him in this room, the scent of his body wash and distinct tinge of manliness she'd grown to recognize in their time together. She could hear mumbling outside of his bedroom door, his small condo managing to remain surprisingly soundproof. Meredith didn't put in any further effort into listening in on the conversation going on outside – she already knew she'd have to have one of her own with Maggie. Part of her hoped Nathan would keep them a secret for just a little bit longer. She needed this, an uncomplicated happiness, for a little while longer.
"Nice sheets at least." She made her way to his bed, the king sized mattress looking too inviting to resist any longer. She was tired – dinner had been wonderful and her energy had been renewed following Nathans ministrations, but the press conference and the emotional toll of the flight were wearing her down. His bed was warm and inviting and she couldn't help but crawl into it, kicking off her pants and trading in her blouse for one of his t-shirts.
Sleep didn't come easy for Meredith – she found her brain, given a moment away from surgery and its heavy demands, ruminated way too much. Back in the day, having Derek with her helped, as he usually distracted her with ramblings about his own worries or exhausted her with love making. But after him – her mind had become somewhat unhinged, unrestrained by a bedmate. She'd lay in bed at night and for hours she would re-read the script that was her life: the highs and lows of the last decade, those lost and gained all flashing in front of her eyes. It had eased in the last few months, with Alex back, her anchor to the doe eyed intern she once was, but night still remained her most persistent obstacle. But tonight, in Nathan's bed, body still tingling with an almost orgasm, she had no trouble finding sleep, drifting off despite the voices on the other side of the bedroom door.
"Pierce…hey…how can I help you?" Nathan tried to act casual, opening his door only slightly. He could still feel his heart rate racing, his erection disappearing in light of the interruption. Guilt was written all over his face – he knew he was easy to read and he hoped Maggie hadn't yet learned his tells.
"Can I come in? I want – no, I need – to talk to you. It's important." Pierce contorted her face into her most innocent, wide-eyed look, knowing she was good at playing this card and getting her way. Nathan's face looked flushed, like he'd ran to get the door, although she knew he hadn't since she'd heard him clamouring about for ages before he'd finally let her in. She knew he was home – she'd checked with his secretary to confirm his schedule before coming here. He'd cleared his afternoon, given away his call shift and told his secretary to hold all his calls. Maggie felt momentarily remorseful for coming unannounced – he likely needed some time to himself after that flight, the details of which had sounded harrowing to her. She had convinced herself that was the explanation behind his caress to Meredith. Maggie knew that victims who experienced the same trauma together shared a bond that was essentially for the healing process of trauma; she'd done a dissertation on this very phenomena during her college years. This was what must be going on, she'd convinced herself. Meredith knew how she felt about him, even Nathan knew – she couldn't imagine either of them being so cruel.
"Um, ok yeah sure if it's important. Everything alright? Are you ok?" Nathan scratched the back of his head, trying to remain casual. He stepped aside, letting her into his living room. He sighed with relief when she choose to sit on a chair, leaving the couch empty. He didn't think he could handle it if she'd plunked herself down where Meredith had been naked just minutes earlier.
"I'm ok. I'm great actually. I just needed to talk to you. And it couldn't wait I realized, because I've already waited too long to do this." Maggie started talking, her tone rising and words rushing out faster and faster, as it always did when she was nervous. Nathan turned off the TV, sitting on the chair across from her, his couch messy with blankets and barren. She couldn't help but be distracted by his handsomeness, the square of his jaw and the sinewy coils of his forearms distracting her briefly, as they so often did even in the hospital.
"Maggie, I don't think – " Nathan started but she raised her hand, cutting him off without a word. He felt dread build in his belly – he knew where this was going. He remembered the last time she'd done this, the same determination in her face. She looked like a kid determined to climb the monkey bars, despite how high up they were, the fear of falling pushed aside for the pursuit of something that was worth the risk.
"No, just let me finish. I know what you're thinking – this is déjà vu, we've already done this. And I used to think that too – I used to think it while pretending to ignore you for the first few weeks, then when we became sort of friends again, I used to remind myself of it all the time. I used to tell myself that that was it – I'd tried and it wasn't going to happen and I should probably just forget about it now. But I couldn't forget about it: every time we'd work together in the OR or we'd grab coffee between cases or I'd see you outside of work, the feelings were back. And it wasn't just my feelings – we're so good together Nathan, you can't deny it. It's easy with you and it's so good that I just can't ignore it anymore." Maggie was on a role, the words flowing easily now that she'd started her speech.
