Chapter 4.

Mac winced as he sipped his coffee. It was cold. He rose from his desk, feeling every muscle in his back aching with weariness and frustration. He headed into the break room and made himself a fresh coffee, then walked back to his office. The lab was quiet, deserted, Even the cleaning crew had left. Mac had sent Jo, Danny, Lindsay, Adam and Don home, seeing how exhausted they were from the long day and the piles of case files they'd gone through, which, predictably and frustratingly, had as yet provided no leads. Jo had told him he should leave too, and he'd said he would. But he couldn't face the idea of going back to his apartment. His dark, empty, apartment where Claire was not. Where she never would be again. Where he would lie down in an empty bed and, if he got any sleep at all, would be visited by dreams of Jenna's murder, or of Claire's death, or of that mission, so long ago, that just wouldn't leave him alone lately.

Sighing, he slumped down into his chair, exhaustedly eyeing the still substantial pile of files on his desk. Flack's idea of a potential lead, if it panned out, could take them one step further to cracking the case. Flack planned to talk to Terrence. Terrence had connections in Queens, and Flack had a feeling that he might be able to provide some information on the Queens Kingpins via his shadier connections. But Flack wouldn't be able to get hold of him until the next day, so for now they were stuck with the seemingly endless files relating to various crimes that members of the Kingpins had been connected with over the years. None of which had involved the death of innocent civilians. The gang really did seem to be about the drug business, pure and simple - except for robbing them and dealing them drugs, the gang seemed to have little criminal interaction with civilians outside of the gang.

So why then did it seem as though one of the Kingpins was involved in this case? Neither Jenna or anyone at the diner had any connections to that world.

Mac swore under his breath and rubbed at his eyes.

The phone on his desk rang, and he glanced at his watch.

3am. Who the hell would call him at this hour? He remembered Drew Bedford, and felt a shudder go through him.

He picked up the phone.

'Taylor,'

'Um, hey, this is...this is Todd,'

The young Marine's voice sounded slurred.

'Todd? What's wrong?'

'Um, well, see, Mac, I kinda fucked up. Man, I'm so stupid,' Todd said.

'You're not stupid, Todd,' Mac said calmly, 'Just tell me what happened.'

'Well, Katie was crying for hours when we got back to Kara's. Took me ages to get her to sleep. Poor kid, she's so messed up. Anyway, I needed to take a walk, clear my head, and so I left Kara to watch Katie, and went for a walk. Then I ended up in this bar. And I think I'm kinda drunk. Hell, I know I am. Anyway, Katie told me you were really kind to her, and she said you said she could call you if she needed to talk, and I was just...you gave me your card earlier, and said we could talk later...can we like...could you come get me? Because I'm not sure where the fuck I am or what the hell I'm supposed to do and my Mom's dead and my dad's dead and I...I just need someone to talk to. Someone who understands. Katie said you understand. She's smart for a nine-year-old, ya know? So...'

Todd was babbling as well as slurring now, and Mac could hear the barely-concealed emotion in the young man's voice. He sounded much younger than he was, and much older at the same time. He sounded lost. Lost and alone. Mac knew how that felt.

'I'll come now,' he said, 'Order a soft drink, okay? No more alcohol. What's the name of the bar?'

He heard Todd talking to someone else, then he said,

'Bush's. Like the President.'

He slurred an address, and Mac, after reassuring him he was on his way and telling him to stay right where he was, hung up, grabbed his jacket, and headed for his car.

Mac entered Bush's and found Todd was the only patron at the bar. The bar tender shot Mac a look that said 'get this guy out of here'. Todd turned to him.

'You came,' he said, sounding a little surprised.

'You asked me to,' Mac said. 'Now, come on. There's a 24-hour coffee place just around the corner.'

'I need to sober up. God, I really messed up. I'm sorry, I didn't mean...I just...'

Todd's eyes had tears in them. His cheeks were flushed, and his hair messy. He didn't look like a First Lieutenant in the Marines. He looked like a sick, lost, confused kid. Mac gestured for him to stand, and he did, a little unstable on his feet. They left the bar, and ten minutes later were ensconced in a booth at the back of the coffee shop, sipping steaming mugs of coffee.

Mac sat in silence, waiting for Todd to say whatever he needed to.

'Katie really likes you,' he said, 'She told me how straight you were with her about our Mom getting killed. She said how understanding you were. Thanks for being there for her when I couldn't be, for treating her right.'

'It's my job,' Mac said.

'No,' Todd said, 'You could have treated her like a little kid. Told her everything would be okay. But you didn't. You reached out to her when you didn't really have to.'

