I said to be on the lookout. Sorry it took soo long, I've missed this! Here is Chapter 4 of Scarred. School has been a real hassle this week since my return, but the weekend is two days from now so I'm not complaining. Do as you do read and review. Now, I must get back to Her Pink Stilettos.
Don't worry folks-Jaz and Huey are on their way. Enjoy Chapter four of Scarred.
I was dreaming.
Its been a long time since I've dream. The irony of me dreaming at such a time is quite wild and dumb. But if you must know, I have to thank this dream. It was so realistic it helped me find the ball of light that I call life.
The setting was a magnificent tropical island. My body was washed upon the beach, soft sand caressing me. I didn't need a mirror to tell that my hair was a frizzy mess, and that I probably looked horrible. Moving on, the clothes I was wearing seemed to come from a Tarzan movie. You know with the loin cloth and the top lion skin or something.
Before me was a marvelous island. I didn't know what to do. Should I stay or should I venture off? Finding it lonely being by myself, I walked into the lush green-hoping nothing would come to harm. One thing to know, leaves on tropical islands are HUGE! I think I got slapped by them several times.
Can you feel pain in a dream?
Are you suppose to?
Those two questions should have been in my thoughts, but they weren't. I continued to search for anything. Along the way I saw parrots, bugs, and many more different animals that I have never seen before. The sound of the jungle was settling, giving off the refresh feeling. Like when old people retire and they go off on this great cruise and come back looking so much better.
Anyways, this one animal-a toucan, flew onto my shoulder. On instinct, I wanted to run around and get it away from me. Yet, it looked at me and I saw some kind of sign that told me not to react so foolishly. In response, I nodded and continued to walk into the deep jungle. Brightly colored frogs were lying on trees, the toucan stared at me saying "don't touch them".
Dangerous and deadly. A tempting tale indeed. The dirt beneath my bare feet was soft and mushy, so cool and it felt good too. Many more different animals surrounded me, and stopped to watch me. Soft breezes brought breath into my lungs, it was great.
Then I realized I was on an unknown path. Where was I going, what was I doing? The paradise before was beautiful, something that could only be an illusion. Maybe I was dead!? The dark thought suddenly popped into my head, and I began to panic for a moment. Then I relaxed, if I was dead-the possibility was incredibly high, I would rather stay in this paradise. The sun shining brightly, the air clean and away from pollution.
I love it here.
My head shot up. The toucan flew away from me. It soared into the sky, but its gaze was stuck on me. Its dark eyes stared at me with such intensity, I had the nerve to go the other way. It was as if it was reading me, studying my body and soul. As if rolling its eyes, it flew off, still cawing at me.
I could have ran away. Maybe I should have.
I didn't. Curiosity got the better of me and I followed the bird. Doubts began to rise within me while I walked. What if this paradise was dangerous? What if the toucan was more than a toucan, how freaky would that be!? Sucking in breath I decided to continue, no pain no gain. How many times have I heard my mother say those things to me? I guess if I wanted something to be gained, I will have to feel some pain to get it, won't I?
The sun shined brightly on me. Thank goodness for Mr. Sun, Toucan Sam was flying so quickly-I could barely catch up. Deep inside of me, I felt this tingling feeling. To explain myself, there was something important happening around me. I was a part of the happening and deep inside I knew I shouldn't be on that island. To my annoyance, I didn't know. I knew something was going on, and that I should be there. But, I didn't know what it was.
The feeling was distant and hurtful.
A pain in my heart, my soul. It was so far away and so close at once. For the very first time since waking up on this paradise, I wanted to leave. I wanted to run away and find that missing piece, that piece that's been nagging me.
I stopped.
Toucan stopped with me.
The colorful bird turned to me once again, its dark eyes piercing at me. I could tell by the look that it was giving me that it was aware of my thoughts. It perched itself on a large tree branch, its eyes still staring. The way the bird looked at me, a memory began to rush through me. A bad memory.
I shook my head in denial.
It couldn't be.
Not on this island.
Not this paradise.
I took a few steps back. It couldn't be, it shouldn't be. Dark eyes soon transformed into a medium brown, my mouth went dry. Before I could even hear the enraged toucan's cry, I was already on my heels. The presence of the bird was near me; I had to get away. I didn't turn my head to see how far my adversary was, there was no need. I was sure if I turned back and saw the damn toucan so close to me, I would have fainted right then and there.