"Last time I asked, you said you weren't ready to date anyone. I get that – you've loved and you've lost and I've seen it first hand with Meredith: it takes time to move on. But at the end of the day, moving on doesn't just magically happen one day. You have to be the one to decide to take that next step, to decide to try again and let yourself go. Sometimes it takes a push to make that decision, someone to tell you that it's ok to make it. Because at the end of the day, we don't actually know how much time we've got here. My mother spent eleven years hiding her love for someone other than my father, because she wanted to protect me and she thought she had time. But she didn't – and I get that now." Tears were growing in her eyes and she tried to blink them away, not wanting to give in to the urge to cry right now.
"Maggie…" Nathan started, not knowing how to proceed. He wished he'd told her sooner, wished he'd told her that night in the parking lot that he was in love with her sister. That maybe, in a different universe without Meredith Grey, he'd have a different answer for her. But he couldn't form those words right now – not with her sitting in his living room, baring her soul. He felt defeated – he cared for Maggie, considered her a close friend and admired her as a colleague but he knew that would do little to placate her. He knew this confession was only partially induced by her feelings for him; much of it probably coming from her grief and regrets about her mothers passing. Yet, he couldn't help but feel ashamed – he knew he had a role to play in this, that he should've been honest sooner.
"You don't have to answer me right now. I think that was my other mistake – expecting you to decide on the spot. Taking that first step is hard, it's really hard. I can't pretend that I get it or that I know what it feels like. But I know you want to Nathan. You're not meant to be alone; I can see it in the way you build relationships with all your patients or how you went after Owen so fiercely – you don't want to be left alone. So I'll give you the space you need to come to terms – but I'll be here, waiting." With that, she stood up, walking past him and pausing only briefly when she reached his chair to squeeze his shoulder, letting him know she meant it, before letting herself out.
"Mmmhm is she gone? What happened?" the dip in the opposite side of the bed awoke Meredith with a start. Nathan sighed, peeling off his shirt and letting himself fall into the pillows behind him. He'd entered his bedroom minutes earlier, feeling deflated after his conversation with Maggie, the touch of her hand on his shoulder stinging his skin, as if his guilt had outwardly manifested into a physical, marking force. His spirits had been briefly lifted upon catching sight of Meredith, her hair splayed across his pillow and her face soft and beautiful in the dim moonlight illuminating his bedroom. She looked like she belonged here, wearing his t-shirt and curled up on the opposite side of his bed, leaving his usual spot empty and waiting for him.
"Nothing. Your sister just re-confessed her undying love to me and told me to think about it and that I should give moving on and finding love again a chance." He sighed, recognizing the undeniable irony of this – wasn't this the same argument he'd made to Meredith? She sat up beside him, her eyebrows rising and her mouth opening slightly, as if she was about to speak but the words just wouldn't come.
"I mean…it's a good argument." Meredith said dryly, earning a half hearted grin from him.
"We need to tell her." Nathan said, staring at his ceiling fan, watching the blades rotate.
"We will – I will. I meant to anyways, but then her mom…But you're right, she needs to know." Meredith had thought she'd be a much more affected by her sister's confession. Maybe she was heartless or a bad sister - it was certainly possible, given how long she'd gone on lying to her now. She knew it would be difficult and unpleasant, but somehow she couldn't muster up the energy to be bothered by that in this moment. Maybe she'd finally learned to live in the moment – or maybe she was tasting a little bit of happiness, the dark cloud that had been hiding away her own sunlight, as Cristina had once referenced, finally lifting slightly. She sighed deeply, running her hands through her hair, realizing it was time now and just how hard it would be to tell Maggie.
"Meredith, I want to be with you. Like really be with you – sit together in the cafeteria and walk to our car after work holding hands. Kiss each other good morning at work and have Amelia be disgusted at seeing me naked on your couch. It'll hurt Pierce and I don't want that – but that's not enough of a deterrent for me to not give this my absolute all." Nathan had heard her sigh, his ears piqued at her sound of defeat. He'd come so far with Meredith and he wasn't going to let her give in to this now. He leaned closer to her, pulling her hands into his.
"I know. I'll tell her. I want to tell her – it's time." Meredith replied, sealing her words by pressing her lips against his. She felt him relax against her, returning her kiss with fervor. She closed her eyes – there was a lot to think about it in the next few days. But for now, she didn't want to go there, she wanted to enjoy this moment. Nathan pulled away first, smiling slightly and managing to look less defeated.
"Come here." He whispered into her ear, pulling her against his warm torso, his hair tickling her neck. Meredith exhaled deeply, content rising from deep within her. His arm snaked around her torso, a perfect fit against him. She closed her eyes, letting sleep take over again, feeling her brain go quiet in a way it hadn't in a long, long time.