Sorry about the HUGE wait, all! And I know that this one is pretty short - I wrote it before, but wanted to write more on it, then decided 'screw it, might as well post something.' I still intend to write this one (can't stop thinking about it every time I listen to Les Mis). More updates soon!

Two days later, at the Death Eater meeting...

"To start things off, I would not like to hear any complaints about this," Voldemort said. Goodness knows he'd gotten enough from Nagini over the past 48 hours. "Now, I still haven't decided what to do about the lack of women... however, we will get to that later. I want to know who you all would prefer to play. Top two choices, we'll go in a circle. Bellatrix?"

"It... it would depend, my Lord," Bellatrix said, somewhat hesitantly. "But I suppose Eponine, or perhaps Fantine."

"Very well. Lucius?"

"I want to play Marius, my Lord," Lucius said at once.

"And?"

"Well, you see, I... I really want to play Marius," Lucius explained.

"You are really bad at winning people over," Fenrir mumbled. Lucius ignored him, apart from further shoving his nose in the air.

"Ah, yes, but you are not going to play Marius," Voldemort said, his face set in what was supposed to be a winning smile, but came out looking more like that of someone who is trying not to sneeze. "I mean... in the case that you do not play Marius, who else would you like to be?"

"If you don't answer, you'll automatically be casted as Thenardier," Bellatrix supplied. That made him listen.

"Javert! I'll be Javert!"

"Alright then," Voldemort hissed. "Who's next... Wormtail?"

"What?"

"Who do you want to be when we perform Les Mis?"

"Um... that guy. Enjolras."

There was a second or two of silence before the whole table burst out laughing. Wormtail's face reddened before he decided to avoid the embarrassment by turning into a rat.

"You must have spoken wrong, Wormtail," Severus was the first to elapse back to seriousness. "Enjolras is the revolution leader."

"Wormtail?"

Wormtail appeared back in his seat with a small pop. "Yes?"

"Are you serious?" Lord Voldemort asked, peering at his servant.

"I..." Wormtail's eyed flitted from one Death Eater to the next before murmuring "No."

"What?"

"No."

"You lie, Wormtail," Voldemort hissed dangerously. "The Dark Lord knows when you lie... now, tell me your two top choices, and tell them honestly."

"Um... okay... T-Thenard-"

"You're lying," Voldemort hissed.

"Then who does he want to be?" Lucius asked, somewhat impatiently. "Er, my Lord?"

"He wishes to play..." Voldemort leaned forward, peering into Wormtail's eyes; the rat man looked terrified and tried to scoot backwards. "He wishes to play Marius or Enjolras. Or, apparently, Thenardier."

"Very... noble aspiracions, Wormtail," Severus choked out; the table had again dissolved into laughter. Wormtail gazed at him, nonplussed, before muttering, "What's 'ass-pee-rations'?"

"Okay, this is all very funny," Nagini hissed sarcastically. "Moving on? Or do I at least get a dead rat to occupy myself with?"

"That one won't be living for long," Severus murmured.

"Alright, moving on," Voldemort again regained calmness with difficulty. "I'll put down your top three choices, Wormtail. Fenrir?"

"Thenardier," he shrugged. "Doesn't matter too much. Just don't cast me as one of those romantic idiots."

"Opinion noted. Severus?"

"Jean Valjean or Inspector Javert."

"Noble aspiracions, indeed."

"No one can understand you except me," Voldemort reminded his snake.

"I don't care."

"Alright, I guess it falls to me," Voldemort said in English.

"No, it's my turn!"

"You're a snake! As I was saying, my two top choices are Marius or Jean Valjean."

"I want to be Gavroche! You don't have a Gavroche yet!"

"Oh, and is there anyone available to play Gavroche?" Voldemort asked.

"You can't copy me! That's not fair!"

"Or Cosette?"

"Draco, my Lord," Lucius offered. "He's the right age..."

"No, he's not," said Fenrir. "Cosette's eighteen. And I don't think you or the Dark Lord wants to fall in love with him, anyway."

"Narcissa would play Cosette, you idiot," Lucius snapped.

"Please. You want Draco to play a street urchin?"

"I'm not going to be Eponine for you," Bellatrix snarled. "Especially over my sister."

"Aw, come on, Bella, the hair colors are perfect..." Lucius whined.

"Actually, I rather think Death Eaters romanticize dark hair rather than blondes," Severus supplied.

"We're trying to be authentic here, Severus, not change everything to appeal to the audience."

"Who knows, we might even perform in front of someone else," Voldemort said.

"We're going to need either a guest star or a very old Death Eater to play the bishop," Nagini added.

"Dumbledore would be perfect for that."

"Perfect for what, my Lord?"

"Nothing, Bella."

"We still lack girls..."

"I know. I'm working on it."

"My Lord?"

"Shut up, Lucius. I'm not talking to you."

"I'm a girl."

"You're a snake."

"I'm a female snake."

"What are you suggesting?"

"How thick are you? Honestly, it's right in front of your face."

"You want me to transform you into a human?"

"Hey, we need at least a few good singers."

"We have them. Me, Lucius and Severus."

"Severus doesn't sing, and I really don't want to hear you singing onstage."

"That's really convincing me to transfigure you, isn't it?"

"You'll do it anyway."

"I think the cast list is currently something like this, my Lord," Severus spoke up.

Jean Valjean - the Dark Lord

Javert - Severus

Fantine - Nagini(?)

Thenardier - Wormtail

Marius - Lucius

Cosette - Narcissa

Eponine - Bellatrix

Enjolras - Fenrir

"This is great," Voldemort said, looking at the list Severus had drawn up.

"Yeah," said Fenrir. "It would be even better if we could read it."

"It isn't my concern if you never learned to read."

"I know how to read!" Fenrir growled.

"Cursive's easy enough," Voldemort said, "You have to learn it when you work with stuck-up Purebloods. But this is just extremely teeny tiny, squishy, cramped, really, really small writing. Uh, no offense."

"I write in print, my Lord." Bellatrix did not want to be considered a stuck-up Pureblood.

"My Lord, aren't you Pureblood yourself?" Lucius asked.

"Yes. Of course I'm Pureblood. Why the hell wouldn't you think I was Pureblood? Would I be trying to kill all the Muggles if I was half Muggle?!"

"Severus..."

"Didn't know your animosity for me outweighed the need to comfort the Dark Lord..."

"You are such a hypocrite! You can't insult someone for insulting you in the act of insulting them!"

"No one understands what you just said, Nagini."

"The Dark Lord doesn't need comforting. I was just pointing out that it is possible for one to try to eliminate their kin."

"So you're correcting your Lord as well."

"Both of you be quiet," Voldemort commanded. "Nagini, that includes you. Stop laughing."

"I can't help it! She hates half-Muggles so much..."

"Shut up."

Nagini considered informing Voldemort that he and Severus were exactly the same, except Severus' mother wasn't quite as inbred, but she decided against it. She kind of did want to go up and sing while all the other Death Eaters were attempting to cry onstage.

"Alright, we'll discuss this casting arrangement next meeting," Voldemort announced. He wasn't sure he wanted Bellatrix pining over Lucius (the predictable blood loss, as well as... something else...), but now probably wasn't the best time to say so. "Meeting adjourned."