The cursed bird was closer, and the closer it got the fresher the memory became. I could feel his hardened grip around my neck, tightening it. His deranged eyes piercing at me, a wicked grin to show his dominance. How that wicked grin and those dangerously sparkling eyes turned to slits when I showed resistance. How his grip tightened and I began to gag for breath.
That toucan and that person had the same eyes.
That toucan, no matter how beautiful it was-a threat.
Tears began to stream down my face at this realization. If this dream was suppose to keep me content, why wasn't it working? Why did it have to bring back such heart breaking memories.
Die.
That was the only way out. Hidden feelings. The thought of death continued to flood me as he processed against me. Just kill me and be over it. While those depressing memories and thoughts began to engulf me, I fell.
All I saw ahead of me was green, large trees. I didn't pay attention to what was beneath me, I didn't care. I was not aware of the intense hole that was down below, and because of that mishap I fell. The first thought that ran through my mind was "I'm gonna hit hard rock". Fortunately or unfortunately, cool water wrapped me up. My lungs were unprepared for the rush of water: I gagged, panicked, and cried out.
Finally, after gaining the proper composure I looked up. The same cursed bird looked down at me, the gleam in its eyes were laughing at me. As for my own I was positive they shown the following: sadness, pain, and weakness.
I was weak.
So very weak.
Possibly, because of my negative thoughts-the whole predicament turned worse. I felt a sudden tug to my leg. Suddenly, I was pulled under water. Holding my breath, I searched around in the depths trying to find the thing that was holding me down.
I kicked and struggled to get back up. Gasping for air, my lungs beginning to burn.
"Isn't that what you wanted"? I heard a voice tell me.
"What, what do you mean"!?
"Death, isn't it what you wanted, what you begged for"?
"Yes-I, I don't want this"!
"Don't want what Jazmine, what do you want"?
While I continuously attempted to pull myself from my invisible captor, I thought frantically about what the tender voice told me. It was female, and it wasn't a female that I knew. At the time all I cared about was getting the hell out of there.
"Jazmine, what do you want to do-your doubts are keeping you from freedom".
"I want...I want".
"Yes"?
Pulled down once again, I fought my way out. Not caring if tears were flowing down, I cried out.
"I WANT TO LIVE"!!
Her eyes shot opened. Her chest went up and down at a fast rate, her eyes searching the area.
I'm alive, I'm up and alive. I'm in the hospital.
The overwhelming pain had subsided, her body numbed to the max. She carefully breathed in, breathed out-her chest slowly going with the flow. Her vision was blurry, but at the least she could feel her surroundings. The bed sheets that she was lying on were soft and comforting; the lights above her were dim, but not dark. They did not flicker, nor did they blind her eyes.
Alive. I'm alive. I can breathe. I can breathe.
Jazmine didn't know if she should be happy or distressed. In her dream she was content, concerned, and in the end terrified. Right now however, she was just numb. The excitement of actually opening her eyes didn't even appear in her thoughts, she just stared blindly at the pale room. Her eyes traveled onto a heart monitor that was beside her bed.
My heartbeat. Thump. Thump. Thump. Beep. Beep. Beep.
She recognized this part of the hospital. It wasn't the ER, the lesser extremes. It reassured her that she was no longer in any danger. Her body wasn't hook on any wires or tubes that normal ER patients she saw on television. The door that led into her room was locked shut. A bright green it was, the sounds of doctors and nurses doing their businesses.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
A gentle smile was placed onto her lips. The sound of her heartbeat, so cultivating. Raising her hand, she used the light from the windows to see it.
It was bandaged. Like most of her body.
It felt weird to look at my hand. It didn't seem to be so disfigured, so disgusting. Then I began to think about my face. The only mirror in the room, which really wasn't big, appeared to be in the restroom. Thinking of restrooms, I want to take a bath. Not here though. At home. A nice, hot bath to get all the nasty off of me.
I feel very dirty right now.
Mainly because I've been in this same damn hospital robe for way too long. I'm use to taking nice, steamy showers in the morning. I want to shower, I want to bathe!