'She's a great kid,' Mac said softly, 'and I understand a bit about what she, what both of you, are going through right now.'

Todd nodded.

'Yeah. She told me about...about your wife. I'm sorry. That you lost your wife like that. I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost Kara. She's...apart from my mom, she's the one who keeps me strong. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her, too.'

Mac said nothing.

'How do you do it, Mac?' Todd asked, softly, 'How the hell do you go on without your wife? How am I supposed to go on without my mom? What the hell am I supposed to do ? I...I don't know whether I want to scream or cry. God, it hurts so damn much, you know, and I'm...' he leaned forward, closer to Mac, and whispered, in a broken voice, 'I'm so scared. I'd rather be facing down a group of armed insurgents in Iraq than here, right now. At least with the insurgents, I'd know what I'm supposed to do.'

Mac met the young Marine's eyes.

'I'll tell you the truth, like I did with Katie,' he said. 'I don't know how I do it. How I'm still here when my wife isn't. I miss her every day. I hate that she's dead and I'm here, alone, without her. I don't know how I've made it this far. I just...you just keep moving forward, Todd. That's all there is. It's hard, hell, it's damn near impossible at times, and it hurts like hell. But that's what I do. I keep moving forward. And some days it's harder than others. But it's what I have to do. It's what you have to do. Not just for yourself, but for Katie. She needs you.'

Todd nodded slowly.

'I just...I don't know if I can,'

'You can, Todd. You have Katie. And you have Kara. Hold onto both of them. Especially Kara. You love her, right?'

Todd smiled a little,

'Like crazy,' he said gently.

Mac closed his eyes briefly. He remembered that kind of love.

'Then let her be there for you. When you feel like you can't do it anymore, like you're going to scream, or cry, or kill the next person who tells you they're sorry, talk to her. Reach out. Because that's what'll get you through, Todd. Do you understand?'

Todd nodded again.

'Yeah,' he said softly. Then, 'Thanks. For being straight with me.'

Mac nodded.

'So, are you any closer to finding the bastard who killed my mother?' Todd asked, changing the subject. The anger and desperation that had been pouring off him during the phone call and in the bar was still there, but seemed a little less potent than before.

Mac explained where the team was on the case, without going into specifics.

'I don't get it,' Todd said, 'She had nothing to do with gangs or drugs or anything. I don't get why they'd kill her...'

'Neither do we, right now,' Mac said, 'But we will find out, Todd. We'll find who did this.'

Todd nodded, wordlessly.

They sat in silence then, until they finished their coffees, and then Mac offered Todd a lift home, which he gratefully accepted. As they drove towards Kara's neighbourhood, Todd said,

'Can I ask you something else?'

'Go ahead.'

'You were Recon, weren't you?'

Mac stiffened slightly.

'How'd you work that out?'

'I saw your Marine badges and medals in your office. You have the Combat Diver pin. And the Paratrooper pin. And the rifle pins. That means Recon.'

'I was in Recon for a few years, yes.' Mac said, quietly.

Todd nodded, then was silent for a block or two, before he said,

'You also have two Bronze Stars and a Silver Star.'

'I do,' Mac said, carefully.

'You have to do something pretty fricking special to get those,' Todd said, softly, his voice curious, but as careful as Mac's had been. The unspoken question floated between them.

So, what'd you do to get those medals?

'I survived,' Mac said, his tone heavy with guilt and loss, 'I did my job in a situation that got fucked up beyond all recognition, and I survived. That's what I did to get them.'

He'd surprised himself with the admission. He'd rarely talked to anyone outside of the Marines about those medals, except for Claire. Perhaps Todd's being a Marine, and one recently returned from his own tour of duty and whatever he'd faced during it, made talking about it, even a little, easier.

Todd watched Mac as he drove, not speaking after his quiet admission. Mac had earned his respect almost as soon as they'd met, and now Todd's respect for the man had only deepened. But now, Todd trusted Mac too. He understood Katie's implicit trust in him. This was the man he wanted on his mother's case. Perhaps it was that he was a Marine too. Perhaps it was how the detective had gone above and beyond the call of duty for both Katie and for Todd himself. Perhaps it was how honest and compassionate and genuine Mac had been with him and his sister. But more than anything, Todd thought, it was Mac's quiet assertion just now that what he had done to get those medals was 'do his job'. If getting two Bronze and a Silver Star was 'doing his job' as a Marine, then Todd believed that Mac would now 'do his job' as a detective, that he would not stop, would not hesitate, in doing whatever it took to catch the bastard who killed his mom.