Thump. Thump. Thump.
I place my hand onto my heart. I smile again, I can feel it beat. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. I'm not angry either.
Maybe I should be. Maybe I should be angry. After all the terrible things that have happened to me, all the horror I' have been through-I should be angry. However, I just can't be angry right now. I can't be happy or sad. I can't be remorseful or silent. Generally, I can't be anything. There are not many emotions in me that pin point what I'm feeling right now. Right this moment. The second that I opened my eyes and sucked in a gallon full of hospital air. I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. For once I'm not worrying about anything. I'm not afraid of what is going to happen to me or what will happen to my friends. My eyes look outside the window, the blinds opened. The warm rays of the sun hit me with such tenderness I couldn't be disturbed.
I breathed in. I breathed out.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
The sound of my pounding heart. My breathing heart. I clutched my chest, my eyes narrowing. I lived. I'm living.
Nothing much to say.
Footsteps were approaching. I could hear the doorknob turn to the left, then to the right. Squishy shoes entered. I suppose the person who entered already knew that was awaken, because after opening the door...they just stopped. I didn't see their reaction nor did I care. My eye stared outside to the morning light, the bright light that poured upon me. There were no emotions that swarm into me at the time. For a few minutest the invader just stood by the doorway, and I just stared at the sunshine.
Soon after it didn't take the person long to say, "Oh my God".
It was a female voice obviously. Right when she said that, she ran out the room. Most likely to tell a doctor or someone, it really didn't occur to me.
Not much to say.
My hand was clutched onto my heart.
Sun was pouring down onto me, wiping away the coldness.
I had lived. I was living right now. I could feel me heart, the soft thumps.
Wrong to say. I didn't care about anyone but myself. I didn't care about Caesar, Cindy, Riley, or Huey. Just me for the moment, because I really wanted to die. I wanted it to go away. The pain, the humiliation, everything-to vanish. Suddenly, like a flash-weakness was gone. It was gone. It was gone because I was there, I was breathing.
I lived.
With that I was content. Not happy, sad, angry, humiliated, but content. Content with my life and not caring what was going to happen next.
"Its amazing that she has been so therapeutic after three weeks," he told them calmly, "I feel that your daughter will make a perfect recovery".
Tom and Sarah sat in the Dr. Hanson's office. Serious expressions on their faces, their hands locked with each other's. It had been nearly a month since the incident. Almost a month. For almost a month, six teenagers that attended Woodcrest Senior High School were victims of a school shooting. For that month, nearly that whole month did they pray that six wouldn't go up to seven. For nearly a month, they thought they wouldn't see their daughter again.
"A coma as lengthy as this-most people wouldn't come out of it," Dr. Hanson explained, "but Jazmine did and that is all that matters".
"Yes," Tom agreed, "but all the physical damage has been done with"?
Dr. Hanson furrowed his brow. "Jazmine was beaten to such an extent she could have been crippled, but wasn't".
"Unlike the others, she was not shot but left for dead when the shooters decided to set the school on fire".
"She lost a lot of blood, third-degree burns, and much smoke hit into her lungs," he told them gently, "and that has been taken cared of".
Sarah shook her head with uncertainty, "That's wonderful Doctor, and yet-I'm worried about her mental health".
Throughout their discussion, the elderly doctor was standing. He was a white man, about 5'7 feet tall, and had a few gray strands on his brown beard. He wore the regular medical attire, his square glasses giving off that younger appeal. His gruff fingers lightly touched the books on his bookcase, his eyes staring at the couple. His tongue was tied. He was not a shrink. His profession dealt with the pain in the organs, and other places in the human body. He was limited to the mind and the soul. Walking behind his smooth wooden desk, he sat into his leather chair.
He lied his hands onto the desk, crossing them. He looked up at the couple and said to them what they needed to hear.
"Mr. and Mrs. Dubois, I am not a shrink". "I am sure that Jazmine's mental health has been jeopardize, but I do not know what to do".
"Most likely she will refuse to discuss the matter, or she will just isolate herself".
"When she gets home," he directed them cautiously, "maybe you should leave her at home for a while, let her absorb the aftermath".
Sarah looked puzzled, "Absorb"?
"I mean Mrs. Dubois let her get a feeling of life now, a realization of what has happened".
Sarah wanted to slap him when the doctor told her that. Her daughter understood completely what had happened to her. A rocket scientist didn't need to tell them that, but she kept quiet some of his words did make sense. Tom paid much attention to the doctor's words, and at the same time thinking of how they were going to go through this.
"In due time she will learn how to heal herself with the help of her family and friends".
Jazmine sat in the hallway. Nurses and doctors walked passed her as if she didn't exist, and she didn't mind it all. It had been a week since she had awoken; nothing seem to have changed while she slept. For a week her parents never left her side, which wasn't a surprise to her. Being in comatose for nearly a month was a frightening experience for the couple, and she didn't expect them to leave her side. Her mom usually came with her favorite Seventeen magazines that came in the mail.
Once she came back, Jazmine was stronger than many would expect. She was capable of sitting up in her bed, eating her food, and doing other things that she would do in her hospital room.
However, she knew that her parents were going to speak with her doctor today.
Jazmine wanted to know what was going on.
She sat in a plastic chair beside Dr. Hanson's office. Her hair, that had been cut, hit the wall with a soft thud. After getting up, she asked a nurse to give her mirror. Astonishingly, her facial features didn't suffer as much as she thought they would. Half of her mulatto skin, including her right eye, was bandaged because of the intense flames. Most of her body was bandaged, but that really didn't upset her. She was even upset when she realized that her once nappy, but gorgeous puffy hair had to be chopped.
It now barely passed her neck.
I'm gonna miss shaking it around for the world to see. I'm okay with that though, I wanted to get a hair cut anyways. I wonder what Mommy and Daddy are talking about? They probably discussing about how I feel about all this...
They could have just asked me.
The again, they're worried of how I would react to it. Guess I can't blame them. I'm hungry again, I want some French Fries. Its been terribly long since I've eaten a delicious pack of French Fries, yum. And a cheeseburger, I'm going to McDonald's once I'm out of here!
"McDonald's," she hummed to herself.
Jazmine body rocked side to side in her chair, her eyes closed in glee. She really did want some McDonald's and some junk food too. Both sounded good. No offense to hospital food, she felt like being greedy at the moment. After what she had been through, being greedy wasn't too bad.
"Jazmine," Sarah said with a soft voice, "were you trying to spy on us"?
Her eye shot opened. Jazmine turned to her mother with a sunny smile, "Of course not Mommy-I'm leaving today, aren't I"?
"Yes sweetie, you're going home".
Jazmine narrowed the eye that was still in works, "Did ya cook anything". Her voice in a sly motion.
"Well, I was planning too, but it seems you don't want that".
Tom entered the conversation, "It looks like my little girl wants some McDonald's"!
Jazmine jumped from the chair and ran to hug her father. He fiercely returned the hug. Her green orb shined at him with innocence and bravery. "Yes Daddy Jazmine wants McDonald's"!!
"Okay you two, lets get to the car and get ya some food, Jazzy".
Grabbing both of her parents hands, the three began to walk away from the office.
"Bye Mr. Hanson, see ya on my appointments"!
The good doctor laughed, "Yes Jazmine, can't wait to see you too".
While the three walked into the parking lot, a feeling of refreshment washed over the parents. Memories of Jazmine's younger days ran through them. Her first steps, first words, when they would walk in the park together. Sarah and Tom looked at each other, their eyes revealing to each other how happy and relieved they were. Jazmine on the other hand continued to smile brightly, humming the tune of McDonald's latest commercial.
This isn't over.
I can feel my parents happiness and warmth. Sadly, I cannot feel it. For I know that there are many more obstacles I must go through until I reach utter sanctuary.
I do not feel warmth.
I do feel content.
I'm content with my life and relieved that I may see another day. But right now, I'm hungry and want some McDonald's. Spicy McChicken here I come! French Fries prepare to be gobbled with ketchup as my aid!!
Content I am.
Took me awhile, but I did it! I think so far this is my favorite. Jazmine may not be my favorite character-I am having fun with her though in this fic. Compared to Pink Stilettos, she has grown up over the years and understands what has happened to her. She also sees that the battle has been won, and the war is far from over.
Meaning: More drama, a lil angst, and surprises for you all. Thanks for reading and reviewing.